Things NOT to say to someone who has miscarried

[amn702]

I decided to post this, because I am still dealing with my loss and am having an extremely difficult time with it. Battling depression, anxiety, lack of enjoyment of anything at all... And I know people have good intentions when trying to comfort you and counsel you after you have lost a baby, but some of the things they say are hurtful. Again, I know most people don't mean to hurt you, they just aren't sure what to say. This list is compiled of things people have said to me and also some things I have seen online or heard from other friends who have lost babies.

-At least you weren't that far along. (It doesn't matter how far along you were, a loss is a loss and it still hurts!)

-God will give you a baby when it's your time. (You WANTED that baby. Maybe you will have another baby later, but you wanted THAT one, and it doesn't help to hear "it wasn't your time")

-At least you know you CAN get pregnant. (Maybe so, but what if I never get pregnant again? Or even if I do, it doesn't minimize the life of the baby that I lost. That was MY baby.)

-Miscarriages are very common, it's happened to almost everyone. (Maybe it has, but it is very new and painful to me.)

-I had a miscarriage too so I know exactly how you feel. (I am so sorry that you had to deal with a loss too, but you don't know EXACTLY how I feel just like I don't know EXACTLY how you feel. Everyone deals with it differently.)

-There was probably something wrong with it anyway. (It doesn't matter to me...this was my baby and I don't care what kind of problems he or she may have had.)

-You'll get pregnant again, and if you don't you can always adopt. (I very well and hopefully will get pregnant again... but I might not. And yes, adoption is a great thing, but it doesn't make the loss of my baby any less real.)

-Nature takes care of her mistakes. (Mistake???? Excuse me?????)

-At least you were early, I carried my baby full term then she/he died. (I am very sorry that happened to you, but it doesn't mean your loss is "more sad" than mine.)

-Give it some time, you'll be alright. (This one is pretty self explanatory.)

-You're young, you have plenty of time. (Yes I may be 25 years old. But I am ready in every way and why does it matter how old you are? I wanted that baby at the time he or she was due.)

-Next time everything will be fine. (It might not be.)

-It's not the end of the world. (It sure feels like it to me. ...and yes, someone actually said this to me)

-So you needed a WHOLE week off from work? (Someone actually said this to me...and yes I did need that time because I had to have TWO d&c procedures done. I STILL came back to work before I was ready.)

-At least this was your first time, I've had 3 (or however many) miscarriages. (Again, I am very sorry you have had to deal with these losses, but it still doesn't make this any more real and sad for me.)



There are many more I just can't think of right now. I know people just don't know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind, but please think carefully before you say something like this to someone. You may mean well, but your words can be very hurtful. The person going through the loss is probably dealing with a lot of pain and emotions and can feel very alone. Thanks for reading, everyone.

[Ayanami]

Amen! no one knows what I'm going thru.  Even if you lost a baby too, your lose is different than mine.  My second miscarriage was actually a blighted ovum and I was told "well at least it wasn't a real baby" :( but it was to me!!! My personal choice for a miscarriage is "leave me the hell alone. I'm not talking about it with you"  a bit harsh I know, but its extremely personal.  Hold me while I cry, lay around and watch tv with me, do grocery store runs for me but don't try to rationalize what has happened.

[Ldkalleck]

I made a note very similar to this on Facebook for my friends and family after my miscarriage last year. I got a lot of the "you're young" and"it just wasn't the right time." I also got the "at least you have one healthy baby." I don't think people mean any harm, but it's definitely heartbreaking. We want those babies. To us, they're already ours. We need time to grieve and we need support. I was lucky enough to have a fantastic husband who, although he hadn't experienced the near death physical experience (seriously, I lost so much blood I had a transfusion) he knew what I was going through emotionally. We both got tattoos for our angel. Passing the due date was hard, but we're expecting again and hopeful. But we'll never stop thinking about our lost baby.

[june282012]

After my second miscarriage, I found this saying that I still share with anyone who gives me grief about being sad about a miscarriage "what the heart has known and felt, it can never lose"...sending you lots of luck and super sticky baby dust!

[Babyiish]

I think it's a little hurtful when you say that we dont know how you feel....

I have posted  "I know how you feel" to make people feel better and I never thought I was offending anybody till now....
It's hard to share our experience with other people cuz it's like we are reliving the whole thing all over again.....
But we do it cuz we want you and everyone to know how our experience and pain was similar to yours
And maybe just maybe by us sharing our experience with you would make you or some one else  feel better

I know their a lot of mixed feeling 
Confusion, anger and disappointment etc.
After a mc
But we have all over come this in some way or another
So we are hoping to help you or anyone who has recently suffered a mc

[chantelleAlyce]

She's not saying she doesn't want sympathy for the loss of her child she is saying hurtful comments like the ones she posted hurts her feelings. And a simple I am sorry, is better then any of that. As she sais she came here for support not judgement. She lost her baby , shouldnt we all be saying nice and not posting harsh comments. This is a hard time in her life.

Amn702- I am truely sorry for your loss it is a very hard and sad time, and no matter how long goes by there is still that whole in your heart where someone is missing :( I had a stillborn baby boy and I got a lot of those comments, mum was in Bali when it happened and got back and I got everything, maybe he wasn't healthy, maybe it wasn't his time, maybe you wernt ready and you should be focussing on Connor (my other son) . My sister even had a fight with me 3 days after it because I was crying and sitting on the couch not feeling up to doing anything, she said you can't cry over it forever things happen your neglecting your son and she wouldn't even call him by his name . It had been 3 days and my son was fed , looked after just I wasn't happily running around playing with him. Iv had a lot of harsh comments from a lot of people, in saying that I had a lot of good support too. Iv learnt to realize people just don't understand because they simply wernt attatched to the baby.

[cjappert]

we're just trying to explain to you that people mean well.maybe they don't say the right thing but its hard for them as well.its a situation that purple don't go through a lot so the words are hard to find.maybe its a good idea that you take time off this site until you're ready to hear peoples advice instead of taking everything so negatively.