Sleeping with 14 year old son, appropiate or not?

[a_few_queries]

Hello, I just have a question pertaining to my GF and her 14 year old son. She has been a single Mom for half of her son's life and then got married when the boy was at age seven (Her ex-husband was not his biological father). Obviously she has now gotten a divorce and we met early on in her seperation from her ex-husband (alittle over a year ago). I have noticed that on occassion her 14 year old boy sleeps with her whenever I'm not there (I work nights four days out of a week) and recently - in the last week or two - this behavior has somewhat increased. He has slept with her probably three or four nights that I haven't been there over that time frame. I feel uncomfortable with that situation occurring, mainly because of the child's age but also because neither one of them (especially my GF) seem uncomfortable with it. Furthering more background to this is the fact that the boy is more sexualized for his age then some other kids that I know in his age group. Also in her previous relationship with her ex-husband, the boy would try and sleep together with them and be forced by the ex-husband to sleep on the floor in their bedroom, right up until the boy was roughly 12-13 years old, when finally he slept in his own room. Finally, my GF did confide in me that one night last summer, he did enter her (our) room and tried to "imitate" me while she was sleeping - talking in a low voice, calling her by her name rather than as just "Mom" and some other things that I did find disturbing. I feel that I'm not over-reacting to this and I haven't brought it up with her yet, but feel that maybe alittle honest feedback would help me before I decide on what my next action should or shouldn't be.

[redsmom]

There is a term for this - its called enmeshment, look it up. It is essentially emotional incest. I know the mom did not mean it this way but this is how the son is intrepreting their relationship. Sexual behavior is one indicator. She needs to establish healthy boundries or her son will have nothing but troubled relationships as an adult. Been there and fixing it now!

[therese83]

Erections, Arent you all forgetting Erections etc,   Getting an Erection with your mom in the bed,,,,,,,,,,seriously

[meg613]

well i'm 17..... and last year when i was really upset i used to beg my dad to let me sleep in his bed. he stopped letting me when i was like 14 and it was really upsetting.
i really do not think there is any thing wrong with the girl sleeping in bed with her dad. i wish i still could, when i am upset i still really want to ask but i know that if he says no i will be even more upset.

[areyoukidding]

We have some friends who are recently divorced.  They have 2 children - a boy 8 and a girl 17.  They have both grown up sleeping with their mother and continue to do so when they are at their Mother's house.  

I was recently told by my friend (the mother) that when the daughter is at her dad's house alone, he has allowed her to sleep with him.  While I believe it to be completely innocent, I was horrified to think that any man would allow a 17 year old daughter to share a bed with them.  Granted she is very immature for her age, but she is 17 just the same!  This man is a police officer and I think he should know better!

The mother didn't seem concerned at all about it.  Am I crazy for being so alarmed by this?

[medhelper71]

Wow, I cannot believe the horrible advice you have been getting on this board.  Anyone....ANYONE who thinks that this is normal behavior should really seek counseling for their own parental issues, and/or they do not understand puberty and male sexuality.  This is not the child's fault, so do not be angry with him, it is your girlfriend's fault for not setting boundries and establishing a healthy Parent/Child relationship.  Her unwillingness to do so has forced a severe Oedipal Complex on this boy.You need to put a stop to this IMMEDIATLEY.  Imagine that you have two children of opposite sexes and liked to bathe them together, which is fine, when would you stop?  You would probably stop either at a time when you thought it was inappropriate or when one of the children started to notice the difference in their bodies...when the child was aware of the different sexuality.  This 14 year old boy is well aware that his mother is a woman.  At this point he feels that it is normal for him to replace you while you are working.  The creepy behavior of that one particular evening is a SERIOUS WARNING SIGN...do not ignore it.  The young man has sexualized his relationship with his mother and she has done nothing to discourage it.  If it continues on it will be to the detriment of the boy, the mother, and your relationship with both. Who knows what he has been oing while she is asleep?  She caught him this time, but who knows if he has copped a feel or what-have-you while she was in deep rem sleep.  The boy may get sexual gratification out of the sleeping arrangement at first and then feel massive guilt about it afterwards, which may cripple him from having normal sexual feelings towards girls his own age and other non-relatives.  He could grow up feeling guilt anytime he is sexually aroused and thus be unable to communicate with girls in a healthy way.  It will definitely intrude upon his relationship with his mom, and her with him.  she should be able to hug and kiss her own child without fear that he is aroused by it, and he should be able to be nurtured by his mother without the feelings of guilt described before.  Eventually, if this continues, he will resent the times when you are home and feel severe jealousy at the fact that you are sleeping with his mom, when he wants to be the one sleeping with her.
My advice would be to end this immediately.  Talk to your gf, let her know the harm she is doing to her child, and let her know that the "creepy" thing that happened is not going to be an isolated incient, it was a sign that shoul have woken her up to the fact that he is sexually attracted to her.  Ignore anyone here is thinks this is normal...it is definitely not.  Good Luck.

[Hai2u]

Im younger than her son and I would say its pretty normal especially if hes been sleeping with her since he was young. My brother use to share a bed with my mom all the time when he was that age. Also you have to remember youre the new one in the family so you shouldnt feel uncomfortable with him sleeping in the same bed as his mother when youre gone, I mean its her son for gods sake