WE hate each other the same amount as we love eachother?

[ashleytiny85]

Sometimes I want him to die, I actaully thought of a hit man, The master of munipulation. Seven years ago we met in drug rehab? How much clean time do We have? Less than a week and both have to go back to rehabh for DuII.We got legal **** to deal with, We always had a no contact oder.
Somestimes he really makes me want o just die. To get out of it, To be informed that I get to the porint where verbally, I have tried to die. The police don't even come to the calls anymore.
I left him again last week while he was gone, (he would neve let me move) Live in a clean environment. Start over.
What ***** is times like every time I leave him, or being around other types of people just make me think and want to be with him more. That this point in time over the years I know that I love him, and it is a really weird weird feeling that I have never experienced. I can be ffectate, touch and fee close to. SO what if our types of couples fight get a bit violent, thats how we are.
I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO LOVE HIM, but I do and its unhealthy.

[bbm1188]

Your codependent. Look into self help books for it. Also sobriety is super hard to maintain when both people have trouble commiting to being sober or onewants to be sober one ddoesn't. I'd suggest hitting up meetings for support. Na meetings. They also say that your first year sober you should be single to focus on you. Once you have enough time sober your emotions on this will die down a lot. You'll start to think and feel at not such an intensity and life will seem and feel way better. All of this advice comes from experience. I didn't separate though from my husband when I got sober though. We managed to stick things out despite our past drug use together. He's a year sober now and ill be jan 2. Obviously it took some convincing you see when he got sober to get me to. Glad I've stuck with it though. My relationship and life is bettet then it ever has been
Good luck. You can stay sober. If you need someone to talk to msg me

[specialmom]

I totally agree that this sounds like a toxic mix and it was born out of two unhealthy people at a vulnerable time.  This means there is no real foundation.  It is actually a huge no no to become romantically involved with another person during a rehab/recovery situation.  Especially another person in recovery. Why?  Well, the sensation you get of this new fling, hot romance, etc. is similar to a high from a drug.  It stimulates you in the same way.  Now you are experiencing all of the highs and lows that are a little similar to what you had when using drugs, right?  Why?  Because HE is your new drug.  It's incredibly toxic and the whole thing is because you have not yet worked your program to be healthy in thought, word and deed.  

Clearly, you need to walk away. I'd move, frankly.  I'd try to go as far as you can.  Do you have family in another state or anything like that?  That is how drastic you need to be thinking----  to move far away if you can not control yourself with this man and stay out of this toxic situation.  

I also highly encourage you to seek help with your depression. Addiction and depression go hand in hand.  And you describe suicidal thoughts.  This needs to be addressed with a psychiatrist and through talk therapy with a psychologist.  Is that something you are doing??  

Are you working your program, attending meetings?  

I do wish you the very best but you will have to be strong and exit this dangerous situation.  good luck

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also, what ever life styles people have, its not easy for 2 separate souls to join as one. Each has their haunted pasts and each have their uncertain future.
The success of any relationship stems from sharing, helping, compassion and putting tools in motion that will direct them both to happiness. If only one is aware then there is no couple.

[ROSYouralright]

Codependency...sounds like the two of you feed off of each other. Very toxic.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I totally agree with remar !!

You don't need to be in a relationship with someone who is having the same struggles as You.  You both really need to focus on YourSelves, not each other.  It's a lot of work to get clean, stay clean, get healthy, stay healthy and You don't need to deal with the struggles of an UNhealthy relationship.

I Wish You All The Luck In The World For Your Recovery

[remar]

I agree. This relationship is unhealthy. What you're describing does not sound like love at all. I think you've gotten used to each other over the years and you're afraid of change.
Yes, couples that are very much in love do have arguments sometimes. They don't want the other person to be dead though and they don't want to die themselves.
If he truly loved and cared about you he would want what's best for you. To be clean, live a happy life and to feel safe and truly loved.
I hope you do well in rehab. I take it you will be counseling while you're there?