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OT--How do you say no w/o feeling like a meanie?
Normal people look forward to paydays, me on the other hand dread paydays! I mean yes i love getting paid, BUT i always know my husbands phone will be ringing non-stop throughout the day. His family calls us all the time for money! Especially his moms brothers! He is the youngest of 4 and his brothers who are 30, 32 & 34 are coonstantly calling us for money. Before we moved in together he was always sending money to his family which would leave him dirt broke! I usually paid for everything when we went out or bought him things he needed for work...like work shirts or new uniform pants, socks etc. Well now that we are married and have a baby on the way i have been puting my foot down! He tells me his uncle or brother calls and all i say is "how much are they asking for THIS time!?" Then he asks me if its ok if he sends some money...my usual response is..."we have a baby on the way, we cant afford to keep supporting YOUR family." He once told me that his uncles told his mom to tell him not to get married because he wont be sending any more money to them! Like seriously WTF!?! They told his mom that he joined the military to support her and the family, not run off and start his own! Everytime i think about this i get so angry and when i see them calling my husbands phone i just want to push ignore, but i dont. I just give my husband the "dont EVEN ask me" face. They know we just got married, we are expecting a baby and yet they still never hesitate to call for money! Last month his uncle called to remind my husband that his birthday was coming up...i could give a rats a** about his birthday, but i went with my husband to buy him a gift to send anyway. We bought him a digital camera and some new shoes like he had asked for. Well when he got the box he called my husband and said "what no money? its my birthday!" UGH i was so angry i just left the room! Then we find out the shoes werent for him they were for his new girlfriends son! And the camera...he broke instantly and then had the nerve to ask for a new one! I told my husband h*ll NO!
Well this morning before either of us got up for work his brother calls asking for money...the one that was here for our wedding...my husband told him he'll call back because he was going to talk to me first and i heard his brother say "youre the man, you dont have to ask her anything!" Yes i was getting ready to grab that phone and cuss him out! Not only did he run up our phone/cable bill to $488, but now hes asking for money AGAIN! When he was here, he made international calls to New Zealand and come to find out he ordered 10 pay per view p0rn movies on our tv while everyone was sleeping that cost $12.99/movie! I was so angry because my husband tried to hide it from me so i wouldnt get mad at his brother! I told my husband that he shouldnt hide things because i ALWAYS find out! THEN his other brother that lives in Samoa calls not even 5 minutes later asking if we could "help" pay part of his airfare to New Zealand...im already angry at this point so my husband tells his brother we dont have the money because we just did all our Christmas shopping. His brother then says "take back the PS3 your wife bought you and send me the money!" I didnt say anything...i just stared at the wall, i could feel my face getting hot from being so angry! My husband told him he cant cause i bought it with my credit card then he says "cant you ask her parents for money?! Or tell your father in law to sell 1 of the 5 cars he has sitting in his driveway!"
At this point i am cussing up a storm! How dare he even ask my husband to ask my parents for money! Who gives a crap if they have money, they too have bills!
My husband has such a good heart and he is always willing to give even if he doesnt have much, so its hard for him to say no to his family but enough is enough!
Have any of you dealt with something like this? And how do you say no without feeling like the bad guy? Sometimes i tell my husband "ok, i guess you can send them money" if i know we have some extra money, but when i do say no i feel so guilty...not because we didnt send money, but the look on my husbands face makes me feel so bad. I just dont know what to do anymore.
Well this morning before either of us got up for work his brother calls asking for money...the one that was here for our wedding...my husband told him he'll call back because he was going to talk to me first and i heard his brother say "youre the man, you dont have to ask her anything!" Yes i was getting ready to grab that phone and cuss him out! Not only did he run up our phone/cable bill to $488, but now hes asking for money AGAIN! When he was here, he made international calls to New Zealand and come to find out he ordered 10 pay per view p0rn movies on our tv while everyone was sleeping that cost $12.99/movie! I was so angry because my husband tried to hide it from me so i wouldnt get mad at his brother! I told my husband that he shouldnt hide things because i ALWAYS find out! THEN his other brother that lives in Samoa calls not even 5 minutes later asking if we could "help" pay part of his airfare to New Zealand...im already angry at this point so my husband tells his brother we dont have the money because we just did all our Christmas shopping. His brother then says "take back the PS3 your wife bought you and send me the money!" I didnt say anything...i just stared at the wall, i could feel my face getting hot from being so angry! My husband told him he cant cause i bought it with my credit card then he says "cant you ask her parents for money?! Or tell your father in law to sell 1 of the 5 cars he has sitting in his driveway!"
At this point i am cussing up a storm! How dare he even ask my husband to ask my parents for money! Who gives a crap if they have money, they too have bills!
My husband has such a good heart and he is always willing to give even if he doesnt have much, so its hard for him to say no to his family but enough is enough!
Have any of you dealt with something like this? And how do you say no without feeling like the bad guy? Sometimes i tell my husband "ok, i guess you can send them money" if i know we have some extra money, but when i do say no i feel so guilty...not because we didnt send money, but the look on my husbands face makes me feel so bad. I just dont know what to do anymore.
Amanda: Yeah girl i have never dealt with people who ask for money like they do! Its ridiculous, his family is the reason i refused to name my son my husbands brothers name LOL! I just cant stand how they are! My husband and i have a joint account, so i would know if he sends money behind my back lol. I make sure i know what goes in and outta that bank account...i had to because of his family. His brothers told my husband "You married into the right family!" Like we are effing rich or something! It ticks me off! My dad is retired Navy and my mother is an RN! By no means are my parents rich lol! They make a good living, but they work hard for their money. His brothers are all older than him, they should send him money! My older brother sends me money LOL but only for birthdays or special occasions! God forbid they should find out my brother is a cardiologist! They'd be blowing HIS phone up! LMAO i would call his family and tell them i need money BUT most of them dont even speak english!
Ammanda: I know what you mean...i would get so angry and not talk to my husband if he'd send money without telling me first! He learned his lesson when he sent money to his family leaving us with $11.90 in our joint account and i DIDNT deposit my check into the account LMAO! I deposited it into my savings account! He had to ask me for money! He never did it again! And yeah i was upset when he said he couldnt return it because i used my credit card...i wish he wouldve said, no i wont return it or something like that, but no...hes still on ignore mode as we speak LOL! Ive been ignoring his calls today.
Malia: I have tried to talk to him about it, but it seems like its not getting in his head. Ive explained how babies are expensive and how much diapers are going to cost us, but he always says "we have money..." or "you dont know what its like to not have money growing up" Which is BS my parents both grew up poor! I know what its like to be broke and having to ask for money...but i always paid my parents back lol!
Clysta: I am shocked too LOL! I love my husband and i knew from the beginning that his family comes along with him...i just didnt know they DEPEND on him! It su*ks tho, it really does. Ive asked my husband not to send money and he does say no when i tell him to but next payday...they are asking again and im saying no again lol. Its like we can say no numerous times but they wont stop asking. Its frustrating.
Julia: Hahahaha i have no idea! He tells me his family is poor, yet his brothers wife went to Australia a couple weeks ago to see her family...WTF!?! Makes no sense! I see pictures of them on facebook eating out at restaurants and taking "field trips" and im like...UGH they dont look poor to me! I told my husband he needs to stop sending them money because ill be d*mned if we go broke and i have no food to eat to feed our baby! He changed his number but he is a mamas boy and his mother gave his number to his uncles.
Ammanda: I know what you mean...i would get so angry and not talk to my husband if he'd send money without telling me first! He learned his lesson when he sent money to his family leaving us with $11.90 in our joint account and i DIDNT deposit my check into the account LMAO! I deposited it into my savings account! He had to ask me for money! He never did it again! And yeah i was upset when he said he couldnt return it because i used my credit card...i wish he wouldve said, no i wont return it or something like that, but no...hes still on ignore mode as we speak LOL! Ive been ignoring his calls today.
Malia: I have tried to talk to him about it, but it seems like its not getting in his head. Ive explained how babies are expensive and how much diapers are going to cost us, but he always says "we have money..." or "you dont know what its like to not have money growing up" Which is BS my parents both grew up poor! I know what its like to be broke and having to ask for money...but i always paid my parents back lol!
Clysta: I am shocked too LOL! I love my husband and i knew from the beginning that his family comes along with him...i just didnt know they DEPEND on him! It su*ks tho, it really does. Ive asked my husband not to send money and he does say no when i tell him to but next payday...they are asking again and im saying no again lol. Its like we can say no numerous times but they wont stop asking. Its frustrating.
Julia: Hahahaha i have no idea! He tells me his family is poor, yet his brothers wife went to Australia a couple weeks ago to see her family...WTF!?! Makes no sense! I see pictures of them on facebook eating out at restaurants and taking "field trips" and im like...UGH they dont look poor to me! I told my husband he needs to stop sending them money because ill be d*mned if we go broke and i have no food to eat to feed our baby! He changed his number but he is a mamas boy and his mother gave his number to his uncles.
I have a friend whose parents are like this! kinda. My friends brother is in this late twenties. He was always in the wrong crowd and is parents always bailed him out. He will punch his car or crash them while drunk or what not and they will be like oh ok well we'll get you a new one you need a car! he also as a 4 yo son who his parents take care of on the weekend and his little sister and the boys moms parents take car of on the weekdays! i remember a day that he was asked to babysit his child! thats not babysitting that parenting!
thats off topic but you get the point as others have stated it too. ur dh needs to talk to them bc if he keeps helping them they are never gonna grow up and learn and they are gonna bwe asking for money for their families. which isn't his responsibility. a sibling should never have to take care another sibling is that sibling is capable of taking care of themself.
like amanda said you have a lot more patients then me!
thats off topic but you get the point as others have stated it too. ur dh needs to talk to them bc if he keeps helping them they are never gonna grow up and learn and they are gonna bwe asking for money for their families. which isn't his responsibility. a sibling should never have to take care another sibling is that sibling is capable of taking care of themself.
like amanda said you have a lot more patients then me!
Have you tried writing out a budget? Maybe if your husband sees on paper, in black and white, the expenses you need to cover, then sees what he has left over...and what he's wanting to send to his family, maybe that will make it "real" for him.
I've had to do this for the last couple of months for my husband. He was spending money without thinking of anything other than the bills--not thinking of what he was paying to eat out at lunches, or the car maintenance, or our oldest son's school tuition and miscellaneous school costs, or even paying for gas. So he was thinking he'd need $X to pay the bills, and the rest he could just spend however, whenever.
Anyway, long story short--I now make a bi-weekly budget for our finances. Every single expence from paycheck to paycheck. Every single one. I do this on an Excel spreadsheet.
So if we order something from a dollar menu for fast food, that price is not ignored in the budget. It gets calculated in to the spreadsheet as soon as I have access to it again.
Just as an example of our budget, our paydays are on the same days bi-weekly, and let's say we get $1600 (just an example) for the first two weeks of the month. We have two kids, a dog and a cat, small birds, a home, two cars, cell phones and internet, student and car loans, etc. So here goes-- $400 for mortgage, $500 for oldest son's school tuition, $130 for car insurance, $150 for two weeks of groceries and baby food, $20 for diapers, $15 for pet food, $150 for cell phones, $60 for internet, an average of $175 for utilities...you get the picture. All that right there is *exactly* $1600. And all that right there does NOT include putting gas in the cars or any extra or emergency costs that come up--you know, all it takes is some crazy thing like your plumbing in your house exploding and you're needing an extra $400 to make the repairs, for example. Or some medical issue comes up that has a deductible of $200. Then what?
It's critical that you build up savings for these reasons. ANY extra money that you guys have from this point forward should go into a savings account that can accrue interest. It should NOT be going to family members who can't earn their own living and don't even appreciate what they get from you.
I think you can tell this to your husband without feeling guilty, because it's simply the facts. He has a wife a child to care for now...you two should come first and there should be NO guilt associated with that for him. His family needs to make their own living and quite being so oblivious and insensitive to him and you and your family. What are they going to tell him when your baby comes? "Take your baby's diapers, clothes and toys back to the store so you can send money to us!"
Yeah...that'll go over REAL well. Then again, maybe that'll be what it takes for him to wake up and not feel so guilty, when they tell him to put their selfish desires above his own child's needs.
I've had to do this for the last couple of months for my husband. He was spending money without thinking of anything other than the bills--not thinking of what he was paying to eat out at lunches, or the car maintenance, or our oldest son's school tuition and miscellaneous school costs, or even paying for gas. So he was thinking he'd need $X to pay the bills, and the rest he could just spend however, whenever.
Anyway, long story short--I now make a bi-weekly budget for our finances. Every single expence from paycheck to paycheck. Every single one. I do this on an Excel spreadsheet.
So if we order something from a dollar menu for fast food, that price is not ignored in the budget. It gets calculated in to the spreadsheet as soon as I have access to it again.
Just as an example of our budget, our paydays are on the same days bi-weekly, and let's say we get $1600 (just an example) for the first two weeks of the month. We have two kids, a dog and a cat, small birds, a home, two cars, cell phones and internet, student and car loans, etc. So here goes-- $400 for mortgage, $500 for oldest son's school tuition, $130 for car insurance, $150 for two weeks of groceries and baby food, $20 for diapers, $15 for pet food, $150 for cell phones, $60 for internet, an average of $175 for utilities...you get the picture. All that right there is *exactly* $1600. And all that right there does NOT include putting gas in the cars or any extra or emergency costs that come up--you know, all it takes is some crazy thing like your plumbing in your house exploding and you're needing an extra $400 to make the repairs, for example. Or some medical issue comes up that has a deductible of $200. Then what?
It's critical that you build up savings for these reasons. ANY extra money that you guys have from this point forward should go into a savings account that can accrue interest. It should NOT be going to family members who can't earn their own living and don't even appreciate what they get from you.
I think you can tell this to your husband without feeling guilty, because it's simply the facts. He has a wife a child to care for now...you two should come first and there should be NO guilt associated with that for him. His family needs to make their own living and quite being so oblivious and insensitive to him and you and your family. What are they going to tell him when your baby comes? "Take your baby's diapers, clothes and toys back to the store so you can send money to us!"
Yeah...that'll go over REAL well. Then again, maybe that'll be what it takes for him to wake up and not feel so guilty, when they tell him to put their selfish desires above his own child's needs.
H*ll no i would never send money to greedy ppl like that. WHAT ARE THEY flippin hungry? Or Living OUTSIDE????? From the demands they make it sounds like they could use a lesson or two on proper etiquette. sheesh. You have way more patience then i do. I wouldve changed our phone numbers, or blocked theres already.
I'm shocked you still deal with it. DH's sister once was asking us for money and our food stamps while I was pregnant and I went mental on her. (We had gotten them for a few months while I was pregnant and we didn't have the money to get the things I could actually keep down) It drove me crazy that she knew this and would actually dare to ask, and that she knew we had a baby on the way and was asking for money she knew we didn't have. They won't learn until you properly tell them, and if they still don't listen then just ignore them. They're grown adults. They don't need to be crawling to family begging for money all the time. They need to learn how to manage their own and get out there and work. Your husband also is making it worse by always giving it to them as well. They know he'll say yes so they keep asking. Sit down with him and be firm about it. When that baby comes you won't be able to be so nice to everyone and he needs to learn this now.
My husbands brother was always borrowing money and not returning it. It annoys me to no end but i just put my foot down and said enough was enough and that our family and needs should ALWAYS come first. Maybe you should sit down with your husband and tell him that his family will never learn to stand on their own feet if he keeps helping them. He made the decision to better his life and his family survived before he ever took that leap. Instead of sitting around and asking for money his family should be out doing something to make their own way.
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