Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

[Fool2011]

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[Jenna97]

My husband of 10 years told me he was leavin(2 yrs ago) and straight up left me for another girl.  I had to clean his pubes out of the bath tub that he left lying on the way to her house.  I tracked his cell and found out she worked at the gas station near our home.  I had been in there with my daughter that very morning while this girl was working.  I confronted the girl who then informed me that my husband told her that my kids and I didn't even live with him anymore..all lies!  He felt remorseful and came home and we worked things out.  He is an excellent father and we bothy really want a good life for our kids.  Things went pretty smooth until several months ago when I found out that he was not working ( he works night shift) when he said he was.  He laid out one full night and came in at 2am another night.  He even went as far as to rub coal dirt on himself to make me think he was at work.  He says he was smoking synthetic marijuana and got hooked on it and that he was by himself..no girls.  I want to believe him, but after what he did the first time it is so hard.  I have had it wirh his lies

[deb165]

Hello, it's been a while since you posted this so I hope you will see this.  My advice is yes, absolutely tell the wife what is going on.  Why?  Because this is the only means you have to make sure the affair stops.  I have been in a similar situation.  I knew no matter what I said to my husband and no matter how remorseful he apparently felt, after a while, he would likely go back to talking to her.  I told her husband, and after that she was completely out of my husband's life.  It's been 6 years, and they have had no contact since then, and I know it's because I had the guts to tell her husband.  I was shaking when I did it, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but to this day I'm so grateful and amazed I found it within myself to tell her husband.  I also know of another couple, in which the husband was told of his wife's affair and as a result there was no more contact between the cheating wife and cheating husband.  You have to do what you need to do to ensure the survival of your marriage.  And believe me, in both situations, the husband was grateful to know.  

[Estelle1971]

That was extremely well said;-) I have been with two men whom I married and they both had affairs, it's all what you said, you explained it so well.  I left my first husband, lost my home and a family I loved dearly. He stayed with his lover and now they are also having their own issues. I decided to stay with my second and even a year on I am struggling, maybe not as much but it's still very hard. I feel lost, don't know who I am any more, lost my identity. I have put weight on due to comfort eating, this women was younger too and only a size 10. Lost confidence in myself, I even feel lonely when I'm around people like my life is false. I love him so much, yet I also hate him for the pain that he has coursed not just to me but my family. He also regrets totally for his affair and said he got lost in a wave. He made me out to be paranoid, saying if I didn't shut up going on about if he was having an affair he was going to leave me, yet I felt so strong that something was going on specially because I have had this happen to me once before. I had to find things out my self, I was a women on a mission and there was no stopping me, I was like a private detective, found out where she lived through facebook and it took me straight to her address. I don't know whats going to happen, I know he loves me, I see the pain in his eyes, but it's not about him any more, it's about me. I need to find me again, build on my confidence, feel good about myself and use this to get stronger, it's just taking a long time. Good luck, I would never wish this pain on any one, but there's always a way of turning a negative into a positive and sometimes It can make you stronger xx

[JadeVictoriaJohnson]

Never let your cheating husband blame you for his behavior.  He was married, he knew he was married when he slept with another woman.  If he had a problem with you, he should've talked to you about it.  If you couldn't work it out he should've walked away from the marriage, not cheated.  Never let him tell you his choices were your fault.  You already have enough to deal with.  I think this is the most evil thing a cheater can do.

[tamara809]

wow this is devastating, i feel your pain. well it is even worse for me , my husband is a waiter , at some restaurant we have a toddler , been married since 2010 but i have been suspicious of his behavior and his relationship with female friends especially one i particular, well he claimed they were friends an so did she. this year she calls me up to tell me she has been having a relationship with m hubby and is 7months pregnant . that was so painful ,even i do not know how to deal, my heart tells me i have to let him go, and as difficult as it may be its the right thing for me, he flirts with women says he enjoys womens company and maybe this was the reason for this. its painful i pray i can get through this, i am still with him but i sure see the future without him, i can never trust him again...

[tamara809]

wow this is devastating, i feel your pain. well it is even worse for me , my husband is a waiter , at some restaurant we have a toddler , been married since 2010 but i have been suspicious of his behavior and his relationship with female friends especially one i particular, well he claimed they were friends an so did she. this year she calls me up to tell me she has been having a relationship with m hubby and is 7months pregnant . that was so painful ,even i do not know how to deal, my heart tells me i have to let him go, and as difficult as it may be its the right thing for me, he flirts with women says he enjoys womens company and maybe this was the reason for this. its painful i pray i can get through this, i am still with him but i sure see the future without him, i can never trust him again...