I have relapsed with opiates....feel horrible

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I did something totally different this time.  I was using the pods I was on less (opium plant pods) and switched to heroin about a month ago, while using pods here and there.  I worked my way up to 2-3 bags per day (20 dollars a bag) using them at one dose at night, or two doses within an hour because I felt nothing usually after about an hour.  I was snorting these.  The first time I tried cold turkey, I relapsed because I had the opium pods around.  I didn't get rid of them and after a week I figured I can use them here and there and not get addicted, horrible mistake.  This time, I got rid of the number I use to get the heroin, totally cut off all possibilities to get opium pods so there are none left at home and even took it a step further and got rid of the ultram which I had 20 pills of.  So I took my last dose of heroin (3 bags) on wednesday night, thursday I was fully clean, friday I was clean for half the day and then I started getting out of breath and got horrible anxiety (mind you I'm doing this alone) so I took one 50 mg ultram.  I still feel relatively ok physically.  I took that ultram at about 6 pm and it's now 1:56 am, still no physical symptoms except inability to sleep, a little runny nose, muscle aches that are tolerable, and here is the one I really have trouble with...horrible depression.  I never felt so horribly alone in my life...of course because no one knows that I used and no one knows that I'm withdrawing now as I took a week off to go through withdrawals.  I got rid of all the ultram (flushed it all down the toilet).  So now there is absolutely no turning back.  If I leave the house to even search a new spot for drugs (which knowing me is unlikely because of the high risk of getting caught), I will be questioned and either way, the car is in the shop so I can't even drive so I really have no possibility now.  


I just decided to come here because I never felt so horribly alone and depressed.  I cried my *** off yesterday because I thought my girlfriend was detaching from me...I'm still not so sure yet but she said she wants to work on our relationship and that she still loves me...so I had to hide all my damn emotions and act like I wasn't going to put up with her lack of love towards me and her distancing because I don't want to seem desperate (which I know will definitely drive any girl away).  So I told her, I will not be taken for granted like she said she did, and I will not work on this relationship unless she will work on herself (mind you she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom).  So she noticed that I'm not being a child about this and seemingly is ok with me now although the I love yous and warmth is taking time to get back.  I love her so much so first day of withdrawal I cried literally for two hours thinking of the great times I had and how I never want to be with anyone else in my life.  I still feel this sadness so this is the only place I can turn to.  If she knows I was on drugs and she is so against them, I'll definitely lose her so I'm suffering away from literally everyone in total silence and whenever she calls I have to be totally normal which I do pull off quite well.  I even come off happy and totally unshaken.  But aside from all that...it's odd because when I hit day two of withdrawal, before I took the ultram I was more emotionally stable but horrible physically unstable and breathing very hard.  Now it's about 8 hours into the ultram and I feel horribly emotionally unstable but physically stable.  I just want to know...considering my habit, how much more of this **** do I have to go through.  I hope someone can talk to me because I never in my life felt so alone and I will do anything at this point to get my old fit self back and to be in good condition so I can be the man to the woman I love deeply.  I have so much motivation now that I have no possibilities of using opiates, I at least feel good about that, but I still feel like I'm hell right now and I feel like crying and I can't sleep.  I hope this doesn't last for more than 3 more days beyond this because I need to get back to my life.  

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Thank you for the advice.  I do expect physical symptoms like lethargy that's for sure since even my counselor told me it could take a couple months for that to normalize but today being the first day I'm over the cold finally, my energy level is back and I just worked out and took my supplements and already feel good before eating.  I truly believe like i said once again in mind over matter.  If my body is telling me I'm tired or trying to discourage me with something, my mind can overcome it.  Western medicine tells us that's not possible, eastern medicine and even prophets and people on a higher spiritual level and even regular people that truly believe in this concept have overcome illnesses and physical problems with the use of their mind.  I truly believe it's all up to what's in my head and my daily routine needs to stay consistent also to keep my energy levels up.  I'm eating a ridiculous amount of food already and now I'm training and doing things to release serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins...that being masturbation without climax, 5htp, ltyrosine, multi vitamins, lots of food, and climaxing at night to release dopamine.  Worked like a charm and the only reason I got bad symptoms and the first time I did so far during withdrawals is that two day period I took tamiflu.  Tamiflu symptoms are heavy for some people and has caused hallucinations, delirium, and confusion in Japan.  So I know it was that since when I stopped and it wore off I felt back to normal again so long as I kept my routine up and did my mental exercises every day along with physical.  

I'm expecting some lethargy like you said something physical.  But I doubt lethargy is going to mess with my mood.  Even when I was feeling horrible on tamiflu my mood was still positive.  So yea PAWS definitely exists and I'm definitely sure I can't blame some people that have it even if they are mentally strong since it depends on their use and they could've used way longer than me.  Despite my heavy use of powerful narcotics like heroin and opium poppy plants (filled with morphine and thebaine) I was only 10-11 months so that's probably why my symptoms so far are manageable through the right routine.  

But I'm doing great on day 10 so far and I'm going out.  =)

[ginsa]

Post Acute Withdrawl is a physical thing...not mental. Down regulation of opiate receptors during chronic opiate use ( whether for 6 mos or 6 years ) comes with a whole host of symptoms. I think it may be more difficult for someone with a cooccuring mental disorder to recover, but it's not about weakness.

A positive attitude is great, but beware of over confidence. The up and down swing of symptoms you describe is not unusual in withdrawl and recovery. I takes 10-14 days typically for opiates to fully leave the body. During this time you might feel great one day and awful the next. Recovery is not a linear process. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but don't be taken by surprise if you hit a wall. I hope it  doesn't happen to you, but don't get discouraged if it does.

I felt better on day 8 than I thought was possible, but it's been like a rollercoaster ride since then. I only used btw 10-40 mg of hydrocodone a day over a 3 year period. Not a very high dose relatively speaking. But the lingering effects, both physical and mental have been debilitating. What I'm trying to say is that everyone is different. And from what I've learned from other members here, each experience of withdrawl can be different too.

I hope you keep feeling better each day. Keep posting.

P.S. I checked out your youtube. I'm not a fan of techno music but I did like Loss. Good melody. You should write lyrics to it. Keep your mind occupied.

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Technically day 10!  Tomorrow is the first day I'm going out all day to hang out with my girlfriend and we'll see how my energy holds up because I'm going to have to be very energetic around her.  She is a high energy person, I was a high energy person most of our relationship except towards the end and things were changing so clearly I must pull this off without letting her think there is a problem.  It's ok though because I already know what's going to happen, I'm going to go out and have a damn good time and my energy levels won't bother me.  I don't care if they are low, I'll wing it.  I feel fine today.  My throat is a little scratchy again for some strange reason but hopefully that will go away soon so I can get my flu shots immediately before I get sick and then everyone wonders why I'm sick again and my whole cover is blown.  I doubt I will because I'm determined to make it through this and if I tell myself I won't get sick I don't think I will.  I just need some rest and my legs aren't bothering me that bad right now for the first time in a long time.  I think I'll be able to get some good sleep for once.  Let's see how this works out for me.  =)

My positivity is still there and always will be there.  Like I said, in my case PAWS is just bull.  If I'm already positive on day 4 of withdrawal and super positive on day 5-6 and on I'm pretty sure I'm going to be alright.  I was never prone to depression though so this PAWS probably does apply to other people that are weak minded.  Anyway I'm good now and forever.  

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Still day 9, I feel much better now that the tamiflu wore off.  I don't think i need it.  If I'm a little sick I'll let it run it's course.  I was so messed up from it but now I feel back to my normal self but I'm just sneezing every couple hours and my nose is a little stuffed.  That's pretty much the only symptoms I have now so it's clearly improving.  No problems, just lots of eating, lots of fluids still to recover my immune system and light exercise in the morning now that I'm sick.  I totally just cut myself by accident and it hurt like a ***** but then suddenly EUPHORIA.  Clearly my body is starting to release endorphins properly.  My friend was over when that happened, I had blood dripping down my finger and I started laughing like a maniac haha.  Yea sounds crazy but this is a great sign that my body is starting to produce the chemicals I need in good amounts.  Today is a good day and tomorrow I go back to my life finally.  Life is good.  I see the world differently now it's very inspiring for me...it's like my brain has been turned on after being shut off and put on automatic mode for so long.  

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Yea brother, it is a horrible feeling but the thing is I know well to avoid over the counter flu medication and alcohol.  I remember how bad that made my restless legs last time I withdrew.  This being my second and final time.  I got tamiflu which is the drug that they are prescribing to people for swine flu.  You know...the one that is running out because there is not enough in supply.  It's an anti-viral and apparantley that makes restless legs horrible too.  There is no alcohol and definitely not your typical over the counter cold medicine since it's an anti-viral.  Anyway, it's wearing off and I seem to be feeling better.  That **** is NOT good during or even after withdrawal when your sleep is still bad, it causes some serious symptoms that makes you feel like you are withdrawing again just not like the worst of it but still pretty damn annoying.  Maybe it's just me but even healthy people, there are cases of confusion, delirium, headaches, drastic mood changes, insomnia, nightmares if one does get to sleep, etc. etc.  Lots of bad side effects.  

Well I'm fine now.  And I'm still recovering from a little flu.  My nose is still a little runny so I'm staying home a little longer to get some rest otherwise it WILL get much worse esp. when my immune system is compromised from withdrawal.  I'm just happy I got through the worst and I'm feeling positive every day.  =)

Except yesterday night till morning, I was pissed....didn't crave opiates just was in pain.  

[Axl_0113]

Hmmmm....You mentioned restless leg.  I have lived with it for years.  Never, ever had it when I was using pain pills, and then of course, when I quit using, it came back with a vengence.  You may be like me though....in that, the OTC cold meds and flu meds make my RLS 1000 times WORSE!  I am guessing it's the alcohol becuase I tried one night to have a beer, and the RLS was sooo bad that night.  

Might be something to think about...