Should I tell my wife about a crush on one of her coworkers

[CTC166]

I am happily married for the last 16 years. I am in my early 50’s and do love my wife, and the life we share together. Yet somehow, I have become infatuated with one of her co-workers 24 years younger than me. What’s worse is I am suspicious the co-worker knows, or at least suspects, and I feel tremendous guilt about it.

My wife and I work at separate companies, but they are located across the street from each other (just a coincidence). I am often coming and going from my wife’s office for lunch, use the car, etc. Everyone in her office knows who I am, and I get along well with them. My conduct has always been purely professional, even in after hours events, and have been accepted as one of the crew, if you may.

The young woman I have mentioned has been at my wife’s company before she started there. I know she has been in a relationship the entire time, and I have no aspirations or even desire, to be with her in place of my wife. The issue is this young woman is one of the most attractive women I have ever met in my life. I have always in the past made a conscious effort to keep conversations and interactions short and casual, and not to be creepy in staring or leering at her. But I do regularly think about this young woman. Last year, she and I connected via social media, so I see photos and things about her too, but I have never tried to message her, or make any type of outside contact with her. I have never approached her, asked her out, or made any physical or other contact that would be deemed inappropriate. I have never had any contact with her, other than at my wife’s workplace, or outside event that the company was providing, and I am always in the company of my wife.  

Last week, my wife’s company was having a farewell party for someone at a bar down the road from our workplaces. My wife asked if I wanted to go, and I agreed. I actually got there ahead of my wife. She had a call that came up, and actually didn’t get there until 20 minutes after I did. In the meantime, I saw where her coworkers were, and I went over. As I was looking around for our waiter, I noticed the young woman at another part of the bar, talking with another man, not her boyfriend. I have no idea why, but for some reason, I kept looking at her, and who she was with. I made eye contact with her on more than one occasion, but no other recognition. Eventually my wife got there, and I got my focus back. My wife and I hung out for about 30 minutes, then left.

For the next several days, the thoughts of my behavior were forefront in my head. I know my wife suspects nothing, but I was concerned about how the young woman’s opinion of me had changed, if any. About a week later, I decided to try something to see what her reaction would be. The young woman is a notary, and occasionally, she has notarized things for me. I sent her an e-mail asking if I could stop by when I was to have lunch with my wife to have her notarize something. I did not hear back from her, and when I went over at lunch, she was not at her desk, and her car was not in the parking lot. About an hour later, I got an e-mail from her stating she went home sick, and would also be out for a few more days. I told her no problem, I would find another notary. A few minutes later, I needed to go to an appointment. My wife and I drove together that day, and when I crossed the street to her office, I noticed the young woman’s car, parked well away from where she normally parks.

I feel horrible that I am letting another woman occupy my thoughts like this. I’m upset at myself that I’m acting like a love-sick teenager, paranoid and actually concerned about what she thinks of me. When I have a wonderful wife who actually loves and cares about me, and our life we are sharing together. I don’t think the young woman would confront me, or my wife about this, since much of this could be circumstantial, and the burden of proof would be almost impossible to meet. But I am also concerned that any possible office gossip at my wife's company would affect my wife’s relationship with her co-workers. I don’t know if I am looking for advice, or simply getting something off my chest. It's been 3 weeks now since the events above. I have good days and bad ones about my guilt. I do feel I want to take a break from going to her office for lunch, but I know that would raise questions with my wife, that may ultimately force me to tell her about this crush. I am even more concerned because it is affecting my sex life with my wife, and I know that will be something she will want to know what is going on. But I am also afraid admitting to a crush, may lead to her questioning her ability to trust me, or question if we should still be together. I know affairs and infidelity (physical or emotional) are very much deal breakers, and forgiveness and recovery are rare, and often incomplete. I'm just not sure if I can fix this on my own. I do want to. I am considering seeking counseling before I speak to my wife.

[dominosarah]

I think you are going thru that mid life thing.  You said you were 54 and she was 24 yrs younger.  I see people all the time like that.  All it does is stroke your ego for a fleeting moment.  I am 56 and i have been in your shoes only i reacted to the situation.  It destroys you, your relationship and both families.  Fantasy and reality are 2 different things.  Dont let a pretty face destroy everything you have.

[specialmom]

Exactly what happened to my dad.  Sigh.

[AnnieBrooke]

I might add to what I said above, mostly the impulse to confess is that you are weary of carrying the burden of guilt all alone, and want to share the load, so you won't have to soldier on in angst any more. Tell it to the therapist, the collateral damage if you dump it on your wife will ruin everything you have and break her heart.

[RockRose]

I agree with the others and have to say,  emphatically,  DON'T EVER MENTION THIS TO YOUR WIFE!!  This will fade,  even if it takes another couple years.  Ride it out.  

[Nighthawk61]

I have to ask, why in God's green acres, would you EVER consider telling your wife?

[Nighthawk61]

Is there any reason why you would choose to want to break her up into pieces for the rest of her natural life?

[Nighthawk61]

Ditto on the good advice you've been given. Take it to your grave, and talk to a therapist if you need any further help with doing away with this obsession. And yes, take the energy and put it towards your marriage, i believe that I, too, would pick up on the eye contact, etc. you're talking about so please do whatever it takes to end this dangerous obsession.

[specialmom]

So, I didn't read all of your post as it is sort of an epic tome but in brief, NO.  Take it to your grave.  And refocus ALL energy on your wife.  Minimize your ability to see or be around this woman.  I'll tell you that I know my husband well and if he had big eyes for someone else around me, I'd pick up on it in 2 seconds flat.  So, maybe on some level your wife knows but if you tell her---  it's giving into fantasy---  and will damage your relationship forever.  Anyone can have an affair.  Strong people stay strong and committed.  So, be strong and set this on a dusty shelf somewhere in your head.   And take your wife on a vacation or something.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

I know it can be a sad feeling to have unrequited attraction. People (even in good relationships) do sometimes feel attractions, it's kind of normal. But it is also what they do about them that matters. In your case, you have toed the line as much as you were able. But your attentiveness risks a mess on a lot of fronts -- your relationship with your wife, frostiness between the two of them causing difficulties with your wife's job, the gosssipy ladies at her work who have probably noticed your interest in the young woman. If you ever were to act on it (and if she was interested, which I'm not sure it sounds like she is), there would be only a terrible amount of destruction to come. I can see why you have stayed strictly away, except for all the eye contact at the bar. Apparently you are mostly concerned that the young woman noticed your eyeing her and found it creepy? Maybe. This is an even better reason to stay far away.

Yes, do see a counselor, and look into why you find her so irresistible even with your wife standing right there. What is missing in life for you now? And no, don't tell your wife this is troubling you. It's the depth of your attraction and your distress that would hurt her, not like if you had just mentioned that you thought the young woman was cute one time. If you were told your wife was pining for someone at work and thinking about him all the time, but wasn't going to do anything about it, would that in any way make you feel better? I didn't think so. See if you can work it out with the counselor and come to some resolution.