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Young Lawyer can't quit
The stress from my job is killing me, but I can't quit smoking no matter how hard I try....
I've been smoking since I was twelve, smoking regularly throughout high school, smoking even more college and law school; and kept on smoking during my two years working as a law clerk for the county courthouse, almost two packs a day for the past ten years --- and I just dont know how to quit. My new job as a entry level associate has me so stressed out Im smoking more than ever, but its getting me into trouble at work because Im always needing to take smoke breaks at the office, usually two or three in the morning, another for lunch, and at least another two or three more smoke breaks every the afternoon.
My new boss even recently complained that I always smell overpoweringly like stale cigarettes!! Even though I wear alot of perfume and chew alot of Nicorette Mint gum, its still not enough! Im afraid Chantix would make my anxiety attacks even worse and terrified of the thought of not being able to smoke again. I know thats just the addiction talking, but I dont know what else to do.
I've been smoking since I was twelve, smoking regularly throughout high school, smoking even more college and law school; and kept on smoking during my two years working as a law clerk for the county courthouse, almost two packs a day for the past ten years --- and I just dont know how to quit. My new job as a entry level associate has me so stressed out Im smoking more than ever, but its getting me into trouble at work because Im always needing to take smoke breaks at the office, usually two or three in the morning, another for lunch, and at least another two or three more smoke breaks every the afternoon.
My new boss even recently complained that I always smell overpoweringly like stale cigarettes!! Even though I wear alot of perfume and chew alot of Nicorette Mint gum, its still not enough! Im afraid Chantix would make my anxiety attacks even worse and terrified of the thought of not being able to smoke again. I know thats just the addiction talking, but I dont know what else to do.
Confession:
I gave up on trying to quit smoking almost fifteen months ago, it was just too hard trying to artificially limit myself to less than three packs a day. Also, Not long after my last post over a year ago I was in a car wreck while driving back from a bar and I got a dwi. I've gotten dwis before, two while in college, and I thought I had learned my lesson.
The stress over my third dwi caused my chain smoking to really get out of hand and I got to where smoking four or sometimes four and a half packs a day was all I could do to keep from driving myself crazy. I can say for sure that as bad as three and a half packs a day used to make me feel, it's nowhere near as rough as four and a half packs a day. When I smoked that much it was like my cigarettes literally ruled my life.
Fortunately my first dwi was just over ten years ago, so this most recent dwi only counts as my second dwi, not my third, so the punishment isn't quite as severe. I still lost my license for a year, had to pay thousands of dollars in jail times and had to do several weekends of community service, mostly picking up cigarette butts in the park. I'm also supposed to go to AA meetings, but I feel so guilty at those meetings that the first thing I do when I get home is have a few drinks to help myself unwind. I know that's so wrong, but it's true.
On top of that I nearly lost my job after the dwi, in fact I'm lucky I didn't get fired, only put on probation.
Needless to say all of that was far too stressful to try to quit smoking, so I just let myself slip back into my three to three and a half pack a day cigarette addiction, because it was the one thing giving me any comfort.
Maybe when I'm forty I'll think about trying to quit smoking again, but I just don't think I have the strength to try to give up my cigarettes again, I just need them too much.
I gave up on trying to quit smoking almost fifteen months ago, it was just too hard trying to artificially limit myself to less than three packs a day. Also, Not long after my last post over a year ago I was in a car wreck while driving back from a bar and I got a dwi. I've gotten dwis before, two while in college, and I thought I had learned my lesson.
The stress over my third dwi caused my chain smoking to really get out of hand and I got to where smoking four or sometimes four and a half packs a day was all I could do to keep from driving myself crazy. I can say for sure that as bad as three and a half packs a day used to make me feel, it's nowhere near as rough as four and a half packs a day. When I smoked that much it was like my cigarettes literally ruled my life.
Fortunately my first dwi was just over ten years ago, so this most recent dwi only counts as my second dwi, not my third, so the punishment isn't quite as severe. I still lost my license for a year, had to pay thousands of dollars in jail times and had to do several weekends of community service, mostly picking up cigarette butts in the park. I'm also supposed to go to AA meetings, but I feel so guilty at those meetings that the first thing I do when I get home is have a few drinks to help myself unwind. I know that's so wrong, but it's true.
On top of that I nearly lost my job after the dwi, in fact I'm lucky I didn't get fired, only put on probation.
Needless to say all of that was far too stressful to try to quit smoking, so I just let myself slip back into my three to three and a half pack a day cigarette addiction, because it was the one thing giving me any comfort.
Maybe when I'm forty I'll think about trying to quit smoking again, but I just don't think I have the strength to try to give up my cigarettes again, I just need them too much.
By the way, my father smoked about 75 per day from 11 years of age (well when I knew him it was that many - prob not when he was 11!) and his quit day was the day Princess Di was killed. He has not smoked since so since he did it I believe ANYONE can do it. I even think with me doing it, anyone can do it. I had pretty much given up all hope with me.
You CAN do it..it is possible no matter how hooked we are!
You CAN do it..it is possible no matter how hooked we are!
one morning break I mean...how long do you "officially" get? Usually it is 10-15 minutes so for your morning break, don't have five breaks...have one break until lunch.
also I might add I get the impression sometimes you are smoking instead of eating. Am I correct?
Another thing..alcohol is a major trigger. It is like bread and butter to us. Don't try to not smoke when u r drinking. Not yet anyway. It would be better not to drink at all but that is a bit further away yet!
also I might add I get the impression sometimes you are smoking instead of eating. Am I correct?
Another thing..alcohol is a major trigger. It is like bread and butter to us. Don't try to not smoke when u r drinking. Not yet anyway. It would be better not to drink at all but that is a bit further away yet!
Hi Stephanie,
You remind me a lot of me when I was in my 20s. I am now in my 40s and have only recently managed to quit smoking. I smoked 50+ per day for 31 years but those 50+ a day cost me about $30 a day as I am in Australia and they are very expensive here.
You worry me as you already have the cancer gene in your family and even with this knowledge, it has not been enough to assist you to quit. I know you know it deep down but it really is important with that knowledge that you address your smoking and I realise that you are.
Every time you cut down you are succeeding. You are not necessarily succeeding in quitting but you are succeeding by discovering that you CAN cut down. I don't think you want to take the long journey I have but I will tell you how I managed to get to the point where I knew I could quit.
The first thing you need to do is address your self esteem I think. Not being able to quit or even cut down is not because you are lacking in will power. Some of it is but nicotine is a highly addictive drug comparable to cocaine, heroin etc. The psychological addiction I have read often is even worse.
The first thing to remember every time you smoke is not that you are smoking to relax, relieve boredom, relieve tension, celebrate an event etc etc. The ONLY reason you are smoking (for the most part) is to stave off nicotine withdrawal. You are NOT smoking to relieve stress...in fact nicotine is a stimulant that will only heighten your stress/anxiety, increase insomnia and so on. You believe it decreases stress because you feel more relaxed after you have smoked however many you choose to squeeze into the limited time you have on your breaks in you endeavour to make it longer until the next withdrawals begin. You feel less tension because you have staved off the nicotine withdrawals.
Nicotine withdrawals can be so uncomfortable you are constantly smoking so as to never allow your body to enter that state. We go into withdrawal within 20 minutes of smoking the last cigarette so I guess constantly smoking means you are never experiencing withdrawal.
The fear of not smoking is part of the addiction and part of the thinking.
If I were you I would try cutting down on the amount of nicotine that is in your cigs first. If you smoke 12 mg cigarettes, cut back to 8 mg and so on.
I know some people can quit cold turkey and I even understand it is better to quit cold turkey because that way once you go through the physical withdrawal stage you then only need to conquer the psychological addiction. I don't think this is for everyone though. Some people do not seem to be as physically addicted as others. Women tend to have a harder time with the physical addiction than men it seems to me. From what I have read, from feedback and just from observations I have found that to be true. I don't know if this is scientifically proven but it is what I believe. Also it must feel great to quit cold turkey and I imagine if I had done it that way I would be gloating about it too!
So with you Stephanie to me it seems
1/ You certainly need to address your anxiety and lack of confidence professionally.
I think once you set yourself some goals and see that you CAN do it (as you are currently by attempting to cut down) then your confidence will grow and your fear of quitting will start to dissipate. I don't think the fear ever goes away though. There is quite a grieving process involved for some people that give up cigarettes or even consider giving up cigarettes. For instance with me I work in a doctors surgery but previously worked in the music industry. One career path practically encouraged smoking (in the day!) but the other career path..well you can't go into a doctor's surgery and have the receptionist stinking of smoke, can you? What doctor would employ a girl that reeks of smoke to work for him? When I changed careers I made damn sure I chose one that was not amenable to smoking. Drastic step changing your career esp if you have chosen law so prob not something you want to pursue.....! Anyway, set a goal at work such as I will only have one morning break per day to start with...your morning break is 15 mins....and that is it..no more cigs then until your lunch break. You can do that. You can def do that. Once you see you can achieve that continue on that path for a while and when you feel you can do it...add the same philosophy to your afternoon break...and so on.
Baby steps...you will slowly but surely increase your confidence.
2/ Don't feel that what works for one person works for everyone. It doesn't. Try anything and everything. Learn from your mistakes and continue to set small goals for yourself. Don't beat yourself up for failing but look at mistakes as learning experiences. Right now you are constantly beating yourself up because I think what u r constantly striving for is pretty impossible to achieve...you don't have the mindset to stick to 49 per day. (I think anyone would think..what diff would one more make?....) Does anyone? Make smaller goals such as the morning break one, like I said...or as you have done..allow yourself only 5 cigs before work and stick to it. Don't make day long goals...just baby steps. Make a goal you know you can achieve but in some way it is still an achievement.
Start with that and then I will give you some more advice.
So Monday at work (I don't know your weekend routine or I would start with tomorrow)...for your morning break you are only going to have one, okay?
See how you go with that.
Viola
You remind me a lot of me when I was in my 20s. I am now in my 40s and have only recently managed to quit smoking. I smoked 50+ per day for 31 years but those 50+ a day cost me about $30 a day as I am in Australia and they are very expensive here.
You worry me as you already have the cancer gene in your family and even with this knowledge, it has not been enough to assist you to quit. I know you know it deep down but it really is important with that knowledge that you address your smoking and I realise that you are.
Every time you cut down you are succeeding. You are not necessarily succeeding in quitting but you are succeeding by discovering that you CAN cut down. I don't think you want to take the long journey I have but I will tell you how I managed to get to the point where I knew I could quit.
The first thing you need to do is address your self esteem I think. Not being able to quit or even cut down is not because you are lacking in will power. Some of it is but nicotine is a highly addictive drug comparable to cocaine, heroin etc. The psychological addiction I have read often is even worse.
The first thing to remember every time you smoke is not that you are smoking to relax, relieve boredom, relieve tension, celebrate an event etc etc. The ONLY reason you are smoking (for the most part) is to stave off nicotine withdrawal. You are NOT smoking to relieve stress...in fact nicotine is a stimulant that will only heighten your stress/anxiety, increase insomnia and so on. You believe it decreases stress because you feel more relaxed after you have smoked however many you choose to squeeze into the limited time you have on your breaks in you endeavour to make it longer until the next withdrawals begin. You feel less tension because you have staved off the nicotine withdrawals.
Nicotine withdrawals can be so uncomfortable you are constantly smoking so as to never allow your body to enter that state. We go into withdrawal within 20 minutes of smoking the last cigarette so I guess constantly smoking means you are never experiencing withdrawal.
The fear of not smoking is part of the addiction and part of the thinking.
If I were you I would try cutting down on the amount of nicotine that is in your cigs first. If you smoke 12 mg cigarettes, cut back to 8 mg and so on.
I know some people can quit cold turkey and I even understand it is better to quit cold turkey because that way once you go through the physical withdrawal stage you then only need to conquer the psychological addiction. I don't think this is for everyone though. Some people do not seem to be as physically addicted as others. Women tend to have a harder time with the physical addiction than men it seems to me. From what I have read, from feedback and just from observations I have found that to be true. I don't know if this is scientifically proven but it is what I believe. Also it must feel great to quit cold turkey and I imagine if I had done it that way I would be gloating about it too!
So with you Stephanie to me it seems
1/ You certainly need to address your anxiety and lack of confidence professionally.
I think once you set yourself some goals and see that you CAN do it (as you are currently by attempting to cut down) then your confidence will grow and your fear of quitting will start to dissipate. I don't think the fear ever goes away though. There is quite a grieving process involved for some people that give up cigarettes or even consider giving up cigarettes. For instance with me I work in a doctors surgery but previously worked in the music industry. One career path practically encouraged smoking (in the day!) but the other career path..well you can't go into a doctor's surgery and have the receptionist stinking of smoke, can you? What doctor would employ a girl that reeks of smoke to work for him? When I changed careers I made damn sure I chose one that was not amenable to smoking. Drastic step changing your career esp if you have chosen law so prob not something you want to pursue.....! Anyway, set a goal at work such as I will only have one morning break per day to start with...your morning break is 15 mins....and that is it..no more cigs then until your lunch break. You can do that. You can def do that. Once you see you can achieve that continue on that path for a while and when you feel you can do it...add the same philosophy to your afternoon break...and so on.
Baby steps...you will slowly but surely increase your confidence.
2/ Don't feel that what works for one person works for everyone. It doesn't. Try anything and everything. Learn from your mistakes and continue to set small goals for yourself. Don't beat yourself up for failing but look at mistakes as learning experiences. Right now you are constantly beating yourself up because I think what u r constantly striving for is pretty impossible to achieve...you don't have the mindset to stick to 49 per day. (I think anyone would think..what diff would one more make?....) Does anyone? Make smaller goals such as the morning break one, like I said...or as you have done..allow yourself only 5 cigs before work and stick to it. Don't make day long goals...just baby steps. Make a goal you know you can achieve but in some way it is still an achievement.
Start with that and then I will give you some more advice.
So Monday at work (I don't know your weekend routine or I would start with tomorrow)...for your morning break you are only going to have one, okay?
See how you go with that.
Viola
This quitting roller coaster is driving me crazy. After my last post I managed to shame and punish myself into keeping an "absolute limit" of not smoking more than two and a half packs of cigarettes a day. After nearly two weeks of successfully keeping myself to 50 or less a day, I set what I thought was a reasonable goal of slowly cutting back on how much I smoked, since my other efforts to cut back were too sudden to be successful.
So instead I decided that I would make a self imposed limit of 2 and a half packs a day for the month of March, then decrease by one cigarette each month for the rest of the year, with the hopeful goal to be able to reliably get by on 2 packs a day (or less) by December. Even with all my manic gum chewing and pill popping and sleepless nights yearning for more cigarettes, I finally caved in and said that I need to slow down the rate of my decrease, to give me more time to ease into it.
I will admit this past friday night I went on something of a binge, having already smoked 2 packs by the time I left work at 6pm and headed straight to the bar to meet a friend from out of town. I had already worn my favorite mini-pencil skirt and questionably professional stilleto heels to work without pantyhose and felt frisky and self confident enough to go out as is. I think Im going to have to add more conservative dress to my list of things I need personal improvement on, but either way, my friend and I managed to meet so cute guys that night, and I fell back to my nervous crutch of cigarettes to help me ease myself through awkward conversations. I know thats wrong. I guess it was just my luck that this bar had an actual cigarette vending machine in the back, I hadnt seen those in years, since when I was in middle school and used to get my cigarettes from them. Anyways, one drink led to two then three then four and so on for the rest of the evening until, and similarly, one pack let to two, then, embarassingly having to buy a third pack three, before my memory sorta blanks out around 2am when I think the bar closed. Either way, Im just glad that I managed to get home safe, because I dont remember driving and it could of been bad.
I felt awful all day saturday, particularly saturday morning, and my throat felt terribly raw and throbbing like Ive never felt before and my chest felt painfully tight again like it felt a few months ago when I first started getting worried that I might have been smoking too much and really damaging my lungs. I knew I needed to get back on the quitting-waggon. I thought about writing some pity filled post, declaring how Id just throw in the towel and give in to my cigarette addiction; but instead I decided that I needed to just keep on with the plan. I didnt want to be a slave to 3 packs a day for the rest of my life - so I had to own up to it, and continue with my 50 a day or less plan and keep gradually cutting back until I reach the goal.
So after a pity party Saturday, in which I only smoked 48 cigarettes because my throat was still so sore, and a suprisingly alright sunday where I managed to keep it to an even 50 for the day; I had what I would call great success on monday - when I managed to smoke only 46 all day, and was about to light up the 47th as I went to bed, when I said to myself that I was done and would save it for the next morning. Although I thought about that cigarette as I went to sleep, and eventually woke up at 4am on a tuesday and ended up having it then. So far Im only half way through my second pack today, and I have every reason to believe that I can keep it to less that 50 before bedtime. I know this doesnt sound like the greatest achievement - but I feel like Im making progress, psychologically if not otherwise.
So instead I decided that I would make a self imposed limit of 2 and a half packs a day for the month of March, then decrease by one cigarette each month for the rest of the year, with the hopeful goal to be able to reliably get by on 2 packs a day (or less) by December. Even with all my manic gum chewing and pill popping and sleepless nights yearning for more cigarettes, I finally caved in and said that I need to slow down the rate of my decrease, to give me more time to ease into it.
I will admit this past friday night I went on something of a binge, having already smoked 2 packs by the time I left work at 6pm and headed straight to the bar to meet a friend from out of town. I had already worn my favorite mini-pencil skirt and questionably professional stilleto heels to work without pantyhose and felt frisky and self confident enough to go out as is. I think Im going to have to add more conservative dress to my list of things I need personal improvement on, but either way, my friend and I managed to meet so cute guys that night, and I fell back to my nervous crutch of cigarettes to help me ease myself through awkward conversations. I know thats wrong. I guess it was just my luck that this bar had an actual cigarette vending machine in the back, I hadnt seen those in years, since when I was in middle school and used to get my cigarettes from them. Anyways, one drink led to two then three then four and so on for the rest of the evening until, and similarly, one pack let to two, then, embarassingly having to buy a third pack three, before my memory sorta blanks out around 2am when I think the bar closed. Either way, Im just glad that I managed to get home safe, because I dont remember driving and it could of been bad.
I felt awful all day saturday, particularly saturday morning, and my throat felt terribly raw and throbbing like Ive never felt before and my chest felt painfully tight again like it felt a few months ago when I first started getting worried that I might have been smoking too much and really damaging my lungs. I knew I needed to get back on the quitting-waggon. I thought about writing some pity filled post, declaring how Id just throw in the towel and give in to my cigarette addiction; but instead I decided that I needed to just keep on with the plan. I didnt want to be a slave to 3 packs a day for the rest of my life - so I had to own up to it, and continue with my 50 a day or less plan and keep gradually cutting back until I reach the goal.
So after a pity party Saturday, in which I only smoked 48 cigarettes because my throat was still so sore, and a suprisingly alright sunday where I managed to keep it to an even 50 for the day; I had what I would call great success on monday - when I managed to smoke only 46 all day, and was about to light up the 47th as I went to bed, when I said to myself that I was done and would save it for the next morning. Although I thought about that cigarette as I went to sleep, and eventually woke up at 4am on a tuesday and ended up having it then. So far Im only half way through my second pack today, and I have every reason to believe that I can keep it to less that 50 before bedtime. I know this doesnt sound like the greatest achievement - but I feel like Im making progress, psychologically if not otherwise.
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