My boyfriend won't sleep in the same room as me

[KatieP154]

I've recently been having trouble sleeping with and feeling close to my boyfriend of four years. We've recently moved in together, three months ago, but for the last two years we've been sleeping at each others apartments most nights, this was only an occasional problem then. I really believe that we should be sleeping in the same bed, or maybe that's just what I really really want.

However, it is inevitable that he'll wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, get up for a little while and then end up sleeping in another room. This has been frustrating me because its depressing to wake up with him gone, sort of like I'm to blame. Of course, I want him to get plenty of good sleep, but when we sleep in separate rooms, I don't sleep well. It's also extremely depressing to completely resign myself to having separate bedrooms. I find it hard to even look at him during the day and usually end up crying if he tries to come into my room before going back to sleep in his.

We are having less sex because of this issue, since we would often have sex before sleeping or in the morning after waking up. Plus, there's no desire for romance when one of us is miserable or sleep deprived.

Neither of us snore, although he says that sometimes I cough in my sleep, and we have a fan or air conditioner on for both the noise and the heat. I use my own top sheet and he has a comforter so we don't touch and I try to sleep as close to the edge as I can in order to not disturb him if I need to turn over. I've suggested getting a tempurpedic, but he doesn't want to spend the money. I know that he loves me a lot and cares about our future together, but the issue has been such a problem that he will no longer talk about it, which just makes me feel very lonely.

I've run out of ideas, any suggestions?

[Trialanderror]

I have always been in a similar situation but in reversed roles. Females are said to be the ones who love to cuddle and feel close but I used to be the one to switch to another room by 2am or even better leave the house which is impossible when married. If it makes you feel better, it never ever had anything to do with not loving my partner, otherwise I would have avoided the bed to begin with. It is just that as an introvert I regain all my energy during the few precious hours of sleep and the presence of even the most beloved human makes me tense and worn out. Us "lone wolves in relationships" put a lot of strain on a partner in that way... What helps is to add more closeness at other times of the day, I never had a problem with that. But deep sleep is sacred.
It may sound weird but when sleeping all cuddled up with my partner, I would sometimes have intense flashes of thoughts or visions or dreams that turned out to be what he was thinking of at the time. It is almost as if the other person`s brain waves catch on to mine and disrupt my sleep. I just need physical space.
Funny that you asked your second question as it is linked to those sleep patterns. Lone wolves can be so self-sufficient that it never occurs to them to get happiness through a partner or others in general. However, if they enter a relationship, they owe it to a partner to contribute to happiness, even if it is not the sleep routine and sometimes they need a partner to remind them of warmth and closeness since they often do not initiate those moments but still enjoy them. Try to find out which moments your boyfriend definitely wants to spend by himself and then enjoy and share all other times. The difference in the desire for closeness is hard to overcome but it is possible once you both approach it rationally.

[KatieP154]

It's nice to hear from people who are in similar situations. I do hope that the sleeping arrangements have not become the way they are because we are drifting apart. Sometimes we talk about breaking up, but it's not what either one of us wants. Although, the mere fact that it comes up does make me worry that he's not committed enough to work through any of these problems that do arise. In my mind, I cannot give up or even stop thinking about our issues, until they've been resolved. That's why this sleep issue is bugging me soooo much, because no matter how hard I try, I can't fix it.

This is probably where someone will tell me to "grow up and let it go, if the relationship is so important then you'll compromise." Or that "the more you worry the more the problem grows instead of subsiding."

As long as the opportunity is there, I can't stand waking up without him either. Of course, I have no problem getting to sleep and sleeping well when we have to sleep apart. By "have to" I mean he's gone for the weekend or when we lived across the state from each other. It's the fact that we're in the same place and he's choosing not to sleep with me that I can't get past.

That brings up another question. How much of your own happiness can be or should be dependent on your mate? I know I would be fine without him, but I know that I would be happier with him. But he doesn't want the added pressure of feeling like I need him to make me happy. Yet, I want him to need me to be truly happy.

Thoughts?

[Jame0223]

I know how you feel. My boyfriend will occasionally sleep in another room as well. Mos of the time I fall asleep before he goes to bed and he just never comes to our room. I wake up at about the same time everytime it happens and go get him. He will come, but sometimes he won't. Just the other night he came home after a fight instead of going to his friends like he said he would. Everything was okay...but then he just got up and went to the other room and wouldn't come back to our bed...This is really upsetting. I feel the same way, its harder to sleep wondering why they don't want to sleep with us. I know that sometimes he has a hard time sleeping because of our bed. I wouldn't midn getting a new mattress were both comfy with but we can't really afford it yet.

Lately I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me nearly as much as I do him. I am totally in love with him...but I don't think he is in love with me. We will be together 3 years in november...This is truly heartbreaking and I don't know what to do...well I know what I should do but its not what i want?

With your lack of intimacy it almost seems like you may be growing apart..maybe you should talk to him? Try and get him to do things you guys used to do together that you maybe don't do anymore? Try to rekindle the flame. It seems kind of weird if he just goes to sleep in the other room without a real reason.

I can't stand waking up to him not being there...its just comfort of them being there that helps me  fall back asleep. Hopefully someone will give you better advice and it can solve both of our problems! Good luck hun!

[KatieP154]

These are all great suggestions. It's very true that I need to stop being so emotional about the problem or stop thinking about it as if it were life and death. My boyfriend has said that he's always been a light sleeper and will occasionally wake up even when I'm not there and needs a "change of scenery" before being able to fall asleep again.

My concern is that we've agreed (I've given in because he has some important work related events coming up) that the only way to get good sleep is to have separate bedrooms and not even try falling asleep together. I miss the intimacy of falling asleep together or waking up with him there. We certainly need to be communicating better though, and in order to do that I cannot get upset as easily as I have been.

[Deeprincess]

Well for me in the past like 3 times he was messaging other women I forgave him, Why I don"t know  now for the past month he has been sleeping on the sofa. so now I just wait if I find out its happening again...I will tell him to go..I am 53 so is he.Time to grow up.

[specialmom]

Hi Deerprincess  Sorry to hear about the boyfriend.  He sounds like he may be that dirty dog type.  Stay strong and listen to your inner voice!

[slow_healer]

Has he explained *why* he feels more comfortable sleeping by himself? Could it be that since you moved in together, he's just feeling somewhat crowded? Moving in together can be a *big* step for some people. Maybe it's his way of asserting his identity as an individual, rather than devolving into a half a person in a relationship. Maybe his libido is currently lower than yours and he doesn't want to argue or offend you be refusing sex. It could be anything that for some reason he doesn't feel he can discuss with you.

Either way, stop reminding him how absolutely miserable you are because he'll sleep alone for a few hours each night. I understand that you're seeking reassurance and comfort, but it's coming across as needy and codependent. You're an adult. Adults can handle sleeping alone occassionally. You should be able to live, breathe and sleep well without your partner.

All the ideas in the world won't help you until you actually talk to him - not about what you can change, but why he feels he needs this extra space when your sleeping habits seemed to work before. If I were you I'd explain to him clearly that this is (I'm assuming) a dealbreaker for you and NEEDS to be addressed. And make a point to be very calm, no matter how upset you are about it. He already knows you're upset. If you're getting really upset every time it comes up, then he's going to learn to avoid bringing it up or talking about it. It's very hard to be honest with a person who begins crying the moment you say something they can't handle. If you're this kind of person, you need to stop yourself because it creates a barrier to honest communication. I'm not saying you're necessarily this kind of person, but do think about if this is a pattern in your discussions about it (when he stops wanting to discuss it any further). Just my $0.02.