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hsv-1 disclosure
I am a female in my late 20s and was diagnosed with genital hsv-1 last summer. Based on testing, it was clear that it had been transmitted to me (like so many others) through oral sex with a boyfriend.
I have had one (clear) recurrent outbreak in the past year and have done a lot of research and know all the standard lines: genital hsv-1 is associated with fewer outbreaks and less asymptomatic shedding because it is not in it's site of preference, most genital hsv-1 comes from oral sex, a significant percentage of the population has hsv-1 already (I've read 60-80%) with many acquiring it in childhood, having hsv-1 in one location reduces the chance you can get it in another location, genital-genital transmission of hsv-1 is possible but unlikely.
I understand (and am irritated with) the commonly held social standard that everyone who tests positive for any kind of hsv should disclose to any/all partners...all the time...period. This is irriating as a HIGH percentage of people have oral hsv-1, plenty of whom have no idea (including my exboyfriend who had never had a coldsore)...and there is never the expectation that someone who knows that have hsv-1 orally will disclose to partners prior to kissing. For example, if someone who knows they have oral hsv-1 (with or without symptoms) said, "I don't disclose my hsv status to partners" no one would gasp in horror or start lecturing. Even though MOST genital hsv-1 is aquired from someone with oral hsv-1, somehow the person with the less contageous (though more stigmatized version) is somehow bound by this "ethical oblication" to disclose.
I am a caring and responsible person who obviously doesn't want to pass this to anyone...though I also feel it isn't and shoudln't be viewed as traumatizing and earth shattering as people do.
So, what is my question? I want to be responsible, but I also want to enjoy a "normal" sex life the way everyone else does...including those who are ignorant about their own status or people who "just get pesky cold sores." I will obviously make up my own decision about disclosing, but am interested in what other people think:
So here it is: If I have casual sex with a guy (i.e. no long term relationship, no deep meaningful talks, etc.) and I a) make sure to avoid sex during an obvious outbreak, b) take antiviral medication to reduce outbreaks and asymptomatic shedding (which are rare as is), and c) USE A CONDOM (obviously as I would want to protect myself as well) - would it be safe to say that the risk of transmission is nearly microscopic? Yes, possible, but highly highly unlikely? Do people really feel like 100% disclosure is really the only way to be a moral and responsible person even if all efforts are made to protect this person...from this extremely common virus...which said guy statistically speaking is already likely to have?
I have had one (clear) recurrent outbreak in the past year and have done a lot of research and know all the standard lines: genital hsv-1 is associated with fewer outbreaks and less asymptomatic shedding because it is not in it's site of preference, most genital hsv-1 comes from oral sex, a significant percentage of the population has hsv-1 already (I've read 60-80%) with many acquiring it in childhood, having hsv-1 in one location reduces the chance you can get it in another location, genital-genital transmission of hsv-1 is possible but unlikely.
I understand (and am irritated with) the commonly held social standard that everyone who tests positive for any kind of hsv should disclose to any/all partners...all the time...period. This is irriating as a HIGH percentage of people have oral hsv-1, plenty of whom have no idea (including my exboyfriend who had never had a coldsore)...and there is never the expectation that someone who knows that have hsv-1 orally will disclose to partners prior to kissing. For example, if someone who knows they have oral hsv-1 (with or without symptoms) said, "I don't disclose my hsv status to partners" no one would gasp in horror or start lecturing. Even though MOST genital hsv-1 is aquired from someone with oral hsv-1, somehow the person with the less contageous (though more stigmatized version) is somehow bound by this "ethical oblication" to disclose.
I am a caring and responsible person who obviously doesn't want to pass this to anyone...though I also feel it isn't and shoudln't be viewed as traumatizing and earth shattering as people do.
So, what is my question? I want to be responsible, but I also want to enjoy a "normal" sex life the way everyone else does...including those who are ignorant about their own status or people who "just get pesky cold sores." I will obviously make up my own decision about disclosing, but am interested in what other people think:
So here it is: If I have casual sex with a guy (i.e. no long term relationship, no deep meaningful talks, etc.) and I a) make sure to avoid sex during an obvious outbreak, b) take antiviral medication to reduce outbreaks and asymptomatic shedding (which are rare as is), and c) USE A CONDOM (obviously as I would want to protect myself as well) - would it be safe to say that the risk of transmission is nearly microscopic? Yes, possible, but highly highly unlikely? Do people really feel like 100% disclosure is really the only way to be a moral and responsible person even if all efforts are made to protect this person...from this extremely common virus...which said guy statistically speaking is already likely to have?
Besides...you're MUCH more likely to give someone HSV-1 by kissing them than I'm likely to pass it by having vaginal intercourse with them...that's the truth. And it's the same virus.
I appreciate your opinion and I agree that the stigma needs to change and that education is a big part of it. I find it interesting that you make the personal choice (yes, like everyone else) to not tell partners you have oral hsv-1 before kissing them. And just like anyone else, I support your decision...as everyone has the right to make their own. But what is the reason other than the stigma of something transmitted sexually (i.e. below the waste). If you don't "kiss" them below the waste it is therefore not an STD and therefore not as bad? (I don't think either is "bad," but this is just for argument's sake.) But what if you gave oral hsv-1 to one of these unsuspecting individuals when kissing them (and not disclosing) and they gave it to someone else performing oral sex because they had no idea they had it? Yes, we make decisions based on our own moral judgement, but we also make decisions based on what is socially acceptable and since anything below the waste is stimatized....well, that's the air we all breathe. But if you're saying that any time there's an exchange of bodily fluid people should disclose...well...that would include kissing.
I totally agree too with discussing your herpes status with a partner ( it's a discussion - ie 2 way, not a confession ) when you are aware of being infected. Now I'm always 100% honest here and I've said before that I don't disclose my hsv1 status prior to kissing - it's my personal decision I've made and I'm the one to live with the consequences so I"m certainly not anywhere near "perfect" myself either. Of course if someone asked prior to kissing me, I would tell them. I do discuss my hsv1 prior to performing oral sex though because I feel that's an important time to do so even though the odds at my age of a partner not having hsv1 orally overall are very low as well as the odds of transmission of my oral hsv1 to their genitals is overall very low. Even one night stands/casual sex, it's something I bring up ( along with my hsv2 status too of course ). I am not naive enough to think that a new partner of any sort, casual or long term, is going to be honest with me and as you already pointed out, there is a lot of implied risk with casual sex but to me, I see it as I don't have to add to it all plus perhaps my talking about what I know I have, will get a partner to bring up something they know they have that they weren't going to talk to me about otherwise. also we live in a very litigious society and if you would happen to transmit your hsv1 to a partner and didn't talk to them about it first, they can pursue legal charges against you. It's a lot more than it being the "right" thing to do, it's about protecting yourself too. No one wants their name all over the local paper about being sued for transmitting herpes to someone.
to me when you don't discuss your herpes with a potential partner, you are just adding to the stigma of std's too. Not saying this is why you don't want to discuss your status all the time but for some folks, it's a fear of not getting laid if they do bring it up which means not discussing it is just adding to the stigma because in your mind, it has a stigma. You have to get rid of your own ideas about sex and std's in order to get rid of the stigma society has unfairly placed on std's. we don't think twice if you sit at the lunch table at work talking about the wart you have on your foot that you think you got from the hotel room you stayed in last month but for some reason even though sex is everywhere around us and we are all having it, we still have the mistaken thought that if it's from sex, it has to be "bad" even though there isn't a darn bit of difference between a wart on the foot and a wart on your genitals. we go to the grocery store and someone sneezes on us and we aren't surprised when a week later we have a cold but for some reason we get naked and exchange body fluids with someone and we are surprised that we have transmitted germs between us and a partner. Makes no sense to me. this should be something we don't think twice about talking about with a potential partner. Perhaps if we stopped insisting that our politicians have to be church going people, we could get some of the Victorianism about sex and std's out of our daily lives and start being realistic about a lot of things about sex including premarital sex. , birth control and std's. If folks would allow our schools to actually teach us what we need to know about std's instead of insisting that they can only teach us just say no until we have a ring on our finger, that too would be a huge step in the right direction. obviously this is a soap box of mine....he he he.
It is sexually responsible to discuss std's and testing with a partner and not rely on just a condom as being protection so you don't have to worry about it. it's not about being ignorant or being fearful at all - it's discussing something you know you have and finding out if your potential partner has had testing or not. since you have hsv1, you can still contract hsv2 so knowing if a partner gets tested regularly or not and if they even know if they get tested for herpes or not when they do is important for yourself too.
bottom line is it's totally up to you whether you talk about your herpes or not. We really don't care one way or another unless we are sleeping with you. It's about making the choices you can sleep with at night as much as anything.
grace
to me when you don't discuss your herpes with a potential partner, you are just adding to the stigma of std's too. Not saying this is why you don't want to discuss your status all the time but for some folks, it's a fear of not getting laid if they do bring it up which means not discussing it is just adding to the stigma because in your mind, it has a stigma. You have to get rid of your own ideas about sex and std's in order to get rid of the stigma society has unfairly placed on std's. we don't think twice if you sit at the lunch table at work talking about the wart you have on your foot that you think you got from the hotel room you stayed in last month but for some reason even though sex is everywhere around us and we are all having it, we still have the mistaken thought that if it's from sex, it has to be "bad" even though there isn't a darn bit of difference between a wart on the foot and a wart on your genitals. we go to the grocery store and someone sneezes on us and we aren't surprised when a week later we have a cold but for some reason we get naked and exchange body fluids with someone and we are surprised that we have transmitted germs between us and a partner. Makes no sense to me. this should be something we don't think twice about talking about with a potential partner. Perhaps if we stopped insisting that our politicians have to be church going people, we could get some of the Victorianism about sex and std's out of our daily lives and start being realistic about a lot of things about sex including premarital sex. , birth control and std's. If folks would allow our schools to actually teach us what we need to know about std's instead of insisting that they can only teach us just say no until we have a ring on our finger, that too would be a huge step in the right direction. obviously this is a soap box of mine....he he he.
It is sexually responsible to discuss std's and testing with a partner and not rely on just a condom as being protection so you don't have to worry about it. it's not about being ignorant or being fearful at all - it's discussing something you know you have and finding out if your potential partner has had testing or not. since you have hsv1, you can still contract hsv2 so knowing if a partner gets tested regularly or not and if they even know if they get tested for herpes or not when they do is important for yourself too.
bottom line is it's totally up to you whether you talk about your herpes or not. We really don't care one way or another unless we are sleeping with you. It's about making the choices you can sleep with at night as much as anything.
grace
I don't think that "the problem" is that most people don't know they are infected. If that were such a problem then herpes tests would be included in the standard STD testing - problem solved! Honestly, I believe the reason it's not is because the MAJORITY of people have HSV-1 and it's thought of as nothing because in most cases it is. Even when it is something it's far from earth shattering (and I'm saying that as someone who has it). And herpes is so heavily stigmatized that, if people found out they had it (particularly if they on't have symptoms), there'd be widespread hysteria. And the truth is most people who find out they have HSV1 are told there's nothing they need to do...both in terms of disclosure and in terms of altering their sexual practices. Suggesting that people who have cold sores (even those who know) disclose before they kiss someone, particularly when they are not symptomatic, is absurd.
I am not trying to argue with you, because I think your input is thoughtful, kind, and accurate. However, I think it is important to think about what we're all really talking about...and challenge the mainstream feelings and assumptions about herpes (INCLUDING the insistence that everyone MUST disclose ALL THE TIME in order to be responsible and moral)...because this "mainstream" mostly involves people who are ignorant and who live their life based on fear not the facts.
I am not trying to argue with you, because I think your input is thoughtful, kind, and accurate. However, I think it is important to think about what we're all really talking about...and challenge the mainstream feelings and assumptions about herpes (INCLUDING the insistence that everyone MUST disclose ALL THE TIME in order to be responsible and moral)...because this "mainstream" mostly involves people who are ignorant and who live their life based on fear not the facts.
As to your point about folks with oral HSV1 not disclosing, and oral sex being involved, well most don't realize perhaps that it can be transmitted via oral sex, especially in the absence of an active cold sore. My partner and I did not know it - at all. I knew he had had cold sores as a teen, but none in the time we dated. Yet of course, it happened to us through viral shedding (which we knew NOTHING about). So, much of it is lack of knowledge about how herpes is transmitted. I know when I shared this with a few of my close friends, none of them knew this was possible either.
I think most people are honest about their STD/herpes status, when in fact they know it - the problem is, the majority of folks who have herpes truly don't even know they are infected.
I think most people are honest about their STD/herpes status, when in fact they know it - the problem is, the majority of folks who have herpes truly don't even know they are infected.
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Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
