I had an affair

[Stressgirl]

I don't know what to do.  I have been married for 12 years.  I recently had an affair that lasted over 3 years.  I feel so guilty.  My husband does not know about it, but suspected here and there.  I always said if he had an affair I didn't want to know about it because what good would that do me except just hurt me.  I think he has adopted that attitude also because I think he "knows" but doesn't want to believe it so he doesn't.  The problem is I just can't hardly live with this guilt.  It is eating me up.  I hate that I did it.  I still think of the other man everyday.  I still love and miss him.  Its been 8 months since I had sex with this other guy. I know I need to just not think about it and go on living my life, but this consumes my thoughts every day.  I worry constantly that my husband will find out.  He will be devasted.  It makes me hate myself.  I want to run away.  Plese don't ever get involved in anything like this.  I just don't know what to do. I feel like I should just go ahead and get a divorce before he finds out because I can't live this way.  If not for my affair I think our relationship would be ok.

I know that no one here can really help me.  I guess I just needed to release.

[vmvnpv]

Have you guys all missed the point that she's still IN LOVE with the other man?!  She thinks about the other man EVERY DAY!  No where in her post does it say she wants to make her marriage work!  What she's WORRIED about is her husband finding out!  In fact, she wants to divorce him before he finds out......which I think she needs to do AFTER she tells her husband.  He has the right to know and he has the right to be happy with someone else.

[jo929]

Maybe i came down to hard on you, but i have been thinking there is more here than meets the eye, you do not just have an affair for no reason, and i think.you may be holding back the true reason, either way i wish you luck and peace    jo

[megochick101]

If you still love and miss the man you had a 3 year affair with then why the heck are you still with your husband? I'm not even going to go into how wrong cheating is because everyone has already said it.

Basically it is up to you to tell your husband but i personally think that you shouldn't just so that you can live with the guilt because you deserve to live with the guilt for breaking your vows in the first place. Also then he won't be affected with thoughts of why you did it and if he was lacking something in him to make you do it.

I can't believe i am saying this because i hold marriage vows very seriously and hate divorce, but you need to divorce your husband. You are obviously not committed to your husband and obviously do not love him if you claim to still love and miss the man you had an affair with and it's not fair to your husband for you to tag him along when you are not putting 100% into the relationship.

And get therapy to either figure out why you felt the need to cheat in the first place and to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

[AnnieBrooke]

I disagree on the issue of telling the husband, if the wife has left the affair and wants to stay in the marriage.  It will ease her guilt at the huge cost of destroying his life.  I'd try counseling (solo) first, and talk it all out with a dispassionate professional.  Then decide what road to take.  

[Boogie8481]

Hi, I feel your pain, but you need to tell him.  I know it sounds awful to do so but you are married and you must come clean and try to work it out.  If not, you will be thinking about it all the time.  The guilt will make you into an angry or depressed person.  Its only fair to tell him.  Mistakes happen, and he can either forgive you and leave.  Sometimes these types of things make a relationship stronger because it make the couple resolve problems that they didn't know were there.  I would say that there was some specific reason you had this affair, but you have not disclosed that.  If you know why you did, explore that and try to figure out why you did it and try to explain to your husband what happened.  He will be upset, devastated, angry, hurt, jealous, all these things, but you have to suck it up and except it as it comes.  If you do still love this other man, stop wasting your husbands time and leave him.  If you love your husband and want to work it out, then tell him...please because the lie and deceit is what hurts the most.  Think about it.  Keeping it from him makes your marriage basically a sham because you have not kept your vows and you made this mistake.  Don't torture yourself or him any longer.

[iam1butterfly]

I know that the guilt is gnawing at you.
Maybe, reflecting on the past affair is punishment enough. Understand why it happened; learn from any insights about yourself and your marriage that you may have gained from it; and don't do it again.
But, I think that you should stop beating yourself up over it.
Oh, and I see nothing productive coming from telling your husband...
sure, it'll get the secret out in the open and release some of the anxiety and tension that you've been holding in all this time... but, imagine the collateral damage and fall-out that will ensue as a result. It could devastate him.