Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

[Fool2011]

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[annonymous3]

you have to say something.  Put yourself in her shoes.  If you knew someone knew wouldnt you want them to tell you?  I had someone annonymously tell me my husband was cheating and I believe they are my angel.  I was glad they told me and If i ever knew of something like this i would tell the other person if i could immediately.

[annonymous3]

she is right.  i have been where you are as well and i have been trying to make it work for over 2 years and although the initial pain is gone and i actually trust him it still doesnt feel the same and i know in my heart i am not as happy as i could be with someone else.  but we have a 4 yr and 3 yr old who think the world of him and i know they would be heartbroken if he didnt live with us anymore.  so i dont know what i will do either.

[LaurenMallard]

After reading that post, it sounds awful and whiny.  Sorry.  Also, no "abuse" help please- if I wanted help, I would have reported him to the authorities, it is not ruining my family and life over.   Ug..  Wish I wouldn't have ever posted...  

[LaurenMallard]

I am thankful to have found this forum.  It is amazing the amount of women, and some men, that have been cheated on.  I had been married for 11 years, and did not even realize how deeply my husband was into the internet porn and the SexSearch sites.  He met his "true love" there from London, and promptly flew her over to CT and to CA so they could meet there and have a few lovely weeks together- said that he just needed some "time" to think.. Hmm..  I asked him to move out after he returned from the first trip, and he did.  We reconciled after 4 months, but low and behold, 5 months after we got back together they were back together again, but now she has moved to Ohio to be closer to him.  Just peachy.  They broke up last November thanks to a wonderful person in my community to found my husband "M" on the SexSearch site and recognized him, luckily this person called me and emailed me his profile (actually quite comical because he posed as a woman and got "M" all hot and bothered to see how he actually came onto women and how he portrayed me to lure them in).  The sad part is that I have wanted to leave for ages and I am still here..  He says he will kill himself if I leave and the last time I tried to leave he hit me so hard he gave me a concussion for 4 days.  The cops can't really help, he would find me anywhere and I am not willing to change my whole identity anyways- so, in the long run, I guess I would have been better off had he just stayed with his SexSearch honey.  :(

I don't believe that people can be faithful, it just isn't in them.

[LChaim18]

Thank you for this.  A few weeks ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman he'd dated before we got together.  

My husband and I have been together for 26 years, married for 20 of those years.  A woman he dated before we got together and he have been having an affair for the past two years.  I'm devastated!  He says there was no sex involved and that they "just" talked on the phone. He drove three hours to see her three times over the length of the affair and says they just talked, watched movies and held hands.  In some ways I believe this but it seems so far fetched that someone would risk their marriage to someone they claim to love so dearly and NOT have sex!  

My emotions are all over the place and I go from being so angry I can't see straight to, pain beyond anything I could ever imagine, to just feeling like a pathetic unlovable loser.  I don't know what to do.  I know I don't want a divorce but that doesn't mean I want to stay married.  I don't want my kids to go through a divorce.  I don't want to hurt any more, and I do hurt.  

I am glad you shared your story because so many people are telling me to "throw the bum out" which seems to be the easiest root to take.  Not that I'm looking for the most difficult path but I'm not sure I want to throw away 26 years of a relationship over this.  I don't want to allow this to destroy my family, even though my kids are grown.  But, how do I get past this?  How do I allow my heart to trust this man again?  How do I know it's over?  

Your story tells me that it is possible to get past it and rebuild our relationship.  When I think about it the reason I'm hesitant to say that I want my marriage to work is because there is so much doubt about him and his relationship to her.  I'm afraid to want something that he won't really commit to making work.  I'm so very afraid.

[rohu413]

can i contact to the parents of the girl friend.