I am deeply in love with another man

[nicoletta131]

Dear readers,
I am so glad I found this forum and I hope some of you will be honest and kind to give me some pieces of advice in this desperate situation.
I have been married to my husband for about one year, we have been together for 4 years before that. He is the world's sweetest person, but I have never felt a strong sexual attraction towards him, neither have I ever felt "crazy" in love with him. But I am deeply fond of him and I praise him for being really good to me. We have a strong bond and are good partners, although I sometimes feels it's very practical. And he has always been the one who has been crazy about me, not the othe way.

Due to some changes in my life I have become aware of some things in our marriage that do not work properly and that I am not able to change. For example the fact that early in our relationship I came into a pattern of allowing him to have sex with me without me having actually desired this. This has lasted for all our relationship. We are also very different as persons; I am very free as an individual, creative and free-spirited and deeply passionate. He, on the other hand, is more tranquil and practical. Often I also feel that between us there is no "click".

Some months ago I met another man that blew my off my feet. I am a highly moral person and I never even considered looking at other men. Nevertheless, this person caught my attention and I have never ever felt so attracted to a person in my whole life. It was like everything was perfect; we fit like a hand in a glove in every way. He really makes me shine and he loves the deepest parts of me. I feel so relaxed and well with him. I am deeply in love with him and for the first time in my life I have found something that I instinctly fell that I want to be father of my children. Totally incredible. I want to make a life change and live with this other person. I would leave everything in this instant to live in total love with him for the rest of my days. It's like nothing else matters. But my husband is the world's sweetest and the last thing I want to do it hurt him. On the other hand I do not feel that I can really love him. Now I feel that I never really did... Because this new guy totallt woke me up and showed me what love is.
What can I do? I want all the best for my husband. But I want to be happy as well.
I appreciate your honest answers. Thank you so much.

[Mookie36]

Wow, ladies I have been with my husband for 22yrs and married only 2yrs. I have always bein faithfully to our relationship. I found out he was cheating on me when i was pregnant with our last child which is 8 now, but i for gave him and made it work but he put a bad feeling in my heart. I worked at a plasma center for three yrs as a lab tech where i met a donor whom got on my last nerves, but he never gave up but i eventually gave in. The lunches the text the ling talks, gifts just because. It was marbles. But we started getting closer sexually.I need advice ladies i love my husband, but in love with someone else....

[Cawolfdreamz]

I am in a similar situation... My husband and I are high school sweethearts and the one and only man I have slept with. I was raised in a very religious family. Well 6 years ago a friend of mine from high school found me on fb. I called and SHE told me that she has always had a crush on me and thinks of me all the time. I had never even thought of being with a woman ever. She came to visit and it was love at first sight! I never knew that you really do get weak in the knees and your body feels like electricity is flowing in through your body! I was embarassed and acted weird and cleaned my phone a million times. I just didnt know what to do! I would never cheat on my husband but I was so so attracted to her! So she went back to NE and I was in CA and we blew up the phone lines to the point of killing the battery on a phone n having to switch to another. So she n I start talking about sexual things on many of the conversations we have over the next 6 months. She calls me and says she is coming to town to help her mom whi just has hip surgery. She says " I asked my husband and he said I could sleep with you what do u think ur husband will say?" I replied " I dont know ask him." She gets on speaker phone with me n my husband and say can I sleep with your wife? My husband says sure if she wants to. So I take the week she is here off. That friday we go out to dinner with a group of friends. Her and I step out to smoke. I get up the nerves to kiss her. I do but then jump back cause I think thid is all a joke n she is gonna punch me! She says Can you come back and do that right! So the next day we sleep together! I have never felt so amazing but then I also felt guilty and ashamed! I am a christian and raised that this was wrong. But she loves me like no one else can, she gets me, she makes me feel good about me! So she went home to NE and her n her husband have a huge falling out it gets physical so she books a plane to CA. So she is now living in CA. We are now a triad! My husband has 2 wives and I have a husband n a wife! My husband is the coolest man to let her into our relationship! We have now been a triad for 6 years! I have never been happier! She lit a fire in out relationship, she was the gasoline we needed to live a more happy, fun, sexual life! So I still dont know what label to place on me for seld idenity purposes???? Am I am lesbian, am I bisexual, or am I just a sinner gonna burn in hell? I am totally head over hills in love with her and still love my husband very much! They are my first and my loves! So maybe comprimise could be the answer to any of these issues! Comunicate your needs to your partner and you might just be surprised at what love will do to keep love alive! 3somes arent for everyone but it can be very rewarding if ground rules are set and its communicated as to was is ok and what is not for all parties involved! I still sometimes lay awake at night spooned with them both and wonder how did I get so lucky as to have 2 loves and to be happy with it! My mom has bisowned me and calls me names and tells me I am burning in hell! My brother said I always thought you were gay??? My husbands paents wont let us in their home cause we are living a life against their beliefs so they cant have it in their home! My boss tried to firer me after finding out! So this hasnt been easy but I want, need , have to have them in my life my wife and husband make me complete!

[Nighthawk61]

If any ladies would like to have comments on what you've written here of your own situation, please open your own post. The reason is that it is too hard for anyone commenting to go through a multi post such as this and keep track of those they are trying to support. I'm looking forward to seeing and commenting on your own posts!!!

[Sigle]

Ive been married 28 yrs and fighting to communicate and understand him for 20 of them. I also sell in love with another man. Im leaving.
Dont do what I did and hang on to the wrong thing. I regret wasting so much of my life fighting for love. Love shouldnt be that hard.

[specialmom]

This is an old post.  Please begin your own thread.  thank you

[clarkvn]

I am going through this too. The problem is that I have been married 28  years this month. He has, over the years been somewhat harsh with me and little by little my love has eroded. He is still very good to me though. And in fact has gotten better since I have changed. My change came due to the fact that a man from my past... actually my first love when I was 13 came to town to find me telling me he has always thought of me. He is married to, but in a toxic situation. We are very much in love. I have never felt this happy. I have never felt love for anyone like I do with him. I am not a kid and this doesn't feel like mid life crisis. Before he came along I was living a life of quiet desperation. Not happy, not sad. Just existing. I need to put this out there for anyone to read and see if you have any insights. My new found love loves 1000 miles away and is coming to see his mom and me because we live in the same town once of month. We talk, FB and keep in touch daily. I didn't really realize that I didn't love my husband until my love came along. Any thoughts are welcome. My main and only problem is this: not wanting to hurt my husband and not wanting to do something wrong. But I also do not want to continue living what I feel is a lie. I would like to experience happiness for a period in the lifetime.

[knkalways]

Wow!! This sounds a lot like something I am going thru too. I have been with my husband for over 27 years (married 26) but my husband had started using heroin and this also led him to begin using meth. His behavior had been so all over the place. I would question him and then be lied to over and over.  When I would con front him about it I was met with so much anger and cussing that I just wanted to flee as fast as I could. I accepted a job in NM last year that got me away from the drama I was in. I left OR to begin OUR life in NM first and he would follow shortly after. We settled into our life here in NM but he was not happy.  He never led on he was not either. I recently got in touch with my old high school sweetheart and we began talking, but before I began talking to him I need to back up a little.  We went back to OR because our daughter had just finished her nursing school and was graduating. He had gotten mixed up with the same people he had used with and fell.  He used again. Again when I confronted him I was met with anger and we fought most of the rest of our trip.  He did not confess his using instead he told me he hated living in NM and did not want to come back.  And if I didn't trust him then we had nothing.  At this point I realized I no longer did trust him and did not want anything more from him. I am now ready to be done with this marriage because I can no longer trust in him. I then began talking to my high school sweetheart and I am back in love all over again with MY 1ST LOVE. I have always loved him and never stopped.  I had good years with my husband but his addictions not only destroyed him but also our marriage.

[Elvis1]

Your making a mistake, this is temporary happiness. Get things right for your sake and your husbands. You married him, stick to your vows, think about why your husband and why your with him. Thick and thru thin. So it's not that gitty, lovey dovey of yesteryear. It is a midlife issue. You so have timed your husband out that's all you can think about is your old boyfriend. Remember why he's your old boyfriend to. Stop before you go to far. You want love, you have to give love.

[JGEld]

Wow, that's a tough one.  I've been married 16 years as well & my husband had an "emotional thing" with another woman about 10 years ago.  Sadly, I was never a big enough or gracious enough person to really get past it.  I left him for a year but chose to enter back into the relationship more as a partnership arrangement knowing that we could better parent & provide for our children together than apart. He had a major medical incident a few years ago that allowed me to see my life without him again for which I carry endless guilt. I have grown to truly love him in ways that are deep & kind as family but there has never really been that feeling of being in love with him since.  He has my loyalty and gratitude for being a wonderful partner, husband & father but it is endlessly lonely for me.
I think if I had to do it over again in you situation, I would find a way to graciously build your own new life, while financially/medically supporting your wife so you don't get weighed down by guilt for not giving her the chance to explain herself & abandoning her while she is so vulnerable medically.  I don't know if that helps but you are not alone.

[Cdk24]

I'm in exactly the same situation. Been with my husband 11 years too. You sound just like me. We started off as just good friends, and I began confiding in him about how unhappy I was in my marriage. The first time I saw him i knew I was in trouble. Of course people arnt going to cheat if they are in a stable happy relationship, considering they are self actualized themsevles. We were in a co-ed fit club,and ended up really hitting it off.It felt really amazing,we both realized how much alike that we are. We fit together liken two puzzle pieces. My life's been completely rearranged because of him, (In all good healing ways). We've known each other now over four years, and it breaks our hearts that we cannot be together right now. We have been able to We basically try to leave each other alone, but we can't stay away very long. Our hearts won't stop being in love. I know now that we don't choose who we fall into love with. Things kept heating up regardless of the circstances. But weve been able to wait for sex, and I had quit sleeping with my husband, so I've been completely celibate the whole time.  7 months ago my lover made a commitment to get a house for us,and recently told me that he loves me... i finally asked my husband for a seperation. We are both recovering from hardships, and neither of us has a way too move me out yet. Its a very difficult situation I have put myself and these men in...ughh I also recently figured out he is in some kind of affair with his coworker.. probably for years. So we both realized were interested and pursuing other people, and were not mad...we've forgiven each other. So idk what's going to happen, but I feel like its fate or destiny's choice now. Leaving it up to God, because I don't have any control over this love... I know I'll always be in love with this man just because of the impact he's had on my life and the amazing connection we share.Good luck