Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

[Fool2011]

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[jmkkay]

I feel you,it not easy to deal with such heartbreak.I myself I am dealin with such situation rightnowit devastating.

[nursegirl6572]

My honest opinion is to NOT insert yourself in other people's business.  There is not ONE good reason you could present, IMO for telling this man's wife.  

In MOST situations like this, the urge to "tell" is based solely on feeling angry and betrayed, and wanting some kind of revenge.  Your business is with you and your wife, their business is theirs.  It's up to HIM to tell him wife.  NOTHING good can come of you putting yourself into their marriage.

[lewfortwo]

I am a male, 56 years old, married 26 years, with two grown kids and just found out that my wife was in already in a one year affair with her married coworker or business partner , who has three younger children.  I have always been trustful, so i never had any issues with 2 people of opposite sexes having what i hoped was either a platonic or business relationship.  Boy was I wrong.

So, now its been one week and my world has been turned upside down.  The pain and hurt is unbelievable - I lost 10 pounds and I'm thin to begin with. I feel like I've been played for a complete fool.

I commute to work and also some nights I am a college professor, which keeps me away from the house most days.  So this was clearly going on when I was at work and often at night.  Although I uncovered 100's of pieces of information, in what seems to be a torrid love affair and even to the point of an intoxication or addiction, I think my wife feels bad about hurting me but equally bad that her affair is now over (but who knows - she swears, but who can stop an addiction).

We are starting counseling immediately and who knows what the road ahead will bring. I'm not sure I want to stay.

The person's wife does not know about this and I hold all the cards right now.  Should I tell her? - I know her fairly well since all 4 of us have socialized together.  I go back and forth on this but here are three reasons I think I am completely entitled to...#1 if the wife found out about the affair, I'd be upset not to know... #2 I've emailed the husband already and told him never to go near my wife again or your wife will know, but I feel the only way to guarantee this is to tell the wife and #3. now if everyone knows the chips will fall where they may - this will determine who is leaving who and who is staying.  

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Beautyforashes21]

Ya- I totally kno EXACTLY how u feel- hubby cheated 4x once while preggers- we hav 2 girls- I found out- took a week to finally confess the truth even tho I had recorded proof. I'm still hurting & debating divorce. Don't think the pain ever leaves. But I think we choose to be happy. If u can talk to the woman it hurts but helps. I talked to one girl (most recent) and said woman to woman- spill the guts. She did- but she had no clue he was married. I confirmed everything he said was tru- btw- I told Jim of he didn't tell me every detail & answer every question- its over. He did- to my knowledge. But my fear is, down the road will he do it again. Not sure it's worth it. He's a great father & provider. But he's verbally abusive and angry- and he is hard to please- I think he might hav a sex addiction to a mild extent. I please him daily. Idk- sometimes its just not you- it's him- some ppl have a hole so big you can't fill. And that's not your fault. Only God can fill that hole. Maybe from something that screwed them up as a kid- they repeat what they see. Or just plain boredom- again not your fault cuz like me here- I gave him whatever he wanted. He still cheated. I have hope that it was an eye opener for him. But ppl can forget when they get comfy. Not sure I'm willing to risk the rest of my life for something I'm unsure of. Maybe a temporary split will help. If it doesn't effect him & he isn't crying on his knees then he doesn't deserve you. Forget it. Life is too short to spend it catering to a man who has no respect or love for you. Starting over is hard- but I feel it might also be relieving. Xo God bless

[RainLover71]

There is no excuse for cheating because you lose everything and gain nothing.All it becomes is a disaster that you can never change.It's like a dark cloud over you forever.

[faithfulmom4]

I am glad to hear it will take time and that it will get easier. I have been married for 17 years and i heard rumors that my husband( a teacher) was seeing a coworker from our students and coworkers. I confronted my husband and of course he siad we are just friends and nothing else. I believed him because I didnt have any warning. No money spent on her, no time taken from our family, no phone calls, etc. What they were doing was having sex in the classroom during lunch or prep times. I hate the feeling of betrayal and trust issues. It went on for 6 to 7 years, to make matters worse my mother in law new about it for 2 years and was a "messenger"!!! I am so hurt and NOW after 2 1/2 months of discovery he slips into a deep depression. We can not seem to talk about it due to his mental state. Seems like he just wants to sweep it under a rug. I am so mad, hurt, and feel so rejected. I am going to counseling. Hoping my God continues to strenghten me because his love is what has gotten me past few months