Sexless Marriage

[beyondfrustrated2]

I am seriously considering leaving my marriage. I know my husband is a good man with a kind heart, but there is a great divide in our sex life. We have been together about 10 years We have a 5 year old daughter. As is typical, in the beginning of our relationship, things were hot. Sex was frequent and amazing.. It would be easy to presume that once our daughter was born, the flames subsided. That is not the case. Those flames started to dwindle down before I even became pregnant. I was vocal about my concerns and he would make excuses. Excuses varied from fear of getting me pregnant to his own insecurities of being over weight. Jump ahead 9 months. Our daughter was born. Sex life only continued to dwindle down. I got an IUD implanted so another pregnancy would not be a fear. We both gained quite a bit of weight, but we were happy. We enjoyed our daughter. Eventually, I started to get frustrated and voiced my concerns about the lack of sex. His selfishness when sex would happen. I explained that I don't expect to orgasm every single time we have sex, but when sex is only once ever 2-3 months, It had better count.
I would let him know that I had come to the resolve that I am just a much more sexual person than he is and he was not keeping up with me. After we would have these talks he would promise me that we will work on it, and that things will get better. Usually they would for a few weeks and then fall right back into a rut routine.  I must also add that during this time, he stopped touching me, kissing me, embracing me, flirting with me and even complimenting me. There was literally no spark between us. By now, we were also planning our wedding. I remember numerous conversations with him where I expressed my worry that I was marrying into a sexless, unaffectionate relationship. He assured me (as he had before) that things would change. . As usual, they did briefly, but nothing earth shattering. We got Married.... My new husband didn't even have sex with me on my wedding night..... Enough said, right?  I should have run while I still could. We are married.. We have spurts of good, consistent sex, but only after I have to ask for it and complain that we are in a rut.  During all these conversations he would have varying excuses, some of them re-hashed. Weight, being tired, our daughter being in the house but eventually a new excuse came about. He confessed to me that he felt he didn't have a strong erection. That he had felt a change where his penis didn't get as hard anymore. I was floored. I hadn't noticed anything. I was content with his erection during sex. I didn't notice a change. I tried to assure him that I was satisfied with him and my only complaint was that he didn't give me enough of it. That I wanted more of what he had to give. He remained unaffectionate and unable to even reach out and touch me unless prompted to do so. I sit here and write this painfully reminded that I wish my husband would just reach out and grab my *** some time. It never happens.  I also want to highlight a point in time that really stands out to me. We both lost a lot of weight. We had a complete lifestyle change. We looked great, we felt better and gained confidence. You would think we would have banged each others brains out, right?  Nope. that whole period of time, over 6 months, no sex. He never even touched me. I made a point of not reaching out to him to see how long he would go without. After 6 plus months, I finally started a conversation asking what was missing from our relationship? He mentioned sex but had no explanation as to why there had been such a lull.   After that, I tried a new approach, I tried to get him to talk about it as much as possible. I wanted him to tell me his fantasies, his desires, to confess to me what really turns him on.  He had no answer for me. He could not tell me he likes legs in heels, or girls in thongs or porn or girl on girl, or sex toys, or sex in inappropriate places, or tying each other up, or a specific sex position or a certain place he liked to be touched or really any naughty thing he would like me to do, other than a **.  That's all I got from him. He likes **'s. I actually did already know that. I would do it for him whenever asked, but he never asks.  So, I decided to take things into my own hands (almost literally) and I ordered some sex toys. I asked him to look at the website and pick something out. He was unable to do so. Couldn't find a single thing he was interested in. He told me to order what I wanted so I did. That package is still in his top dresser drawer, unopened. That is where he put it when I handed it to him to look at. I know he knows its there but he avoids it like the plague. When I bring it up, his only response is that he doesn't want to be replaced by a toy. I am baffled by this because I make it clear to him that I would prefer him every time, but he wont give himself to me. So Ill jump ahead to this past Valentines Day. We had sex twice that weekend. WooHoo!!!  But to my dismay, it was all about him. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. No climax for me. Last one before that was Thanksgiving night. I remember because for once, it was amazing. For once, completely unprompted, he took me in his mouth and ran his tongue over my clit until I came. I came hard. It was good. Thank god it was good, because apparently it had to last. So back to Valentines Day. Sex twice... No orgasm for me. No attention to my clit. No hands on me for foreplay. Just in, and out. 10 minutes tops. At least he got me flowers, right?   So lastly, this week, I started a text conversation with him to open a dialog that would hopefully jump start us again. He drops a bomb on me. He feels he has a medical problem. No just a weak erection, but sometimes the inability to even get an erection. He tells me that there were past instances when he wanted to reach out and touch me and had the desire to have sex but that it was a "No-Go"...  He feels that those couple instances are what is deterring him now. He is afraid it will happen again. He stressed that just having this conversation was embarrassing and that he didn't have the courage to see a doctor.  I had no idea what to say except to ensure him that he should never be embarrassed with me, that he can tell me anything. I asked him to let me try and help him the best I could. Through the day, I tried to flirt with him telling him that when he got home, there was a ** waiting for him. He got his ** that night. No, reciprocation for me. But that's ok, we are working on him. While he was asleep that night, I snuck my hand down his boxers and played a bit. No trouble with an erection popping up there. That morning I made sure to check, morning wood popped up. I had several more conversations reminding him that I have been waiting since November (remember, that amazing oral sex on Thanksgiving? ).  He swears he knows. He swears he will take care of me, but here we are, Wednesday. He has yet to put a hand on me. He has yet to kiss me. He has yet to even look me in the eyes and say he loves me. I write this in tears because I have myself convinced that its not him, its me. I don't turn him on. He is not attracted to me. When a man is attracted to a woman, he reaches out and touches her, he gets caught looking at her. He tells her how beautiful she is. I get none of that from him and I am fading. See its not just about the physical intimacy, there is very little emotional intimacy. We love our daughter, we parent very well together. We work well as team, we make each other laugh. He is kind. We mostly argue only over unimportant things. Where we fail so tragically is in that spark. We lost it. We have rekindled it briefly and lost it again. Its just not there anymore and I don't think its normal to have to work so hard at keeping it there. I feel like it should come naturally.  I am lost. He is lost. I am frustrated, lonely and horny and feel like I have no where to turn for answers.

[beyondfrustrated2]

He was really good about it. He didn't present it to me as criticism. He was very fair about it and we were able to talk out some of the scenarios. Some of the reasons that I have this type of response is instigated by areas that he too can improve on, and he agreed. So, this was a positive thing an hopefully will lead to some overall improvements in our relationship.

[essdipity]

Well now, it's loud and clear, the issues are out on the table, so I think this exercise was wise, if somewhat painful for you. I don't know whether or not you actually deserve so much criticism, but he thinks so and that's important.

Did you comment on any of these when you went through them? Or is what you've written above your only response? I would wait a while before discussing these if you haven't already. You will have time to think them through thoroughly and see how they apply to you specifically. Also, of course, specifically how you will rectify them.

It does seem that you project to him that he is pretty incompetent in a lot of areas. If he is just hopeless at home projects, don't set him up for failure by asking him to do any. If it's not something he can easily do himself, then pay someone else. It doesn't have to be the way your family did it. Do ask your husband to do other things, maybe grocery shopping? You could always go together a few times when you comment casually why you like one product more than another, but ask him which he likes too.

In general, latching on to what he does well and emphasizing those things, always in a low key way will help. At some point have a talk about all of this again. He is sure to notice your efforts and have kind words about them. But you too are entitled to ask for what you need from him. This doesn't necessarily translate directly to sex. If he becomes more assertive within your relationship, the physical part is likely to follow.

Once again I emphasize that change takes time. I think the lines of communication are open enough so that this situation can be resolved in a happy way. Best of luck with this.

[beyondfrustrated2]

He was very receptive to reviewing that list and telling me what I do wrong. That sounds like maybe he was harsh about it, but he wasn't. He actually gave me exactly what I give him. He was very matter of fact, to the point, effectively communicating to me examples of how some of the items on the list apply to me.

#1 You take over. Don’t push him aside and take over a conversation or an argument from him, especially because you believe he’s not arguing his case well enough. The fact that you intervened and cut him away from the argument would make him believe you think he can’t stand up for himself.

(I don't necessarily do the example above, but for example, if he is loading the dish washer wrong, I just step in and take over. )

#4 Tell him he’s a wimp. Don’t call your man a coward just because he couldn’t confront someone or couldn’t deal with a situation. Instead, reason with him and converse with him about what the better action could have been, while empathizing with him at the same time.  

(I don't flat out call him a wimp, but I point out and possibly step in when he won't stand up for himself or is being taken advantage of.)

#6 Talk about his flaws. If there are flaws about your guy that you need to confront, talk about it in private, and never in front of his friends or your friends. Talking about his weaknesses in front of others would anger him and make him withdraw from you emotionally.  

(Never in front of others, so I guess he chose this one to account for me trying to discuss things that need improvement, but always between us and us alone. )

#7 “I knew you wouldn’t be able to do it”. Hearing this line from a woman he loves feels like a painful low blow on his crotch. And the worst part is that he can’t even argue his case himself because he’s failed in your eyes and he knows it.  

(This is a biggie. He is not handy in the least. He once drove our car around with no oil and had no idea that the engine tapping was a bad thing. There have been more projects that he has made into bigger messes than I count, so I have learned to not even ask him to do it. I usually turn to my Dad instead. He has very little faith in himself too. Just this past week, we blew a breaker and he spent 2 minutes looking at it before he got pissed off and came upstairs frustrated and yelling saying we need to call an electrician. I knew it couldn't possibly be anything that major so I grabbed him and said calm down, go back down there and looks at all the breakers, one must have been tripped. Just take a second look. He did, and in another 2 minutes he found it and the power was back on. I would also like to add that he is happy to not be asked to do projects. He would rather not be involved. My Dad has tried to teach him things, and he spends the entire time feeling like its more of a chore. Really no one in his family are handy. They all pay people to do things for them. My family is made of the people that get paid to do things for others. I guess we grew up differently that way. )

#10 Criticize or downplay his achievements. Does your man proudly announce his achievements to you, however small they may be? And if he does, how do you respond to it? With a pat on his back and a big smile, or with a “oh, don’t worry, I’m sure you can do better next time”? Downplaying even his smallest achievements would only make him more distant from you

(I have to admit, I have so much on my mind all the time, that I show little interest in his stories from work/ or sports he plays. )

#11 Yelling at him. Yelling at your man is acceptable, but only if he’s a yeller himself who can argue his case. But if your guy isn’t a yeller himself, you’d only scare him and make him whimper away to a corner

(We both are capable of yelling at one another. In the 10 or so years we have been together, there have only been a few true screaming matches. I guess I the yelling that he is trying to describe here is more me scolding. I know, terrible, I have to work on that)

#12 You make him feel like a failure. You may not say anything directly to him. But for some reason or another, or by your actions, if your man starts to think that you think he’s not good enough, he would surely feel emasculated by that thought.  

( He said this is a big one because he always feels like he disappoints me)

[Londres70]

Well, since therapy isn't an option hopefully you can use what info you found here helpful.

Keep us posted.  

All the best.

[specialmom]

Well, I'm certainly glad the poster appreciated the posts as she states!  Hopefully my comments will be impactful and help the situation.  luck to the poster.  

[essdipity]

I do know that this thread has more than 60 posts, how could I not? I've read each one, starting when there were only a handful.

Just putting in my own $.02 as another point of view, and am glad it has cheered the OP a bit. I thought she could use it.