BTW~counseling won't help for the simple fact you love the other guy. How is a marriage going to work when you aren't going to put forth 100% to make it work?
You are not being fair to your husband. You cheated on him and you still love and miss the guy you had an affair with. Your husband deserves much better than what you have given him. You need to tell him and then separate. You can't go on in a marriage when you love someone else.
I listened to a podcast about this very subject yesterday. First I want to say that I do not think that cheating is right, moral, etc... but you already know that.
Everyone will probably jump on me for saying this, but at this point I think you need to weigh the options of which will do more harm... Keeping the secret (and NOT cheating anymore), or telling your husband and ruining his life, your life, your childrens lives, etc....
At this point since he does not really "know", you are only ruining your life. Perhaps that is the cross you have to bare.
Personally I would not tell him. I would get therapy so that you can understand why you did it, learn from your terrible mistake, and work to make your relationship as good as it can be.
why did you cheat on your husband in the first place? it's always best to come clean. take the consequence of your actions. even if that means a divorce. you'll feel better and he won't be in agony over if you did or didn't. eventually he'll find out and what happens will be worse. maybe now if you confess than you can possibly do marriage counseling.vb
Also, another option is to talk with your husband regarding the issues in your marriage. Communicate what is making you unhappy and suggest that he attends a marriage counselor to sort out your problems and get to the root of the problems. You can save your marriage and by have an affair, it has only made matters worse, because your conscience is bothering you to the point where it is becoming emotionally debilitating and it will affect all other aspects of your life. Your marriage is salvageable, but get to the real issue of the problem and you can put all this behind you. Best wishes....
What made you have an affair in the first place? You said if not for the affair, you think your marriage would be ok? Then why do that to your husband and yourself? The guilt will continue to eat you up. Talking with someone (professional) may help. Maybe some couples counseling too. There was a reason behind the affair that needs to be addressed so it doesn't happen again.
What made you decide to stop seeing the other guy? 3 years is a really long time and obviously there are (or were) feelings involved, so what made it stop?