confused..

[confusedalot1]

Alright, I have had every mental  diagnosis you can think of..ranging from Schizophrenia to PTSD and Bipolar disorder.  I don't know what it is when I've been to so many doctors each going what was the other one thinking it is (fill in the blank).  My history is this...a rape(oddly enough I don't think about it much), extreme violence(had shots fired at me, seen some shots hit others, had a friend-protector of mine at the time-take one and well it ended badly for him, knives have been pulled on me, many threats, etc all of this has really complicated life).  I was scared to mention this much to anyone so, I have told bits and pieces of what is going on...and the trust issue I have((s)he hasn't had these experiences they don't understand truly understand) don't help any.  I still get in the robot mode like  I did then where it was fight or die pretty much. I did a lot of things in that situation to live I won't tell here but, I'm not proud of having to do them.  I get really angry when anyone brings it up though I will do my best to hide how I feel.  If I show a weakness like emotion it will be used against me in the cruelest most damaging way it can be used.  I refuse to exit a place through the same door I entered-if it can be helped.  I hate public areas but, will sit nearest the exit in the corner where I can everyone there.  If I can't I get antsy and constantly look over my shoulder.  Reliving the stuff really is bothersome.  Sometimes, someone will try to help/comfort and I will attrack them....not even know Idid it until they say something to me about it.  That is really embarrassing.  As far as weapons, I don't fear them though if someone I don't know so much starches their rear, I think they are going after a weapon and prepare for the next course of action.  I hate conflicts but,  do not sugar coat a thing.  I was told I am "abrasive" with words but, I won't coddle noone.  I have a lot of anxiety and do have panic attacks.  On occasion, a second or two flash of something that happened during that time comes up.  Robot mode is really annoying.  it served a purpose in that environment but, having to fake expected emotions sometimes is a chore.  The meds I have been on made it worse.  I hated the meds and haven't been on them in a year.   My moods are crazy.  I can go from normal to robot mode to angry at the world to depressed...My last doc said it was PTSD.  A lady that has worked with veterans told me something like it's Complex PTSD.  I have no clue.  Anyone have a clue out there?

[drifter0213]

you have PTSD :)

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Usually treatment for PTSD involves some form of therapy and medication.  If you don't have a therapist it would be a good idea to get one.

[confusedalot1]

Is there a way to treat it without meds?  I've tried them and all that changed was the strength but, it got worse.  I really don't want to go through what I have went through with the meds again.   They scare me.  

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Sounds a lot like PTSD, I'm going to second that.  A doctor will diagnose you depending on all the small details you give.  They make all the difference in a diagnosis and a diagnosis is just an opinion anyway.  The only important part of it is it gets you the proper medication you need.

[confusedalot1]

I did with the one I go to now and oh yeah, the lady with experience with the vets too.

[myenzoorka]

It sounds a lot like PTSD.  But there may be more going on (you did say that you have a problem telling the whole story to any one person).  You really need to be able to tell a doctor everything.  Perhaps you can write a letter for your doctor to read.  That way you can add to the letter in bits and pieces over several days - so it won't feel like you're giving all of your past information to one person.  The doctor may not truly understand what you've been through by their own experiences, but that should not make them less trustworthy.  In fact, would you want someone with crazy moods (as you said) to be the one you need to rely on for help, or would you prefer someone who can come at this problem with objectivity, logic and knowledge?  I know pointing that out doesn't really help you be more trusting - but maybe, if you can remind yourself of these things, it will be easier as time passes.  You really need to be able to give a doctor as full of a picture of what you're experiencing as possible.  That will be the best way to find an accurate diagnosis and treatment.