Aa
Do I take a stand or let it go with the motorcycle?
My husband bought a motorcycle without consulting me. This is his second motorcycle and second decision he has made without me. Am I just being crazy? I tried to tell him these are decisions we make together as newly weds but he doesn't understand. He makes it seem like im being unreasonable and that this is his money and his decision. I dont want to ride the bike with him now even though i used to love doing it with the old one. Do i just let him win or do I take a stand? I cant ride the bike without feeling upset anymore. Just looking at it makes me feel betrayed.
I think like Annie said, it depends on the agreement you have with your money. If each of you has your own, he has every right to spend his as he pleases.
My husband and I did ride together in our younger days and we had a lot of fun doing it. Although I did not/would not expect to take part in actually picking out a motorcycle with my husband, I'd regard it a sign of consideration if he, at least, told me he was going to buy a new/different one, even if the money were coming from his own "stash". If he were buying it from a "joint funds" account that paid family bills, I'd definitely expect consultation, because that money is "ours" not his, even if he does know whether we can afford something or not. I'd never go buy a new car without consulting him no matter where the funds came from.
I can't say that I'd let his buying a motorcycle break the relationship, but I'd certainly want to clarify positions before something else came up to add more hard feelings to the situation. Not consulting each other on certain things, including large expenditures could be a sign of disrespect between the 2 of you and should be dealt with.
My husband and I did ride together in our younger days and we had a lot of fun doing it. Although I did not/would not expect to take part in actually picking out a motorcycle with my husband, I'd regard it a sign of consideration if he, at least, told me he was going to buy a new/different one, even if the money were coming from his own "stash". If he were buying it from a "joint funds" account that paid family bills, I'd definitely expect consultation, because that money is "ours" not his, even if he does know whether we can afford something or not. I'd never go buy a new car without consulting him no matter where the funds came from.
I can't say that I'd let his buying a motorcycle break the relationship, but I'd certainly want to clarify positions before something else came up to add more hard feelings to the situation. Not consulting each other on certain things, including large expenditures could be a sign of disrespect between the 2 of you and should be dealt with.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm a little late to the party. I think that being self indulgent in a relationship and not including your partner in a financial decision that is large is wrong. That's just me. That your partner doesn't want to hear how you feel is not a good sign. My husband would kill himself on a motorcycle. You should see him drive a car. I'd be a nervous wreck if he had a motorcycle. No joke. Some men wouldn't make me nervous. Mine would. LOL That is situation dependent. But his reaction to YOUR reaction is not that of a team player. How have things gone since then?
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I was waiting to hear what you had to say.. This forum would not be the same without your, always sage, advice.
Ah, thank you nighthawk! You made me feel good!!
Nighthawk, there is nothing sexier than a man lacing up his boots, putting on those dark sunglasses and straddling that motorcycle. I love riding "b***h"(it is the term used around here!) We have made so many incredible memories on that bike and have seen the beauty of the land. I love the time we spend together.
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Should we all be so lucky right? Glad to hear it D.S.
Without my sobriety i would of never experienced any of this. I am grateful and blessed~
you and me both (and our families extended families and the world at large huh? lol)
I truly believe there's a special place in heaven for those that have ridden together through this life, just as those whose passion is boating, or skiing, etc. I'm sure. Both of your "thing" has been to ride. First his passion and then what became yours. I sure hope your marriage thrives, and I hope to see you both, together on the other side. I hope that this issue can be something you can one day laugh about. Like a proud mama. "he asks my opinion about everything (and hopefully this is the case) .. except when he bought a new ride lol" Sounds like he's the real McCoy - sounds like a typical biker male to me. I'm 57 years and both my late husbands have passed. I'm now with a man, bless his soul, that's never ridden, and God, I miss it. Enjoy the ride as long as you can cuz there's nothing like it in this world. That wind rush is an honor to be invited to do with someone , if you don't have enough passion to buy your own bike and make it happen for yourself. And remember, the reality is, that If you don't want to ride with him, or enjoy his most passionate hobby, somebody else would be happy to join him. How would you feel if you "made your stand" and he replaced you with someone else to bond with , in the wind.?
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And by "honor" i mean that being an "old lady" if that's what this is about for him, is a pretty special place to be. Having someone do all the work, and all you have to do is hang on, trust him to keep to you safe, and see the world with the wind filling your lungs like nothing else on earth, seeing the world standing still while you soar through the air, IS a most special thing. To me anyway - now you have to decide how special that is to you.
I agree with the advice thus far. Thing, is, it's a good thing that you have enjoyed this hobby together. Riding is a lifestyle choice, that you agreed to, Riding is a lifestyle choice that a percentage of people make. Many people base their decisions about risky business like riding, or flying, etc. on the side of caution. Some people choose not to fly anymore because of the possible risk of terrorism and some people believe that going for it and living to enjoy one's life, is more important to them.
It's not like you insisted he not ride a bike or you wouldn't marry him, you were all for the lifestle choice in the past, you accepted the lifestyle choice (granted, when many would not due to the risk) but early on you set the precident that you accepted the choice.
Now you are considering not being involved because he worked and earned a better ride. When you start out, you buy an old used car, and after years of work and sacrifice , you upgrade your automobile, what's difference to you about his upgrading this lifestyle choice / mode of transportation ? With that being said, I think it would have been nice if he had included you in the process of ... not deciding to upgrade his ride, but in being by his side as he chose to upgrade his machine. He probably thought though that by him including you in any way, you would assume that it meant you would have some say in his choice to upgrade his ride. Because of this , and rightfully so, because you've pretty much said you would not have had him upgrade his bike, you were not invited to be part of the process.
I married two husband's that rode and their motorcycle was a big part of who they were. It sounds like you are dealing with this mentality. But what you i think would help you to understand is , that he waited a long time to upgrade to this current model. He's didn't expect anyone else to buy it for him, he worked for it. I know one thing for sure. Had i told either of my two biker husbands that i wouldn't marry them if they bought or rode or upgraded the bike, i wouldn't have been asked to marry them.
Yeah, pick your battles Recognize that you shouldn't make a stand about him fulfilling his lifetime dream of upgrading his ride and probably that it would be better for your marriage, if he felt that he did have the right to make something happen that he's been working for probably since his teens and recognize that instead of thinking you have a right to quash his dream - you should be sad that he didn't feel he could include you in the process.
It's not like you insisted he not ride a bike or you wouldn't marry him, you were all for the lifestle choice in the past, you accepted the lifestyle choice (granted, when many would not due to the risk) but early on you set the precident that you accepted the choice.
Now you are considering not being involved because he worked and earned a better ride. When you start out, you buy an old used car, and after years of work and sacrifice , you upgrade your automobile, what's difference to you about his upgrading this lifestyle choice / mode of transportation ? With that being said, I think it would have been nice if he had included you in the process of ... not deciding to upgrade his ride, but in being by his side as he chose to upgrade his machine. He probably thought though that by him including you in any way, you would assume that it meant you would have some say in his choice to upgrade his ride. Because of this , and rightfully so, because you've pretty much said you would not have had him upgrade his bike, you were not invited to be part of the process.
I married two husband's that rode and their motorcycle was a big part of who they were. It sounds like you are dealing with this mentality. But what you i think would help you to understand is , that he waited a long time to upgrade to this current model. He's didn't expect anyone else to buy it for him, he worked for it. I know one thing for sure. Had i told either of my two biker husbands that i wouldn't marry them if they bought or rode or upgraded the bike, i wouldn't have been asked to marry them.
Yeah, pick your battles Recognize that you shouldn't make a stand about him fulfilling his lifetime dream of upgrading his ride and probably that it would be better for your marriage, if he felt that he did have the right to make something happen that he's been working for probably since his teens and recognize that instead of thinking you have a right to quash his dream - you should be sad that he didn't feel he could include you in the process.
What does "take a stand" mean, "It's me or the motorcycle!!!" ? The would probably not be the best approach to discussing capitol expenditures in a marriage.
What kind of agreement did you make about money before you got married? Is there a "yours, mine and ours" set of accounts? (For example, my husband and I each earn our own money, so we each put a set amount into the household, a set amount into investments and savings, and then use the rest for ourselves without consulting each other.) Is his income the only income in your household? Did you talk about money and how it would be spent, saved or used, before you got married?
If he never promised to consult your opinion on expenditures and obey you if you said not to buy something, your feeling (of betrayal) now is not really that logical. It's not "betrayal" if he didn't promise not to do it. Be mad because you wanted the money for something else, but if all he did was break a wish or a plan in your mind to use the money for something else, that is not actually breaking a promise.
If he is consistently being childish and self-willed about toys and you two are struggling just to pay the rent, I would ask for him and you to go to counseling, to work on the money issue and set up a framework for saving and for talking about big expenses. Money differences are actually a marriage-breaker if not attended to, so get going.
What kind of agreement did you make about money before you got married? Is there a "yours, mine and ours" set of accounts? (For example, my husband and I each earn our own money, so we each put a set amount into the household, a set amount into investments and savings, and then use the rest for ourselves without consulting each other.) Is his income the only income in your household? Did you talk about money and how it would be spent, saved or used, before you got married?
If he never promised to consult your opinion on expenditures and obey you if you said not to buy something, your feeling (of betrayal) now is not really that logical. It's not "betrayal" if he didn't promise not to do it. Be mad because you wanted the money for something else, but if all he did was break a wish or a plan in your mind to use the money for something else, that is not actually breaking a promise.
If he is consistently being childish and self-willed about toys and you two are struggling just to pay the rent, I would ask for him and you to go to counseling, to work on the money issue and set up a framework for saving and for talking about big expenses. Money differences are actually a marriage-breaker if not attended to, so get going.
My husband showed up at my job on a new motorcycle. Earlier that day he left on the old one! I didnt look at it like i should be part of the decision making. He knew what he was doing. He knows our finances. Get on the bike and enjoy the time you get to spend with him. Dont let this come between the 2 of you. When it came to getting a new washer and dryer my hubby knew i would be making the final decision!! You will learn to pick your battles with marriage!!!
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