I have relapsed with opiates....feel horrible

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I did something totally different this time.  I was using the pods I was on less (opium plant pods) and switched to heroin about a month ago, while using pods here and there.  I worked my way up to 2-3 bags per day (20 dollars a bag) using them at one dose at night, or two doses within an hour because I felt nothing usually after about an hour.  I was snorting these.  The first time I tried cold turkey, I relapsed because I had the opium pods around.  I didn't get rid of them and after a week I figured I can use them here and there and not get addicted, horrible mistake.  This time, I got rid of the number I use to get the heroin, totally cut off all possibilities to get opium pods so there are none left at home and even took it a step further and got rid of the ultram which I had 20 pills of.  So I took my last dose of heroin (3 bags) on wednesday night, thursday I was fully clean, friday I was clean for half the day and then I started getting out of breath and got horrible anxiety (mind you I'm doing this alone) so I took one 50 mg ultram.  I still feel relatively ok physically.  I took that ultram at about 6 pm and it's now 1:56 am, still no physical symptoms except inability to sleep, a little runny nose, muscle aches that are tolerable, and here is the one I really have trouble with...horrible depression.  I never felt so horribly alone in my life...of course because no one knows that I used and no one knows that I'm withdrawing now as I took a week off to go through withdrawals.  I got rid of all the ultram (flushed it all down the toilet).  So now there is absolutely no turning back.  If I leave the house to even search a new spot for drugs (which knowing me is unlikely because of the high risk of getting caught), I will be questioned and either way, the car is in the shop so I can't even drive so I really have no possibility now.  


I just decided to come here because I never felt so horribly alone and depressed.  I cried my *** off yesterday because I thought my girlfriend was detaching from me...I'm still not so sure yet but she said she wants to work on our relationship and that she still loves me...so I had to hide all my damn emotions and act like I wasn't going to put up with her lack of love towards me and her distancing because I don't want to seem desperate (which I know will definitely drive any girl away).  So I told her, I will not be taken for granted like she said she did, and I will not work on this relationship unless she will work on herself (mind you she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom).  So she noticed that I'm not being a child about this and seemingly is ok with me now although the I love yous and warmth is taking time to get back.  I love her so much so first day of withdrawal I cried literally for two hours thinking of the great times I had and how I never want to be with anyone else in my life.  I still feel this sadness so this is the only place I can turn to.  If she knows I was on drugs and she is so against them, I'll definitely lose her so I'm suffering away from literally everyone in total silence and whenever she calls I have to be totally normal which I do pull off quite well.  I even come off happy and totally unshaken.  But aside from all that...it's odd because when I hit day two of withdrawal, before I took the ultram I was more emotionally stable but horrible physically unstable and breathing very hard.  Now it's about 8 hours into the ultram and I feel horribly emotionally unstable but physically stable.  I just want to know...considering my habit, how much more of this **** do I have to go through.  I hope someone can talk to me because I never in my life felt so alone and I will do anything at this point to get my old fit self back and to be in good condition so I can be the man to the woman I love deeply.  I have so much motivation now that I have no possibilities of using opiates, I at least feel good about that, but I still feel like I'm hell right now and I feel like crying and I can't sleep.  I hope this doesn't last for more than 3 more days beyond this because I need to get back to my life.  

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Still day 12, still feeling good and my energy levels are getting better all the time esp. after a workout early in the day.  That is one of the biggest helps.  But anyway, like I said I have had cravings today, bad ones so now I know I need to take it further and hit up the NA meetings alongside my counselor.  It's all about pushing myself to bringing things from shaky to strong.  This is a shaky moment so I need to go to NA meetings to make these cravings not get to me.  I doubt they will since it's normal to have cravings for something that made you happy and when you make a promise to God you are certain but either way as a precaution and part of my after care, I know this is important.  

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Unfortunately, the cravings have come yesterday, I forgot to mention this.  But fortunately, I still talk to the counselor every day and I keep in mind the pain, the horrible pain of day 2-3 and God and my woman.  Who am I letting down?  I'm letting down the world in my mind if I do this again.  Everyone else that also means something to me, I'm letting down too much in my life.  So I keep that in mind forever.  So I can never look back at a pill, a bag of heroin, an opium poppy head pod....NOTHING.  Just rebuilding my body, my mind, my spirit most of all because without the spirit there is no recovery.  With the availability there is no solution.  I keep these things in mind and I make sure I'm far from that dream that sucked me in so far away from reality that I almost remained there forever.  It's a dream state that looks so beautiful from within but looked at from outside is a wicked step into hell through a temptation romanticized by demons themselves.  The longer you walk in this dream world...slowly it unravels it's ugly dominion and loses it's beauty and once it's lost that you struggle every day to rekindle that fire, you remember the outside world and you remember that even though it's not as beautiful as your dream world once was, at least it can contain those you love forever and you know it means something.  

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Just got up, still getting around 5 hours of sleep.  Today definitely a little less than 5 hours.  Bah, I can't wait to get a full night without waking up and struggling to go back to sleep.  But overall things are still going my way and my positivity is still high up there.  Just a bit tired overall due to the lack of sleeping accumulating.  

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This is officially day 12!  Still feeling good.  I'm not going to get into too much detail at this moment because that's enough said.  I made it through withdrawals and I'm never looking back again.  =)

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A little more detail on how I feel.  Feels like my testosterone is back in full blast, my workouts are making my muscles fuller, harder, and my body fat levels are dropping fast because of the many times a day I eat nutrient dense food.  My mood is great, lethargy is there but it's not as bad as I thought.  I can easily work through it without a problem.  I was lethargic before use, just naturally a low energy person but I never had a problem dealing with it so I'm good.  I'm recovering from this cold fast, my symptoms are barely there, just sneezed like 3 times today.  My aggression is coming back, my over confidence is coming back, my mind is coming back!  Everything is falling into place.  The sleep is still difficult, I almost dread going to sleep, it's difficult to fall asleep and that annoys me but I do sleep longer than before.  I think I got about 6 hours this time again.  Not bad considering the restless legs, which by the way are getting better and better every time...I think melatonin might've been irritating it believe it or not so I'm stopping that.  But I do wake up a few times.  This'll take some more time to improve but it's getting there.  Besides that, so long as I keep up with my exercises, supplements, and nutrition I'm 110% positive I'll bounce back to superhuman status.  ;)  

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Here it is, day 11.  Still in a positive mood, nothing has changed.  My cold is going away fast and I just woke up.  So I'm going to take my tyrosine and other stuff then get ready to do my usual working out on an empty stomach for 30 min.   Feels good to be alive lately.  I don't think I could've asked for a better recovery from opiate use.  I am totally myself again and yesterday I had friends over all night and we just had a great time talking and watching videos for hours on end.