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My boyfriend won't sleep in the same room as me
I've recently been having trouble sleeping with and feeling close to my boyfriend of four years. We've recently moved in together, three months ago, but for the last two years we've been sleeping at each others apartments most nights, this was only an occasional problem then. I really believe that we should be sleeping in the same bed, or maybe that's just what I really really want.
However, it is inevitable that he'll wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, get up for a little while and then end up sleeping in another room. This has been frustrating me because its depressing to wake up with him gone, sort of like I'm to blame. Of course, I want him to get plenty of good sleep, but when we sleep in separate rooms, I don't sleep well. It's also extremely depressing to completely resign myself to having separate bedrooms. I find it hard to even look at him during the day and usually end up crying if he tries to come into my room before going back to sleep in his.
We are having less sex because of this issue, since we would often have sex before sleeping or in the morning after waking up. Plus, there's no desire for romance when one of us is miserable or sleep deprived.
Neither of us snore, although he says that sometimes I cough in my sleep, and we have a fan or air conditioner on for both the noise and the heat. I use my own top sheet and he has a comforter so we don't touch and I try to sleep as close to the edge as I can in order to not disturb him if I need to turn over. I've suggested getting a tempurpedic, but he doesn't want to spend the money. I know that he loves me a lot and cares about our future together, but the issue has been such a problem that he will no longer talk about it, which just makes me feel very lonely.
I've run out of ideas, any suggestions?
However, it is inevitable that he'll wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, get up for a little while and then end up sleeping in another room. This has been frustrating me because its depressing to wake up with him gone, sort of like I'm to blame. Of course, I want him to get plenty of good sleep, but when we sleep in separate rooms, I don't sleep well. It's also extremely depressing to completely resign myself to having separate bedrooms. I find it hard to even look at him during the day and usually end up crying if he tries to come into my room before going back to sleep in his.
We are having less sex because of this issue, since we would often have sex before sleeping or in the morning after waking up. Plus, there's no desire for romance when one of us is miserable or sleep deprived.
Neither of us snore, although he says that sometimes I cough in my sleep, and we have a fan or air conditioner on for both the noise and the heat. I use my own top sheet and he has a comforter so we don't touch and I try to sleep as close to the edge as I can in order to not disturb him if I need to turn over. I've suggested getting a tempurpedic, but he doesn't want to spend the money. I know that he loves me a lot and cares about our future together, but the issue has been such a problem that he will no longer talk about it, which just makes me feel very lonely.
I've run out of ideas, any suggestions?
To get back to the sleep issue and maybe provide an update, I've agreed to maintain separate bedrooms for about the next month or so. My boyfriend has a major project coming up and I know what it is like to have a trusted partner seem to sabotage your success by providing selfish distractions.
Beginning in October, I need to move back into our bedroom and work on sleeping together. It's just an absolute necessity to me and I hope that we can make it work.
In the mean time, I wonder if I should be upset by the fact that he'll let his cat stay in at night, sometimes even in his bed. He knows perfectly well, and has accepted the fact that around 2 or 3am the cat will annoy him enough until he'll have to get up and let it out. Yet I'm not allowed to sleep in his bed because I'll inevitably wake him up. I mentioned the double standard and my boyfriend seemed to see that it's unfair, but "he's cute and I love him," says my boyfriend to the cat.
Beginning in October, I need to move back into our bedroom and work on sleeping together. It's just an absolute necessity to me and I hope that we can make it work.
In the mean time, I wonder if I should be upset by the fact that he'll let his cat stay in at night, sometimes even in his bed. He knows perfectly well, and has accepted the fact that around 2 or 3am the cat will annoy him enough until he'll have to get up and let it out. Yet I'm not allowed to sleep in his bed because I'll inevitably wake him up. I mentioned the double standard and my boyfriend seemed to see that it's unfair, but "he's cute and I love him," says my boyfriend to the cat.
Aren't you cute? and doesn't he love you?! Thats totally bs! He'll let the cat sleep with him until it wakes him up to leave the room...he's totally contradicting himself.. Did you say anything in response? I would have gotten po.ed lol ..
Gosh I love how all of the sudden everyone thinks my boyfriend is totally gay or bi...*sighs* He used to be bi, or said he used to be because he had one experience and now that he stays over at his friends house he's gay...HE IS NOT GAY! His friend is not gay! He hasn't been hanging out with any gay person, just a married guy and his best friend...who is not gay! As far as my other comment I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP COWBOY OUT...and how is the last one the most telling? I don't even mention his being bi or anything. Were having problems and suddenly he's all fruity and its because he wants a guy over me?
Sorry Katie I am not going to post on this forum anymore...people on here just...assume way too much. Anyways! If you need my help at all anymore feel free to message me!
Gosh I love how all of the sudden everyone thinks my boyfriend is totally gay or bi...*sighs* He used to be bi, or said he used to be because he had one experience and now that he stays over at his friends house he's gay...HE IS NOT GAY! His friend is not gay! He hasn't been hanging out with any gay person, just a married guy and his best friend...who is not gay! As far as my other comment I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP COWBOY OUT...and how is the last one the most telling? I don't even mention his being bi or anything. Were having problems and suddenly he's all fruity and its because he wants a guy over me?
Sorry Katie I am not going to post on this forum anymore...people on here just...assume way too much. Anyways! If you need my help at all anymore feel free to message me!
my boyfriend hasnt slept with me in 2 yrs..he has never even tried too...l feel like l moved into his house and kicked him out of his own bed..l am at the point in leaving him cause l cant deal with this anymore..l dont feel like this is a relationship at all never did..he is also a habitual liar..when l asked him why he doesnt sleep with me first it was cause l dont sleep with the tv on..well sorry dude l cant handle noise..the second was it was to warm in there..well thats why they have fans..the third was he had a bad cough and he couldnt breath laying flat...the list goes on and on...he did however said his last girlfriend he slept with he would put the tv on in the living room and sleep with her..so it has to do something with me..all the woman he has been with have big breast..well l dont and l think thats the problem but he wont fuss up...tired of all the lies ....
I realise this is an old thread going, but I can say that I am a woman and I do exactly the same as your boyfriend does. I've no idea why but feel so much more comfortable on my own. I realise this sounds insulting to a partner but its nothing to do with loving them less or that I dont want sex, its simply to sleep. If anyone is interesting in talking about this more I'd love to discuss and expand on the theme, I very rarely speak to anyone about it, but has caused a problem in every relationship I've been in.
Hi!
I'm a female and I have great problems getting to sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend. And I love him more than anything in the world!
For me I think this difficulty has arisen because of a number of reasons. I'm an only child and not used to having any sibling around me, or sharing a room with anyone. I always had problems sharing a room with other girls when I was growing up and we went on over-night school trips/camps. I had Valerian tablets even as a 15 year old, to try and calm me (but that didn't work either).
I think for me it's just that I am quite an anxious person and a very light sleeper and I just can't switch off completely with someone else in the room. It hurts me a lot, because I want to please my partner, and I can feel a bit guilty, because I know it means a lot to him. But now I think he has got used to it and because we have such a loving relationship during the day, I think he feels reassured that I love him. And we always cuddle( or have sex) in one of the rooms before going to bed and cuddle in the morning when we wake up. I just feel so rubbish if my sleep has bee deprived in any way, that I can get angry in the day, so we have learnt that I should sleep alone, even though I'll sometimes try and sleep with him (but it still hasn't worked out).
I can so agree with what Trialanderror that it's as though I can catch on to his brainwaves when I'm trying to sleep in the same room. I can't explain it. Not that I have any of his dreams or so, it's just that my mind seems so conscious of him being there.
If anyone has overcome the problem of not being able to sleep next to their beloved partner I would love to hear how they did it!
/Christine
I'm a female and I have great problems getting to sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend. And I love him more than anything in the world!
For me I think this difficulty has arisen because of a number of reasons. I'm an only child and not used to having any sibling around me, or sharing a room with anyone. I always had problems sharing a room with other girls when I was growing up and we went on over-night school trips/camps. I had Valerian tablets even as a 15 year old, to try and calm me (but that didn't work either).
I think for me it's just that I am quite an anxious person and a very light sleeper and I just can't switch off completely with someone else in the room. It hurts me a lot, because I want to please my partner, and I can feel a bit guilty, because I know it means a lot to him. But now I think he has got used to it and because we have such a loving relationship during the day, I think he feels reassured that I love him. And we always cuddle( or have sex) in one of the rooms before going to bed and cuddle in the morning when we wake up. I just feel so rubbish if my sleep has bee deprived in any way, that I can get angry in the day, so we have learnt that I should sleep alone, even though I'll sometimes try and sleep with him (but it still hasn't worked out).
I can so agree with what Trialanderror that it's as though I can catch on to his brainwaves when I'm trying to sleep in the same room. I can't explain it. Not that I have any of his dreams or so, it's just that my mind seems so conscious of him being there.
If anyone has overcome the problem of not being able to sleep next to their beloved partner I would love to hear how they did it!
/Christine
Hi!
Its good to hear that you have the same problem as I have with my boyfriend... We have been together for 2 years and moved in a month ago. We have never had bigger problems with sleeping together in the same bed on the weekends or during holidays. Since we moved in we have not had a single night that he wasnt waking up, and waking me up as a result... i think he sleeps very light. He falls asleep very quickly but wakes up suddenly...during night and cant go back to sleep. He says that he is very stressed because of work so at times he sleeps in different room, so that we can catch up on sleep. The only problem is that it makes me feel like Im his flatmate only... not a close person with whom you spend intimate moments during night. Moreover it also puts me off sex as I dont feel close anymore. Any suggestion? Help...I am fed up with it...
Its good to hear that you have the same problem as I have with my boyfriend... We have been together for 2 years and moved in a month ago. We have never had bigger problems with sleeping together in the same bed on the weekends or during holidays. Since we moved in we have not had a single night that he wasnt waking up, and waking me up as a result... i think he sleeps very light. He falls asleep very quickly but wakes up suddenly...during night and cant go back to sleep. He says that he is very stressed because of work so at times he sleeps in different room, so that we can catch up on sleep. The only problem is that it makes me feel like Im his flatmate only... not a close person with whom you spend intimate moments during night. Moreover it also puts me off sex as I dont feel close anymore. Any suggestion? Help...I am fed up with it...
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