Primary Tokophobia (fear of pregnancy)- support groups?

[ratherUnhappyLady]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my partner for about 5 years (we are both approaching 30), but recently he has expressed an interest in starting a family in a few years time.

The problem is I have never wanted children and suffer from a serious fear of pregnancy so even if I wanted them, I am not sure I could go through with a pregnancy. My fear is so bad that even being around a pregnant women I begin to suffer "sympathy pains" (back ache, stomach cramps, dizziness/sickness etc) or anxiety attacks.

To be clear I am not about to have a child just to please my partner, but I dont want my fear to rule out us having them if we *both* decide its something we want in the future.

I have read that Cognitive Therapy can help with this condition, but I am not yet ready to approach my GP to request a referral as I get tearful even thinking about it and it would be an awful waste of their time for me to take such help right now- I want to connect to other people who suffer the same condition and hear their experiences etc.

Are there any online support groups specifically for this condition? Since I never planned upon having children, I have never had to try and address this fear before and googling has turned up nothing particularly helpful.

All replies greatly appreciated.

[twelly83]

sorry just posting this so i can add this post to my watchlist. If anyone has had any luck dealing with this problem id love to know.

[lostallhope]

Every word you have said to describe your phobia is EXACTLY what i feel.
I am not married yet, and i try hard to avoid long term relationships cause i feel my partner would one want kids, and then the pain of heartbreak will be unbearable cause i know i could never do it.
And you couldnt be more right about the fact that NO ONE understands, they throw sh*t at me instead, with insulting statements like "women have done it for millions of years" or "you'll change your mind".

I too feel nauseous when i see pregnant women, i can't stand them. Neither can i stand watching movies, tv shows with pregnant women, especially childbirth scenes. I have to leave the room, and even so...i even cry once i've left.
I feel childbirth is the most barbaric thing on earth, and wonder how people can be happy when watching a woman scream her lungs out, and see her face contorted in pain.

I do not feel this feeling is abnormal, in fact i consider people who do find childbirth 'beautiful' to be sadists, barbaric misogynists.
I have tried counseling, but my therapist dismissed my fears, and made me feel unworthy cause women should WANT to go through that kind of torture to have kids.

I wish there were support groups for women like us. I haven't met a single other person who shares my feelings, and it is very lonely, frustrating and depressing.

[mkg567]

I don't know about any support groups, but it was really a relief to find this post and know that there are women like me out there. I have always felt alone in my fear of pregnancy too. Ever since I was a teenager, I felt very uncomfortable around pregnant women, and I knew I never wanted to go through that ordeal. I don't like children either, and usually have to leave the room when they're around. My last relationship ended because I didn't want to have children. Now my younger sister is pregnant, and she is really upset with me because I don't want to hear about her numerous pregnancy symptoms or see her swollen belly. I have never had counseling for this, because I knew that no amount of counseling could make me want to have children. However, now I am considering it to help me deal with my sister's pregnancy. Has anyone else hear had tokophobia put a strain on your relationship with a close friend/relative who is pregnant?

[ratherUnhappyLady]

My sister has just announced she is pregnant so I know exactly what you are going through. I have straight out told her about my fear of pregnancy in the hope that she wont take offence to me distancing myself a little. Only time will tell if it has worked.

I am considering starting a tokophobia support forum since I haven't been able to locate one but have found that there are enough women who suffer this for it to be worth the trouble. I will update this thread once I have done so.

[wickibeth]

Thank you for your words. I feel exactly the same, i went through a divorce already, and now i am 35 the last age to have kids, but still I dont want them, i am terribly scared about the idea of being pregnant, but not only that I cant see myself as a mother I really dont want kids. I dont like them, I live in Guatemala, which is a latin, closeminded city, so it is great to finally find someone who understands exactly what is like to be different, and neither accepted nor understood. If any one like me reads this post please write me; ***@****

[AcesPlace]

Let me give you all some insight.  I was 12 years old when I decided I was not having any children, no discussion of the issue.  It cost me three great relationships, influenced the choice of the man I married (bad selection, we divorced), and the decision caused me great grief from family members, parents, friends and the community in general.  I am now over 50, single, no kids, no partner, no husband, only one other living relative.  It's extremely difficult when your older family members die and you are alone, but I would rather face this situation that commit suicide rather than go through a pregnancy.  Pregnancy is barbaric, disgusting, abusive, disfiguring, mutilating and it reminds me of an animal slaughter, actually.  You DO NOT have to have a baby if you do not want to do so.  Stand incredibly firm, and be willing to lose relationships and irritate and fight with your family members if necessary.  Remember, parents will be furious and hurt when they figure out that you mean business and they are not going to have any grandchildren.  I was emotionally smacked around for 17 years over this decision, and I still know it was the right thing for me. You will pay a high price, but it was either no children or I was going to kill someone else and then kill myself if pregnant, and I meant what I said.  I finally convinced people I would be happy to endanger them and/or their children if they kept pushing the subject.  I didn't plan to act on it, but they believed me, and that finally shut them up.   You have a right to do what you want with your own body, and it is nobody else's business.  I had to tell a few loudmouths I would kill their children and myself before I would go through a pregnancy, and that shuts them up.  Scares the hell out of doctors, too, for the legal liability.  DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU.  But understand, there is a price to pay.  I am totally alone now, and I will likely be totally alone for 20-30 years.  Be prepared.  I'm dealing with the loneliness now, and it is no picnic, but it beats the hell out of suicide 25 years or so ago, because that was the plan if I got pregnant and couldn't have an abortion.  Pregnancy disgusts me no end.  I deserved better, and I got it.  Let someone else be used by a parasite.  Not for me.