Avatar universal

My adult son hates me!

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
278 Responses
Avatar universal
I have trouble with my 17 year old son hating me because he says I play favorites and give his older brother (23) everything and him nothing. His brother of course does the right thing, good grades, college, very respectful, never in trouble, works, helps whenever I ask and earned rewards accordingly, like a car for graduation and insurance, a phone, computer, etc. He of course is not perfect but I feel, has earned everything he has gotten. My 17 year old however is ALWAYS fighting the system, hating the rules everywhere, in trouble with police, hated school and has wanted his own way all his life. He disrespects me and says he doesn't care if he lives or dies, he wont be around long anyway, is very impulsive because of adhd, gets in trouble at school, crashed  my truck twice, swears and smokes at school, etc. and tries all the time to hurt me with his words. Because of this he does not drive anymore or have a phone. I understand all children are different and have different intelligent levels but you can't give one who breaks the rules the same as one who follows the rules, it wouldn't be fair to the one who follows the rules would it? His father pasted away 5 years ago and I believe this is a lot of the problem but he has always been strong willed, rebelious and wanted his own way. As mothers we rack our brains 24/7 trying to solve the problems we have with our children and reading all the problems everyone here are having makes me realize that I and maybe you  need to  make the first move for our sanity and try to make an appointment with them, at their convenience,  sit them down and ask them how we can make this situation between us better. I will tell him I am sorry for whatever I have done but I want a truce and I want to start over and I love him and ask him what would need to be done to make us have a relationship again. Hopefully I can calmly talk to him and find out what in the heck is wrong with us and what we can do to make it better. I am a christian and I have God in my life but I am tired of sitting around feeling bad when I have done the best I can. I dont want to be sad about this the rest of my life. I have two sons and one is fine so I must have done something right. Hopefully  we can come up with an answer. Seeya  Heidi
397539 tn?1233258097
I do feel your pain, because im going through the same thing almost, except its the other way around..  My mother is doing the same to me...  Im 24, married with one son of my own, 2 stepkids (mykids), and a wonderful life with my family..  but my mother will have nothing to do with me.   I had my son when I was 17 and once me and his father broke up, mymother got with my son's dad's father ( my son's grandpa) which is sick, but I dont have anything to do with it..  well after that we lost our house my mother and I got and my son's father went to jail for his stupidity...  so my mother and her b/f went and lived in an RV, with no place for me to go.. ( we lost our house because my mother couldnt afford her sorry b/f and bills, plus took my money when I worked, and my childsupport at the time) anyways I went and lived w/ my grandparents where I became a better person... since I dropped out of school, I went and got my GED, went to college, and got a job..   anyways to make a long story short... its been 5 yrs...and anytime I go to court...my mother is on their side...  well its gotten worse... she is manipulating my son by tellin him lies (he is 7) saying its my fault for anything that is wrong...   also she still doesnt want anything to do with me...  so all I can suggest is take a day at a time...  its really hard...  and there isnt anything we can do...  but wait ...  which is hard...  also therapy is good too...  
I hope everything works out!  

Avatar universal
Hello, I feel for you. Your story is exactly like mine. But mine just started (or so I thought) just a few days ago. My son is 22 and still living at home. He quit school and has had several dead-end jobs for the past year, going out with his friends and not seeing him for 2-3 days. We informed him the other day that he has 30 days to move out and the financial help stops now. He responded with a 3-page letter telling us what horrible parents we were and how we "forced" him to go to summer school, take swimming lessons, etc. etc. in order to get him away from us. Of course, this letter was filled with dozens of curse words. The letter was completely about him and convenetly left out all the good things that has happened in his life. I have always lived my life for him. I was older when I had him and he was really a miracle baby. I have racked my brain about what we did wrong and I can only come up with, we both worked full time and his grandmother took care of him every day. I have been crying every night and I tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty and I have to just leave him alone and maybe someday he will come to the realization that we weren't so bad after all.  I hope things have improved for you and I hope they do for me also.  Please take care and write to me if you'd like.
Avatar universal
well i think everyone has said what can be said. i find it interesting you came to this particular forum. i believe all the things you've said. it's only one side of a very complex situation, though. i don't say that to be rude...but what i'm getting at is my mom and brother are in the same situation. he completely disrespects her and always has. i think he hates her. yet, he'll always go to her first for money. fortunately for my mom she has 2 other kids who do care a lot about her...which is myself and my sister. my point is that while my whole immediate family knows that my brother is "different"...and my mom is fully aware of it...it's possible that if i were ever to get my brother to actually talk about why he is the way he is...he may give me an entirely different perspective, even though his behavior still couldn't be considered acceptable. i won't give you my whole story...it would be a novel....but i will say you aren't alone. my brother really isn't my brother anymore to me...and i can only imagine how things must be for my mom. the only solution we ever came up with is to simply let him be him. now that he's older, i think he's finally starting to see the consequences of how he's treated others. he hasn't seen his family in over 3 years. this is not the solution you want, and i know that. you want to make everything better. we have never found a way to do that...and my family has tried. i don't know how similar your situation is, but i do know we've had to simply move on. sometimes the best thing for us as humans is simply to appreciate the relationships that we actually have and build on those rather than dwell on relationships that don't exist or can not be repaired.  again i don't know the entire situation and i wouldn't tell you to give up...but i am saying that you can't force something like that to work right.

in any event...i don't know that anything i've said has been of help, but i do wish you the best of luck. if you can't fix what you are wanting to fix...the best thing to do is not to let it consume you. you have to eventually let it go otherwise you can't be happy. and it's a good idea to keep seeing a psych. hope you find a solution to your problem.
Avatar universal
maybe you all can help me?
I think that I can handle this world for about 1 more week.
I lost my 2nd son when I divorced my 1st husband... I understood.. .he thought he was going with the money... he was always looking out for himself and needed the best... NO Biggie...
I lost my daughter 6 years ago... she did not like my house rules... she called the police on me twice claiming abuse... (No Way)... the 3rd time was the charm... I was handcuffed.. fingerprinted... and jailed for 49 hours...  NOT guilty... It cost me $5,000 to be proved innocent before a judge.  The night she sent me to jail... she told my neighbor 2 things... 1) I hope she finds a girfriend in there... 2) I have her credit cards and I am going shopping....

Now I have lost my 31 year old son... he is a Dr.   and Yes... I put him through school...  

Here is what happened... and I want anyone out there to chastize me... I know I did wrong...

I was asked to babysit my 2/2month year old grandchild for the 2nd time in her life...  (I am the B grandparent)...  my son's in-laws are wealthy... and I am not...  I am the Black Sheep in his life...  (yet I was good enough to raise him)

Anyway... as I was sitting... the phone rang... I looked for paper... I saw one in the basket by the phone... as I turned it over to see if it was OK to write on...I noticed it was a reciept from the Goodwill... I was shooked...

GoodWill!!!... as I read the list it seemed familiar...  IT was a list of everything I had given my son, his wife, and my grand-daughter for Xmas 2 weeks ago...  WOW!

2 weeks ago it got to me... I called my son and said first... I am embarassed that I saw the list.. I was not snooping...  but I was hurt... what is the deal?  

At first he acted like he had no idea... and we ended the call...

2 minutes later he called me back and this is what he said...

"I dare you... no I ******* dare you... call me at this hour (9:10PM), my child was asleep, my wife... no, my pregnant wife was asleep...  Don't ever call this number again... I never want to see you again...

And your grand-daughter... you will never see her again... and Your grand-daughter to be born... You will never lay eyes on her...

AND... when you die...NONE of your kids will be at your funeral... because WE all HATE you...

and he hung up...

2 weeks and 2 days...

WHAT DO I DO???????????

Avatar universal
Are you aware that you always marry what is familiar?  You married your alcholic husband because one of your parents was an alcholic.  If you weren't raised with an alcholic, when you were dating your husband you would have said, "I'm outta here."  but you were desensitized to that kind of behavior because you were raised with it.  Everyone on the plantet marry's what is familiar.  Your son married a controling wife because YOU were controling.  He was desensitized to controling behavior.  That's why, when his girlfriend started controling him, it didn't feel strange to him.  He didn't say, "I'm not putting up with that."  So, now you can't stand his wife because she's controling.  Yet, it's your fault in the first place that he married someone like her.  Also, your son was raised with a controling mother and an alcholic father.  He is going to have some serious emotional problems as a result.  None of which are his fault.  You need to make peace with his wife whatever the cost.  You will never have a good relationship with your son until he sees you being kind and loving to his wife.  When your ready to have your son back in your life, your going to need to humble yourself and go to his wife and apologize for anything and everything you ever said or did to hurt her.  And DO NOT bring up anything SHE did.  Make it all about you, not her.  And stop trying to control your son.  Your still doing it because you said you cut him off from all money from you.  That's how your controling him.  You must stop it!  When he does anything that you don't approve of, you need to tell him in a loving way, but not give him advice.  He's a grown man.  He needs your support and your encouragment and your sympathy.  He and his wife DO NOT want/need your advice.  So, if he does something you don't like and he tells you, all you should say is, "Honey, I don't approve of that and you know it.  But I love you and I'll always be here for you no matter what you do."  Not, "If you do that I'll stop giving you money."  Or, "I think that's wrong.  You should do this instead."  Remember, everything in the world responds to love.  Plants, animals, and especially people.  
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