Aa
Sexless Marriage
I am seriously considering leaving my marriage. I know my husband is a good man with a kind heart, but there is a great divide in our sex life. We have been together about 10 years We have a 5 year old daughter. As is typical, in the beginning of our relationship, things were hot. Sex was frequent and amazing.. It would be easy to presume that once our daughter was born, the flames subsided. That is not the case. Those flames started to dwindle down before I even became pregnant. I was vocal about my concerns and he would make excuses. Excuses varied from fear of getting me pregnant to his own insecurities of being over weight. Jump ahead 9 months. Our daughter was born. Sex life only continued to dwindle down. I got an IUD implanted so another pregnancy would not be a fear. We both gained quite a bit of weight, but we were happy. We enjoyed our daughter. Eventually, I started to get frustrated and voiced my concerns about the lack of sex. His selfishness when sex would happen. I explained that I don't expect to orgasm every single time we have sex, but when sex is only once ever 2-3 months, It had better count.
I would let him know that I had come to the resolve that I am just a much more sexual person than he is and he was not keeping up with me. After we would have these talks he would promise me that we will work on it, and that things will get better. Usually they would for a few weeks and then fall right back into a rut routine. I must also add that during this time, he stopped touching me, kissing me, embracing me, flirting with me and even complimenting me. There was literally no spark between us. By now, we were also planning our wedding. I remember numerous conversations with him where I expressed my worry that I was marrying into a sexless, unaffectionate relationship. He assured me (as he had before) that things would change. . As usual, they did briefly, but nothing earth shattering. We got Married.... My new husband didn't even have sex with me on my wedding night..... Enough said, right? I should have run while I still could. We are married.. We have spurts of good, consistent sex, but only after I have to ask for it and complain that we are in a rut. During all these conversations he would have varying excuses, some of them re-hashed. Weight, being tired, our daughter being in the house but eventually a new excuse came about. He confessed to me that he felt he didn't have a strong erection. That he had felt a change where his penis didn't get as hard anymore. I was floored. I hadn't noticed anything. I was content with his erection during sex. I didn't notice a change. I tried to assure him that I was satisfied with him and my only complaint was that he didn't give me enough of it. That I wanted more of what he had to give. He remained unaffectionate and unable to even reach out and touch me unless prompted to do so. I sit here and write this painfully reminded that I wish my husband would just reach out and grab my *** some time. It never happens. I also want to highlight a point in time that really stands out to me. We both lost a lot of weight. We had a complete lifestyle change. We looked great, we felt better and gained confidence. You would think we would have banged each others brains out, right? Nope. that whole period of time, over 6 months, no sex. He never even touched me. I made a point of not reaching out to him to see how long he would go without. After 6 plus months, I finally started a conversation asking what was missing from our relationship? He mentioned sex but had no explanation as to why there had been such a lull. After that, I tried a new approach, I tried to get him to talk about it as much as possible. I wanted him to tell me his fantasies, his desires, to confess to me what really turns him on. He had no answer for me. He could not tell me he likes legs in heels, or girls in thongs or porn or girl on girl, or sex toys, or sex in inappropriate places, or tying each other up, or a specific sex position or a certain place he liked to be touched or really any naughty thing he would like me to do, other than a **. That's all I got from him. He likes **'s. I actually did already know that. I would do it for him whenever asked, but he never asks. So, I decided to take things into my own hands (almost literally) and I ordered some sex toys. I asked him to look at the website and pick something out. He was unable to do so. Couldn't find a single thing he was interested in. He told me to order what I wanted so I did. That package is still in his top dresser drawer, unopened. That is where he put it when I handed it to him to look at. I know he knows its there but he avoids it like the plague. When I bring it up, his only response is that he doesn't want to be replaced by a toy. I am baffled by this because I make it clear to him that I would prefer him every time, but he wont give himself to me. So Ill jump ahead to this past Valentines Day. We had sex twice that weekend. WooHoo!!! But to my dismay, it was all about him. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. No climax for me. Last one before that was Thanksgiving night. I remember because for once, it was amazing. For once, completely unprompted, he took me in his mouth and ran his tongue over my clit until I came. I came hard. It was good. Thank god it was good, because apparently it had to last. So back to Valentines Day. Sex twice... No orgasm for me. No attention to my clit. No hands on me for foreplay. Just in, and out. 10 minutes tops. At least he got me flowers, right? So lastly, this week, I started a text conversation with him to open a dialog that would hopefully jump start us again. He drops a bomb on me. He feels he has a medical problem. No just a weak erection, but sometimes the inability to even get an erection. He tells me that there were past instances when he wanted to reach out and touch me and had the desire to have sex but that it was a "No-Go"... He feels that those couple instances are what is deterring him now. He is afraid it will happen again. He stressed that just having this conversation was embarrassing and that he didn't have the courage to see a doctor. I had no idea what to say except to ensure him that he should never be embarrassed with me, that he can tell me anything. I asked him to let me try and help him the best I could. Through the day, I tried to flirt with him telling him that when he got home, there was a ** waiting for him. He got his ** that night. No, reciprocation for me. But that's ok, we are working on him. While he was asleep that night, I snuck my hand down his boxers and played a bit. No trouble with an erection popping up there. That morning I made sure to check, morning wood popped up. I had several more conversations reminding him that I have been waiting since November (remember, that amazing oral sex on Thanksgiving? ). He swears he knows. He swears he will take care of me, but here we are, Wednesday. He has yet to put a hand on me. He has yet to kiss me. He has yet to even look me in the eyes and say he loves me. I write this in tears because I have myself convinced that its not him, its me. I don't turn him on. He is not attracted to me. When a man is attracted to a woman, he reaches out and touches her, he gets caught looking at her. He tells her how beautiful she is. I get none of that from him and I am fading. See its not just about the physical intimacy, there is very little emotional intimacy. We love our daughter, we parent very well together. We work well as team, we make each other laugh. He is kind. We mostly argue only over unimportant things. Where we fail so tragically is in that spark. We lost it. We have rekindled it briefly and lost it again. Its just not there anymore and I don't think its normal to have to work so hard at keeping it there. I feel like it should come naturally. I am lost. He is lost. I am frustrated, lonely and horny and feel like I have no where to turn for answers.
I would let him know that I had come to the resolve that I am just a much more sexual person than he is and he was not keeping up with me. After we would have these talks he would promise me that we will work on it, and that things will get better. Usually they would for a few weeks and then fall right back into a rut routine. I must also add that during this time, he stopped touching me, kissing me, embracing me, flirting with me and even complimenting me. There was literally no spark between us. By now, we were also planning our wedding. I remember numerous conversations with him where I expressed my worry that I was marrying into a sexless, unaffectionate relationship. He assured me (as he had before) that things would change. . As usual, they did briefly, but nothing earth shattering. We got Married.... My new husband didn't even have sex with me on my wedding night..... Enough said, right? I should have run while I still could. We are married.. We have spurts of good, consistent sex, but only after I have to ask for it and complain that we are in a rut. During all these conversations he would have varying excuses, some of them re-hashed. Weight, being tired, our daughter being in the house but eventually a new excuse came about. He confessed to me that he felt he didn't have a strong erection. That he had felt a change where his penis didn't get as hard anymore. I was floored. I hadn't noticed anything. I was content with his erection during sex. I didn't notice a change. I tried to assure him that I was satisfied with him and my only complaint was that he didn't give me enough of it. That I wanted more of what he had to give. He remained unaffectionate and unable to even reach out and touch me unless prompted to do so. I sit here and write this painfully reminded that I wish my husband would just reach out and grab my *** some time. It never happens. I also want to highlight a point in time that really stands out to me. We both lost a lot of weight. We had a complete lifestyle change. We looked great, we felt better and gained confidence. You would think we would have banged each others brains out, right? Nope. that whole period of time, over 6 months, no sex. He never even touched me. I made a point of not reaching out to him to see how long he would go without. After 6 plus months, I finally started a conversation asking what was missing from our relationship? He mentioned sex but had no explanation as to why there had been such a lull. After that, I tried a new approach, I tried to get him to talk about it as much as possible. I wanted him to tell me his fantasies, his desires, to confess to me what really turns him on. He had no answer for me. He could not tell me he likes legs in heels, or girls in thongs or porn or girl on girl, or sex toys, or sex in inappropriate places, or tying each other up, or a specific sex position or a certain place he liked to be touched or really any naughty thing he would like me to do, other than a **. That's all I got from him. He likes **'s. I actually did already know that. I would do it for him whenever asked, but he never asks. So, I decided to take things into my own hands (almost literally) and I ordered some sex toys. I asked him to look at the website and pick something out. He was unable to do so. Couldn't find a single thing he was interested in. He told me to order what I wanted so I did. That package is still in his top dresser drawer, unopened. That is where he put it when I handed it to him to look at. I know he knows its there but he avoids it like the plague. When I bring it up, his only response is that he doesn't want to be replaced by a toy. I am baffled by this because I make it clear to him that I would prefer him every time, but he wont give himself to me. So Ill jump ahead to this past Valentines Day. We had sex twice that weekend. WooHoo!!! But to my dismay, it was all about him. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. No climax for me. Last one before that was Thanksgiving night. I remember because for once, it was amazing. For once, completely unprompted, he took me in his mouth and ran his tongue over my clit until I came. I came hard. It was good. Thank god it was good, because apparently it had to last. So back to Valentines Day. Sex twice... No orgasm for me. No attention to my clit. No hands on me for foreplay. Just in, and out. 10 minutes tops. At least he got me flowers, right? So lastly, this week, I started a text conversation with him to open a dialog that would hopefully jump start us again. He drops a bomb on me. He feels he has a medical problem. No just a weak erection, but sometimes the inability to even get an erection. He tells me that there were past instances when he wanted to reach out and touch me and had the desire to have sex but that it was a "No-Go"... He feels that those couple instances are what is deterring him now. He is afraid it will happen again. He stressed that just having this conversation was embarrassing and that he didn't have the courage to see a doctor. I had no idea what to say except to ensure him that he should never be embarrassed with me, that he can tell me anything. I asked him to let me try and help him the best I could. Through the day, I tried to flirt with him telling him that when he got home, there was a ** waiting for him. He got his ** that night. No, reciprocation for me. But that's ok, we are working on him. While he was asleep that night, I snuck my hand down his boxers and played a bit. No trouble with an erection popping up there. That morning I made sure to check, morning wood popped up. I had several more conversations reminding him that I have been waiting since November (remember, that amazing oral sex on Thanksgiving? ). He swears he knows. He swears he will take care of me, but here we are, Wednesday. He has yet to put a hand on me. He has yet to kiss me. He has yet to even look me in the eyes and say he loves me. I write this in tears because I have myself convinced that its not him, its me. I don't turn him on. He is not attracted to me. When a man is attracted to a woman, he reaches out and touches her, he gets caught looking at her. He tells her how beautiful she is. I get none of that from him and I am fading. See its not just about the physical intimacy, there is very little emotional intimacy. We love our daughter, we parent very well together. We work well as team, we make each other laugh. He is kind. We mostly argue only over unimportant things. Where we fail so tragically is in that spark. We lost it. We have rekindled it briefly and lost it again. Its just not there anymore and I don't think its normal to have to work so hard at keeping it there. I feel like it should come naturally. I am lost. He is lost. I am frustrated, lonely and horny and feel like I have no where to turn for answers.
Best Answer
You mention all the wonderful things you both have in common. Embrace those. Find a way to deal with being horny and enjoy these moments where there is no tragety to separate him from you permanently. There comes a time.
I'm really glad to hear that you found the survey, and allowed your husband to open up and be honest about how he feels about your dynamic.
GREAT JOB. I respect that you haven't shown any defensiveness either, to him or here on the thread.
I'm thinking that although he is resistant to the idea of marriage counseling, right now, that he is receptive to you working towards better communication. If it were me I would probably go myself to a counselor with my marriage in mind. If your husband sees that there is nothing to be defensive about, and that the therapy seems to be adding to the marriage (in your actions) he might involve himself at some point.
I'm so glad to hear that obvious changes are taking place, due to your hard work. You should be proud. Not everyone would be able to consider how their actions can change a dynamic, instead of placing all the expectations on their partner. He's a lucky man.
GREAT JOB. I respect that you haven't shown any defensiveness either, to him or here on the thread.
I'm thinking that although he is resistant to the idea of marriage counseling, right now, that he is receptive to you working towards better communication. If it were me I would probably go myself to a counselor with my marriage in mind. If your husband sees that there is nothing to be defensive about, and that the therapy seems to be adding to the marriage (in your actions) he might involve himself at some point.
I'm so glad to hear that obvious changes are taking place, due to your hard work. You should be proud. Not everyone would be able to consider how their actions can change a dynamic, instead of placing all the expectations on their partner. He's a lucky man.
Sooooo....... Yesterday was his first day home after being away for work this week. We both played hookie from work all afternoon and guess what we did???? lol
Thanks everyone!!
I think this is really the start of something!!
Thanks everyone!!
I think this is really the start of something!!
I am glad he was receptive. I was afraid he was going to shut down and that would be it. Ideally, it is best to address these issues with a therapist, but that won't be possible for you to do. I am shocked he didn't shut down.
And yes, he can improve too. It won't be easy to implement the changes, but with persistence this is possible.
The more I read your posts the more I thought this might be a case of emasculation.
Sounds like you are finally getting somewhere, but I still think if therapy ever became an option please do it.
And yes, he can improve too. It won't be easy to implement the changes, but with persistence this is possible.
The more I read your posts the more I thought this might be a case of emasculation.
Sounds like you are finally getting somewhere, but I still think if therapy ever became an option please do it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Listen, I think you've made terrific progress. I think one of the hardest things to do is to allow another to be totally honest with us. Being a fly on the wall of the brain (huh? well, you know what I mean) is something most would never be willing to do because it makes us completely aware of where we may be 'messing' up a tiny bit. (hey, we all do).
HEARING and taking in what he said is critical. Did he confirm the same things you thought you might do on the list? So, now this is where the hard part for you comes in . . . act on this. You'll have to break some old patterns and habits.
But you are right . . . this could lead to a much happier future with him!
Honestly, I'm pretty happy for this progress!! Aren't you? :>)))
HEARING and taking in what he said is critical. Did he confirm the same things you thought you might do on the list? So, now this is where the hard part for you comes in . . . act on this. You'll have to break some old patterns and habits.
But you are right . . . this could lead to a much happier future with him!
Honestly, I'm pretty happy for this progress!! Aren't you? :>)))
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