I feel like my marriage is beyond repair.

[lola2453]

I need advice.
Please go easy on me, this is really difficult. I know it may sound ridiculous or some people may not understand, but please have some sympathy. I need a friend right now.
My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We just recently had a baby, about a year ago.
My husband has lied and kept things from me ever since I can remember. He slowly got better with it, and at one point I remember everything was fine, or so it seemed.
After we got married, and while I was pregnant, I accidentally found out that he slept with someone I severely dislike. He knew that I knew her when we first started dating because it was his best friend's sister. Also, our mutual friend dated this girl (while my husband slept with her, by the way... which makes this worse)
I was completely hurt. I know it is in no way any of my business. It just hurts a lot. I can't stand this girl, before any of this, even before I met my husband. He slept with her a month before we met.
I just can't believe that he didn't mention it to me a long time ago, or if he didn't want to at all, that would've been WAY better than me finding out years later.
I have no idea what to do. Like I said, I am SO hurt over this that it eats me up. I think about it constantly. It has destroyed sex for me. I can't believe my husband was such a fool.
Now, another thing I think is the problem is that our relationship had problems previous to this. Along with lying and secrets, we had a lot of other issues as well.
I do not feel loved all of the time anymore, I do not feel respected or like I am special to him.
I believe this may be an underlying issue as to why I am having such a hard time getting over this.
But it's just getting worse. Before I was at least trying to fake wanting sex. Now, I can't even do that.
I need thus image out of my head. I need to reconnect with my husband.
Please, help.

[Chima7]

You can't hold it against him for what he did before he even knew you existed. Had he known he was going to end up with you and you hated this girl then I'm sure he would have chosen differently and not gotten with her. But at the time when it happened, you weren't even an acquaintance much less his future wife. That's something you're just going to have to get over because you weren't in his life when it happened.

As for the other problems in your marriage which have occurred in the time since you've been together, those are things you guys can work through and resolve together. That's if he wants to. But if he doesn't think there's a problem and you continue to feel like he isn't treating you right then you have a decision to make about your future. It's not going to be easy but if you want this to work out, you guys need to work together on this or else nothing is going to change.

[Londres70]

He probably didn't tell you about all this because he didn't want to hurt you and he knew you wouldn't take it well especially since he knew you couldn't stand this woman he slept with.

I agree with the above posters...........don't penalize him for having a life before you.  I don't really see the need for someone to tell their present partner everyone he/she slept with.

You both probably should seek marriage counseling to iron out all these underlying issues in your marriage.

[Londres70]

"Now, another thing I think is the problem is that our relationship had problems previous to this. Along with lying and secrets, we had a lot of other issues as well."......................What are these other issues?

"But it's just getting worse. Before I was at least trying to fake wanting sex. Now, I can't even do that."..............Why were you faking wanting sex?  What was that about?

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, I agree that it is not fair to be angry about someone our partner slept with before they were with us.  Hey, we all make mistakes and perhaps he misjudged her at the time.  But it predated you and it is unfair for you to upset about it.  How do you 'accidentally' find these things out?  And then hold it over their head like they did you wrong?  No.  That is derailing your own relationship.  

So, you are feeling unloved.  Do you talk to him about your needs? What does 'feeling loved' look like to you?  If you have some clear idea of what would make it better--  give him a chance to try to do that.  Men (or women) aren't mind readers so you have to sometimes spell it out. While it would be nice if we didn't have to, it's just reality that sometimes we do.

You've married him and have a child.

It is not a great idea to consider leaving someone because they didn't pony up all the names of people they slept with prior to meeting you.  You've created a life with him and some relationships require more effort to sustain than others.  You and he should try harder and you can talk about that with him.

but not fair to be upset that he was with someone you don't like before he knew you. good luck

[lola2453]

thank you for your reply. i appreciate it so much :) i think you're right, i will definitely take your advice.

[thatquietgirl]

While I think who he slept with before you were together is kind of a non-issue and most couples try to keep that part of the past in the past, if he's habitually lying and keeping secrets, this isn't much of a marriage.  A marriage, just like any other relationship, needs trust to work.  If you can't trust the one you married, then it's not much of a marriage.  

If he was getting better at being open and this is the only thing that has come up in that vein in a long time, try addressing the other issues then making some decisions.