Am I alone? Is there something wrong with me?

[Gillyhurts]

I recently joined and offered advice to someone detailing some things I went through as a child. I won't go through what I wrote down except one thing. Most likely from one week old, definitely till I was in kindergarten, I was being molested by my godfather . I explained in my post that I wanted to die. Age 3 to 6 most memorable. My mother said she had the hardest time keeping me away from toxic chemicals. I was always trying to ingest them. I have a feeling my mother eventually knew, because at 5 I got very ill with chicken pox and she left me alone everyday, instead of going to my godparents. I never had contact with them again. I was treated differently from my older sister and brother. They were a family and I was always sent off to my Grannies place for the summer, which I loved because I knew she wanted me there. At home, I was always treated like a freak. When someone knew was introduced to me, I would grab my Dads leg and hind behind it. I can still hear them ask him " what's wrong with her? ". I never felt comfortable with anybody. Always feeling like I was a huge mistake. I knew I wasn't wanted. Then over the years, after begging my mom to just tell me I was adopted, or something to explain my treatment. My dad who used to be an affectionate father, turned into a man who could not stand to be in the same room as me. If I was there, he would turn right around and leave the room. I was 13, and never did anything wrong. I never felt welcome in my own home.
After listening to my mom talk over the years, I gathered up some puzzle pieces. She found out her IUD dislodged into her uterus. She told me on several occasions that I was supposed to be a twin. When I got pregnant with my first child, she said I can get my womb scrapped, and that she had this done.
I always wondered if when she found out she was pregnant, she had the procedure, but the doctor only got one of us. My siblings also made me know that I wasn't supposed to be born. They are much older than me, so they would know.
I never felt like part of the family, just a mistake. My life is compounded with guilt. Yes, a lot of that could be due to the molestation, but feeling I should be dead? There are countless (so sadly) of people who are molested, that have no thoughts of wanting to be dead. I even told my mom, if I die, throw my remains in the garbage, and was totally serious. As usual she had no reaction to this, in fact there was an instance after finding out my husband was cheating on me and emptied out my bank accounts, left to raise 2 autistic children on my own with no money, I called her. I was completely lost and told her I wanted to take my own life. She then said "I have to let you go!". I knew I had absolutely no one in my life who cared and I couldn't leave my boys with that. They are what keeps me going, though I wish she never had me, and it's not my fault that she did, I have two beautiful boys, who love me and need me.

[Gillyhurts]

My Dad died. My Mother is still alive, and I still have to deal with this. As I said previously, you need to read the full story. Most of it is layed out in my first post.
I had to live with being a sexual implement from birth till I was 5. None of this was done by a family member, but by a caretaker. My mother said she had the hardest time keeping me from ingesting poisonous chemicals. And my earliest memories are of trying to kill myself with oven cleaner. I can't remember my age, it was below 5, I just remember saying " I want to go home, I want to go home." I was angry that I didn't die.
I believe I was a mistake. I was told so. I was treated so. And I feel guilty for being here. I tried to end it many times. At 16, I should have died. I took the amount of pills that I needed. Took them on a Friday night, woke up Sunday night. Did my parents care where I was?
I beg God to take my life and let someone who is dying, live. I doesn't make sense to me. He won't do it. People who are loved and make a difference pass, and I'm still here. It's not right!

[Nighthawk61]

I'm so glad that your boys are doing well, and that you've maintained such a loving home for them. You sound like you are a GREAT MOTHER...

The kind of healing i'm talking about has nothing to do with your kids, although i understand fully what Rock Rose has said, on some level your kids know something has hurt their mom. The kind of healing that you need is for you. The friends that you can make on your journey are for you. Your kids will like it if they can know that you have made friends. Just as you are happy to hear that they have made friends. I think that is what Rock Rose meant. and i think she's right. You don't have to be angry anymore. You can do something to help yourself, but it will take action on your part,. Can you please consider getting the book at least ?

[Nighthawk61]

All i know is this. If i let my parent's continue to haunt my life and use me as a pawn, they won. It's not like they're up there in heaven being heathens I doubt. I believe that upon entering the next phase of existence, they became well aware of their shortcomings, and were duly ashamed and sorry for what they have done, by not dealing with their shortcomings on earth and making amends. If they could make amends to you now, i'm almost 100% sure that they would. Does that make any difference to you? Can you not imagine how sorry they are , now that they are on the other side? I think you need to face this and not bury how you're feelings, but i think you need to try by going to the meetings i talked about . You said nothing when i commented about the group Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families.. I got to the point in my own life, that i was not going to let others who have harmed me in the past own me in my present. And i was rewarded with a loving partner. The universe reached out to me and gave me something in return for my opening myself up to certain understandings or philosophies. Maybe it can help you too. It feel so freeing to not be mad anymore. It CAN happen, even in the worst cases.
I pray for this for you. Only because i was helped myself.

THANK YOU ROCK ROSE FOR THE SUGGESTION OF READING

Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  

I pray that you give peace a chance, and pick up a copy of this book. I also have another title for you, but for now, i think it would be very healing if you could only give it a chance and get this book. Please don't think that your hate will satisfy you as much as understanding might. You can learn to forgive the human condition and let go of your hatred. I felt as you did, until I put in the effort to get away from those thoughts.It was so hard to carry that weight all those years, and so freeing to let it go.

You don't have to wait until you pass on to straighten this out, you can do now for yourself what you will inevitably do when you pass on, and that is to accept and understand that many people on this earth make mistakes,terrible mistakes that they regret fully and take full responsibility when they pass on. Your parents HAVE CHANGED. and  they are both aware of everything that they did wrong raising you. Your hating them still is only because you are on this earth and upon entering the next stage you WILL FORGIVE THEM BOTH. IF you can understand what i'm saying her, the healing has begun. Please give yourself that chance of healing here on this earth. You can make a good friend or two , and maybe even help others suffering , if you were to go and open up at a meeting of ACOA. You could be the one to help others if you would only read some words of comfort. and heal thyself.

[Gillyhurts]

I appreciate what you are saying, but as far as my kids are concerned, I dedicated my life to them. I don't know if you read my whole story, but my children are why I'm here.

I have to take offence at me raising my kids. I have always kept a strong parental front. Both boys are Autistic, and I've had to deal with them both being abused in the school system. I worked to the bone to have their rights being respected. Due to my work, my oldest is a success story. He went from not being able to speak or express his own thought to graduating with honours and has his own car. Though my youngest is worse off due to what he suffered in school.But he's loving and is all about hugs. My boys are happy. They have no idea how I feel inside. I wanted to give my children what I never had, and that is a loving parent.

There's so much to my story that I had already laid out. But the one thing I cling to, is that I am a good mother. If you take that away from me, I have nothing .

Thank you for your Best Wishes

[RockRose]

Gilly,  if you have kids,  you aren't alone for the rest of your life.  

You don't realize it,  but you are passing a piece of the legacy down to your kids.  Living your life every day wanting to die and having no friends  is no way to raise kids,  and no way to live.  

Because truthfully,  it's harder to recover than it is to decide recovery isn't possible.  If you're in a boat that capsizes in the ocean,  it's harder to swim for days to shore than it is to just give up and stop treading water.  It's easier to drown.

But since you have kids and you want to break this cycle,  you have to keep swimming.  For them.  So this cycle doesn't repeat and they have a firm foothold in life.

Read Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  And don't put it down at the point you break down in sobs.  That's the part of the book that will help you the most.

Best wishes.

[Gillyhurts]

Exactly, I could not give forgiveness because it would be a lie. To me, lying to him on his deathbed would be so wrong. I'll live forever with what he did to me. I will never except love. I will be alone for the rest of my life.
You don't have a child to play out some angered scenario of what you went through as a child. Both my mom and dad did this. Reenact everything that was done to them, but now they have control.
Everyday I want to die, but can't due to my children. And I have to live this wasted life. I have no friends, obviously no family. How do I keep going? It's a lonely existence, if you call it that. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just know I was a mistake. I paid a heavy price for it!