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Things NOT to say to someone who has miscarried
I decided to post this, because I am still dealing with my loss and am having an extremely difficult time with it. Battling depression, anxiety, lack of enjoyment of anything at all... And I know people have good intentions when trying to comfort you and counsel you after you have lost a baby, but some of the things they say are hurtful. Again, I know most people don't mean to hurt you, they just aren't sure what to say. This list is compiled of things people have said to me and also some things I have seen online or heard from other friends who have lost babies.
-At least you weren't that far along. (It doesn't matter how far along you were, a loss is a loss and it still hurts!)
-God will give you a baby when it's your time. (You WANTED that baby. Maybe you will have another baby later, but you wanted THAT one, and it doesn't help to hear "it wasn't your time")
-At least you know you CAN get pregnant. (Maybe so, but what if I never get pregnant again? Or even if I do, it doesn't minimize the life of the baby that I lost. That was MY baby.)
-Miscarriages are very common, it's happened to almost everyone. (Maybe it has, but it is very new and painful to me.)
-I had a miscarriage too so I know exactly how you feel. (I am so sorry that you had to deal with a loss too, but you don't know EXACTLY how I feel just like I don't know EXACTLY how you feel. Everyone deals with it differently.)
-There was probably something wrong with it anyway. (It doesn't matter to me...this was my baby and I don't care what kind of problems he or she may have had.)
-You'll get pregnant again, and if you don't you can always adopt. (I very well and hopefully will get pregnant again... but I might not. And yes, adoption is a great thing, but it doesn't make the loss of my baby any less real.)
-Nature takes care of her mistakes. (Mistake???? Excuse me?????)
-At least you were early, I carried my baby full term then she/he died. (I am very sorry that happened to you, but it doesn't mean your loss is "more sad" than mine.)
-Give it some time, you'll be alright. (This one is pretty self explanatory.)
-You're young, you have plenty of time. (Yes I may be 25 years old. But I am ready in every way and why does it matter how old you are? I wanted that baby at the time he or she was due.)
-Next time everything will be fine. (It might not be.)
-It's not the end of the world. (It sure feels like it to me. ...and yes, someone actually said this to me)
-So you needed a WHOLE week off from work? (Someone actually said this to me...and yes I did need that time because I had to have TWO d&c procedures done. I STILL came back to work before I was ready.)
-At least this was your first time, I've had 3 (or however many) miscarriages. (Again, I am very sorry you have had to deal with these losses, but it still doesn't make this any more real and sad for me.)
There are many more I just can't think of right now. I know people just don't know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind, but please think carefully before you say something like this to someone. You may mean well, but your words can be very hurtful. The person going through the loss is probably dealing with a lot of pain and emotions and can feel very alone. Thanks for reading, everyone.
-At least you weren't that far along. (It doesn't matter how far along you were, a loss is a loss and it still hurts!)
-God will give you a baby when it's your time. (You WANTED that baby. Maybe you will have another baby later, but you wanted THAT one, and it doesn't help to hear "it wasn't your time")
-At least you know you CAN get pregnant. (Maybe so, but what if I never get pregnant again? Or even if I do, it doesn't minimize the life of the baby that I lost. That was MY baby.)
-Miscarriages are very common, it's happened to almost everyone. (Maybe it has, but it is very new and painful to me.)
-I had a miscarriage too so I know exactly how you feel. (I am so sorry that you had to deal with a loss too, but you don't know EXACTLY how I feel just like I don't know EXACTLY how you feel. Everyone deals with it differently.)
-There was probably something wrong with it anyway. (It doesn't matter to me...this was my baby and I don't care what kind of problems he or she may have had.)
-You'll get pregnant again, and if you don't you can always adopt. (I very well and hopefully will get pregnant again... but I might not. And yes, adoption is a great thing, but it doesn't make the loss of my baby any less real.)
-Nature takes care of her mistakes. (Mistake???? Excuse me?????)
-At least you were early, I carried my baby full term then she/he died. (I am very sorry that happened to you, but it doesn't mean your loss is "more sad" than mine.)
-Give it some time, you'll be alright. (This one is pretty self explanatory.)
-You're young, you have plenty of time. (Yes I may be 25 years old. But I am ready in every way and why does it matter how old you are? I wanted that baby at the time he or she was due.)
-Next time everything will be fine. (It might not be.)
-It's not the end of the world. (It sure feels like it to me. ...and yes, someone actually said this to me)
-So you needed a WHOLE week off from work? (Someone actually said this to me...and yes I did need that time because I had to have TWO d&c procedures done. I STILL came back to work before I was ready.)
-At least this was your first time, I've had 3 (or however many) miscarriages. (Again, I am very sorry you have had to deal with these losses, but it still doesn't make this any more real and sad for me.)
There are many more I just can't think of right now. I know people just don't know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind, but please think carefully before you say something like this to someone. You may mean well, but your words can be very hurtful. The person going through the loss is probably dealing with a lot of pain and emotions and can feel very alone. Thanks for reading, everyone.
so what would you like people to tell you? I had a stillbirth and was told many of these things.they tried to make me feel better, and I appreciate that.they didn't know how I felt,and I didn't expect them to, but at least they tried.
Yeah...sounds like you dont want anyone to say anything...most of those were people trying to console you...lots of us on here are having a very difficult time i know im dealing with way more than i want to right now ...if you dont want to hear comments...good bad or indifferent...then i wouldnt post your business...just because a comment doesnt comfort you doesnt mean it wont help the next poster that may need to hear those things to feel better...maybe your post should have read...things not to say to YOU after a miscarriage...
My friend has a miscarriage the other night and I had no idea what to say to her. I knew she was so upset, and it broke my heart when she told me, but I honestly had no idea what to tell her to comfort her because I did not want to offend her. Thankfully I didn't say any of the things that you mentioned. I'm currently pregnant and she kept telling me to cherish my little one and I started crying because I was so heartbroken that she was having to go through this and I know it is going to make her even sadder when my baby shower comes up. Does anyone know what I should say or do if she gets upsets when I see her next?
well thanks to the people who are actually understanding, I really appreciate your ideas and encouragement as well as your true sympathy during the most difficult time in my life. I am so sorry for those of you who have also lost a baby or babies. I pray for your healing!
...as for the rest of you, I came here for support, not criticism. A simple "I am sorry" goes a long way and that has been the most comforting thing I have heard when telling people I had miscarried. It is hurtful to hear comments like, at least you weren't that far along... It is not that I don't want people to say ANYTHING, I just want people to think before they speak and as I said before a simple "I'm sorry" means more than any other comment. It is also very hurtful to hear, "if you don't want anyone to say something then don't post your business"... that was really a rude thing to say. This website is supposed to be where we can all come for support and encouragement, not to be reprimanded for the way we grieve and deal with our baby dying. I can see that this obviously isn't where I need to come for understanding and support from now on.
Again, thank you to the ladies who have been kind to me on this site. I may revisit this site at a later time, but I am going to go off for a while, because it makes dealing with the loss even worse when people are insensitive, especially on a site where I thought I could receive positive support and encouragement. Thanks.
...as for the rest of you, I came here for support, not criticism. A simple "I am sorry" goes a long way and that has been the most comforting thing I have heard when telling people I had miscarried. It is hurtful to hear comments like, at least you weren't that far along... It is not that I don't want people to say ANYTHING, I just want people to think before they speak and as I said before a simple "I'm sorry" means more than any other comment. It is also very hurtful to hear, "if you don't want anyone to say something then don't post your business"... that was really a rude thing to say. This website is supposed to be where we can all come for support and encouragement, not to be reprimanded for the way we grieve and deal with our baby dying. I can see that this obviously isn't where I need to come for understanding and support from now on.
Again, thank you to the ladies who have been kind to me on this site. I may revisit this site at a later time, but I am going to go off for a while, because it makes dealing with the loss even worse when people are insensitive, especially on a site where I thought I could receive positive support and encouragement. Thanks.
If you don't want sympathy, than why tell anyone that you had a miscarriage? I've had two miscarriages one in my first trimester and one in my second trimester and I can say for a fact that it is way harder to deal with the farther along you are, because you are least expectant for your child to die.
we're just trying to explain to you that people mean well.maybe they don't say the right thing but its hard for them as well.its a situation that purple don't go through a lot so the words are hard to find.maybe its a good idea that you take time off this site until you're ready to hear peoples advice instead of taking everything so negatively.
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