Not letting love in

[PrincessChandaLeigh]

A couple of my relationships bruised me bad. Usually I'd pick up and open up to love fairly easy. But since those couple of ones I changed my way of thinking and acting and built a wall super tall super thick wall. I didn't intent on building a wall. I just wanted to be really wise to men and their ways to pick a keepers. Well I have a keeper and I believe he is my soulmate but it's so hard for me to let him love me. I hardly feel anything. He is so good to me though. I guess I'm numb. Its like if I don't let love in or feel it it'll never hurt me. I trust him with my heart. Just wanted to see if anyone had any tips to help me.

[specialmom]

People on this forum are very compassionate but want to help.  Helping takes different forms.  there was nothing for you to be angry about in this thread in my opinion.  I read the words you wrote and gave you an honest, heartfelt answer in every answer I posted and really think everyone that posted to you tried to do that.  No one wants you unhappy.  but make no doubt about it, the people of this forum are very kind hearted and compassionate and I'm proud to be a part of it.  Some come seeking help and some want to vent.  I guess you are somewhere in the middle but it is confusing.  by saying that he may or may not be the one takes some pressure off of you in my opinion.  I related to some things you wrote and was conveying what I was thinking while I read your posts.  No one here can tell you what to do, feel or think and no one is absolutely right.  We only have your insight to go on and aren't in your head. But sometimes an unbiased, outside view of what we right is warranted and can be very valuable in terms of usable insight.  That really is the goal.  

good luck with your relationship.  peace

[PrincessChandaLeigh]

But that's just is I'm not trying to hold him accountable for what others have done. I don't try to do this. I built these walls before he came along. I'm just having a problem with getting them down. I guess it'll just take some time.

[PrincessChandaLeigh]

I guess to save you from my anger I just won't post on the relationship forum nomore. I come here because I have nowhere else to turn. Yea I understand that y'all can give me a clearer view or whatever. The only thing I had a problem with was you saying that I should try and make him the one. I was just clarifying that. That's it because I had already explained it. I just didn't like how you said it. I just get the impression that you want what you say to be the answer. Anyways thank you that last part of advice felt heart felt. I guess I just came on this site tol be compassionate and understanding towards people. And get some help myself.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with every word SpecialMom has typed here and I don't feel She did it with disrespect - quite the opposite from my point of view.

It sounds like You want to hold Him accountable for others' behaviors.  That's not fair to the New Guy.  You made poor choices in Your past relationships and now You are C H O O S I N G to put up walls.  That's not fair to the New Guy either.

If You can't do therapy now, perhaps You should let this Fellow be on His way - it's not enough for Him to be Y O U R "soul mate" - He deserves to have a "soul mate" for HimSelf.  It sounds to me like You are not it.

[specialmom]

But the point of a forum for advice is to get a new perspective.  I can't just say that I agree he is the one because I don't know that.  Sure, you can say that but from your own admission you are struggling with some complex things and might not be seeing things clearly.  If you have walls up and feel emotions for few people then how would you know he's the one?  How could you really test it?  And I really don't think there is "one" out there for us.  when I was your age I did.  But as time goes on, you realize that love is just an emotion.  There are many that would make good mates and man that wouldn't.  The "one" is the one who is there and seems to be the best choice for a mate at the right time you are looking for the 'one'.  

I guess we've been here before where I get the impression you anger easily and you don't like to be told anything that doesn't jive with what you want to hear.  That makes it difficult to address you on a public forum.  This might not be the best place if it upsets you to read that you SHOULD be questioning if he's the one based on you've said here.  Because if you have walls up---  it is almost impossible to figure out if he is ideal or not.  Paper is often different than real life meaning he may seem great but until you have the emotion behind it, I don't know what to tell you.

but anyway, if you feel he is the 'one' then start treating him like it.  Don't let him know that you don't feel much for people or are currently non emotional.  You don't have to talk about that with him because in all honesty, that will be a red flag for him if he is also trying to decide if YOU are the one.  People want a partner who feels, who is fully there for them, who will cry and laugh through the good times and bad times in a genuine way.  So, until you do start letting down the walls, I'd do your best to break them down yourself.  Open up.  Go outside your comfort zone.  Knowing that he may decide that he wants a girlfriend who feels as strongly and as emotionally as he does may be motivation for you to try and get past this.  

Otherwise, all I can say is that I'm glad you are trying to get financially strong or to have some type of full insurance coverage so that therapy will be an option.  good luck

[PrincessChandaLeigh]

I am getting myself set with not having to worry with money. It'll just take awhile. And yea I become sensitive too some things said on here because some people have no respect. And I had already said he was the one and that I wasn't trying to make him the one. I just wanted some tips on how to deal with my problem and some compassion. I just try to really explain myself because I want people on here to understand the best they can through my eyes to really help me. I speak my mind exactly the way you do.

[specialmom]

Well, if you think the problem is you then my advice is to begin working to a position of being able to afford therapy.  Some places do provide services on a sliding fee scale and some take people in a clinic type of setting for reduced rates.  Some colleges will provide therapy as a part of offering therapy opportunities for those going through their educational program.  So, see what your options are.

I would be doing everything possible at your age too to set myself up in a career in which I could have insurance that provided mental health/counseling benefits or the income to pay out of pocket if necessary.  

So, no tips really for you.  Perhaps time will heal.  I do notice a definite sensitivity that you have even here at med help that causes you to become a bit angry when people don't say what you want to hear.  If this is spilling over to your 'real' life, it will help to understand this about yourself and decompress it rather than act on it.  good luck

[PrincessChandaLeigh]

Ok let me say this again I am not trying make him be the one. I believe there's something wrong with me. I'd like to see a therapist but I can't afford that. I'm numb in other ways to not just with him so he isn't the problem. I truly believe he is my soulmate and if no one believes that well that's fine because I know. I'm numb to my own mothers tears when she is upset about something sometimes. Its like I lost my compassion and sympathy but not completely. I use to be the most caring sweetest sympathizing person. Not anymore not since stupid guys messed me up.

[specialmom]

As someone well into my 40's, I'm here to tell you that there are many "one's out there.  I've loved some people completely and eventually went on to marry someone else that I've now been with for many years.  Don't get caught up in 'making this the one' because you believe it is but rather experience it moment to moment.  

Either one of two things is going on===  you are trying to force yourself to feel the love for this man because you think you should.  OR, you have so many walls up that feeling love for anyone is not really a possibility in which case I'd see a therapist.  it could also be a combination of the both with the second one clouding things so that you are also doing the first one.  You can no longer judge if the huge spark you are supposed to have isn't there if that is because it will never be there.

I know that there was a super great guy that I really really wanted to be in love with.  He was 'perfect' on paper.  Handsome, had a good career, so nice.  Funny (ish).  But I just didn't have that spark/love thing for him.  Wow, I really tried and wanted it.   But somehow we lacked chemistry or something.  I never did develop it and broke up because that wasn't fair to him or me.  Went on to find someone that I did have those feelings for.  

So, I'd start with a therapist if I were you to sort this out.  good luck

[PrincessChandaLeigh]

Thank you for your advice. Yea I guess I am pressuring myself with this:/. Only because he doesn't deserve it. He deserves my love in return. But it is a process unfortunately. I just don't want to lose him. Even he shows absolutely no indication of that nor do I think he would. Just a huge fear because he is the best thing I've ever had. He is very patient and always there for me.

[Xcalibure]

Ok, now I'm starting to see the picture.  I'm sorry you've had those experiences in your previous relationships.  That's enough to turn anyone off from love and build giant walls complete with moats.  As far as opening op yourself that could be a natural progress of time.  Not what you want to hear I'm sure, but you also can't force yourself to change over night.  I think if your other half loves you, has an understanding of what you've been through, then they will be patient with you on this journey.  If you're putting on self imposed pressure, then stop!  That will do you know good and will only serve to drive you crazy.  Your walls went up for a reason, they will come down when you feel safe.  As long as you know you want them to come down then that's what matters.  It' sounds like your trying very hard to get there and you will.  

[PrincessChandaLeigh]

Well I know it sounds like I don't love him but I do and I'm positive he is the one. I think another main reason for me being this way has a lot to do with how ex's have treated me. As in they never treated me like I was worth anything. They never showed me love unless it had sex involved. And this guy does he would do anything to make me happy. I guess the problem there is I don't know how to deal with it bc I was never treated good. A lot of things he says and does makes my heart melt but it's hard for me to show it. I do feel things for him but sometimes I don't. I know in my hearty he is what's good for me. It's just destroying this wall is my problem. Its not that I wish or desperatly want him to be the one. He is I just have to figure out how to let him in. Just need some help with it.

[Xcalibure]

Are you sure he is "the one"?  It seems if you were sure of that fact as you say, then you would "feel" something for him.  I also have learned love has a way of knocking down those walls we put up.  Perhaps you want him to be that person because he is a good man, so naturally you think that should extend into good relationship material which isn't always the case.  I've found love is not a thing you can just fling open a door for and parade it around.  Usually it finds you and you know it.  In addition love is a very debatable thing as to what some conceive it as versus others.  However you define love, it doesn't sound as if you are in love with the man in your life even though you want to be.  Maybe he simply isn't the one.