Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

[Fool2011]

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[lagaticalinda]

i just found out my husband had an affair  8 month ago we were having some problems lost of fight because he stared hiding his cellphone and just acting diffident with me one night he got an email from the **** negine elmi  i will never forget that name :(  she dais she loved him and some other things i confronted him about it and he said it had to be a mistake that there was nothing there the next morning i guess he told her to send another email saying some one had hacked her phone and send that email well i some what believed him cus he   told me and psss even cry telling me he love me that he would never hurt me like that well still i had suspicions the way we were fighting and the hurt full thing he would say to me things a stared to get better but inside me i know he dad done something bad so i hacked the girls email 4 days ago and found so many messages from him to her and her to him pictures of them and they dates for like 3 months he i think he ended it because she stared to pressure him for what i can see in some of the messages to leave me :(( the pain i feel its so much no words can describe  it i cant stop crying im ok one minute then i just break down the next we have 3 kids and been married for 6 years i know he is the love of my life and he tells me how sorry he is that he knows he made a mistake thats why he stopped it and that he will never hurt me like that again but i would of never found any of this out if it wasn't for me hacking her email i dont know what to do i just fell so horrible i cant eat or sleep just thinking of how could he do that to me after everything i ever done for him and just thinking back to does days when he was treating me so bad just because of what he was doing kills me all the fight that we would not had because  it was all about his phone but know i see why he dint want me to see his phone .. know i just feel like if we ever have any problems again wish to me there weren't any until he stared hiding his cellphone he is just gonna go out again and get a ** friend  he said he never slept with her thats she dint mean anything to him that he just talk to her as a friend and then she stared talking crazy about loving him and stuff but i know its not true cuss in some messages he says to her how he loves her for been who she is and understanding him .. i dont know how some woman can go on with a man that is married  with kids waooo imm so angry at the fact that she was a **** cuz she he was married but i know this was just all his fult cuz he had a choice omg it just hurts so much i want this pain to go away i dont know how  

[shortz]

Like many others here I have been cheated on... we are currently @ 14 months from what i call D day.. the day i found out, cause honestly that's what it felt like.. everything i have known, loved, worked for was gone, hit me like a freight train. My heart still weigh's heavily, My husband was with a woman he worked with as well and had to stay late for...insert excuse here...I had been going back to school working a full time job and taking care of our two kids but i have always felt like he was my third child because he didn't understand the checking account, or what bill needs to be paid when,,i did everything, i still do, and before everyone gets on me.. i know i am enabling him still.in those things.
well this week was the blow up of all blow ups. I told him i am tired of the broken promises of him changing, i am tired of feeling alone, tired of fighting the battle. I asked him if he thought of the future, our future, because here is the problem our "therapist" told us work on one day at a time" yah that's great and yes we have good days and bad days but REALLY?? i want to move on. I have yet to tell him i forgive him, i don't know if i do yet, but a question for all of us who have been through this, why do i still feel so alone, so unloved?  Its not like my husband hasn't checked in with his whereabouts, showed love affection etc he has, he still has his flaws but i feel like i am with you Fool 2011, i have done the stalking of the home wrecker and she has moved on. and hubby has also moved on but with the trust gone who knows. I have told no one in my family of what has happened, the few friends who i told have made themselves VERY distant, so the only person i have to talk to is my husband and he is the reason for my feelings so i know my talking to him makes him feel more guilty but he made his bed and now he has to help me and himself get through this. but where is the feeling of love.. will it ever come back? or does it stay an empty hole?

[nursegirl6572]

I agree in this kind of situation that the healthy thing to do is move on...but a certain amount of guilt and regret helps a person LEARN from their mistakes.  The famous Winston Chruchill quote applies....

"Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it”

That doesn't mean a person should beat themselves up forever.  Certainly not.  But reflection, guilt, regret are important emotions to go through, IMO.


"If she couldn't forgive u then maybe she didn't love u enough."

I couldn't disagree with that statement more.  The capacity to forgive is NOT a reflection of how much someone does or doesn't love the other person.  

Maybe if RL loved her enough, he wouldn't have cheated on her, putting her in a position where she HAD to forgive him.

Just my two cents.

[RainLover71]

Thanks,I am trying to move on,I really am.

[Hobby10]

Hobby10 not 19.  Typo

[Hobby10]

Quit giving another person,  another woman so much of your personal power!!! If she couldn't forgive u then maybe she didn't love u enough.  I bet she wasn't perfect either.  Nobody is.  Forgive yourself rain.  You would b a much happier man in my opinion if u could forgive yourself and love yourself anyways.  I care and always will.  U need to care about u!!!!!!!!