Aa
Help with my thoughts that are scaring me
Hey everyone. Been awhile since I've actually checked the forum so all of those who are new to here. Glad your here just wish we didn't have to be. To the ones I've talked with over the months, you'll never know what you've meant to me.
After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.
I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously. So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.
Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.
I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist. I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep. Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.
I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.
After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.
I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously. So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.
Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.
I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist. I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep. Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.
I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.
Please don't feel bad, pathetic, sad and embarrassed; your feelings are very real and understandably so. I am proud of you in that you have the courage to bare your soul and reach out for help. You reached out because in your heart you do want to live.
I am sorry to hear that you feel so alone. The isolation can make things even harder for you, especially if you don't have the love and support from your wife. You mentioned before that you do believe in God. Do you belong to a congregation? A pastor can be a good person to talk to and a truly good congregation is filled with people who care for and support others in times of need. It can also be good for your children to be accepted into a community of compassionate people. Will your work schedule allow for you to become part of a congregation?
With your mental health being so fragile right now, you do need closer psychiatric care. One month until your next visit is too long to wait.
As people post with suggestions, please keep coming back and telling us more, so that all of us can try to come up with something that is going to work for you.
Hugs,
I am sorry to hear that you feel so alone. The isolation can make things even harder for you, especially if you don't have the love and support from your wife. You mentioned before that you do believe in God. Do you belong to a congregation? A pastor can be a good person to talk to and a truly good congregation is filled with people who care for and support others in times of need. It can also be good for your children to be accepted into a community of compassionate people. Will your work schedule allow for you to become part of a congregation?
With your mental health being so fragile right now, you do need closer psychiatric care. One month until your next visit is too long to wait.
As people post with suggestions, please keep coming back and telling us more, so that all of us can try to come up with something that is going to work for you.
Hugs,
Hey Huff,
God loves you my friend.
I agree w/all, and Ess mentions that you need more help than you are getting. This is critical. Your still able to reach out right now, but we all know this changes in a heartbeat when your completely depleted of all that you need to keep your head on straight.
Please my friend, I beg of you, make a call to your Dr. and tell him the combo of meds must be tweaked. You my friend have held on with all your might to so far with your kids, friends, and fond memories of past family members to pull you through. This doesn't always help for long.
Take a deep breath and give a big-big pat on the back that you've gotten this far and then, pick up that phone and make the appt right away.
Remember this....you are deserving of feeling good - you are deserving of feeling love, allow us to steer you in the right direction and then make that call for YOU!
(((hugs)))
shell
God loves you my friend.
I agree w/all, and Ess mentions that you need more help than you are getting. This is critical. Your still able to reach out right now, but we all know this changes in a heartbeat when your completely depleted of all that you need to keep your head on straight.
Please my friend, I beg of you, make a call to your Dr. and tell him the combo of meds must be tweaked. You my friend have held on with all your might to so far with your kids, friends, and fond memories of past family members to pull you through. This doesn't always help for long.
Take a deep breath and give a big-big pat on the back that you've gotten this far and then, pick up that phone and make the appt right away.
Remember this....you are deserving of feeling good - you are deserving of feeling love, allow us to steer you in the right direction and then make that call for YOU!
(((hugs)))
shell
Dear huff, I am so proud of you for stepping out of the shadows and putting this out there. As you have read, many others have shared similar feelings or experiences and can feel the depth of pain you are in right now.
your children are so fortunate that you can focus on them right now - having their dad around is so important. MY husband's father died suddenly when DH was 14. It left quite the mark on him and I wish I could undo so much of what he felt and still feels about his dad.
Your first tysabri treatment should be coming soon - when you go be sure to contact the infusion center and ask them if there is someone there you can also speak with.
Stick with those meds and call the doctor about adjusting them. The psychiatrist knows that you need the help right now - don't be afraid to ask for it.
Is it possible to take a short term leave from work? Pushing as you do, with everything going on, is tough and not making your situation any easier.
Be sure to read the responses you have here over and over. There is a lot of good advice and genuine concern and compassion for you. Let us help carry you through some of the tough times ahead.
be well - lots of hugs to you,
Lulu
your children are so fortunate that you can focus on them right now - having their dad around is so important. MY husband's father died suddenly when DH was 14. It left quite the mark on him and I wish I could undo so much of what he felt and still feels about his dad.
Your first tysabri treatment should be coming soon - when you go be sure to contact the infusion center and ask them if there is someone there you can also speak with.
Stick with those meds and call the doctor about adjusting them. The psychiatrist knows that you need the help right now - don't be afraid to ask for it.
Is it possible to take a short term leave from work? Pushing as you do, with everything going on, is tough and not making your situation any easier.
Be sure to read the responses you have here over and over. There is a lot of good advice and genuine concern and compassion for you. Let us help carry you through some of the tough times ahead.
be well - lots of hugs to you,
Lulu
huff,
in your last post here, you mentioned you feel like you don't have as much to be upset about as most other people you saw when you were admitted. this is a very common emotion for those dealing with serious depression...a feeling of worthlessness. you have some very serious mental health concerns that DO NOT pale at all in comparison to anyone else's there. you are JUST as important.
don't wait the full month before seeing your psych. you MUST get into see someone ASAP, especially if you are or begin to have even the slightest suicidal thought, which i believe you do as you began this post by saying you weren't sure how much longer you'd be around.
i am truly worried for you. this is not insignificant. you need to remember this is an actual illness.
one thing i would say, a lot of people here are encouraging you to think of your family and how they would suffer if suicide ever came to pass--while this is very true, i don't want that to become a source of guilt for you right now. keep it in mind if it helps you, but if it makes you feel more miserable, please remember, at this point, you are not mentally well enough to think about anything but your own health. if you've got a drive to get better and be there for your kids, show it by taking care of yourself and this health issue you are dealing with.
truly worried and hoping you get some help, because i am absolutely sure you can feel much, much better...you just need to work with medications/dosages etc. with a professional!
xoxoxoxo michelle
in your last post here, you mentioned you feel like you don't have as much to be upset about as most other people you saw when you were admitted. this is a very common emotion for those dealing with serious depression...a feeling of worthlessness. you have some very serious mental health concerns that DO NOT pale at all in comparison to anyone else's there. you are JUST as important.
don't wait the full month before seeing your psych. you MUST get into see someone ASAP, especially if you are or begin to have even the slightest suicidal thought, which i believe you do as you began this post by saying you weren't sure how much longer you'd be around.
i am truly worried for you. this is not insignificant. you need to remember this is an actual illness.
one thing i would say, a lot of people here are encouraging you to think of your family and how they would suffer if suicide ever came to pass--while this is very true, i don't want that to become a source of guilt for you right now. keep it in mind if it helps you, but if it makes you feel more miserable, please remember, at this point, you are not mentally well enough to think about anything but your own health. if you've got a drive to get better and be there for your kids, show it by taking care of yourself and this health issue you are dealing with.
truly worried and hoping you get some help, because i am absolutely sure you can feel much, much better...you just need to work with medications/dosages etc. with a professional!
xoxoxoxo michelle
I am so sorry that you are suffering such emotional pain. I can't imagine what it feels like because while I do suffer serious depression and have had the urge to cut that's as far as I have sunk before coming back to myself. O.K. maybe a pinch or a smack or some "little" abuse but I have kept the knife out of my hand.
I see a wonderful neuropsychologist which I credit for my improvement in moods and emotions. They work with people with brain damage from disease or accidents and understand that a huge part of our mental issues come from the damage in the brain.
I could call her service right now at midnight and leave a message saying that I have a huge urge to cut and my phone would ring back in minutes. Is the doctor you are seeing now someone that feels like he is that committed to your mental health and does he make you open up and share even when you really hadn't planned on it that day?
3 years ago I swore that I would only see this "shrink" as I called her to prove a point that my MS is not in my head and never has been. I am so greatful for her I don't ever want to stop even when she says I don't need her I say that I feel happy when we talk so we continue to get together.
My advice for first thing when you wake up in the morning is to call your doctor and confess that you are afraid that you might succeed in taking your life. If he doesn't see you in his office ASAP it's time for a new therapist. In the mean time when I get really wound up and want to cut more then I can handle I run, jog, clean house like a pro etc. all activities to use up the over abundance of negative energy that is causing the thoughts - exhaust yourself physically!
You sound like you are very sensitive and mentioned that you are glad that you could never hurt others but as someone that has been both physically and emotionally abused PLEASE believe me when I tell you that your children would get over being spanked(please don't, just making a point) but they will never get over losing you to your own hand. The "guilt" that you feel over the brother that you never knew is nothing compared to the questions that will run through their heads like was it my fault etc.
BE STRONG YOU'RE LIFE IS WORTH IT - you just have to stick around to find that out.
Hugs, hugs, hugs!
Erin :)
Ahhh, Huff,
I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I, too, have suffered from depression on and off since I was 10 years old. I, too, have had suicidal ideation, but have never acted on it or cut myself. I thank my lucky stars I have found some wonderful therapists who have helped me tremendously, and have given me some wonderful tools to work with when I feel at the end of my rope, so to speak. Talk therapy has saved me, basically. Currently, exercise helps my mood immensely.
You are SO WORTH taking time to help yourself. Call that psych ASAP. Check into the ER if you can't wait until Monday am. YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOUR LIFE IS PRECIOUS!
We're here for you.
Big, warm hugs,
Guitar_grrrl
I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I, too, have suffered from depression on and off since I was 10 years old. I, too, have had suicidal ideation, but have never acted on it or cut myself. I thank my lucky stars I have found some wonderful therapists who have helped me tremendously, and have given me some wonderful tools to work with when I feel at the end of my rope, so to speak. Talk therapy has saved me, basically. Currently, exercise helps my mood immensely.
You are SO WORTH taking time to help yourself. Call that psych ASAP. Check into the ER if you can't wait until Monday am. YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOUR LIFE IS PRECIOUS!
We're here for you.
Big, warm hugs,
Guitar_grrrl
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