Jan

[cirella]

Hi All,
I started this this AM and have updated it.  I decided to just leave it the way I wrote it originally and you'll see the edit.
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Whew boy...I don't really post too much anymore and it is killing me to come here now to post this.  I don't have a lot of information but will be speaking to Lisa later today.  Lisa told me that Hospice is setting Jan up today.  I am very scared and part of me wants to run and not find out the truth but that won't happen.  What I wanted to do today is ask that those of you who know Jan, will you please post some thoughts so that Lisa can give them to Jan?  I want her to know just how deeply she is loved and missed on this forum.  Thank you.  I will start.
**edit**  Lisa said that Hospice has set up a bed downstairs for Jan.  At this time, they are trying to get her pain regulated.  It sounds like she's either over medicated and sleeping or awake and in pain.  I really hope they can get that to a point where she can be as comfortable as can be without sleeping all the time.  It sounds as if she has a blockage of some sort.

All who know Jan knows that she is a fighter.  I know she is fighting her hardest right now and will continue to do so.  I want her to fight with all her might but I also want her to realize that it's OK if she just cannot fight any longer.  I pray that the Lord holds Jan and her family closely to him.  I pray that Jan feels the love and comfort of her Father.  Lord, I ask you to cast out fear if there is any and replace it with peace.  This is my prayer for Jan, her family and all of us.  I know that I am afraid, mad, sad.  I don't want to lose my friend but I also don't want her to be in pain any longer.  I'd better stop now but I could go on and on...**end edit**

My Dear Buddy, Jan,
I can hardly choke this out.  I feel that all through our friendship I have tried to think about anything but today.  I've wanted to give you a normal friendship, knowing that we met on an ovarian cancer site but still...   I came on here with questions, like anyone else.  I felt a little guilty for blabbering my stuff when there were women on here dealing with their cancer when I was in limbo-land.  You drew me out, got me talking and our friendship formed.

In the short time we've known each other there have been some kind of wild and strange things happen on this forum.  Some have hurt me as I am sure you have been affected by the fakes but the difference between us is that you see people in such a unique way.  Maybe that's the lawyer in you?  You have been able to come back here and give the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.  You see people for who they are and you certainly call em like you see em.  I LOVE that about you.  That quality is so child-like and pure and if we all took the time to really listen to our gut like you do it would sure as h*ll cut out a lot of the bull.  If I do answer a post I usually ask myself...what would Jan say to this person?  Then I temper it down a little...LOL  ; )   No, really though, you have a way of telling the truth even if it may not be what someone wants to hear.  It may not be what they want to hear but it may be what they need to hear.

I know for a fact that you have helped many women here.  The forum hasn't been the same since you've been gone.  So many of the "old timers" aren't around much.  We've lost too many to death and some have gone off to other forums.  I'm so very thankful that we have kept in touch and I'm mostly thankful that we got to meet last year.  To put your beautiful face and tiny body together with your ferocious, huge, loving, giving and honest heart was something I will treasure forever.  I remember I kept asking you if you were OK.  Finally you said, "Lori, you haven't been around a lot of cancer patients, have you?"  LOL  The answer was NO and I guess it showed.  LOL  Not sure why that makes me chuckle but it does.

You are one person who sees beauty around you.  You nurture.  You care.  You live and love.  And, I love you.
L

[Flicka0459]

Jan's still with us physically.  Her BP is dropping rapidly but her heart rate is within normal range. I wish she was the one with the bad heart and not me. This way maybe she'd be at peace now.  I thought for sure when they put the catheter in last night she would wake up and kick our butts but she didn't.I've been praying since I got here on the 9th for God to take her quickly.  But as you have said in God's time not ours. So I switched to praying for intercession from my parents (all dead) that they take her in their arms and gently bring her home to God's mansion. I told Jan that God's gardens are even better than the ones my mother  used to have but without the weeds. Maybe that will give her a little incentive to get there.  The nurse seems to think that it won't be much longer.

It's a beautiful day in Nashville. 64 so far. I'm a big Star Trek fan (yes I'm a Trekkie) anyway as the Klingon warriors say. "Today is a good day to die"  

That's what Jan is a Warrior.  She has fought a good battle and today is a beautiful day.

Love Lisa

[Tybear]

Lisa...
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and Cory...when I think of Jan, the one word that comes to mind is Fiery. I remember how mad she was, watching her friend Donna go through this so it only angers me even more, knowing that now Jan is in the same spot. She was appalled that Donna had to suffer at all and to know that Jan is in pain and now catheterized? It seems beyond unfair...
I don't think it's wrong of you at all to wish for her to go because, what your really wanting, isn't for Jan to be gone but for Jan to be free of pain...I understand that wish completely. You have every right to feel that way...you love her and when you love someone like that, you don't like to see them hurting or doing things you know they wouldn't have wanted done.
You and Cory both must be so tired...I do hope your finding time to take care of yourselves as well.
I can't tell you how much it means to all of us to be recieving these updates. I know it must be hard for you but it is so appreciated...
Love Becky xx

[lvfrogs]

Lisa,
I can't say it any better than ButterflyTc did. I pray everyday that when God is ready, he will take Jan in his loving arms. I pray that he will wrap those same loving arms around you, Cory, Katie and Kelley. With love, Colleen

[butterflytc]

Dear Lisa,
    I can hear the love you feel for Cory, and meeting him in Springfield last year. I understand why. He is so good for Jan, and really looks out for her. You could see the love they share. I hate this feeling of meeting people here daily, supporting them throughout this damn disease, and then not being able to find closure. Only to watch for word that the person we have shared days with, is now gone from our forum. Unfortunately when our time comes, God takes us in his own time, and we must travel that road alone. If we are truly blessed, we have wonderful family and friends around us, to keep us feeling safe til that moment arrives. I am glad that Jan has so many with her now, to keep her feeling safe..but my heart breaks for all of you, having to say Goodbye to your wife, sister, mom. Jan loved, and was loved, and is being loved til then very end of our time is what counts. We as cancer patients, all worry about the end, and don't want our loved ones to watch us suffer. It is something we live with throughout our battles. Being here supporting each other is what we try and do, but what do we do with the loss we feel? Knowing we cannot stop the end of the disease, and just hoping the friend on the other end of the computer knows that we still are here supporting them til the last breath, and struggling with the emotions of our own futures. We become like family here in so many levels, and have to accept that we can only be there for the fight. The end is in God's hands, not ours. From the bottom of my heart, I wish we could take the pain out of the endings, and not have to say farewell to so many people who have touched our lives. I am trying to find comfort, in seeing those people who are waiting for us on the other side. My heart aches for you right now Lisa, and I thank you deeply for keeping Jan safe and loved, while she is on this earth.
God Bless
love
butterflyTc

[gma718]

I admire your strength and courage you have shown your sister and your family..Last night I was reading some old emails and posts between Jan and I...she was some special lady and very strong willed...I only pray that she is comfortable now and not in pain and that God watches over all of you at this most difficult time...xoxo Gia

[SimplyStar]

Lisa ,God teachs us a lesson at times like this, in His time, not ours, His is the ultimate  care provider and when He is ready He will will gather Jan up gently and take her home.  All my Love to you all at this trying time,  if you can read some scripture to her now, like the 23rd Palsm and the Lords Prayer.