Aa
Please Help Me... I need advice ASAP
I am in a seriously committed relationship with the complete love of my life. Weve shared over 4 amazing years together. She is the best thing in the whole world and Ive always been the most perfect amazing person I could ever be for her and have always made her the happiest girl in the world. She is my soulmate and I want nothing more then to treat her like a queen until the day I die and grow old together with a beautiful family. I have always been a sweet loving person until i screwed up big time and Ive hated myself ever since. I have always been loyal and never cheated on anyone nor thought I even could. Awhile ago, i went with a few of my friends on a guys weekend and we ended up at a strip club. I never go to these places and went with the same group of guys to vegas for a fiends bachelor party a couple of years ago. In vegas we went to the strip club 2 nights in a row and I never let a stripper come near me. My friends all have long-term girlfriends but are the type of guys who routinely get lapdances from strippers and some even more, while i always looked down upon this and never partook in these kind of activities. However this time around, i was at the strip club and got solicited by one of the dancers to go for a lap dance in the private area of the club as all my friends were doing. I was drunk, felt a bit pressured by the girl but I made a stupid but conscious decision to, I have no one to blame but myself. This girl was gross and I honestly dont remember what she looks like. Right away when we got to the couches the girl grabbed my privates over my pants and asked what we were going to do. I said Im not interested in anything like that! She said will you at least stay for 2 dances. I said I couldnt as we were about to leave the club soon to go to the casino. So she said if you pay me for 2 dances Ill make this one alot better..implying that she would let me touch her and also touch me down there.
I agree with the advice you have received.
You need to work with the therapist to learn how to stop the drama. You are catastrophizing this, and while it is definitely not a thing to be proud of, you've blown it WAY out of proportion. She DOES know, and give her more credit, she probably already knows there is more to the story.
You using such big dramatic words, and talking about this like it's the end of the world is only fueling your anxiety over this. Stay in therapy and figure out how to move past this. If at some point, after a lot of therapy, you and the therapist agree that you should tell her, that's fine. Right now, you're in no shape to make that decision, as you're basing it completely on guilt abnd regret, that's NOT a good reason to tell your GF. That's actually very selfish.
Please get yourself some help.
You need to work with the therapist to learn how to stop the drama. You are catastrophizing this, and while it is definitely not a thing to be proud of, you've blown it WAY out of proportion. She DOES know, and give her more credit, she probably already knows there is more to the story.
You using such big dramatic words, and talking about this like it's the end of the world is only fueling your anxiety over this. Stay in therapy and figure out how to move past this. If at some point, after a lot of therapy, you and the therapist agree that you should tell her, that's fine. Right now, you're in no shape to make that decision, as you're basing it completely on guilt abnd regret, that's NOT a good reason to tell your GF. That's actually very selfish.
Please get yourself some help.
Thanks Tink. I do see where you are coming from. And I think your right in that her knowing that about me will only do harm. Its a personal issue now, These feelings I have are just so prominent so strong, they are persistent throughout everyday 24/7. I am so incredibly ashamed of myself on so many levels. I am so much better then this. It would be such a shame to ruin this amazing relationship off this one stupid unnecessary event that would have felt better had I done it myself or had my gf done it. I cant believe that the first time I was ever unfaithful was for this disgusting (honestly gross, not attractive - why im also at a loss) strippers cheap offer for hand stimulation (for HAND! HANDDD!! oh my god). I just am having a hard time still accepting what Ive done. Its literally the complete opposite of the spectrum of the person I am and have always been. I just feel like I reached the point of no return in what I have said, and I am uncomfortable with what I had said compared to what I let happen. This was the definition of an isolated event, I just cant believe how weak I was at that moment. I cant believe I did that. I just wish I had never lied. I should have said it all or nothing at all, and now I have a constant feeling shame guilt and disgust all the time that I lied to her face and did this behind her back. I love her to death and I need her more then anything. This whole thing makes no sense to me. How could I be so stupid. It was the most unsatisfying unnecessary experience of my life, and a minute long and its managed to ruin me and if I was single and saw that girl at a bar I wouldnt approach her. She was honestly gross, Im dumfounded. I think I am clinically depressed. I never lie, I understand tht my lies are just a result of the level of shame i feel for what I have done, and i wasnt trying to intentionally deceive her, I lied before I even thought about lying in my confession. I wish I ripped the bandaid off in one swoop.
I get what You are saying - and I appreciate Your articulation in saying it.
Regards,
Tink
Regards,
Tink
I didn't say "it was as 'simple' as a 'lapse of judgement,'" just to clarify, lol.
And what I meant with the "completely human" statement was just that...it is a typical and expected thing of human behavior in everyone to face times of judgement lapses and making mistakes. The severity of the mistake carries its own severity of consequences.
However, the best way to handle any mistake is accept the consequences for what they are, learn from it, repent and seek forgiveness where it is due (including one's own self), and move forward as a more mature, experienced, learned person from it. This is where bigmistake2222 has let himself fall short.
I really felt the need to clarify that, because in no way am I saying that infidelity, promiscuity, and dishonesty (or any other sin) is excused because mistakes are expected in human behavior. Everyone is capable of acting on the worst behaviors and having judgemental lapses. No one is immune from that. But when sin happens, pain and suffering results on some level, and in order to move forward with life, that pain and suffering needs a way to recover and hopefully heal.
And what I meant with the "completely human" statement was just that...it is a typical and expected thing of human behavior in everyone to face times of judgement lapses and making mistakes. The severity of the mistake carries its own severity of consequences.
However, the best way to handle any mistake is accept the consequences for what they are, learn from it, repent and seek forgiveness where it is due (including one's own self), and move forward as a more mature, experienced, learned person from it. This is where bigmistake2222 has let himself fall short.
I really felt the need to clarify that, because in no way am I saying that infidelity, promiscuity, and dishonesty (or any other sin) is excused because mistakes are expected in human behavior. Everyone is capable of acting on the worst behaviors and having judgemental lapses. No one is immune from that. But when sin happens, pain and suffering results on some level, and in order to move forward with life, that pain and suffering needs a way to recover and hopefully heal.
I agree with AHP84 in Her last advice to You (except, I disagree that what You did is a "completely human" thing to do, and that it was as "simple" as a "lapse of judgement"). BUT, I DO AGREE that You need more therapy. I would point out (again!!) that if You have been unable to "forgive" YourSelf, then You must realize She may not be able to "forgive" You either - so - work through this and spare Her!! If You cannot live with what You have done, then leave Her, BUT DON'T TELL HER WHAT YOU DID. She really, really does not need to know that about You!!
You've had good advice here but You still seem BENT on telling Her and I simply don't know how many ways You need to keep being told this is not a good idea!!
WE ARE ALL REPEATING OURSELVES!!
That being said, I'm done!!
You've had good advice here but You still seem BENT on telling Her and I simply don't know how many ways You need to keep being told this is not a good idea!!
WE ARE ALL REPEATING OURSELVES!!
That being said, I'm done!!
Here is my best and final advice to you:
Please get into regular, consistent therapy sessions to begin working through this problem for your own sake of beginning the healing process. Once you've had X number of sessions with the therapist by yourself discussing all of this, let the therapist determine whether or not it will benefit you, your quality of life, your girlfriend, and your relationship together if you were to tell her all the details.
Do not proceed with telling your girlfriend anything until you do this for yourself first. You are falling apart and it's over something completely human of anyone to do. You made a mistake, a lapse in judgement, you felt guilt and shame and tried to hide it. This is HUMAN of you--every person capable of thought and action does these things throughout their lifetime, again and again. Sometimes what happens is more serious and has worse consequences than other occurances, but in the end, a mistake is a mistake, and you owe it to yourself to be able to learn from it and move forward. You are not moving forward, and you are suffering greatly and in that, you are further increasing your risks of bad judgement calls and mistakes as you become physically sickly, sleep deprived, smoking, losing your appetite, and whatever else. This will ultimately affect your relationship in the end anyway if you don't get help now.
You NEED to get past this, and since you are having so much trouble doing it on your own, get help, seek the guidance of someone who is professionally trained in working with relationship counseling AND individual counseling. Spend a few sessions in individual counseling, and go from there according to the guidance of the therapist.
At this point, I really think you owe this to yourself moreso than your relationship.
Please get into regular, consistent therapy sessions to begin working through this problem for your own sake of beginning the healing process. Once you've had X number of sessions with the therapist by yourself discussing all of this, let the therapist determine whether or not it will benefit you, your quality of life, your girlfriend, and your relationship together if you were to tell her all the details.
Do not proceed with telling your girlfriend anything until you do this for yourself first. You are falling apart and it's over something completely human of anyone to do. You made a mistake, a lapse in judgement, you felt guilt and shame and tried to hide it. This is HUMAN of you--every person capable of thought and action does these things throughout their lifetime, again and again. Sometimes what happens is more serious and has worse consequences than other occurances, but in the end, a mistake is a mistake, and you owe it to yourself to be able to learn from it and move forward. You are not moving forward, and you are suffering greatly and in that, you are further increasing your risks of bad judgement calls and mistakes as you become physically sickly, sleep deprived, smoking, losing your appetite, and whatever else. This will ultimately affect your relationship in the end anyway if you don't get help now.
You NEED to get past this, and since you are having so much trouble doing it on your own, get help, seek the guidance of someone who is professionally trained in working with relationship counseling AND individual counseling. Spend a few sessions in individual counseling, and go from there according to the guidance of the therapist.
At this point, I really think you owe this to yourself moreso than your relationship.
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