Married and in love with another man

[Vivauche]

I met my husband when I was 17 years before then I was so much in love another person who travelled abroad, when I met my husband I told him I was in love with another person but he insisted I give him a chance to prove himself..my husband was so good to me,he was providing for me financially because am from a poor home. I was never really in love with him but I felt he was stable and trustworthy. We dated for like a year and then got married. Its four years of marriage now and I have a one year old daughter.. I am not sexually attracted to him, sex with him is so difficult sometimes I feel like am being raped, I can't communicate with him cuz the connection is not there I feel like he never understands,in my marriage I feel so dissatisfied like am not living my life the way I want but the way he wants, we are like two different people I have altered my life so much to accommodate him and lost myself in the process.. Am scared of a divorce cuz of my daughter i know he will take her away from me and fear of rejection, fear of starting a new life..am 22yrs old and am not happy with my life right now. Am still so much in love with my first love and am not sure he will take me back.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with SpecialMom here and Londres70 also makes a good point.

It seems You are putting a lot of thought (hope) on Your "first love" and You wonder if He will "take You back".  Reality is whether You stay or go should not involve how You felt about that "first love" when You were only 17 years old.  That was THEN, this is now and there are many changes.  You hadn't even grown all Your brain cells yet by age 17 - now You are 24 with a child - HUGE changes and differences from ages 17 to 24!!

It sounds like Your Husband is a good man but You think the grass may be greener with first BoyFriend? and did You mean that Husband literally rapes You or did You mean it "seems" that way because You are not sexually attracted?  I was unsure how You meant that.  If He is raping You, well that is TOTALLY unacceptable but if You didn't mean it that way then perhaps counseling would benefit You and Hubby in learning how to communicate better with one another.

[Londres70]

"Am still so much in love with my first love and am not sure he will take me back."..............Is is he even available to take you back?

I don't see anything wrong with wanting to end your marriage based on some of the things you've mentioned in your post, but definitely don't end your marriage based SOLELY on these feelings for your "first love."

Lots of things have changed in your life, i.e. marriage, a child, and the same possibility exist in regards to this ex's life.  

Just don't want you getting hurt basing your future on an ex relationship.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I hate to break this to you . . .  but I feel I must.  What love is like before the age of 17 . . .  probably isn't mature love or based on things that one needs for a long term relationship.  I was SOO in love in my teens and really it is quite different as a grown woman.  I say that not to dis your feelings but to give you a bit of reality.  I would almost bet my life that if you ended up with that guy ----  it would be quite different than you imagine it would be.  

So, I think basically you married someone you cared for but do not love.  This happens and I guess some see it as a trade off for the things you mention such as financial security and safety.  But you desire that in love feeling.  Now, that in love feeling I definitely had before I married but reality also is that we go through phases with our partners where I can't say I get butterflies that often anymore. But I love him deeply and fully.  We are partners.  

But . . .  if I felt I wasn't sexually attracted to him, thought about someone else often, and not connected to him-----  that isn't a marriage.  Very unfair to yourself to settle for that and just as unfair to this man.  He shouldn't have to feel like a criminal (like he is raping you) for desiring sex with his wife.  That is almost cruel to be in a relationship with him.  he deserves a woman who appreciates and loves him.  he sounds like a good, responsible person and I think it is unfair to hold onto him because of a comfortable financial lifestyle.  

Yes, you need to get your own job.  Either finish your degree (college) or get solid job training so that you can become financially independent on your own.  And live on your own for a while.  Take care of yourself.  This helps you make good choices in partners down the road.

It would be the wrong thing to do to start up with any other man until you are officially divorced.  And relationships that start in infidelity don't usually make it for the long haul.  Instead, spend some time on your own, learn to live on your own, and after some time, you will be ready to date again.  

I do wish you luck.  You've made a mistake and it is time to correct it.  I just wish that would have happened before the two of you had a child.  It is probably emotionally hard and scary to think of your next steps but both your and your husband deserve a better match in a partner for yourselves.  good luck

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and welcome. I would like to ask you why you married your husband.

[thatquietgirl]

How can he take her away from you? If you have a job/get a job (or at least have some form of income), find somewhere to live (even with parents), and aren't on drugs, it's unlikely the people looking into placement for her will give sole custody.

Would you rather your daughter grow up knowing you as a defeated, weak, compliant person or your own individual?  Consider that.  Talk to legal counsel if you can get a free consultation somewhere at the very least before writing off the possibility of a divorce.