Disconnection in Marriage... Help.

[Dlist]

I am 33 and have been married for only 8 months (been together 5 years). I love my husband, but we have nothing in common and I no longer feel close to him, but I still love him.

He has very bad credit and cannot save money. I pay for everything, including the wedding, and feel like I'm drowning in debt - he will not help me. He always says he has no money to contribute but I know he makes about $600 more than me per month.

He pays for 1/2 the mortgage and bills, but never gives me anymore. Never pays for dinners out or coffee or anything. He just says it should come out of the money he gives me (which isn't enough). If I want to go on a trip or do anything I always have to pay.

He comes from an alcoholic family, and goes through about 8-10 15 packs of beer per month. He tells me he does not have a problem, and I don't drink at all. I don't know if I'm just being over sensitive, or if he does have a problem. If he does have a problem I worry about having children with him (we have none). Is he an alcoholic?
He will not communicate. If anyone - even me, asks him a question I just get a flat yes or no answer. He never elaborates, and gets angry when I try to tell him my concerns. He is NEVER abusive.

We never have sex. He is really not into it, and I know he was like that with his ex as well. He has begun taking anti-depressants, but I feel this is useless if he continues to drink.

I always just thought all men were the same. Drink beer and watch hockey. Poor communicators and don't do special things for their wives. I'm not sure I want to live my entire life like this. I know there are other men out there that are better suited to me, but am afraid I am making a horrible mistake by wanting to leave.

I don't know if I should just cut my losses and start over? I'm so confused. I knew all this stuff before I married him, but I loved him - and was nervous as I was getting older and thought I should get married... so I understand it's my fault for being in this situation.

Any advice is appreciated!

[teko]

Love does not make the world go round. Love is an emotion and as you now see, it does not pay the bills. Lots of red flags in your post and it would appear that you made a wrong choice and now realize it. I wouldn't give up just yet, how about some financial counseling? It sounds like some marriage counseling is in order as well, but if you are sure that you do not want to continue your married life then both of those would be a waste of time. We women generally let our hearts rule our lives and then somewhere down the road reality sets in. This is very common these days. I would have a very open talk with your dh and let him know exactly how you feel and both decide where to take it from there. It will not be easy but if you love him, it may be well worth the effort it will take. Good luck.

[jrobertson20]

I am sorry you are going through this.  It makes it even harder when you know somebody has a problem and they don't want to admit it.  If he is depressed that could explain his lack of wanting sex.  Maybe if you secretly kept a calendar of how much he drinks per day or mark the days he does drink and the amount you will have something visual to go along with your accusations.  Sometimes the visual helps them understand what is going on.  With the money that seems to be a big problem for most couples.  Have all the monthly bills out and show him how much it costs per month.  Keep grocery bills and receipts from going out.  Show him how much you spend in a month so again he has another visual example.  My husband and I share a checking and savings account.  My money is his and his money is mine.  It goes to bills and whatever else is needed.  We get so much each month out of that money and it's an equal amount.  It helps save on the arguing of money.  Again I am sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best of luck.

[Judy246]

I'm very concern that you feel that you have nothing in common with your new husband and have only been married 8 months (not good!).  You both are still in your early honeymoon stage, but understand that you have been together in a relationship 5 yrs. and that is significant . Also a new marriage without intimacy is definately headed for trouble and it will be a matter of time where something is going to give.

It's time to find the right time to sit down with him whether he likes it or not and discuss your concerns even if he doesn't like to communicate.  It's time to just come right out and discuss  all your concern  (trying to avoid an argument) about his handling of finances, lack of savings, lack of contributing to other expenses (name them), consumption of beer (or liquor), lack of communication in the relationship and behavior, such as getting angry over issues that need to be addressed, lack of intimacy in the new marrige and how he is not meeting your needs and tell him that you love him, but will not live the rest of your life feeling unhappy and ask him, "how can we discuss our issues and how can we resolved them, before our relationship becomes dysfunctional. Tell him you are unhappy and it's too early on into the marriage for these types of problem. Tell him that you love him , but feel a marriage counselor (third party) would be more effective and able to get down to the real issues of your relationship, before the problems escalate to separation, annulment or a divorce.

You can not live the rest of your life feeling miserable and it's only 8 months into your marriage. There is always an adjustment period and you have to attempt to find a way to address, discuss and come to some type of resolution, before you end up annuling your marriage with irreconcilable differences. You stated that you love him, so if your marriage is worth saving or fighting for then you need to address them and ask him how can we resolve issues that need to be addressed and my concerns. I wish you the best of luck and keep us informed of your situation. Hugs, Judy

[Dlist]

Wow... thank you for all the great comments everyone. I really appreciate it. We did go to a financial advisor, but he didn't agree with what she said so that was a bust.

He is really impossible to talk to. He just throws solutions at me (that don't work for me) and says we won't talk about it again until I try all these solutions. Its not helpful. I contemplated sending him an email? I know its impersonal, but at least that way I can say EVERYTHING I need to say without being interrupted and maybe he will have a chance to think about things?

All my friends and family are pushing for me to end it. He can't stand my mother and hates hanging out with my friends - so they are very supportive of me leaving if thats what I chose to do.

[specialmom]

Okay, please do not get mad here.  I'm concerned for a different reason.  Why did you marry him?  You were together for several years prior to marriage so certainly just the past 8 months can't be that different.  That concerns me.  You were a partner in this situation and if you do not address that within yourself, you will repeat the pattern.  I'm going to say that counseling is important for you.  Some situations sneak up on us, some we just accept with open arms.  After 4 years of dating, you knew you didn't have things in common with him, right?  This isn't new, right?  You knew he had financial issues (maybe not to the extent you do now but some-----------  how could you not?), right?
Have you already got your eye on another man?  It sounds like it to me.
Here is why I ask this-----------  nothing is new here.  If you told me that you met him, fell madly in love and got married on the fly, and now this is what you are stuck with . . . I'd say okay.  But you had a lengthy courtship.  
Yes you should leave him but do not date for about a year afterward.  You need to spend some time alone and become a really strong woman that does not need to have a man in your life.  Then you will be able to find the kind of man you want.  If you don't take that time, you will likely repeat the same pattern.  good luck

[Dlist]

Thanks Specialmom. Yes, I did know about some of his patterns before we got married. I married him because I loved him. I also had a fear of getting older and being alone (I wanted children) and felt pressure that if I don't get married now I'll be an "old maid". But I do love him, and that was the main reason.

He was irresponsible with money before yes. But since then we have bought a house (in my name and I put down 100% of the down payment) and got married (which I 100% paid for). So I am in much more debt now than I ever was before.

I never thought I could "change him" but I was hoping he would grow up and start to take responsibility.

I do appreciate your questions. I hope my answers make sense.

As for the "other man" There is not one man that I'm attracted to no. There are men out there (that I work with) that show me that all men are not beer guzzle hockey fans. But no, I'm not leaving for another man.

[specialmom]

Dlist, everyone deserves to be happy in their life.  You have no children and appear to want to leave, so I think it is no reason not too.   I just worry because you have a long history with this man and something has recently changed to make you think twice about him.  That is fine but I just want you to do the inner work to make sure you understand yourself well.  

Not dating after this relationship for a period of time will be important because I think you need to explore who you are by yourself.  This was a long time to be with someone and if you jump into another relationship, you'll skip that important step of soul searching. I also think counseling can help us understand ourselves better.  

I wish you the best of luck.  Relationships are always hard work but should have as many pros as cons (at least).  

[Dlist]

Thanks again everyone. I'm so glad you are so free to offer advice. I take offence to nothing and welcome the help.

I think my main concern is that I am drowning in debt. As I mentioned I put the down payment on our house. Paid for our wedding, our honeymoon, our rings. My credit card is maxed out, my line of credit is gone. I am barely getting by with the bills. Every time I ask him for money he always says he doesn't have any extra. Yet he spends around $250-$300 / month on BEER! He says thats his "treat" and its wrong for me to ask him to go without. I, however, go with out. Every penny I make goes back to paying off my bills - OUR bills. I have always had my credit card paid off in full every month - never touched my line of credit and now I have nothing.

It's not like I spent my money willy nilly on clothes or makeup. I bought OUR house and paid for OUR wedding. And now I feel like I'm suffering for it. I always think love is more important than money. But that feeling is slowly fading.

[Judy246]

Your welcome and try a debt consolidator to help consolidate most of your bills into one payment and I'm glad your did marry for the right reason...love.

[teko]

If you choose to divorce keep in mind that in itself can be very expensive and drawn out unless both of you decide on all the particulars of how to split the debt etc. The house would be sold unless as you said you can prove you paid for it, then you get it. The credit cards as well, but getting a judgment is easier than getting the money so good luck with that. It really does sound like your fighting an uphill battle but the damage is done so consider the route you want to take seriously and if you dont think you want to stay you need to get out sooner rather than later before it all gets worse. No beer money unless the bills are paid for the month tho.

[Dlist]

Thanks again for all your help everyone. I tried to speak to him tonight about money issues. I asked him if he could contribute more. Maybe some of his beer money could go towards bills.

Well - he has stormed downstairs and hasn't spoken to me since. I think that must answer my questions.

[specialmom]

You sound like a successful woman and one that can take care of yourself.  I think this relationship has run its coarse.  Stay single for a while as every woman needs that-----  but you are going to be fine.

Sell the house----------  take your half of the money and run.  Forget about being bitter about the wedding money.  You chose to do that and there is nothing you can do about it now.  Chalk it up to experience.  

Get a roommate to help offset the costs of living or take a cheap apartment.  But I think you will enjoy being on your own at this point.  
Good luck

[Judy246]

Also, everytime he "storms" out, it's very childish behavior and make sure that from this point on whether he likes it or not (he can storm out as many times as he wants like a child), you will point out behavior that is resulting in financial issues, ect. Don't let him intimidate you or control you with burst of anger childish behavior.

[teko]

Judy has a good point. Do not let him control you with his outbursts, that is why he is doing it cause it works.