Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

[Fool2011]

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[Kfoster168]

I dont even know where to begin. I was a victim of sexual abuse at a young age which lasted into my teen years. I am on my 3rd marriage (last 2 ended due to infedility) and have always had trust issues and horrible insecurities that I have never been able to overcome. I have always felt insecure, ugly, overweight not good enough etc. Within the last 3 months I finally saught out therapy just to find out a week ago that my husband was having an affair with a woman at work. He also admits to looking up porn on the internet. I feel like he has just ripped off the scab to my wounds and poured salt into them. He says that he is sorry and that he promises it is over and will never happen again. Promise? How do I believe he is sorry when that word so freely just flowed from his mouth? I am 38 and a mother to 6 (2 biological 2 adopted and 2 step children) and a grandmother...I feel like I have wasted so much time trying to find happiness,safety and true love and instead just find disappointment and hurt. I have so much resentment towards my abusers and the men in my life who have destroyed my spirit and who I am. I love my husband and want badly to believe that he has stopped seeing her and visiting porn sites, however, this has been a constant in my life. How do I really believe that this time its "for real"? How do I trust and love whole heartly again? I feel like everytime I pick myself up I am forced to the ground again. I am so depressed, I have lost 30 lbs in a month...I cant eat or sleep and my mind never stops wondering. I am on meds for depression, anxiety and PTSD but nothing seems to help these thoughts and this hurt. I often feel like I have nothing to go on for...plenty of days I pray for morning never to come. I realize that my constant nagging about other women and cheating etc...pushed him away, but I feel as though that is no reason to go outside of your marriage. I had been better off had he left me rather than cheat on me. I feel as though it wouldn't have hurt so bad. I know that I have hurt him with my lack of trust and insecurities...but to deserve this? I pray for the answers and strength to get me through each day...because right now I am so physically sick over this. I have no strength, I am dehydrated and I cant eat. I dont remember the last time I ate. I am truly at my lowest of lows and I have no one to turn to. I have no family and I dont have many friends, I have never allowed anyone that close. Someone, PLEASE help me! Thank you and God Bless!

[shortz]

thanks snowflake, at least i know that this may  be how it is from now on.. so since i wrote my last post my neighbor came to me to tell me of her husband and his indiscretions also with a woman at work! I feel relieved in one aspect that im not alone  but now i feel like she is looking to me for guidance and i can barely guide myself and our relationship!

[snowflake1963]

I agree with you 100 percent!  My husband cheated on me with a former high school classmate who is a waitress at a pizza restauran in our hometown.  It only ended when I caught him cheating through cell phone records.  He was also having emtional affairs with 4 other women at the same time.  I forgave him, and since then he has given me no reason to doubt that he is faithful to me, but still after 2 years and 8 months...  I still check his phone records and have a trust issue deep inside.  We have 2 children and have been married for 24 years.  You are never the same person again.  I still hurt.

[trustless]

A one night stand where drink might be involved - I would understand this better than a blown out affair.  My husband was obsessed with this woman for months - chased her, wined and dined her, bought presents, spent time with her, slept with her over and over again.

He says it was a mistake ... but how can it be if you do this over and over and over again - makes no sense.  Definitely not a mistake in my book.

Trust is very hard to get back once lost.  

I don't think love has anything to do with why she left.  She probably loved  you so much, she just couldn't bear staying with you knowing every time she looked at you, she would remember.

My advice to you is never forget and learn from the past - so when you meet another woman and fall in love again - you will never cheat on  her when you remember what you stand to lose.

Good luck

[njsueb]

My husband has always worked shift work.  I have always worked days -we did what we needed to do for our 3 children.  Three years ago we moved out of state...I worked now and then and my husband collected unemployment which was fine.  Two years ago my husband told me he had a 5 yr affair back home. I freaked out, threw him out and then he came back.  We immediatley went to counseling and we were back in love and doing well.....until I had a relapse of crying and being ill...I went to a new counselor who told me everything I felt was normal...but knew that we both love each other (34 years).  She told me to get copies of his cell phone bill and that I would know who she was by the calls.......And sure enough, it was a sleazy friend of OURS who he had this affair with.  I confronted him, he told me who it was.  I then gave him 2 pages of questions to answer and I made it very clear that if he lied one of us was gone.  So, we sat and we talked and I cried for 2 days (calling in sick at work)....I told him everything the counselore had told me.digging in has consequences.  I IM'd the "friend" and she denied it and blamed someone else..I called that someone else and she was having an affair with someone else.  The cheater immediately text my husband to find out what's going on....Why would he lie and tellme our friend and him had sex in our new house when I INVITED her to visit,,,,,I am stupid.  It's only been days but I feel better that we talked and we do love each other and we will both go to counseling,  I pray to GOD that this is all behind us and we can live happily...will I every trust him-NO...forgive him-NO...but we have to go on and believe in ourselves..And NO, our children will never know.

[lagaticalinda]

i see this happened  a wile back how did u move on cuz i fell im stuck in this pain