i'm in love, but not with my husband

[NJSurfergirl]

Hi Everyone,
I would appreciate ypur input any way you see fit. I have been married for 24 years I have never been happy. I did what I had to, to make a sullen, moody and depressed man a home- I have raised children and cried myself to sleep many nights. I have had a few "flings" one that was a "friends with benefits" that went on for many years.., but I have never felt passion....
So of course what happened last year blew my mind. First, I found out that my husband had been having an affair for years. Oh well, turn about is fair play.. What was I going to do? I turned myself off emotionally. Then I met him- everything I had always wanted. Good looking, charasmatic, successful, confident. If not even a little cocky..older than me by 10 years and very very very married. We had 2 or 3 months of stepping through the looking glass....but after an amazing weekend together he decided he wasn't emotionally prepared for all that we were contemplating.
He opted to remain in my life, though not as a lover... Just a friend. And there we have kept it.
Only thing is now I am obsessed with him. In any breathe unless I hear from him..and the times I get to see him are beyond anything for me. I have almost an addiction to him... I have tried cutting off contact. That has lasted 5 days at the most...he starts looking for me and texting...my relationship with my husband is fine. We are intimate and go through the motions.
I know that my "obsession" will never leave his wife and grandchildren... But what do I do? Allow my soul to remain imprisoned my whole life, or move on? This causes me pain on a daily basis. Thanks for listening.

[Londres70]

Ditto AnnieBrook, RockRose, Grace313, Tink!

"I know that my "obsession" will never leave his wife and grandchildren... But what do I do? Allow my soul to remain imprisoned my whole life, or move on? This causes me pain on a daily basis. Thanks for listening"...........Hon, you need to wake up and smell the coffee.  You aren't in love; this man is an escape from your REAL life.  What you need to do is respect yourself, your marriage/family and his marriage/family.  You're wrapped up into how you feel, but this isn't right for neither one of you.  He offered "friendship," but I am doubting that is a good idea.

If you can't find your way in your marriage, then you need to resort to other HEALTHY options; not fantasizing about someone else's husband who will NEVER be yours.  The best place to start would be therapy for yourself and that way a professional can help you sort yourself out.  

Therapy is what you SHOULD do and that would address this "pain" of yours.

[TTinKKerBBell]

ditto AnnieBrook
ditto RockRose
ditto Grace313

Regards,
Tink

[Grace313]

I don't think either relationship is healthy for you.

Divorce can be awful, but it can also be necessary.  Its not the end of the world.  If you do it right, then it doesn't need to be "ugly".   It sounds as if you both would benefit from it.

What do you have to gain by staying in this loveless emotionless marriage?
What do you have to gain by leaving this marriage (And Mr.Charisma is not it)?

I doubt you are in love with this man, but perhaps the idea of this man.  I've known couples who have arrangements of this sort and it works for them, so who am I to judge?  But, I do think it'd be wise to just stay away from Mr. Charisma and give him his fair shot to heal/end/live unhappily in his own marriage.

[RockRose]

It's a surprise this has come to you so late in life,  but this is what being "in love" feels like.  Most women experience this feeling in their youth,  and marry because of it.  

Being "in love" is an actual physical addiction to another person,  and when you break up you go through actual addiction withdrawals.  

So.  Now,  in your 50somethings,  you are experiencing this.

The good news is it lasts about 3 years.  You won't feel this way for the rest of your life.  And when the "smoke" of your addiction to him clears you'll see him for what he is - a using,  cheating manipulator.

[AnnieBrooke]

Obsession is not reality.  

See a therapist.  He is not going to leave his wife.  He is also, surprise surprise, a symptom and not the solution you have piled all your hopes and fantasies on.  (Guess what, he is also a cheater.)  

You are in a world of cheating right now, and you need to examine with the therapist what would happen if you tried for a world in the fresh, clear air, not leaning on any man for security.  I assume you are staying in the marriage because it is easier than leaving.  But it is a useless waste of your life and your husband's too, if you are unhappy.