Aa
Lost!
I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. To make a long story short the first year of our relationship was hell. The first six months were great. We moved in and all hell broke loose! Everything from, daily arguments, accusations of infedelity, alcohol abuse, to verbal abuse, emotional abuse, until finally on one of his drunk nights he hit me. I called the police and he was arrested. (when I met him he was already on probation for some dumb thing he did years before. He hadnt had any problems since and was doing well, good job, shared an apartment, paid his bills, seemed all was well)
This is where it gets Deep? They let him out the night after he was arrested with a court date to return and meet with the board of probation. There was about a 30 ady wait for his hearing he aws supposed to enroll in a Domestic Violence Program and a Substance Abuse Program for Alcohol abuse. During this wait he lost his mind, he nothing he was required to do. Instead he was drinking heavily and on the streets, he lost his job again and was at rock bottom. All because we not living together, beacsue he wanted to be with me, he couldnt understand and fell into a massive depression.
When I found this out I went looking for him. Found him in the worst state. I brought him home. We talked and talked and well nature took it's course. He spent a few days and turned himself in because by this point he had missed his court date and a warrant for his arrest was issued. He went to prison on a violation of probation for 3 mo. Not because I pressed charges, because I did I dropped all the charges. If he would have been sober he would not have done it. His being drunk scared me. And I had never seen him that way. People make mistakes. I went to see him when he was in prison and posted funds into his account so he can get whatever he needed and call me. It wasnt much just what I could. We decided we could work things out when he came out in the 90 days he had a lil job waiting and we were going to work things out.
All this happened a year ago. And here comes the b*^$#%@t. When we were broke up and he was drinking he slept with a prostitute. I found all this out after a check up at the doctors due to a rash and I turned up positive for HSV2.
I broke up with him and put him out, but, I am very confused because I love him, I miss him so much but I cant, I am so confused. All this happened a year ago he hasnt been drinking and he got a job and all was going well, why did this happen? He was defensive at first and tried to say it was me but he then told me the truth about the hooker. I havent slept with any body but him in the last 3 almost four years, I was abstinent when we met. What do I do does anybody think there's anything worth salvage here? I am afraid he will start drinking again and it will be too late I dont want to go through that again.
This is where it gets Deep? They let him out the night after he was arrested with a court date to return and meet with the board of probation. There was about a 30 ady wait for his hearing he aws supposed to enroll in a Domestic Violence Program and a Substance Abuse Program for Alcohol abuse. During this wait he lost his mind, he nothing he was required to do. Instead he was drinking heavily and on the streets, he lost his job again and was at rock bottom. All because we not living together, beacsue he wanted to be with me, he couldnt understand and fell into a massive depression.
When I found this out I went looking for him. Found him in the worst state. I brought him home. We talked and talked and well nature took it's course. He spent a few days and turned himself in because by this point he had missed his court date and a warrant for his arrest was issued. He went to prison on a violation of probation for 3 mo. Not because I pressed charges, because I did I dropped all the charges. If he would have been sober he would not have done it. His being drunk scared me. And I had never seen him that way. People make mistakes. I went to see him when he was in prison and posted funds into his account so he can get whatever he needed and call me. It wasnt much just what I could. We decided we could work things out when he came out in the 90 days he had a lil job waiting and we were going to work things out.
All this happened a year ago. And here comes the b*^$#%@t. When we were broke up and he was drinking he slept with a prostitute. I found all this out after a check up at the doctors due to a rash and I turned up positive for HSV2.
I broke up with him and put him out, but, I am very confused because I love him, I miss him so much but I cant, I am so confused. All this happened a year ago he hasnt been drinking and he got a job and all was going well, why did this happen? He was defensive at first and tried to say it was me but he then told me the truth about the hooker. I havent slept with any body but him in the last 3 almost four years, I was abstinent when we met. What do I do does anybody think there's anything worth salvage here? I am afraid he will start drinking again and it will be too late I dont want to go through that again.
Clear that head and think more of yourself please do not let him drag you any farther, get your self esteem back you are somebody, and do not forget it, if you let someone walk all over you once they will do it again I think you can do it so head up and move on do not let him think he is so important that he affects your life if you do you are playing the victim and he is winniing luck jo
Look closely at the sentence they wrote to define the word Co-dep. They used me as an example. LOL Your friend, she will be fine I am sure. I think in situations like this having someone who knows the problem and who can put the brakes on you when needed is a must. She is blessed with a friend like you by her side.
I answered yes to most of the questions on your post (I too read that site) Especially one question I did not read on your post.
Have you completely elliminated the word NO from your vocabulary?
I have. I am in a financial bind right now... have'nt been able to clear my bills in the last two months. Therefore, I too have become depressed, I dont sleep, eat, or do much these days. I have no energy and feel tired all the time. The thing I seem to do most thees days is cry.
I've missed work a few times and things arent the best there either... I am really behind. I realized all this even boils over to my job, all I hear is we can always count on you to do... We are all professionals but no one says or thinks much of my inability to say NO because they have less to do, thanks to me. Thus I end up overwhelmed, the first one in and the last one out.
I realized this is the root of all my problems. I have scheduled an appointment, too bad it's not until December, but in the intrum I will attend some Co-DA meetings I found in my area, starting tonight.
I must admit, I was a little skeptical to write what was going on in my head, but I am so glad I did.
Thank You again.
I answered yes to most of the questions on your post (I too read that site) Especially one question I did not read on your post.
Have you completely elliminated the word NO from your vocabulary?
I have. I am in a financial bind right now... have'nt been able to clear my bills in the last two months. Therefore, I too have become depressed, I dont sleep, eat, or do much these days. I have no energy and feel tired all the time. The thing I seem to do most thees days is cry.
I've missed work a few times and things arent the best there either... I am really behind. I realized all this even boils over to my job, all I hear is we can always count on you to do... We are all professionals but no one says or thinks much of my inability to say NO because they have less to do, thanks to me. Thus I end up overwhelmed, the first one in and the last one out.
I realized this is the root of all my problems. I have scheduled an appointment, too bad it's not until December, but in the intrum I will attend some Co-DA meetings I found in my area, starting tonight.
I must admit, I was a little skeptical to write what was going on in my head, but I am so glad I did.
Thank You again.
catie207
Maybe this will help you understand that co-dependant people are really real people. They usually do not get their own needs met due to the fact that they are too busy rescuing others. They get into relationships where they are always the one doing the giving with little receiving. It is not fair to always have to be the only one to forgive and forget. It usually doesn't work both ways in a co-dependant relationship. It is very important to realize if they have this kind of issue so they can get help and choose healthy relationships. There is a big difference between two people working out their problems, staying together and a person being the victim over and over again. Hope that helps you understand that labeling an issue is not condemning a person. People can overcome this problem and they are alot happier when they do.
Here are a few questions that can help people decide if they might need to seek further help. (copied from a website)
Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?
Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?
Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?
Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?
Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?
Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?
Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?
MOM_IN_NY
A very good friend of mine should be in the dictionary under co-dependant. I have to remind her all the time, what about you? She will give you her last dime not knowing how she will pay her bills. Her heart is so big, she gives and gives, and every once in awhile she gets really depressed. She is getting better slowly but it is good to see her improving. I am so glad that you have an open mind, you will be able to get over this.
Maybe this will help you understand that co-dependant people are really real people. They usually do not get their own needs met due to the fact that they are too busy rescuing others. They get into relationships where they are always the one doing the giving with little receiving. It is not fair to always have to be the only one to forgive and forget. It usually doesn't work both ways in a co-dependant relationship. It is very important to realize if they have this kind of issue so they can get help and choose healthy relationships. There is a big difference between two people working out their problems, staying together and a person being the victim over and over again. Hope that helps you understand that labeling an issue is not condemning a person. People can overcome this problem and they are alot happier when they do.
Here are a few questions that can help people decide if they might need to seek further help. (copied from a website)
Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?
Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?
Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?
Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?
Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?
Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?
Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?
MOM_IN_NY
A very good friend of mine should be in the dictionary under co-dependant. I have to remind her all the time, what about you? She will give you her last dime not knowing how she will pay her bills. Her heart is so big, she gives and gives, and every once in awhile she gets really depressed. She is getting better slowly but it is good to see her improving. I am so glad that you have an open mind, you will be able to get over this.
I have been reading on Co-Dep. and I might be a little. momagain59 is not that far fetched with her response to my post.
But yet I see where you are comming from. See I am a caring perosn natuturally I will bend over backwards to help those I love like momagain59 said helthy people dont go to certain extents. See I have realized with all this I dont want to be needed but I need to be wanted. So thus all of my gullability just spills all over my life. See my family does not call me like regular siblings would. Hey! how ya doin? nope, it's usually do Hey listen I got a problem. I need this, can you help me with that? And I will slap the S on my shirt and get to it.
But when it comes to my problems, dilemas, etc. I have no one. I deal with them on my own. I never reach out to no one because even if they have had a similiar problem they will later shove it in your face and make you feel like Cr@p. Until the next time they need help and subconciously I see it as a way to make up.
Wow, see the more I say the more I realize.
See, Catie207 so I understand your point you are so right in some cases things will be labeled to Co-Dep. But in my case I think it's right on the money. I need to stop doing for others and begin doing for myself. I know it's going to be a little difficult like I said before because of the field I am in but I need to learn to separate the two.
Thanks Catie207 for your response
But yet I see where you are comming from. See I am a caring perosn natuturally I will bend over backwards to help those I love like momagain59 said helthy people dont go to certain extents. See I have realized with all this I dont want to be needed but I need to be wanted. So thus all of my gullability just spills all over my life. See my family does not call me like regular siblings would. Hey! how ya doin? nope, it's usually do Hey listen I got a problem. I need this, can you help me with that? And I will slap the S on my shirt and get to it.
But when it comes to my problems, dilemas, etc. I have no one. I deal with them on my own. I never reach out to no one because even if they have had a similiar problem they will later shove it in your face and make you feel like Cr@p. Until the next time they need help and subconciously I see it as a way to make up.
Wow, see the more I say the more I realize.
See, Catie207 so I understand your point you are so right in some cases things will be labeled to Co-Dep. But in my case I think it's right on the money. I need to stop doing for others and begin doing for myself. I know it's going to be a little difficult like I said before because of the field I am in but I need to learn to separate the two.
Thanks Catie207 for your response
No, no, no. You did not hurt my feelings. What you DID was give it to me straight up. I kind of needed that. You are so right in so many ways and all I can do right now is... THINK. Think about what I want for myself and my children. I do want to be in love, I want to love and be loved but I NEED to be happy. I cant do any of the above without being happy what is the point of loving someone but yet you are not happy.
Thank You
Thank You
"I just wish things could be different. This was supposed to be it... You know... the man I spend the rest of my life with. My kids is what I keep thinking about. I have exposed them to care and love someone other than their father. What a mistake. All I wanted was to love and be loved. I got more than I bargained for new scars to my womanhood and HSV2. Who'll have me now????"
Wow, this is so sad when you put it this way. I was only trying to answer your question as to whether or not you should stay with him. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. I still don't think you should have to settle for this.
As far as your kids go, you did not do anything to hurt them on purpose. You only did what you thought was right at the time. You do deserve to love and to be loved. That fact has not changed. I am sure that your kids love you and want to see you happy. I know they don't want you to be with someone that treats you like this.
As far as having HPV2, I am sure that there are many other people with the same issue. Maybe you could ask for advice on the sexual forum. I would read up on it as much as I could to learn how to prevent outbreaks and how to not to pass it on. Your life definately is not over.
Keep your head up, pray to God, and love your children.
Wow, this is so sad when you put it this way. I was only trying to answer your question as to whether or not you should stay with him. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. I still don't think you should have to settle for this.
As far as your kids go, you did not do anything to hurt them on purpose. You only did what you thought was right at the time. You do deserve to love and to be loved. That fact has not changed. I am sure that your kids love you and want to see you happy. I know they don't want you to be with someone that treats you like this.
As far as having HPV2, I am sure that there are many other people with the same issue. Maybe you could ask for advice on the sexual forum. I would read up on it as much as I could to learn how to prevent outbreaks and how to not to pass it on. Your life definately is not over.
Keep your head up, pray to God, and love your children.
I laid the whole story out and after I did... I saw the same things you saw. I should know better. I am in the field of social services and recognized lots of the things you pointed out. It's a different ball game when it's YOU it's happening to. You cant self therapy. Codependent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said it loud and clear, I have already done the alanon group thing and like I said I should know better. But I will be seeking help with the Co-Depend. I am comletely aware that I am by far the same person I was 2 years ago. I lack motivation, self esteem, and confidence.
Thank you for your reply on my situation. Your advice is greatly appreciated and will be considered. But I am going to admit. This is not going to be easy for me to get out of. I married young and had an ugly divorce before this so called relationship. I had a great marrige for 11 years and it all came to an end really quickly due to him getting his mistress pregnant. I was alone just me and the kids for 3 years.
I do love this man beacuse I know him without the alcohol. I am hurt right now. But like all feelings... it shall pass. I am afraid I am becoming depressed. I sleep a lot and have no appetite, I care about very little.
I just need a friend right now. Someone to talk to who wont be so judgmental and will keep an open mind. I just wish things could be different. This was supposed to be it... You know... the man I spend the rest of my life with. My kids is what I keep thinking about. I have exposed them to care and love someone other than their father. What a mistake. All I wanted was to love and be loved. I got more than I bargained for new scars to my womanhood and HSV2. Who'll have me now????
Thank you for your reply on my situation. Your advice is greatly appreciated and will be considered. But I am going to admit. This is not going to be easy for me to get out of. I married young and had an ugly divorce before this so called relationship. I had a great marrige for 11 years and it all came to an end really quickly due to him getting his mistress pregnant. I was alone just me and the kids for 3 years.
I do love this man beacuse I know him without the alcohol. I am hurt right now. But like all feelings... it shall pass. I am afraid I am becoming depressed. I sleep a lot and have no appetite, I care about very little.
I just need a friend right now. Someone to talk to who wont be so judgmental and will keep an open mind. I just wish things could be different. This was supposed to be it... You know... the man I spend the rest of my life with. My kids is what I keep thinking about. I have exposed them to care and love someone other than their father. What a mistake. All I wanted was to love and be loved. I got more than I bargained for new scars to my womanhood and HSV2. Who'll have me now????
Here is a list of many good reasons to forget this guy.
relationship was hell
daily arguments
accusations of infedelity
alcohol abuse
verbal abuse
emotional abuse
drunk nights
he hit me
went to prison
on probation
he was arrested
missed his court date
he was drinking he slept with a prostitute
positive for HSV2
"During this wait he lost his mind, he nothing he was required to do. Instead he was drinking heavily and on the streets, he lost his job again and was at rock bottom. All because we not living together, beacsue he wanted to be with me, he couldnt understand and fell into a massive depression."
An alcoholic is always looking for an excuse to drink. It was not your fault he chose to drink and do all of the things he did that caused you to leave him in the first place. Don't buy that cr@p.
"When I found this out I went looking for him. Found him in the worst state. I brought him home."
This is something healthy people do to cats and dogs, not men.
"What do I do does anybody think there's anything worth salvage here?"
No, I hate to see you waste anymore time unless you are willing to be hurt over and over again. He already has you believing that it is your fault that he is an alcoholic.
"I am afraid he will start drinking again and it will be too late I dont want to go through that again."
I would be afraid too, he has crossed to many unhealthy lines and blamed it all on you or the alcohol.
Do you think you are codependent? What about help for you? Possibly therapy or joining an alanon group. Maybe you should go a year or so without a realationship. Please don't believe everything he has to say. Take care of yourself.
relationship was hell
daily arguments
accusations of infedelity
alcohol abuse
verbal abuse
emotional abuse
drunk nights
he hit me
went to prison
on probation
he was arrested
missed his court date
he was drinking he slept with a prostitute
positive for HSV2
"During this wait he lost his mind, he nothing he was required to do. Instead he was drinking heavily and on the streets, he lost his job again and was at rock bottom. All because we not living together, beacsue he wanted to be with me, he couldnt understand and fell into a massive depression."
An alcoholic is always looking for an excuse to drink. It was not your fault he chose to drink and do all of the things he did that caused you to leave him in the first place. Don't buy that cr@p.
"When I found this out I went looking for him. Found him in the worst state. I brought him home."
This is something healthy people do to cats and dogs, not men.
"What do I do does anybody think there's anything worth salvage here?"
No, I hate to see you waste anymore time unless you are willing to be hurt over and over again. He already has you believing that it is your fault that he is an alcoholic.
"I am afraid he will start drinking again and it will be too late I dont want to go through that again."
I would be afraid too, he has crossed to many unhealthy lines and blamed it all on you or the alcohol.
Do you think you are codependent? What about help for you? Possibly therapy or joining an alanon group. Maybe you should go a year or so without a realationship. Please don't believe everything he has to say. Take care of yourself.
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