Aa
Young Lawyer can't quit
The stress from my job is killing me, but I can't quit smoking no matter how hard I try....
I've been smoking since I was twelve, smoking regularly throughout high school, smoking even more college and law school; and kept on smoking during my two years working as a law clerk for the county courthouse, almost two packs a day for the past ten years --- and I just dont know how to quit. My new job as a entry level associate has me so stressed out Im smoking more than ever, but its getting me into trouble at work because Im always needing to take smoke breaks at the office, usually two or three in the morning, another for lunch, and at least another two or three more smoke breaks every the afternoon.
My new boss even recently complained that I always smell overpoweringly like stale cigarettes!! Even though I wear alot of perfume and chew alot of Nicorette Mint gum, its still not enough! Im afraid Chantix would make my anxiety attacks even worse and terrified of the thought of not being able to smoke again. I know thats just the addiction talking, but I dont know what else to do.
I've been smoking since I was twelve, smoking regularly throughout high school, smoking even more college and law school; and kept on smoking during my two years working as a law clerk for the county courthouse, almost two packs a day for the past ten years --- and I just dont know how to quit. My new job as a entry level associate has me so stressed out Im smoking more than ever, but its getting me into trouble at work because Im always needing to take smoke breaks at the office, usually two or three in the morning, another for lunch, and at least another two or three more smoke breaks every the afternoon.
My new boss even recently complained that I always smell overpoweringly like stale cigarettes!! Even though I wear alot of perfume and chew alot of Nicorette Mint gum, its still not enough! Im afraid Chantix would make my anxiety attacks even worse and terrified of the thought of not being able to smoke again. I know thats just the addiction talking, but I dont know what else to do.
You are not a pathetic person in any way, Stephanie. You are just doing the best you can. Nicotine addiction affects people in different ways. Just because four packs or more is the amount of nicotine that your body needs doesn't mean you're not a good person. Just be yourself, smoke what you need, and don't put yourself down. The more you stress yourself over quitting, the worse it will be. You'll quit when you're ready, and you'll know when that is. I'm sure you'll be quite a catch for a lucky man someday.
You sound so sad and alone, Stephanie. Reading your last post with all the alcohol (on top of the smoking), I also see stomach ulcers in your future. Shortly after becoming a member in this community, I was in a life or death situation due to undiagnosed (and ignored) ulcers. Made it IMPOSSIBLE to smoke or eat and I lost 20lbs. Putting anything down my throat was complete and utter torture for months. I have to be careful still, 6 yrs later.
I will not give up on you, Stephanie. I will continue to hope and pray I will see a post one day, you are "ready".
I will not give up on you, Stephanie. I will continue to hope and pray I will see a post one day, you are "ready".
desolation24, Im glad to hear that its possible for someone to believe theres nothing wrong with having a nicotine addiction. You are so right that it really is just who I am. I have been a smoker most of my life, and will probably be condemned to be a smoker for the rest of my life, no matter how hard I may try to convince myself otherwise.
This 4th of July weekend was basically case in point. I was really hopeful that I might be able to not have to smoke more than three packs a day when going over to a family BBQ, but the stress of being around my family got to me and I was chain smoking like a chimney with a pathetic deathwish. By the time the kids were shooting off fireworks, I had already finished my 4th pack of the day and actually had to drive to the convenience store down the street to buy some more.
I feel like I must be the worst rolemodel in the world sometimes. When I left for more cigarettes on July 4th, I took my nine year old niece with me, and felt guilty when I took her to the counter and asked for two packs, then corrected myself and said I might as well take three packs with a sigh. I realised she was behind me, smiling, getting a kick out of my overly dramatic flair. But it was only when we getting back in the car, and I was lighting up just as soon as she and I had closed the doors, that I saw the way she looked at me as I was lighting the cigarette, almost like she was taking notes. But she wasn't taking notes about somebody that she didn't want to be. She was watching me smoke, one cigarette after the other, and seeing in me someone that she admired. She even told me so, although not about the cigarettes, just about me being cool and funny and smart. Which are nice compliments, but I am not dumb enough to think that when she sees me smoking cigarette after cigarette, one pack after another, that she isn't getting the message that smokers are cool. Smokers are awesome. She's picking up that vibe, even if I told her not to, and there's nothing I can do about it. If I tell her not to smoke, and keep smoking in front of her, she wouldn't believe me. To her, she sees me as a cool person, and a smoker, and Im sure puts the two together just like I did when I was her age.
But smokers aren't cool. Were addicts. Were dependant upon this plant to make it through the day. Its ridiculous, but I can't escape it. And it makes me sad everytime I try to lie to myself and say that its "not a big deal" that I smoke FOUR packs a day. I can tell myself its less, but its not. Its four. Its insane really. I mean literally.
Travis, you want to know how much I smoked on July 4th? I don't really know for sure. I am honestly embarassed to admit it, because I was drinking heavily again, but I think it was right at 105 cigarettes before midnight. I kept on smoking after that, till 2am or so until I only had five cigarettes left in the second pack that my nine year old neice and I had bought at the convenience store earlier that night. But I was so drunk, I may have lost count. My throat was so inflamed, its probably a good think I was drinking, because Im sure I couldnt have done it otherwise.
But yes, Jade, you are right. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to quit yet, and so I remain condemned to keep smoking and ruining my health for yet another year, because I am too weak willed to ever let go of my friends.
Flycaster, you are right, I know where this is headed, and it doesn't end with me meeting mr right. He doesnt want a chainsmoking, wheezing, pasty colored, drunken ball of raw nerve and stressed out lawyer barely making it by. Thats not an appealing sight for anyone, no matter how hard I try to pretend otherwise. I wish I was turning into a yellow onion or whatever your anology was, because Im pretty sure thatd' be more attractive to a man than the road I'm headed down. Its pretty pathetic really. Thats about the best word for it. Now if you'll excuse me, Im pretty sure I need to pick up another carton of cigarettes on my way home from the office, because thats all the company I'm going to have tonight.
This 4th of July weekend was basically case in point. I was really hopeful that I might be able to not have to smoke more than three packs a day when going over to a family BBQ, but the stress of being around my family got to me and I was chain smoking like a chimney with a pathetic deathwish. By the time the kids were shooting off fireworks, I had already finished my 4th pack of the day and actually had to drive to the convenience store down the street to buy some more.
I feel like I must be the worst rolemodel in the world sometimes. When I left for more cigarettes on July 4th, I took my nine year old niece with me, and felt guilty when I took her to the counter and asked for two packs, then corrected myself and said I might as well take three packs with a sigh. I realised she was behind me, smiling, getting a kick out of my overly dramatic flair. But it was only when we getting back in the car, and I was lighting up just as soon as she and I had closed the doors, that I saw the way she looked at me as I was lighting the cigarette, almost like she was taking notes. But she wasn't taking notes about somebody that she didn't want to be. She was watching me smoke, one cigarette after the other, and seeing in me someone that she admired. She even told me so, although not about the cigarettes, just about me being cool and funny and smart. Which are nice compliments, but I am not dumb enough to think that when she sees me smoking cigarette after cigarette, one pack after another, that she isn't getting the message that smokers are cool. Smokers are awesome. She's picking up that vibe, even if I told her not to, and there's nothing I can do about it. If I tell her not to smoke, and keep smoking in front of her, she wouldn't believe me. To her, she sees me as a cool person, and a smoker, and Im sure puts the two together just like I did when I was her age.
But smokers aren't cool. Were addicts. Were dependant upon this plant to make it through the day. Its ridiculous, but I can't escape it. And it makes me sad everytime I try to lie to myself and say that its "not a big deal" that I smoke FOUR packs a day. I can tell myself its less, but its not. Its four. Its insane really. I mean literally.
Travis, you want to know how much I smoked on July 4th? I don't really know for sure. I am honestly embarassed to admit it, because I was drinking heavily again, but I think it was right at 105 cigarettes before midnight. I kept on smoking after that, till 2am or so until I only had five cigarettes left in the second pack that my nine year old neice and I had bought at the convenience store earlier that night. But I was so drunk, I may have lost count. My throat was so inflamed, its probably a good think I was drinking, because Im sure I couldnt have done it otherwise.
But yes, Jade, you are right. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to quit yet, and so I remain condemned to keep smoking and ruining my health for yet another year, because I am too weak willed to ever let go of my friends.
Flycaster, you are right, I know where this is headed, and it doesn't end with me meeting mr right. He doesnt want a chainsmoking, wheezing, pasty colored, drunken ball of raw nerve and stressed out lawyer barely making it by. Thats not an appealing sight for anyone, no matter how hard I try to pretend otherwise. I wish I was turning into a yellow onion or whatever your anology was, because Im pretty sure thatd' be more attractive to a man than the road I'm headed down. Its pretty pathetic really. Thats about the best word for it. Now if you'll excuse me, Im pretty sure I need to pick up another carton of cigarettes on my way home from the office, because thats all the company I'm going to have tonight.
You shouldn't be ashamed because of your addiction, Stephanie. No one is perfect. Stop beating yourself up about it and being depressed. You seem like a very good person with a kind heart and a great personality. Contrary to public opinion, there is nothing wrong with having a nicotine addiction. It is what it is and you are who you are. Just take it one day at a time.
There is an easy way to quit, just break a store window, hit the cop that comes. That's not really an answer...
I quit a pack a day habit when I was ushered into a Cath lab of a hospital with my first heart attack. I was twenty years older than you, but based on your hx you will be there soon. When that happens, you may find it easier to quit. Based on your four pack habit, I rather think you might not worry about relationships, as you will soon start looking like a yellow onion, I'm sorry to say. That's not very attractive, and I bet it won't attract law partners.
That said, it is reversible. You can quit, millions and millions of us have and extended our life years.
I quit a pack a day habit when I was ushered into a Cath lab of a hospital with my first heart attack. I was twenty years older than you, but based on your hx you will be there soon. When that happens, you may find it easier to quit. Based on your four pack habit, I rather think you might not worry about relationships, as you will soon start looking like a yellow onion, I'm sorry to say. That's not very attractive, and I bet it won't attract law partners.
That said, it is reversible. You can quit, millions and millions of us have and extended our life years.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Smoking Cessation Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
