Sexless Marriage

[beyondfrustrated2]

I am seriously considering leaving my marriage. I know my husband is a good man with a kind heart, but there is a great divide in our sex life. We have been together about 10 years We have a 5 year old daughter. As is typical, in the beginning of our relationship, things were hot. Sex was frequent and amazing.. It would be easy to presume that once our daughter was born, the flames subsided. That is not the case. Those flames started to dwindle down before I even became pregnant. I was vocal about my concerns and he would make excuses. Excuses varied from fear of getting me pregnant to his own insecurities of being over weight. Jump ahead 9 months. Our daughter was born. Sex life only continued to dwindle down. I got an IUD implanted so another pregnancy would not be a fear. We both gained quite a bit of weight, but we were happy. We enjoyed our daughter. Eventually, I started to get frustrated and voiced my concerns about the lack of sex. His selfishness when sex would happen. I explained that I don't expect to orgasm every single time we have sex, but when sex is only once ever 2-3 months, It had better count.
I would let him know that I had come to the resolve that I am just a much more sexual person than he is and he was not keeping up with me. After we would have these talks he would promise me that we will work on it, and that things will get better. Usually they would for a few weeks and then fall right back into a rut routine.  I must also add that during this time, he stopped touching me, kissing me, embracing me, flirting with me and even complimenting me. There was literally no spark between us. By now, we were also planning our wedding. I remember numerous conversations with him where I expressed my worry that I was marrying into a sexless, unaffectionate relationship. He assured me (as he had before) that things would change. . As usual, they did briefly, but nothing earth shattering. We got Married.... My new husband didn't even have sex with me on my wedding night..... Enough said, right?  I should have run while I still could. We are married.. We have spurts of good, consistent sex, but only after I have to ask for it and complain that we are in a rut.  During all these conversations he would have varying excuses, some of them re-hashed. Weight, being tired, our daughter being in the house but eventually a new excuse came about. He confessed to me that he felt he didn't have a strong erection. That he had felt a change where his penis didn't get as hard anymore. I was floored. I hadn't noticed anything. I was content with his erection during sex. I didn't notice a change. I tried to assure him that I was satisfied with him and my only complaint was that he didn't give me enough of it. That I wanted more of what he had to give. He remained unaffectionate and unable to even reach out and touch me unless prompted to do so. I sit here and write this painfully reminded that I wish my husband would just reach out and grab my *** some time. It never happens.  I also want to highlight a point in time that really stands out to me. We both lost a lot of weight. We had a complete lifestyle change. We looked great, we felt better and gained confidence. You would think we would have banged each others brains out, right?  Nope. that whole period of time, over 6 months, no sex. He never even touched me. I made a point of not reaching out to him to see how long he would go without. After 6 plus months, I finally started a conversation asking what was missing from our relationship? He mentioned sex but had no explanation as to why there had been such a lull.   After that, I tried a new approach, I tried to get him to talk about it as much as possible. I wanted him to tell me his fantasies, his desires, to confess to me what really turns him on.  He had no answer for me. He could not tell me he likes legs in heels, or girls in thongs or porn or girl on girl, or sex toys, or sex in inappropriate places, or tying each other up, or a specific sex position or a certain place he liked to be touched or really any naughty thing he would like me to do, other than a **.  That's all I got from him. He likes **'s. I actually did already know that. I would do it for him whenever asked, but he never asks.  So, I decided to take things into my own hands (almost literally) and I ordered some sex toys. I asked him to look at the website and pick something out. He was unable to do so. Couldn't find a single thing he was interested in. He told me to order what I wanted so I did. That package is still in his top dresser drawer, unopened. That is where he put it when I handed it to him to look at. I know he knows its there but he avoids it like the plague. When I bring it up, his only response is that he doesn't want to be replaced by a toy. I am baffled by this because I make it clear to him that I would prefer him every time, but he wont give himself to me. So Ill jump ahead to this past Valentines Day. We had sex twice that weekend. WooHoo!!!  But to my dismay, it was all about him. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. No climax for me. Last one before that was Thanksgiving night. I remember because for once, it was amazing. For once, completely unprompted, he took me in his mouth and ran his tongue over my clit until I came. I came hard. It was good. Thank god it was good, because apparently it had to last. So back to Valentines Day. Sex twice... No orgasm for me. No attention to my clit. No hands on me for foreplay. Just in, and out. 10 minutes tops. At least he got me flowers, right?   So lastly, this week, I started a text conversation with him to open a dialog that would hopefully jump start us again. He drops a bomb on me. He feels he has a medical problem. No just a weak erection, but sometimes the inability to even get an erection. He tells me that there were past instances when he wanted to reach out and touch me and had the desire to have sex but that it was a "No-Go"...  He feels that those couple instances are what is deterring him now. He is afraid it will happen again. He stressed that just having this conversation was embarrassing and that he didn't have the courage to see a doctor.  I had no idea what to say except to ensure him that he should never be embarrassed with me, that he can tell me anything. I asked him to let me try and help him the best I could. Through the day, I tried to flirt with him telling him that when he got home, there was a ** waiting for him. He got his ** that night. No, reciprocation for me. But that's ok, we are working on him. While he was asleep that night, I snuck my hand down his boxers and played a bit. No trouble with an erection popping up there. That morning I made sure to check, morning wood popped up. I had several more conversations reminding him that I have been waiting since November (remember, that amazing oral sex on Thanksgiving? ).  He swears he knows. He swears he will take care of me, but here we are, Wednesday. He has yet to put a hand on me. He has yet to kiss me. He has yet to even look me in the eyes and say he loves me. I write this in tears because I have myself convinced that its not him, its me. I don't turn him on. He is not attracted to me. When a man is attracted to a woman, he reaches out and touches her, he gets caught looking at her. He tells her how beautiful she is. I get none of that from him and I am fading. See its not just about the physical intimacy, there is very little emotional intimacy. We love our daughter, we parent very well together. We work well as team, we make each other laugh. He is kind. We mostly argue only over unimportant things. Where we fail so tragically is in that spark. We lost it. We have rekindled it briefly and lost it again. Its just not there anymore and I don't think its normal to have to work so hard at keeping it there. I feel like it should come naturally.  I am lost. He is lost. I am frustrated, lonely and horny and feel like I have no where to turn for answers.

[beyondfrustrated2]

Thank you Essdipity!  I appreciate your supportive and kind words.  Everyone who has chimed in here has good intentions and has provided at least some valuable insight on where we should go from here.

I like your suggestion to let my feminine side show this weekend and just have a no pressure, relaxing weekend.   I need to learn that this is not an analytical problem for me to "solve".. just let it happen with time and some subtle changes in my attitude toward him.

[beyondfrustrated2]

Thank you for all your support and advice. I have been coming back looking for guidance because I do value all of the suggestions and opinions. I know that everyone involved is here to help.

You hit the nail on the head with this one below

"Just some time to be a COUPLE rather than teammates, coparents, co owners of a home, etc. "

We struggle to make that work for us. Even when given the opportunity to have time to ourselves. It often becomes centered around those other roles we play in our relationship (that you mentioned above).  Being the COUPLE that I crave from years ago is such a challenge, but I want it SOOOOO bad.

[beyondfrustrated2]

I don't think that providing him a resource of information on things that I could be doing wrong and allowing him to communicate from that is trying to have a detailed therapy session.  I totally hear what you and specialmom are saying, but after my conversation with him last night, I have a gut feeling that some progress was made.  And yes, he executes what I put in motion, errands, our child's activities our personal schedules. That doesn't mean that he will agree to therapy. I asked him about that last night and he was against it.  So as of this moment, I don't see that being a viable option, unless I force him into it.

[specialmom]

This thread has been going on for quite some time.  There was not a 'suggestion' that she is the problem.  However, there could be a dynamic in place causing the effect that she wrote to us about.  My goal is to help and sometimes that involves just letting someone vent, sometimes it involves encouraging someone and backing them up and sometimes it involves brutal honesty.  There are 65 posts here to HELP the poster and she probably wouldn't continue to return if she didn't find value in the words.  :>)  

Anyway, TO our poster:  don't be bummed.  I do think dialogue in general is a good thing for couples and you being open to this possibility is a great thing.  I just worry that if you are dealing with a bit of a bruised ego, it brings even MORE attention to things and might make him shut down more.  He's going to tell you that he likes it the way it is.  And most likely, on some level he does.  But maybe a tiny part of him does not.  And THAT is the part that I would give the boost to without really making a big deal out of it.  

Does that make sense?  

I'm never going to say it is wrong for a couple to communicate but sometimes it is best to just give something a try and see how they respond.  I do this with my own husband.  He was crabby.  Which I didn't appreciate.  Rather then my then getting irritated and crabby in return, I just gave him a hug.  He LOVED that and lightened up a bit.  I just did it without analyzing it and then when in a little better place (neither crabby) we can talk about what is going on in life that is making him crabby.  Another loose analogy.  :>)  

Anyway, hang in there.  I really like how you are trying so hard to improve this relationship.  You're sticking with it.  I am hoping it gets back on track!

It does concern me a little that a date night for the two of you turns into the two of you messing with your phones.  maybe make date night shorter.  :>)  Like a drink right after work before you go home (if you have a sitter, you know what I mean).  Just some time to be a COUPLE rather than teammates, coparents, co owners of a home, etc.  

My world view is that this helps a little bit.  good luck

[Londres70]

Oh my goodness.  No one suggested that!  I just stated you should take a peek at some articles online NOT try to have a detailed therapy session with him.  See what I mean by taking it down a peg?  This poor man probably feels like he is being interrogated.  And you have sent him an email......oh no.  Please stop while you are ahead.

Since he always executes what you put into action get THERAPY on board ASAP.

This relationship is screaming for balance.  He is a MAN and I bet if you start treating him like one he would adjust to the responsibility is supposed to have in the first place.

QUIT these dialogues with him and get the proper tools on how to communicate more effectively with him through THERAPY.  

DITTO, DITTO AND DITTO SM.

[essdipity]

Gosh, it must be a bit overwhelming to be loaded with advice, nearly all saying you are the cause of this problem. This may be true, I don't know, but in any case I commend you for not being even slightly defensive. You simply want things to change and will try all reasonable approaches to accomplish that. Good for you!

I am suggesting that change takes time, andthere's no magic wand. Now you have lots of new thoughts to consider, so perhaps chew on them a bit. Give yourself some credit here, you deserve it. While all this is perking, be gentle with your husband and let your more feminine characteristics show. Make plans to do something fun this weekend, no pressure. Relax a little. Despite your really good organizational skills and head-on approach to problem-solving, Rome wasn't built in a day. Your consciousness has been raised, and I believe you're headed for success.