I had an affair

[Stressgirl]

I don't know what to do.  I have been married for 12 years.  I recently had an affair that lasted over 3 years.  I feel so guilty.  My husband does not know about it, but suspected here and there.  I always said if he had an affair I didn't want to know about it because what good would that do me except just hurt me.  I think he has adopted that attitude also because I think he "knows" but doesn't want to believe it so he doesn't.  The problem is I just can't hardly live with this guilt.  It is eating me up.  I hate that I did it.  I still think of the other man everyday.  I still love and miss him.  Its been 8 months since I had sex with this other guy. I know I need to just not think about it and go on living my life, but this consumes my thoughts every day.  I worry constantly that my husband will find out.  He will be devasted.  It makes me hate myself.  I want to run away.  Plese don't ever get involved in anything like this.  I just don't know what to do. I feel like I should just go ahead and get a divorce before he finds out because I can't live this way.  If not for my affair I think our relationship would be ok.

I know that no one here can really help me.  I guess I just needed to release.

[Judy246]

Also, another option is to talk with your husband regarding the issues in your marriage. Communicate what is making you unhappy and suggest that he attends a marriage counselor to sort out your problems and get to the root of the problems. You can save your marriage and by have an affair, it has only made matters worse, because your conscience is bothering you to the point where it is becoming emotionally debilitating and it will affect all other aspects of your life. Your marriage is salvageable, but get to the real issue of the problem and you can put all this behind you. Best wishes....

[heatherlynn22]

why did you cheat on your husband in the first place? it's always best to come clean. take the consequence of your actions. even if that means a divorce. you'll feel better and he won't be in agony over if you did or didn't. eventually he'll find out and what happens will be worse. maybe now if you confess than you can possibly do marriage counseling.vb            

[j7653]

I listened to a podcast about this very subject yesterday.  First I want to say that I do not think that cheating is right, moral, etc...  but you already know that.

Everyone will probably jump on me for saying this, but at this point I think you need to weigh the options of which will do more harm...  Keeping the secret (and NOT cheating anymore), or telling your husband and ruining his life, your life, your childrens lives, etc....

At this point since he does not really "know", you are only ruining your life. Perhaps that is the cross you have to bare.

Personally I would not tell him.  I would get therapy so that you can understand why you did it, learn from your terrible mistake, and work to make your relationship as good as it can be.

[vmvnpv]

You are not being fair to your husband.  You cheated on him and you still love and miss the guy you had an affair with.  Your husband deserves much better than what you have given him.  You need to tell him and then separate.  You can't go on in a marriage when you love someone else.

[vmvnpv]

BTW~counseling won't help for the simple fact you love the other guy.  How is a marriage going to work when you aren't going to put forth 100% to make it work?

[iam1butterfly]

I know that the guilt is gnawing at you.
Maybe, reflecting on the past affair is punishment enough. Understand why it happened; learn from any insights about yourself and your marriage that you may have gained from it; and don't do it again.
But, I think that you should stop beating yourself up over it.
Oh, and I see nothing productive coming from telling your husband...
sure, it'll get the secret out in the open and release some of the anxiety and tension that you've been holding in all this time... but, imagine the collateral damage and fall-out that will ensue as a result. It could devastate him.