Please Help Me... I need advice ASAP

[bigmistake22]

I am in a seriously committed relationship with the complete love of my life. Weve shared over 4 amazing years together. She is the best thing in the whole world and Ive always been the most perfect amazing person I could ever be for her and have always made her the happiest girl in the world. She is my soulmate and I want nothing more then to treat her like a queen until the day I die and grow old together with a beautiful family. I have always been a sweet loving person until i screwed up big time and Ive hated myself ever since. I have always been loyal and never cheated on anyone nor thought I even could. Awhile ago, i went with a few of my friends on a guys weekend and we ended up at a strip club. I never go to these places and went with the same group of guys to vegas for a fiends bachelor party a couple of years ago. In vegas we went to the strip club 2 nights in a row and I never let a stripper come near me. My friends all have long-term girlfriends but are the type of guys who routinely get lapdances from strippers and some even more, while i always looked down upon this and never partook in these kind of activities. However this time around, i was at the strip club and got solicited by one of the dancers to go for a lap dance in the private area of the club as all my friends were doing. I was drunk, felt a bit pressured by the girl but I made a stupid but conscious decision to, I have no one to blame but myself. This girl was gross and I honestly dont remember what she looks like. Right away when we got to the couches the girl grabbed my privates over my pants and asked what we were going to do. I said Im not interested in anything like that! She said will you at least stay for 2 dances. I said I couldnt as we were about to leave the club soon to go to the casino. So she said if you pay me for 2 dances Ill make this one alot better..implying that she would let me touch her and also touch me down there.

[bigmistake2222]

I just dont know what to do. Im feel like im lying to her everyday. I am so ashamed of what I did, there was a clear lack of restraint. But the fact that I lied hurts more then the act. I wish I just told her everything at once. I dont like the idea of keeping a secret from her for the rest of my life. Its very uncomfortable and I feel the major proponent in whats hindering my ability to let this go. Another major component hindering my healing is that I cant wrap my head around the fact how I could be so foolish to throw away my purity and the innocence of my perfect relationship for some cheap hand stimulation from some stripper who was much less attractive then my girlfriend and for something so completely unnecessary and useless.

I agree shes dealt with this enough, and I am so thankful that I was forgiven for what I admitted. But in my heart I feel like a told her nothing but a bunch of lies and have not been truly forgiven. I was tested and failed miserably. She doesn't deserve this deceit. I know the one thing she values most is honesty. I am in such emotional pain. I cant explain how remorselful I am, I dont know how I could let this happen or how I was in a position to let that happen. I never go for lapdances EVER! Its so low and the thought of it sickens me. I feel so weak and ashamed of myself. Everyday I think how hurt she would be if she knew what I truly let happen that night.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You are wrong to think telling Her would "change" anything.  IT WON'T!!Telling Her does not "change" what You did - You did the "deed" whether She knows or not.  Telling Her will not ease Your guilt - it will not "disappear" - what You did remains a DEED of FACT, EVEN IF You "confess"!!  AND it's reasonable for You to feel guilty, I am glad that You do, as only good people feel guilty when they do something wrong.  So, guilt can be a good thing - it likely means You will NEVER do such again.   Her knowing will not make it go away but will blow Her faith in You and that will be PAINFUL to Her.  This I know is true.
I repeat:  It's YOUR burden and YOU should carry it!!  Re-commit to YOURSELF never do such a thing again and spare Her!!

I agree with APH84 that You need more therapy to get YourSelf through this.

[AHP84]

Yes, I'd highly recommend you get yourself regular appointments for an extended duration of time over a few months or so to help yourself get through this. The fact that you feel guilt and shame over what you did is normal, healthy and good in that you learned from it and know not to do it again. But you've stumbled completely and can't seem to pick yourself up and move forward and allow yourself to heal. You're bottling all this up and feel so compelled to dump it on your girlfriend to relieve yourself, but you're conflicted in doing that too--and rightfully so, as she really has no further need to take on your pain, shame, and guilt beyond what she has and has already forgiven it of you. No reason to open that wound for her again because you aren't allowing yourself to heal.
You really need to seek further and more consistent help to overcome this, as it is a personal issue that you are allowing to destroy both your quality of life AND your relationship. You can move past this and heal--you just need the right guidance and you don't have that right now.

[bigmistake2222]

It was one 2 hour appointment, but I think I need to go back. This is now 8 months from the event. I think I feel this way because of how much I love her and how much disrespect I have caused. Shes my soulmate.  Im just so disgusted with myself. Im baffled as to how I did this and that Im dealing with this.  I honestly have not been able to answer WHY I did this to myself. I feel so weak. Like the biggest fool in the world. Ive never been unfaithful in my 27 years of life and the fact that ive become this lying cheating ******* overnight hasnt sunk in too well. I dont think id feel much worse then I do now if I had done something more like have sex with her at the time. I was unfaithful, I sat there when I knew it was wrong and my bare penis was being stroked by some disgusting strippers hand. Theres no excusing it. I worry if I will ever respect myself again, if Ill ever be able to rid this shame and disgust and disappointment I have. I am trying to be the best person I can be to her everyday, I just feel like no matter what I do I wont be giving her the respect she deserves bc of what ive done and what Im keeping from her. In addition to all this, I had also smoked intermittently due to my constant level of stress but realized this was making me even more depressed so Ive stopped for over a month now. Something I quit for her over 3 years ago. This also has caused me guilt and shame. So now there are really 3 more offenses that stemmed from the first. 1) handjob 2) lie #1 - stripper got too close to me/i got a lapdance 3) lie #2 - i let the stripper unzip my pants and touch me for 10 seconds but then freaked out and got up  4)smoking behind her back. Ive really compounded my problems. Any thoughts on what I should do? All I want to do is RESPECT, LOVE, HONOUR and CHERISH her till the day I die.

[AHP84]

I'm curious, you stated you recently saw a psychologist to address this. Did you just have one appointment with the psychologist, or a few, or have you been seeing one regularly and are still in therapy?

I find it concerning the way you are personally trying to deal with this and not making any successful progress to overcome it yet.

[bigmistake2222]

This was really a 1 in a million type of deal, I would never succumb to tempatation of any sort ever again in my life. I have learned alot about how disgusting infidelity is and would never have an affair or do anything physical, emotional with anyone else. I am 100% committed to her and always have been until this. I see this as a huge breach in faithfulness. I really had no intention of this happening. I went into the strip club with no intention of getting a lapdance, Ive been a number of times and never have let a stripper near me. This is against everything I hold true, my values, my morals, my integrity. I am too soft to deal with this. I am completely devastated but what I have done.