After being together for 2+ yrs, we STILL haven't had sex. HELP!

[flooritnfly]

Hello.

A little background: I have been going out with my girlfriend since 2/08. She is an incredible person in many ways and I love her to death. I am 23 and she is 20. We are different in a lot of ways but do share some similar tastes/interests and really love each others company. I couldn't imagine myself without her, and she has said the same to me.

The basic problem I am having is that she will not have intercourse with me at all. She is a virgin, I am not. We have done several sex-related things including oral sex, but have yet to have actual intercourse. Basically we have done "everything but", if you know what I mean. We have tried to have sex about a half dozen times or so and every time it has ended bad, usually with her in tears. She is scared to death of the pain and on my attempts she grimaces with the slightest/softest contact I make down in her "area". Now like I said, we have done "everything but" so I have given her hundreds of orgasms using my fingers/hands on her and she loves them. I have gone inside her lots of times with my index finger, but usually only at the point right before she starts to orgasm, other than that she says it doesn't feel good or hurts. She has in turn given me a few orgasms, but most of the time I usually finish myself. She is heavily inexperienced cause she is a virgin. Most everything she has learned I have taught/talked to her about.

Now, I am an impatient person in general with most everything, but I strive to be as patient as possible with her. I have not had full blown intercourse since before we started going out. Obviously I am EXTREMELY horny, and I honestly do not know what to do . I really don't want to leave her cause she is so special to me and I love her. I will also never ever cheat on her, I am not that type of person. It has gotten to the point of me telling her hundreds of times how bad I want to make love to her, and she usually just replies "I know, I know" or "I know, I suck", then it just makes me feel guilty. I am not going to break up with her just to have sex with someone, I do NOT want to leave her and there is a LOT more to relationships than just sex, in my opinion.

One thing I know she hates, as most females do, is her self image. She thinks she is fat and ugly. I tell her everyday I think she is beautiful (and I truly do think she is smokin!). I am sure this is part of the overall problem.

Not only am I horny as hell because I haven't had sex in about 3 YEARS and I am a normal young male, I also believe sex would help me a lot right now as I have a lot of stress in my life. I have only had sex a handful of times, so I have no idea how nice it must be to do it on a regular basis, even if its once or twice a week. I am very tired of feeling like a moron loser when my friends meet girls and have sex within days or weeks, and here I am sitting at 2 years ...and nothing....

I have even mentioned to my girlfriend to go to a doctor and see if "everything is alright down there" for her, thinking that perhaps there is something causing more pain for her than normal. She had her normal gynecologist checkup and the doc said everything is fine. I have also tried to get some toys to try and spice things up and prep her for sex but that hasn't helped either. She also mentioned "well maybe if I get drunk with you we'll be able to do it". This has actually yet to be attempted but history tells me more than likely it won't make a difference, not to mention she pretty much never drinks as it is and when she does it is very little.

Recently she has mentioned to me that she doesn't even care about having sex right now, saying "its not a big deal to me". I then tell her "well its not a big deal to you because you do not know what you're missing". I have also even thrown out the "well if you don't have sex with me then you must not love me" bit, not trying to hurt her or anything, but just to see what kind of response I get. When I say this she tears up and says she does love me, and all I accomplished by trying this was feeling like a moron. I tell her I would never hurt her (although by her being a virgin it is inevitable that it is going to hurt for her) and that if I could I would take all the pain for her. Sad thing is, it doesn't really matter what I say because she is scared to death of the pain from sex. And it doesn't help that she is a hypochondriac in general anyway, she admits this herself.


I am pretty much out of ideas here, and I am really really wanting a change and really really wanting to have sex on some sort of a basis, hell even if its once a month! Is all this just "normal virgin jitters"? Or is it something much more? What am I missing? I have never heard of any couple going out for 2 YEARS and not having intercourse. I am open to any type of advice, I am sure there are some ideas/issues I haven't thought of.

If you need more information about me/her/anything, please let me know!
Thank you for your time reading this and I look forward to your help!

[Franclim]

How is it going with your relationship  flooritnfly? Everyone here told you not to pressure her, and wait until she is ready. Well it is true to certain extent. I am going to give you a different perspective. Do you know why you still so in love with her? That is because your relationship at the moment is not based entirely on physical affection. Though it is going towards that direction since you and her have done everything except intercourse. So I'd say draw back for a moment. Think about this: Do you really love being with her now because of what she can offer you (Do everything except intercourse) ? Can you love her the way you are now if she doesn't help you with sex-related matter at all? Once you figure this out, you can decide. Leave her or wait until she is ready for intercourse (she probably wants to wait until after marriage)? I am not sure. One thing I am sure is, once you become so close to a person physically (intercourse), you start losing a full view perspective on this person. It is hard to know which part of this person you really love. Is it her inner part or just her body? It is like staring at a ball close-up, if you stay too near you will not be able to see its' rounded shape. So I wish you good luck in finding out  what you really like about her.

[arielariel]

I have to agree with this one. I'm 20 and been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. I am still a virgin. He never pressured me although he did mention about it once or 2 times. I guess I'm still afraid of the pain of losing my virginity or getting pregnant. We also tried everything "but".. and most of the time, he'll be asking for me to pleasure him, although I didn't want to but I did. So I know she is trying very hard to keep you happy. I know he is frustrated as you are, but if he's willing to wait until I'm ready, maybe I would not mind at all losing it to him. What I'm trying to say is, stop pressuring her and relate sex with love or she'll doubt your intentions and you'll lose her.

[ainttoshabby]

after 2 years theres something missing in the relationship, if she doesnt wanna have sex, if she loved you she would show it, i know i love it when my man gets off, mmmmm

[Meral]

just try to ber very romantic with her,you could make sth like a nice dinner out,candles,and tell her that it doesnt hurt at all,(say to her sweety things).in my opinion her tears show sth......just try to ber nicer with her,not because you werent,but try toconvince her that sooner or later she will have to want to do it....good luck

[teko]

Pregnancy could be a real fear. She is 20? She is smart to take it slow. You say you are doing everything but intercourse. You need to respect her decision and if that does not meet with your needs then rethink the relationship. It sounds like she has done everything but that, so at least is trying on some level? Cudo's to her for not going all the way. Especially in the times we live in. She is not ready till she is ready and to push it before she is, is very disrespectful of you toward her. Is she worth waiting for or not?

[ainttoshabby]

i suggest you go to a sex store and get a fake vagina thing, to ease of some frustrating, obviouslyher hymen is broken a bit, that will hurt the most, i suggest using lots of lube, do the 1 finger, then when shes confortable try the second finger, if that goes well you can try sepperating you fingers, the whole point here is to break her hymen open slowly, i just recently lost my virginity, i didnt have a hymen cause being 25 you could lose it riding a bike, anyways i enjoyed the pain and the pleasure, but i also have done lots of reasearch over the years, alot to gte my sexual knowledge up so that when i met the right guy i would know what to do, now its well know that the first time with a virgin isnt the best, but it gets better everytime you do it, has she had a mother figure to talk about sex and stuff with, like what it will feel like and what not, you cannot force her or play guilt trips, she has to be ready to part her legs fully with intent to go all the way. if you love her you will respect her, i know your frustrated and wanna go like rabbits cause well 25 im not that much older, i want it all the time, but with my man,and do not propose for sex, like katlynruth says, that why we have so much divorce,

and if shes willing to get drunk and try it (rolls eyes) that would be you taking advantage, i suggest maybe weed to take the edge off, or if she wants try some ecstacy, i cant spell tonight, makes her wild horny, but she has to make that choice, not you, but in the mean time, get her flowers, give her massages, cuddle, bee sweet, if you love her make her feel loved, make her feel beautiful, its more then saying your gorgous, do you guys ever just make out, and let the intensidy build, sex should be beautiful, you should both need it to happen, not just want it, and sex thats one sided is well served with the palmer sisters

and number two, shes a self diagnosed hypochondric, good to learn about that

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypochondriasis

it could be she s worried she will get sick or something from having sex, and learning about it will help you understand her, and most likly she doesnt trust doctors, but you have to, i imagine she has depression issues, probably not raised with two loving parents, that "still love eachother" and still have sex, alot of parents dont, was she ever abused?? whats her religion?her beliefs? if she says she dont care or it doesnt matter, then ask her what does, maybe you might have to take a break, and see if she really cares for you, cause love isnt one sided

[katlynruth]

I would just be patient. I was the same way with my husband at first. Even after being together for years i am still self conscience around him when im naked. dont pressure her about it. back off and let her lead. maybe if you love her so much propose and she will really see that you love her. if you dont plan to marry her then i wouldnt have sex with you either.
have you talked about marriage?

[Monica70]

Oh my, my first time HURT LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

It truly does hurt for some women and I am glad that I am not a virgin anymore. It took me years to even like sex. I couldn't see what people saw in it.

[teddybears4ever2]

Have you ever offered to help her?  My first time I wad scared to death. Is it that she is rather small and you are rather large?  While using your finger maybe you could get some KY Gel and show her when you use it howuch easier it is.

[RockRose]

I keep reading your story,  with various shadings,  on this board.

This is your decision,   and you'll have to balance what you want out of a relationship.

The thing is, she isn't a virgin for moral or religious reasons or she wouldn't continue to do everything "but",  especially hundreds of orgasms.

The thing that catches my eye especially is that you pleasure her and she doesn't do that for you.  

This is who she is.  It really has nothing to do with pain/fear,  because she could do other stuff,  but she isn't interested in that.

This is your choice.  She sounds like she has a lot of good qualities but caring whether you are sexually frustrated or not is not on her radar screen.  

If she doesn't care in the first couple years that you are very sexually frustrated,  it's not going to get better.  In this area she just really doesn't give.

Your decision.

[Vance2335]

What you need to do is back off about the sex with her. Don't talk about it or anything like that with her.

Now being a virgin it is likely that she is scared, may not be ready and being a virgin the area is going to be tight.

My overall advice is don't talk about sex with her because it makes her feel bad, but when you are fooling around use your fingers more. Start with 1 and then progress to 2. This will help her. Also don't pressure her at all for sex, this will create a rift between you two and you might lose her.