My adult son hates me!

[mlou440]

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[peggy64]

I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but do you think your son has put his life on hold? do you think he is miserable?  Is is sitting around somewhere writing about how miserable he is without you? I don't say that to upset you but to get you to see the truth in this, for your own health. This kind of ongoing emtional upset will cause you physical harm and then when he does come back, you won't be able to enjoy the restored relationship because of emotional induced illness.

I only say this because I hope an pray wellness and wholeness for you.

I heard someone say that when these things happen we have to go on. Give yourself a time line to grieve in and then try to begin living again. It sounds like this is something that might help in your situation.

[lonewolf07]

I have been estranged from my younger daughter for six or seven years. I has been agonizing because I know I have no control over what she does.

However, I did find a website for parents of estranged adult children.  It's good website and they seem to manage to keep the lurker and phoneys out.  If anyone wants the contact information, please just ask.  It has helped me hang onto my sanity.

[Keepsakes9]

Can I have that website? ***@****

[Rejected]

Knowing my son, there's no way he's put his life on hold or is thinking about how miserable he is without me.  He's much too self-centered to waste time missing me or my husband.  If he were that miserable, he wouldn't allow this to continue.  I've always given in, but I can't let that happen again, no matter how miserable I may feel.  I'm trying, peggy.  I'm really trying.  It's still a very open wound.  I'm hoping and praying time will close the wound and allow it to heal..........with or without my son in my life.

[Rejected]

I feel your pain, lonewolf.  I, for one, would like you to post a link to the website for parents of estranged children.  Thank you.

[cmarie112]

I am so sorry that you are all going through this most horrible type of rejection. But I am so glad to have found this site where others will undertand my heartache. I have been going through this for many years....and I thought I was all alone.  I thought this was so awful that surely no other mother could possibly be going through what I am going through. I have heard many stories about sons and daughters who mistreat their parents, which is bad enough. But I never hear about any, like mine and some others on this board, where grown children just completely cut their parents out of their lives, literally disown them, without any ligitimate reason at all. I do know that we live in a generation that has an extreme sense of entitlement and very little, if any, respect, honor, or character. But, even so, it seems that even mothers who weren't the best to their kids, even mothers who abused and abandoned still have some sort of relationship with them when they are grown. I see this all of the time.  I can't bare the shame of telling anyone that two of my adult children have not spoken to me in several years, and that I have never even seen my grandchildren.  Anybody who hears this would have to believe that I was a horrible mother and that now I am getting my just punishment. Truly, there is no other logical explanation.  I myself would draw that conclusion if I heard my own story. From the bottom of my heart I wish this were the case, because then at least I would understand, it would actually make some sense. I am not perfect, but I was totally devoted to my children. I expressed love to them continually, spent time with them, helped them learn and grow, always knew where they were and was available to them, did all that I could to give them a happy and enjoyable childhood, and lived my life morraly before them. I felt blessed to be a mother and took the responsibility of shaping the lives that were entrusted to me very seriously. Unfortunatley, I could only do my part, and could not replace their father who was emotionally absent from both me and our children. For over 30 years I  thought I was doing the right thing by sacrificing my own happiness in a loveless marriage and trying to stay together for their sake. We made it until they were grown and then divorced. I wonder now if it was the wrong decision to try and keep an unhappy marriage together, and if this set the stage for what was to come.  I have grieved the death of loved ones, parents, a husband, and others. This rejection from my grown children is a grief just as painful as a death, except it never ends because my sons are very much alive and apparently happily living their lives, and the "death" that I grieve is their relationship to me. I have asked God, is there a lesson I need to learn from this so that it can end, is there a work You want me to do so some good can come out of this, but no answers have come.  I am a Christian and I do trust God and I know there is a purpose in everything.  I just wish I could find a way to live again unshackled by this heartache. I hate thinking that I will live the rest of my days in this dark and dreary prison that has become my secret life.  I dread Mother's Day year after year after year, hearing others talking about their grandchildren and hiding the fact that I have two grandchildren but have never seen them.  I can't forget the beautiful innocent babies that I rocked to sleep and sang lullubys to. I can't forget the little boys who climbed into my lap, held onto my hand as if I was their whole world, and told me how much they loved me. I know children grow up and venture out into their own lives and we become less important. But how can my sons forget all about me and put me so completely out of their lives this easily?

[Keepsakes9]

Wow! You are me!! I am going through the same thing right now! My 1st grandchild was just born this Valentines day and my son has not spoken to me since June-

[Saundra7]

I know your pain. My son lives three miles away and they have a precious little boy. We have been cut out of their lives and it is unbearable. After reading all these comments it has helped me. I pray and plead with God to move this mountain. I have asked God what is it I need to learn?

[Paxiled]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but the person to ask is your son.  If that hasn't worked or if you know what his objections are and you haven't tried to resolve those problems then maybe some intervention by other family members might do the trick.  

[specialmom]

Hi Saundra.  This is so hard, isn't it? Kids sometimes don't vocalize the pains of their childhood. We, as parents, are often doing our best and sometimes don't realize if something we've done has been hurtful.  If your adult child is open to talking, talk to him.  But be willing to really listen.  Apologize if need be.  And try to truly hear what they have to say.  No one is perfect.  Forgiveness is freeing for your son as it is for you.  peace to you.

[peggy64]

Cmarie, your words, your sorrow, your pain,

My prayers are with you that God will sustain you and give you His grace and mercy to endure........

My prayers are with your sons, that they will have their eyes opened to the truth and make amends with you, while there is still time. Both for your sake as well as for their own.