Do adult children lie about being sexually abused as children?

[MOM42SF]

I am desperate for help. Last summer my world fell apart when my 26 year old daughter send me a message that her father had molested her for years as a child. I was shocked. The thought of that made me sick and I had never seen any signs but I didn't want to be that stupid mother that calls her daughter a liar. She claims I knew because I asked her so many times if anyone had touched her inappropirately but I was just trying to be a good mother and would never ever ignore such a thing. My grown son says he never saw anything but wholeheartedly believes his sister as this is the first time she has ever given him any attention at all. Of course my husband of 30 years denies any wrongdoing and I can't believe he is capable but thats what all say. We had a good life and their childhood seemed pretty idyllic to me but when my daughter turned 16 she started to be very hostile and through high school and college hated us more and more, especially me. Now she says this is the reason for the hate and it does make sense. Its the perfect storm. I dont know what to think or do and have lost both my children at this point. Initially I did offer to go to the police with her or to individual or family counseling or to confront him together but she refused to do anything said she just wanted me to know. I don't know what to do and there doesn't seem a solution. My husband is rightfully hurt that I am not 100% behind him and I have tried because I don't believe he could or would do that to his daughter but I'm so scared of being wrong."

[Destinyx3]

Hey I just wanted to share with you as a girl who was molested by her father as well. I am 26 years old now but when I was in my teen years I hated my mother for what my father had done to me when I was a child. Only because I felt like she knew or should have known and should have protected me. I gave her so much attitude that she ended up taking me to a psychiatrist because she felt that I was unstable. That made me grow even more resentment towards her for not knowing I was acting up because I was being physically hurt. After I told my mother she questioned him and he denied it. Sstayed with my father and till this day he denies absolutely everything and calls me a liar. Now my father is sick and my mother and I are the ones taking care of him. How unfair life is! I'm still burdened from my past and am still suffering, having to be in this predicament at an older age.

[Bttrfly62]

What were the results of the polygraph?

[Megsdemona]

You always believe your child. Always. And he is not 100% rightfully hurt because you aren't backing him. Everyone comments the most amazing thing about me is my mothering. He should be 100% supportive and if he is truly innocent then be supportive in getting to the bottom of it and seeking family counseling to get to the bottom of it. I don't agree with it being jealous. You can be a daddy's girl and be his victim of sexual abuse. It's quite horrifying but it really shakes the mind and children have to find ways to cope. And there are many different responses to coping to such tragic situations. A child's mind can only handle so much which is why children often repress or create false realities to cope during sexual abuse. I'm 28 and I have a 6 year old girl. We went through something similar two years ago. Never got to the bottom of it. It was alleged her stepbrother and the first thing her father said (while I'm in tears calling him telling him word for word what she said) is "she's lying". What kind of parent doesn't 100% support that allegation. Every professional will tell you to believe the child until otherwise. Now, her being an adult may change their approach, but you should seek professional advice before backing your husband and believing your daughter is a liar.

[NightVisions]

Do adult children lie about sexual abuse? Rarely;  there's too much to lose. Do wives of abusers lie to themselves in an effort to justify remaining with their spouses? Oh yes, they absolutely do. I read every single comment in this thread, and I was struck, time and again, at how hard you're working at NOT believing your daughter despite that her words rang true when you first heard  them. If it clicked on day one, it should still be clicking now. If you choose to stay with your husband at this point for financial reasons or other concerns, that's on you. Just stop lying to yourself and your child about why you're doing so. You'd never ignore abuse of a child? What then, do you think you're doing now?

[CreativeSpirit344]

In our area two teens ran way because one teen has been abused by his father since the day he was born. They have been missing for 5 days. The mother of this teen won't leave the father, so he ran and can't be found anywhere yet. I know how that feels. Its a real shame children are just pushed into such terror. Why? They are our gifts in life and our future. It needs to be better.

[Amburpsalm139]

My sister and I both were sexually abused by my former stepfather. When I finally told someone ,my mother and him were not married at the time ,and I did not know he was abusing my sister only me. They broke up for two weeks and he denied it and my mom thought maybe I had back flashes because I was sexually abused when I was younger by a step cousin. So in turn they got back together and she actually married him because everyone believed him. So the abuse stopped for awhile but then started again. I was always a grade A student but I turned to drugs and skipping school and staying away from home as much as possible. I did blame my mom for being blind to the fact. And my sister has so many problems now later on in life she is still on drugs and hates the world and actually just got out of prison for failing a drug test. I think her life would be very different and she wouldnt be so angry if this never happened. I gave my life to Jesus in 2005 and I struggled with forgiving this man for what he had done. I have forgiven him but it has changed my life. You said your daughter is getting married so Im sure this is causing problems with her and her soon to be husband. I did have premarital sex with men but it meant nothing to me because I viewed sex as dirty. It caused a strain on my first husband and I because I had to deal with what happened to me and I didnt even like for him to touch me sometimes. It is really hard to get past that in your life. It took me years after giving my life to Christ before I actually felt like I was healed of the burdens I carried. If I did not have Jesus in my life I believe I would still have issues with it. My first husband and I both gave our life's to the Lord and we had a our daughter together. I thought we had this great life and what a Christian life was supposed to look like. Well after six yes of being married he had an affair and he is now married to that woman. That is very different than what happened to your daughter or to my sister and I but my point is that he denied it to me for over six months and I believed him because when you love someone you cant believe they could do something so terrible even when signs are there. I am very happily remarried to a great Man that loves Jesus and I believe one day that my ex husband will truly come back to his first love,which is Jesus Christ our savior. Your daughter is not jealous of your relationship with you and her father if she has pulled away the past ten years and finally has gotten the courage to deal with what has happened,then she needs support and it will be a long recovery before she can fully deal with this. It affects every part of your life and choices you make until you can fully deal with what happened. She will have major trust issues with her husband and be very protective of her children also.I pray that you will believe your daughter even though it hurts very much because she needs you and everything you explained is similar to my story. Kids lash out for a reason and distance themselves for a reason. I will be praying for you all and your situation. And when you all have grandchildren there will still be problems there. Your husband needs help,child molesters dont just change on there own that drive is still in them. Ultimately God can change them because he can change anyones life but your husband is still in denial because he hasnt even come to terms with what he has done. If you need someone to talk to or pray with or just guidance you can email me at ***@****. Hope me sharing my story helps you and your family

[CreativeSpirit344]

I agree with you Amburpsamls136 (I hope I spelled that right). I was sexually molested for 5 years and rapted for 2 years by my mom's uncle from age 5-12. Then rapted by my brother's best friend at 14. I so lost after that that I had an eating disorder and self mutalation. Then at 15 I started to drink alcohol. I was even deeper in the pit of torture. At the age of 36 I got arrested, got into treatment , counseling,AA, and the best part, finding Jesus. He's my latter that got me out of the dark hole into light. I was doing better but then my husband had an affair and worst of all he molested our 13 year old daughter on visitation for 6 months. I noticed anger, hysterical crying, self mutalation, insomnia, and not caring to live. Once she finally revealed the truth with my gentle questions, such as , "Did he touch you in anyway that felt really uncomfortable and confusing?" So she asked about certain things he did. I'm not going into detail for her privacy but I was floored but that was the only time in her life where he touched her in a way I became suspicious. If anyone does things that don't seem right then it is the parent's right to get them away from the abuse. I blamed and hated my mom for a very long time but it was out of her control and it was the abuser's fault. End of story and survivors need support, professional counseling, unconditional love, a shoulder to cry on, and the understanding of their point of view. So people have a heart because it is a VERY BIG deal for the victims. My daughter and I cut all ties to my exhusband, her biological father and she has my love and time to take her to counseling and praying for her recovery to happen better than I. It took me 32 years to tell anyone!! That's a lot of anger and pain to hold in for sooo long. I hope this helps. God bless and think of what Jesus would do.

[Nighthawk61]

Oops, typo,..this......(But, as i said, the last thing my sister was into, was a diagnosis,) was supposed to read, a Cancer diagnosis, but she had lied so often who knew if it was true or not.

+++++++++++++++++

I'm sorry to hear that your son has dropped out because of all of this. I think you should talk to him, if you can, about his talking it out with a therapist. so he can get back to his life again.

Time has a way of showing the guilty party up and also of healing. i pray for both of these for you and your family.