My girlfriend was sexually abused by her dad..i need advice

[big_pat]

Okay...my girlfriend and i have been together for only a little over a month. (She is my first girlfriend) well we have been having some problems, and just the other night we made up and..had one of those nights where we just stayed up all night talking, and telling secrets..that we would probably never tell anyone else. And she told me that her dad sexually abused her and her older sister until she was 12, and her older sister finally told their mom. In our relationship i have been feeling like i am the only one that is trying to make it work, but after she told me that now i think that is the reason. Is it because she is scared to get to close to me in fear that one day i might leave her? its just that she is my first girlfriend and i am literally giving her my all..and i feel like she is not trying as hard, is this because she was sexually abused?. being in a relationship is one of the biggest challenges i have ever faced. We are both 16..I think i am in love with her, but she is my first gf and i dont know what love truly is.

[MrsMacDugle]

I know that you want to support your girlfriend to the best of your ability & trust me when I say this it is going to take a whole lot of time for her to heal but she is on her way to full recovery but if she rushes into relationships she isn't going to mend or be emotionally stable.  I should know I was raped at the age of 10yrs & gang raped at the age of 18yrs & trust me I didn't confide in anyone as I was ashamed of the incidents & so I sunk into denial.  Since your girlfriend has confided in you.  Please don't rush into the sex.  She 1st has to learn to respect herself & her body.  And you will need to learn to respect yourself & your body as well wait until you are married before you have your 1st sexual encounter.

Now to aid her in recovery she may want to try an exercise that I'm currently using since I was in denial for far to long.  And was in & out of relationships because I didn't love myself or respect myself because of the damage I suffered.

My therapist has me working on my anger for the traumatic events by smashing water balloons.

1.)  You fill as many Balloons as you think you may need, assigning a name or an event to each one.

2.)  Focus all your anger, frustration, hurt & guilt on that particular balloon.  This is done for both those that did the act of destruction as well as those that didn't protect you keep the destruction from happening.

3.)  After mustering all of it, lift the balloon over your head, & with a great scream smash it to the ground.

4.)  Repeat as often as needed.

And yes, her father should be arrested & put in jail to hold him accountable for his actions.

I'll lift the two of you up in prayer that you receive peace of mind & comfort for your relationship will not go far if you rush into it at this young age if you still feel the same way after you both are 18yrs of age & you feel she is stable emotionally than you may be able to start talking about your future together.  

But wait until your wedding night before either of you have sex.

May God Bless You & Keep You
Debra

[PromisedLand]

we saw similar reactions from our daughters who were abused by their "father" who has now been out of their lives for 14-15 years...they are in their 20's now and STILL have issues to resolve...and it has affected my youngest the worst...be there as a friend for her...right now that's what she needs.  Support her but don't push love and DO NOT PUSH SEX ON HER...this is going to take a long time to heal....they were here the other day talking with their mother for hours over the whole thing and though he wasn't prosecuted (looooong story) they want to go after them, and this has stirred up a lot of emotions in both of them....I would not expect a long term romantic relationship with this young woman...but be there as a friend to listen.


Jim

[megochick101]

I would just try and be there for her. Since her father sexually abused her, she is probably really messed up about sex and not even sure how to act in a relationship, plus you are both so young(i know you probably don't like hearing that lol) My best advice to to advise her to seek counseling(or a priest, whoever) if she hasn't already. The only way you two will be able to have a healthy relationship is if she is fully healed from the abuse.

Oh and do NOT try and push sex on her or anything like that. I know you may not do this, but just wanted to say that because you are a man who's 16 and let's face it most guys that age are focused on sex lol

She doesn't know what a functional normal relationship is right now, so you need to talk to her about what you think a normal relationship is and tell her how you feel. I know your young(sorry i hated hearing that at your age lol), but you need to talk to her about the relationship.

[jo929]

You are both very young and to young to be in a serious relationship, you sound like a very wonderful guy but you will have many girlfriends before you get out of college, and she will have many boyfriends, i hate to rain on your parade so to speak, and i know you like her, but there is nothing you can do for her except be her friend. try and finish your education before you both get serious and end up as unhappy teen parents just tell her you are both to young to get real serious, but stay friends if you can, someday when you are older you will meet the girl you want to marry, and will look back on this as part of growing up , as far as the rape, you can do nothing except be her friend   luck  jo

[Judy246]

Ok, after carefully reading your post. You are both very young and it took a lot of courage for her to open up and confess her secret. It's huge and very destructive to her and her family. Her family is very dysfunctional and of course this is effecting all aspects of her life and outlook. I'm glad her mother is aware of what her father did and it's called incest and he should be in jail. What he has done is a very serious, damaging crime and it should have been reported to the police and social workers, etc.

I am going to be very honest with you, so stay with me here ok. I understand that you love her and care for her very much, but right now, she is damaged goods. She will continue to be dysfunctional and unstabled until her family situation is back on track and it starts with the reality of what her father has done, he has to be held accountable for it his criminal actions and needs to be reported to the police. Her entire family will need counseling, but she needs counseling and it's best that you both will not be in the relationship, until her physical, mental and emotional health, becomes stable with help and this is beyond what you can do. It's ok to support her, listen to her, be there for her, but your relationship is not going to function properly, because she is not functioning properly and it will only result in constant issues. So, I suggest that you both talk, tell her you are there to support her, but you want her to seek the counseling that she needs in order to become emotionally healthy and be able to hold on to a realtionship in a healthy manner, which right now she can't. Once she has been to a counselor and if you continue seeing each other and feel that you will be able to have a stable relationship, then that great, but right now, she is damaged good and is not good for her or you. She needs help, then after recovery if you both feel the same way about each other, you can continue into a healthy relationship.  Good luck, Judy