Aa
Sexless Marriage
I am seriously considering leaving my marriage. I know my husband is a good man with a kind heart, but there is a great divide in our sex life. We have been together about 10 years We have a 5 year old daughter. As is typical, in the beginning of our relationship, things were hot. Sex was frequent and amazing.. It would be easy to presume that once our daughter was born, the flames subsided. That is not the case. Those flames started to dwindle down before I even became pregnant. I was vocal about my concerns and he would make excuses. Excuses varied from fear of getting me pregnant to his own insecurities of being over weight. Jump ahead 9 months. Our daughter was born. Sex life only continued to dwindle down. I got an IUD implanted so another pregnancy would not be a fear. We both gained quite a bit of weight, but we were happy. We enjoyed our daughter. Eventually, I started to get frustrated and voiced my concerns about the lack of sex. His selfishness when sex would happen. I explained that I don't expect to orgasm every single time we have sex, but when sex is only once ever 2-3 months, It had better count.
I would let him know that I had come to the resolve that I am just a much more sexual person than he is and he was not keeping up with me. After we would have these talks he would promise me that we will work on it, and that things will get better. Usually they would for a few weeks and then fall right back into a rut routine. I must also add that during this time, he stopped touching me, kissing me, embracing me, flirting with me and even complimenting me. There was literally no spark between us. By now, we were also planning our wedding. I remember numerous conversations with him where I expressed my worry that I was marrying into a sexless, unaffectionate relationship. He assured me (as he had before) that things would change. . As usual, they did briefly, but nothing earth shattering. We got Married.... My new husband didn't even have sex with me on my wedding night..... Enough said, right? I should have run while I still could. We are married.. We have spurts of good, consistent sex, but only after I have to ask for it and complain that we are in a rut. During all these conversations he would have varying excuses, some of them re-hashed. Weight, being tired, our daughter being in the house but eventually a new excuse came about. He confessed to me that he felt he didn't have a strong erection. That he had felt a change where his penis didn't get as hard anymore. I was floored. I hadn't noticed anything. I was content with his erection during sex. I didn't notice a change. I tried to assure him that I was satisfied with him and my only complaint was that he didn't give me enough of it. That I wanted more of what he had to give. He remained unaffectionate and unable to even reach out and touch me unless prompted to do so. I sit here and write this painfully reminded that I wish my husband would just reach out and grab my *** some time. It never happens. I also want to highlight a point in time that really stands out to me. We both lost a lot of weight. We had a complete lifestyle change. We looked great, we felt better and gained confidence. You would think we would have banged each others brains out, right? Nope. that whole period of time, over 6 months, no sex. He never even touched me. I made a point of not reaching out to him to see how long he would go without. After 6 plus months, I finally started a conversation asking what was missing from our relationship? He mentioned sex but had no explanation as to why there had been such a lull. After that, I tried a new approach, I tried to get him to talk about it as much as possible. I wanted him to tell me his fantasies, his desires, to confess to me what really turns him on. He had no answer for me. He could not tell me he likes legs in heels, or girls in thongs or porn or girl on girl, or sex toys, or sex in inappropriate places, or tying each other up, or a specific sex position or a certain place he liked to be touched or really any naughty thing he would like me to do, other than a **. That's all I got from him. He likes **'s. I actually did already know that. I would do it for him whenever asked, but he never asks. So, I decided to take things into my own hands (almost literally) and I ordered some sex toys. I asked him to look at the website and pick something out. He was unable to do so. Couldn't find a single thing he was interested in. He told me to order what I wanted so I did. That package is still in his top dresser drawer, unopened. That is where he put it when I handed it to him to look at. I know he knows its there but he avoids it like the plague. When I bring it up, his only response is that he doesn't want to be replaced by a toy. I am baffled by this because I make it clear to him that I would prefer him every time, but he wont give himself to me. So Ill jump ahead to this past Valentines Day. We had sex twice that weekend. WooHoo!!! But to my dismay, it was all about him. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. No climax for me. Last one before that was Thanksgiving night. I remember because for once, it was amazing. For once, completely unprompted, he took me in his mouth and ran his tongue over my clit until I came. I came hard. It was good. Thank god it was good, because apparently it had to last. So back to Valentines Day. Sex twice... No orgasm for me. No attention to my clit. No hands on me for foreplay. Just in, and out. 10 minutes tops. At least he got me flowers, right? So lastly, this week, I started a text conversation with him to open a dialog that would hopefully jump start us again. He drops a bomb on me. He feels he has a medical problem. No just a weak erection, but sometimes the inability to even get an erection. He tells me that there were past instances when he wanted to reach out and touch me and had the desire to have sex but that it was a "No-Go"... He feels that those couple instances are what is deterring him now. He is afraid it will happen again. He stressed that just having this conversation was embarrassing and that he didn't have the courage to see a doctor. I had no idea what to say except to ensure him that he should never be embarrassed with me, that he can tell me anything. I asked him to let me try and help him the best I could. Through the day, I tried to flirt with him telling him that when he got home, there was a ** waiting for him. He got his ** that night. No, reciprocation for me. But that's ok, we are working on him. While he was asleep that night, I snuck my hand down his boxers and played a bit. No trouble with an erection popping up there. That morning I made sure to check, morning wood popped up. I had several more conversations reminding him that I have been waiting since November (remember, that amazing oral sex on Thanksgiving? ). He swears he knows. He swears he will take care of me, but here we are, Wednesday. He has yet to put a hand on me. He has yet to kiss me. He has yet to even look me in the eyes and say he loves me. I write this in tears because I have myself convinced that its not him, its me. I don't turn him on. He is not attracted to me. When a man is attracted to a woman, he reaches out and touches her, he gets caught looking at her. He tells her how beautiful she is. I get none of that from him and I am fading. See its not just about the physical intimacy, there is very little emotional intimacy. We love our daughter, we parent very well together. We work well as team, we make each other laugh. He is kind. We mostly argue only over unimportant things. Where we fail so tragically is in that spark. We lost it. We have rekindled it briefly and lost it again. Its just not there anymore and I don't think its normal to have to work so hard at keeping it there. I feel like it should come naturally. I am lost. He is lost. I am frustrated, lonely and horny and feel like I have no where to turn for answers.
I would let him know that I had come to the resolve that I am just a much more sexual person than he is and he was not keeping up with me. After we would have these talks he would promise me that we will work on it, and that things will get better. Usually they would for a few weeks and then fall right back into a rut routine. I must also add that during this time, he stopped touching me, kissing me, embracing me, flirting with me and even complimenting me. There was literally no spark between us. By now, we were also planning our wedding. I remember numerous conversations with him where I expressed my worry that I was marrying into a sexless, unaffectionate relationship. He assured me (as he had before) that things would change. . As usual, they did briefly, but nothing earth shattering. We got Married.... My new husband didn't even have sex with me on my wedding night..... Enough said, right? I should have run while I still could. We are married.. We have spurts of good, consistent sex, but only after I have to ask for it and complain that we are in a rut. During all these conversations he would have varying excuses, some of them re-hashed. Weight, being tired, our daughter being in the house but eventually a new excuse came about. He confessed to me that he felt he didn't have a strong erection. That he had felt a change where his penis didn't get as hard anymore. I was floored. I hadn't noticed anything. I was content with his erection during sex. I didn't notice a change. I tried to assure him that I was satisfied with him and my only complaint was that he didn't give me enough of it. That I wanted more of what he had to give. He remained unaffectionate and unable to even reach out and touch me unless prompted to do so. I sit here and write this painfully reminded that I wish my husband would just reach out and grab my *** some time. It never happens. I also want to highlight a point in time that really stands out to me. We both lost a lot of weight. We had a complete lifestyle change. We looked great, we felt better and gained confidence. You would think we would have banged each others brains out, right? Nope. that whole period of time, over 6 months, no sex. He never even touched me. I made a point of not reaching out to him to see how long he would go without. After 6 plus months, I finally started a conversation asking what was missing from our relationship? He mentioned sex but had no explanation as to why there had been such a lull. After that, I tried a new approach, I tried to get him to talk about it as much as possible. I wanted him to tell me his fantasies, his desires, to confess to me what really turns him on. He had no answer for me. He could not tell me he likes legs in heels, or girls in thongs or porn or girl on girl, or sex toys, or sex in inappropriate places, or tying each other up, or a specific sex position or a certain place he liked to be touched or really any naughty thing he would like me to do, other than a **. That's all I got from him. He likes **'s. I actually did already know that. I would do it for him whenever asked, but he never asks. So, I decided to take things into my own hands (almost literally) and I ordered some sex toys. I asked him to look at the website and pick something out. He was unable to do so. Couldn't find a single thing he was interested in. He told me to order what I wanted so I did. That package is still in his top dresser drawer, unopened. That is where he put it when I handed it to him to look at. I know he knows its there but he avoids it like the plague. When I bring it up, his only response is that he doesn't want to be replaced by a toy. I am baffled by this because I make it clear to him that I would prefer him every time, but he wont give himself to me. So Ill jump ahead to this past Valentines Day. We had sex twice that weekend. WooHoo!!! But to my dismay, it was all about him. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. No climax for me. Last one before that was Thanksgiving night. I remember because for once, it was amazing. For once, completely unprompted, he took me in his mouth and ran his tongue over my clit until I came. I came hard. It was good. Thank god it was good, because apparently it had to last. So back to Valentines Day. Sex twice... No orgasm for me. No attention to my clit. No hands on me for foreplay. Just in, and out. 10 minutes tops. At least he got me flowers, right? So lastly, this week, I started a text conversation with him to open a dialog that would hopefully jump start us again. He drops a bomb on me. He feels he has a medical problem. No just a weak erection, but sometimes the inability to even get an erection. He tells me that there were past instances when he wanted to reach out and touch me and had the desire to have sex but that it was a "No-Go"... He feels that those couple instances are what is deterring him now. He is afraid it will happen again. He stressed that just having this conversation was embarrassing and that he didn't have the courage to see a doctor. I had no idea what to say except to ensure him that he should never be embarrassed with me, that he can tell me anything. I asked him to let me try and help him the best I could. Through the day, I tried to flirt with him telling him that when he got home, there was a ** waiting for him. He got his ** that night. No, reciprocation for me. But that's ok, we are working on him. While he was asleep that night, I snuck my hand down his boxers and played a bit. No trouble with an erection popping up there. That morning I made sure to check, morning wood popped up. I had several more conversations reminding him that I have been waiting since November (remember, that amazing oral sex on Thanksgiving? ). He swears he knows. He swears he will take care of me, but here we are, Wednesday. He has yet to put a hand on me. He has yet to kiss me. He has yet to even look me in the eyes and say he loves me. I write this in tears because I have myself convinced that its not him, its me. I don't turn him on. He is not attracted to me. When a man is attracted to a woman, he reaches out and touches her, he gets caught looking at her. He tells her how beautiful she is. I get none of that from him and I am fading. See its not just about the physical intimacy, there is very little emotional intimacy. We love our daughter, we parent very well together. We work well as team, we make each other laugh. He is kind. We mostly argue only over unimportant things. Where we fail so tragically is in that spark. We lost it. We have rekindled it briefly and lost it again. Its just not there anymore and I don't think its normal to have to work so hard at keeping it there. I feel like it should come naturally. I am lost. He is lost. I am frustrated, lonely and horny and feel like I have no where to turn for answers.
Best Answer
You mention all the wonderful things you both have in common. Embrace those. Find a way to deal with being horny and enjoy these moments where there is no tragety to separate him from you permanently. There comes a time.
"I still over think things. Even though our weekend was fabulous, I still question why suddenly he had no problem with an erection. One or two days of me simply acknowledging that I could improve how I treat him fixed all his issues?"..............Hon, don't focus on this. Things have heated up again in the bedroom............that's all that is important at this time. You got what you wanted and needed.
Maybe you taking some responsibility for this relieved some of the pressure off of him and now he can perform.
Maybe you taking some responsibility for this relieved some of the pressure off of him and now he can perform.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Try not to over think. I do it too. GO WITH IT.
And pay careful attention to this sudden improvement. Perhaps things were bothering him on a deep level hon. This may be the start of his feeling liberated and able to talk to you and let you know you aren't perfect (no one is) and therefore, he can be REAL with you. He sounds like he has been longing for that.
I think you are well on your way and I'm very happy for you!
And pay careful attention to this sudden improvement. Perhaps things were bothering him on a deep level hon. This may be the start of his feeling liberated and able to talk to you and let you know you aren't perfect (no one is) and therefore, he can be REAL with you. He sounds like he has been longing for that.
I think you are well on your way and I'm very happy for you!
My thinking is that one or two days has not, and will not, fix everything for him.
He is just glad there has been a breakthrough, and is not thinking beyond that point. That's fine--no biggie. But now is the time when the real work begins. It's a process, not abracadabra. Counseling will surely help, even if it simply helps you help him.
From all you've said, he has no 'mechanical' problems, so it's a question of the relationship you two have. Get the help you need so you don't come across as mommy. Not saying you want that (ugh), but if that's how he perceives it, no wonder he has shunned intimacy. Think of the alternative!
I know you are very results-oriented, but give things time as you work them out. As I said above, Rome wasn't built in a day.
He is just glad there has been a breakthrough, and is not thinking beyond that point. That's fine--no biggie. But now is the time when the real work begins. It's a process, not abracadabra. Counseling will surely help, even if it simply helps you help him.
From all you've said, he has no 'mechanical' problems, so it's a question of the relationship you two have. Get the help you need so you don't come across as mommy. Not saying you want that (ugh), but if that's how he perceives it, no wonder he has shunned intimacy. Think of the alternative!
I know you are very results-oriented, but give things time as you work them out. As I said above, Rome wasn't built in a day.
That you everyone! I will take that advice. I am going to look into it and see what my insurance will cover.
I still over think things. Even though our weekend was fabulous, I still question why suddenly he had no problem with an erection. One or two days of me simply acknowledging that I could improve how I treat him fixed all his issues?
Even with the over thinking, I am still a very happy girl!
I still over think things. Even though our weekend was fabulous, I still question why suddenly he had no problem with an erection. One or two days of me simply acknowledging that I could improve how I treat him fixed all his issues?
Even with the over thinking, I am still a very happy girl!
You sound like one happy woman......... :))))))))
Agree with NH.............good idea.
Agree with NH.............good idea.
I'm really glad to hear that you found the survey, and allowed your husband to open up and be honest about how he feels about your dynamic.
GREAT JOB. I respect that you haven't shown any defensiveness either, to him or here on the thread.
I'm thinking that although he is resistant to the idea of marriage counseling, right now, that he is receptive to you working towards better communication. If it were me I would probably go myself to a counselor with my marriage in mind. If your husband sees that there is nothing to be defensive about, and that the therapy seems to be adding to the marriage (in your actions) he might involve himself at some point.
I'm so glad to hear that obvious changes are taking place, due to your hard work. You should be proud. Not everyone would be able to consider how their actions can change a dynamic, instead of placing all the expectations on their partner. He's a lucky man.
GREAT JOB. I respect that you haven't shown any defensiveness either, to him or here on the thread.
I'm thinking that although he is resistant to the idea of marriage counseling, right now, that he is receptive to you working towards better communication. If it were me I would probably go myself to a counselor with my marriage in mind. If your husband sees that there is nothing to be defensive about, and that the therapy seems to be adding to the marriage (in your actions) he might involve himself at some point.
I'm so glad to hear that obvious changes are taking place, due to your hard work. You should be proud. Not everyone would be able to consider how their actions can change a dynamic, instead of placing all the expectations on their partner. He's a lucky man.
Sooooo....... Yesterday was his first day home after being away for work this week. We both played hookie from work all afternoon and guess what we did???? lol
Thanks everyone!!
I think this is really the start of something!!
Thanks everyone!!
I think this is really the start of something!!
I am glad he was receptive. I was afraid he was going to shut down and that would be it. Ideally, it is best to address these issues with a therapist, but that won't be possible for you to do. I am shocked he didn't shut down.
And yes, he can improve too. It won't be easy to implement the changes, but with persistence this is possible.
The more I read your posts the more I thought this might be a case of emasculation.
Sounds like you are finally getting somewhere, but I still think if therapy ever became an option please do it.
And yes, he can improve too. It won't be easy to implement the changes, but with persistence this is possible.
The more I read your posts the more I thought this might be a case of emasculation.
Sounds like you are finally getting somewhere, but I still think if therapy ever became an option please do it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Listen, I think you've made terrific progress. I think one of the hardest things to do is to allow another to be totally honest with us. Being a fly on the wall of the brain (huh? well, you know what I mean) is something most would never be willing to do because it makes us completely aware of where we may be 'messing' up a tiny bit. (hey, we all do).
HEARING and taking in what he said is critical. Did he confirm the same things you thought you might do on the list? So, now this is where the hard part for you comes in . . . act on this. You'll have to break some old patterns and habits.
But you are right . . . this could lead to a much happier future with him!
Honestly, I'm pretty happy for this progress!! Aren't you? :>)))
HEARING and taking in what he said is critical. Did he confirm the same things you thought you might do on the list? So, now this is where the hard part for you comes in . . . act on this. You'll have to break some old patterns and habits.
But you are right . . . this could lead to a much happier future with him!
Honestly, I'm pretty happy for this progress!! Aren't you? :>)))
He was really good about it. He didn't present it to me as criticism. He was very fair about it and we were able to talk out some of the scenarios. Some of the reasons that I have this type of response is instigated by areas that he too can improve on, and he agreed. So, this was a positive thing an hopefully will lead to some overall improvements in our relationship.
Well now, it's loud and clear, the issues are out on the table, so I think this exercise was wise, if somewhat painful for you. I don't know whether or not you actually deserve so much criticism, but he thinks so and that's important.
Did you comment on any of these when you went through them? Or is what you've written above your only response? I would wait a while before discussing these if you haven't already. You will have time to think them through thoroughly and see how they apply to you specifically. Also, of course, specifically how you will rectify them.
It does seem that you project to him that he is pretty incompetent in a lot of areas. If he is just hopeless at home projects, don't set him up for failure by asking him to do any. If it's not something he can easily do himself, then pay someone else. It doesn't have to be the way your family did it. Do ask your husband to do other things, maybe grocery shopping? You could always go together a few times when you comment casually why you like one product more than another, but ask him which he likes too.
In general, latching on to what he does well and emphasizing those things, always in a low key way will help. At some point have a talk about all of this again. He is sure to notice your efforts and have kind words about them. But you too are entitled to ask for what you need from him. This doesn't necessarily translate directly to sex. If he becomes more assertive within your relationship, the physical part is likely to follow.
Once again I emphasize that change takes time. I think the lines of communication are open enough so that this situation can be resolved in a happy way. Best of luck with this.
Did you comment on any of these when you went through them? Or is what you've written above your only response? I would wait a while before discussing these if you haven't already. You will have time to think them through thoroughly and see how they apply to you specifically. Also, of course, specifically how you will rectify them.
It does seem that you project to him that he is pretty incompetent in a lot of areas. If he is just hopeless at home projects, don't set him up for failure by asking him to do any. If it's not something he can easily do himself, then pay someone else. It doesn't have to be the way your family did it. Do ask your husband to do other things, maybe grocery shopping? You could always go together a few times when you comment casually why you like one product more than another, but ask him which he likes too.
In general, latching on to what he does well and emphasizing those things, always in a low key way will help. At some point have a talk about all of this again. He is sure to notice your efforts and have kind words about them. But you too are entitled to ask for what you need from him. This doesn't necessarily translate directly to sex. If he becomes more assertive within your relationship, the physical part is likely to follow.
Once again I emphasize that change takes time. I think the lines of communication are open enough so that this situation can be resolved in a happy way. Best of luck with this.
He was very receptive to reviewing that list and telling me what I do wrong. That sounds like maybe he was harsh about it, but he wasn't. He actually gave me exactly what I give him. He was very matter of fact, to the point, effectively communicating to me examples of how some of the items on the list apply to me.
#1 You take over. Don’t push him aside and take over a conversation or an argument from him, especially because you believe he’s not arguing his case well enough. The fact that you intervened and cut him away from the argument would make him believe you think he can’t stand up for himself.
(I don't necessarily do the example above, but for example, if he is loading the dish washer wrong, I just step in and take over. )
#4 Tell him he’s a wimp. Don’t call your man a coward just because he couldn’t confront someone or couldn’t deal with a situation. Instead, reason with him and converse with him about what the better action could have been, while empathizing with him at the same time.
(I don't flat out call him a wimp, but I point out and possibly step in when he won't stand up for himself or is being taken advantage of.)
#6 Talk about his flaws. If there are flaws about your guy that you need to confront, talk about it in private, and never in front of his friends or your friends. Talking about his weaknesses in front of others would anger him and make him withdraw from you emotionally.
(Never in front of others, so I guess he chose this one to account for me trying to discuss things that need improvement, but always between us and us alone. )
#7 “I knew you wouldn’t be able to do it”. Hearing this line from a woman he loves feels like a painful low blow on his crotch. And the worst part is that he can’t even argue his case himself because he’s failed in your eyes and he knows it.
(This is a biggie. He is not handy in the least. He once drove our car around with no oil and had no idea that the engine tapping was a bad thing. There have been more projects that he has made into bigger messes than I count, so I have learned to not even ask him to do it. I usually turn to my Dad instead. He has very little faith in himself too. Just this past week, we blew a breaker and he spent 2 minutes looking at it before he got pissed off and came upstairs frustrated and yelling saying we need to call an electrician. I knew it couldn't possibly be anything that major so I grabbed him and said calm down, go back down there and looks at all the breakers, one must have been tripped. Just take a second look. He did, and in another 2 minutes he found it and the power was back on. I would also like to add that he is happy to not be asked to do projects. He would rather not be involved. My Dad has tried to teach him things, and he spends the entire time feeling like its more of a chore. Really no one in his family are handy. They all pay people to do things for them. My family is made of the people that get paid to do things for others. I guess we grew up differently that way. )
#10 Criticize or downplay his achievements. Does your man proudly announce his achievements to you, however small they may be? And if he does, how do you respond to it? With a pat on his back and a big smile, or with a “oh, don’t worry, I’m sure you can do better next time”? Downplaying even his smallest achievements would only make him more distant from you
(I have to admit, I have so much on my mind all the time, that I show little interest in his stories from work/ or sports he plays. )
#11 Yelling at him. Yelling at your man is acceptable, but only if he’s a yeller himself who can argue his case. But if your guy isn’t a yeller himself, you’d only scare him and make him whimper away to a corner
(We both are capable of yelling at one another. In the 10 or so years we have been together, there have only been a few true screaming matches. I guess I the yelling that he is trying to describe here is more me scolding. I know, terrible, I have to work on that)
#12 You make him feel like a failure. You may not say anything directly to him. But for some reason or another, or by your actions, if your man starts to think that you think he’s not good enough, he would surely feel emasculated by that thought.
( He said this is a big one because he always feels like he disappoints me)
#1 You take over. Don’t push him aside and take over a conversation or an argument from him, especially because you believe he’s not arguing his case well enough. The fact that you intervened and cut him away from the argument would make him believe you think he can’t stand up for himself.
(I don't necessarily do the example above, but for example, if he is loading the dish washer wrong, I just step in and take over. )
#4 Tell him he’s a wimp. Don’t call your man a coward just because he couldn’t confront someone or couldn’t deal with a situation. Instead, reason with him and converse with him about what the better action could have been, while empathizing with him at the same time.
(I don't flat out call him a wimp, but I point out and possibly step in when he won't stand up for himself or is being taken advantage of.)
#6 Talk about his flaws. If there are flaws about your guy that you need to confront, talk about it in private, and never in front of his friends or your friends. Talking about his weaknesses in front of others would anger him and make him withdraw from you emotionally.
(Never in front of others, so I guess he chose this one to account for me trying to discuss things that need improvement, but always between us and us alone. )
#7 “I knew you wouldn’t be able to do it”. Hearing this line from a woman he loves feels like a painful low blow on his crotch. And the worst part is that he can’t even argue his case himself because he’s failed in your eyes and he knows it.
(This is a biggie. He is not handy in the least. He once drove our car around with no oil and had no idea that the engine tapping was a bad thing. There have been more projects that he has made into bigger messes than I count, so I have learned to not even ask him to do it. I usually turn to my Dad instead. He has very little faith in himself too. Just this past week, we blew a breaker and he spent 2 minutes looking at it before he got pissed off and came upstairs frustrated and yelling saying we need to call an electrician. I knew it couldn't possibly be anything that major so I grabbed him and said calm down, go back down there and looks at all the breakers, one must have been tripped. Just take a second look. He did, and in another 2 minutes he found it and the power was back on. I would also like to add that he is happy to not be asked to do projects. He would rather not be involved. My Dad has tried to teach him things, and he spends the entire time feeling like its more of a chore. Really no one in his family are handy. They all pay people to do things for them. My family is made of the people that get paid to do things for others. I guess we grew up differently that way. )
#10 Criticize or downplay his achievements. Does your man proudly announce his achievements to you, however small they may be? And if he does, how do you respond to it? With a pat on his back and a big smile, or with a “oh, don’t worry, I’m sure you can do better next time”? Downplaying even his smallest achievements would only make him more distant from you
(I have to admit, I have so much on my mind all the time, that I show little interest in his stories from work/ or sports he plays. )
#11 Yelling at him. Yelling at your man is acceptable, but only if he’s a yeller himself who can argue his case. But if your guy isn’t a yeller himself, you’d only scare him and make him whimper away to a corner
(We both are capable of yelling at one another. In the 10 or so years we have been together, there have only been a few true screaming matches. I guess I the yelling that he is trying to describe here is more me scolding. I know, terrible, I have to work on that)
#12 You make him feel like a failure. You may not say anything directly to him. But for some reason or another, or by your actions, if your man starts to think that you think he’s not good enough, he would surely feel emasculated by that thought.
( He said this is a big one because he always feels like he disappoints me)
Well, since therapy isn't an option hopefully you can use what info you found here helpful.
Keep us posted.
All the best.
Keep us posted.
All the best.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I'm certainly glad the poster appreciated the posts as she states! Hopefully my comments will be impactful and help the situation. luck to the poster.
I do know that this thread has more than 60 posts, how could I not? I've read each one, starting when there were only a handful.
Just putting in my own $.02 as another point of view, and am glad it has cheered the OP a bit. I thought she could use it.
Just putting in my own $.02 as another point of view, and am glad it has cheered the OP a bit. I thought she could use it.
Thank you Essdipity! I appreciate your supportive and kind words. Everyone who has chimed in here has good intentions and has provided at least some valuable insight on where we should go from here.
I like your suggestion to let my feminine side show this weekend and just have a no pressure, relaxing weekend. I need to learn that this is not an analytical problem for me to "solve".. just let it happen with time and some subtle changes in my attitude toward him.
I like your suggestion to let my feminine side show this weekend and just have a no pressure, relaxing weekend. I need to learn that this is not an analytical problem for me to "solve".. just let it happen with time and some subtle changes in my attitude toward him.
Thank you for all your support and advice. I have been coming back looking for guidance because I do value all of the suggestions and opinions. I know that everyone involved is here to help.
You hit the nail on the head with this one below
"Just some time to be a COUPLE rather than teammates, coparents, co owners of a home, etc. "
We struggle to make that work for us. Even when given the opportunity to have time to ourselves. It often becomes centered around those other roles we play in our relationship (that you mentioned above). Being the COUPLE that I crave from years ago is such a challenge, but I want it SOOOOO bad.
You hit the nail on the head with this one below
"Just some time to be a COUPLE rather than teammates, coparents, co owners of a home, etc. "
We struggle to make that work for us. Even when given the opportunity to have time to ourselves. It often becomes centered around those other roles we play in our relationship (that you mentioned above). Being the COUPLE that I crave from years ago is such a challenge, but I want it SOOOOO bad.
I don't think that providing him a resource of information on things that I could be doing wrong and allowing him to communicate from that is trying to have a detailed therapy session. I totally hear what you and specialmom are saying, but after my conversation with him last night, I have a gut feeling that some progress was made. And yes, he executes what I put in motion, errands, our child's activities our personal schedules. That doesn't mean that he will agree to therapy. I asked him about that last night and he was against it. So as of this moment, I don't see that being a viable option, unless I force him into it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
This thread has been going on for quite some time. There was not a 'suggestion' that she is the problem. However, there could be a dynamic in place causing the effect that she wrote to us about. My goal is to help and sometimes that involves just letting someone vent, sometimes it involves encouraging someone and backing them up and sometimes it involves brutal honesty. There are 65 posts here to HELP the poster and she probably wouldn't continue to return if she didn't find value in the words. :>)
Anyway, TO our poster: don't be bummed. I do think dialogue in general is a good thing for couples and you being open to this possibility is a great thing. I just worry that if you are dealing with a bit of a bruised ego, it brings even MORE attention to things and might make him shut down more. He's going to tell you that he likes it the way it is. And most likely, on some level he does. But maybe a tiny part of him does not. And THAT is the part that I would give the boost to without really making a big deal out of it.
Does that make sense?
I'm never going to say it is wrong for a couple to communicate but sometimes it is best to just give something a try and see how they respond. I do this with my own husband. He was crabby. Which I didn't appreciate. Rather then my then getting irritated and crabby in return, I just gave him a hug. He LOVED that and lightened up a bit. I just did it without analyzing it and then when in a little better place (neither crabby) we can talk about what is going on in life that is making him crabby. Another loose analogy. :>)
Anyway, hang in there. I really like how you are trying so hard to improve this relationship. You're sticking with it. I am hoping it gets back on track!
It does concern me a little that a date night for the two of you turns into the two of you messing with your phones. maybe make date night shorter. :>) Like a drink right after work before you go home (if you have a sitter, you know what I mean). Just some time to be a COUPLE rather than teammates, coparents, co owners of a home, etc.
My world view is that this helps a little bit. good luck
Anyway, TO our poster: don't be bummed. I do think dialogue in general is a good thing for couples and you being open to this possibility is a great thing. I just worry that if you are dealing with a bit of a bruised ego, it brings even MORE attention to things and might make him shut down more. He's going to tell you that he likes it the way it is. And most likely, on some level he does. But maybe a tiny part of him does not. And THAT is the part that I would give the boost to without really making a big deal out of it.
Does that make sense?
I'm never going to say it is wrong for a couple to communicate but sometimes it is best to just give something a try and see how they respond. I do this with my own husband. He was crabby. Which I didn't appreciate. Rather then my then getting irritated and crabby in return, I just gave him a hug. He LOVED that and lightened up a bit. I just did it without analyzing it and then when in a little better place (neither crabby) we can talk about what is going on in life that is making him crabby. Another loose analogy. :>)
Anyway, hang in there. I really like how you are trying so hard to improve this relationship. You're sticking with it. I am hoping it gets back on track!
It does concern me a little that a date night for the two of you turns into the two of you messing with your phones. maybe make date night shorter. :>) Like a drink right after work before you go home (if you have a sitter, you know what I mean). Just some time to be a COUPLE rather than teammates, coparents, co owners of a home, etc.
My world view is that this helps a little bit. good luck
Oh my goodness. No one suggested that! I just stated you should take a peek at some articles online NOT try to have a detailed therapy session with him. See what I mean by taking it down a peg? This poor man probably feels like he is being interrogated. And you have sent him an email......oh no. Please stop while you are ahead.
Since he always executes what you put into action get THERAPY on board ASAP.
This relationship is screaming for balance. He is a MAN and I bet if you start treating him like one he would adjust to the responsibility is supposed to have in the first place.
QUIT these dialogues with him and get the proper tools on how to communicate more effectively with him through THERAPY.
DITTO, DITTO AND DITTO SM.
Since he always executes what you put into action get THERAPY on board ASAP.
This relationship is screaming for balance. He is a MAN and I bet if you start treating him like one he would adjust to the responsibility is supposed to have in the first place.
QUIT these dialogues with him and get the proper tools on how to communicate more effectively with him through THERAPY.
DITTO, DITTO AND DITTO SM.
Gosh, it must be a bit overwhelming to be loaded with advice, nearly all saying you are the cause of this problem. This may be true, I don't know, but in any case I commend you for not being even slightly defensive. You simply want things to change and will try all reasonable approaches to accomplish that. Good for you!
I am suggesting that change takes time, andthere's no magic wand. Now you have lots of new thoughts to consider, so perhaps chew on them a bit. Give yourself some credit here, you deserve it. While all this is perking, be gentle with your husband and let your more feminine characteristics show. Make plans to do something fun this weekend, no pressure. Relax a little. Despite your really good organizational skills and head-on approach to problem-solving, Rome wasn't built in a day. Your consciousness has been raised, and I believe you're headed for success.
I am suggesting that change takes time, andthere's no magic wand. Now you have lots of new thoughts to consider, so perhaps chew on them a bit. Give yourself some credit here, you deserve it. While all this is perking, be gentle with your husband and let your more feminine characteristics show. Make plans to do something fun this weekend, no pressure. Relax a little. Despite your really good organizational skills and head-on approach to problem-solving, Rome wasn't built in a day. Your consciousness has been raised, and I believe you're headed for success.
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