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Adderall Addiction/Benzo Addiction
I am so scared. I am literally in love with the drug that is killing me. I keep trying to convince myself I can take it like prescribed and it will give me everything I want and need-confidence, focus, happiness, success. It will fill the void that past drug and alcohol use has created. I now live in a world of seclusion. I used to be a journalist. Now, I cannot even muster the confidence to work online. I isolate. I don't want friends anymore, because they just end up leaving me because of this. I am stuck in my house all day because I was too lazy to get it together enough to get my license that I lost from DUI back. I was eligible in 2006. Not only that, it costs a lot of money and I live off my mom's wealth. But she will not loan me the money for this. It does not make sense that she will buy me everything else, but not that. I don't have the ambition to jump through all those hoops anyway.I have been suicidal many times.
Adderall seemed great at first. I felt better than ever. It does not get as out of control as cocaine or alcohol. It is legal. But it does not work out so well. It gets out of hand in it's own way. I always end up taking more than I should for the stupidest reasons. When I first get my script, I take more because I tend to crash. Then as the days go by, I am taking it just because I don't want to go to sleep. I went through 30pills of 20 mg IR in three days!! How the hell I did this or why I don't even know anymore. If I don't sleep from day one, it is bound to happen. I will feel worse because of no sleep and try to take more and this NEVER fixes it. I just need to force myself to go to bed. Then I blow through them so fast because I am taking them 24/7. My tolerance builds FAST. Sooner or later I need 4 at once just to feel better.
When I run out, (I have 28 left.) I am gonna be in trouble AGAIN. I will get very depressed. Severely. I also take too much Klonopin when I am on it, because it makes me anxious sometimes. I lose memory and don't remember how many Adderall or Klonopin I took. I am very much dependent on the Klonopin as well. I have been on it for years. But I don't abuse it unless I am on Adderall.
I am already starting to think something I never thought I would-obtaining it illegally. I don't know anyone that sells it, but I am so scared to go weeks again without it. I ended up in the psych ward the last couple times from suicidal depression. I have been taking Adderall for over a year now. My tolerance has gone up. But there are times I take just one or two, and feel manic and higher than hell. I don't know what's with that. Other times I have taken it, and gotten very sick. Severe stomach pains, a rash around my lower lip, canker sores on my tongue (I get those everytime) and severe muscle cramping. I was thinking I was allergic to it-at least at higher than normal doses.
When it runs out, I sleep and cannot get up. I eat. I start withdrawing off the Klonopin at the same time even though I am still taking it, because I was taking so much while on the Adderall. I don't know if I am going to make it through addiction. My father died of alcoholism when I was 25. He was functional, but died when a liver transplant failed. He was hardcore. He kept drinking knowing it was killing him. I am the same way. I feel like I can't' stop taking it.
I don't know what life is like without being either drugged or in agonizing withdrawal. I don't do anything anymore. My career has stalled out and I don't even want to work anymore.
I feel pretty hopeless. And sooo scared of those withdrawals. I would rather die.
Adderall seemed great at first. I felt better than ever. It does not get as out of control as cocaine or alcohol. It is legal. But it does not work out so well. It gets out of hand in it's own way. I always end up taking more than I should for the stupidest reasons. When I first get my script, I take more because I tend to crash. Then as the days go by, I am taking it just because I don't want to go to sleep. I went through 30pills of 20 mg IR in three days!! How the hell I did this or why I don't even know anymore. If I don't sleep from day one, it is bound to happen. I will feel worse because of no sleep and try to take more and this NEVER fixes it. I just need to force myself to go to bed. Then I blow through them so fast because I am taking them 24/7. My tolerance builds FAST. Sooner or later I need 4 at once just to feel better.
When I run out, (I have 28 left.) I am gonna be in trouble AGAIN. I will get very depressed. Severely. I also take too much Klonopin when I am on it, because it makes me anxious sometimes. I lose memory and don't remember how many Adderall or Klonopin I took. I am very much dependent on the Klonopin as well. I have been on it for years. But I don't abuse it unless I am on Adderall.
I am already starting to think something I never thought I would-obtaining it illegally. I don't know anyone that sells it, but I am so scared to go weeks again without it. I ended up in the psych ward the last couple times from suicidal depression. I have been taking Adderall for over a year now. My tolerance has gone up. But there are times I take just one or two, and feel manic and higher than hell. I don't know what's with that. Other times I have taken it, and gotten very sick. Severe stomach pains, a rash around my lower lip, canker sores on my tongue (I get those everytime) and severe muscle cramping. I was thinking I was allergic to it-at least at higher than normal doses.
When it runs out, I sleep and cannot get up. I eat. I start withdrawing off the Klonopin at the same time even though I am still taking it, because I was taking so much while on the Adderall. I don't know if I am going to make it through addiction. My father died of alcoholism when I was 25. He was functional, but died when a liver transplant failed. He was hardcore. He kept drinking knowing it was killing him. I am the same way. I feel like I can't' stop taking it.
I don't know what life is like without being either drugged or in agonizing withdrawal. I don't do anything anymore. My career has stalled out and I don't even want to work anymore.
I feel pretty hopeless. And sooo scared of those withdrawals. I would rather die.
I read all you said and feel for you. I am having a lot of problems as well. I am in Florida and am on waiting lists to see phych doctors. I also went into phych ward. What a nightmare, but I did get help from a great Dr. You can reach me at ***@**** to talk. I have been sick since birth and canagive ya some good advice. Take care. Bless ya. Heather
Hi Arielle! Welcome! Since this is an older thread, a lot of people might overlook it. If you go back out to the main page and hit the post a question link, you can start your own thread and tell your story there. That way you can be sure to get the support and encouragement that you need right now. Good luck to you!
My name is arielle. whoever you are, well its 2013 now and what you just explained in your paragraphs is exactly me, but worse. just imagine. i am so stuck and i just broke out in hives all over my body this morning from an allergic reaction to it. i can no longer take it and i have the tolerance of over 100mg.
I'm also new here (actually I'm not addicted to anything but cigarrettes, although I am dependant on Lortabs, but that's for pain and after almost 6 years, I guess you'd be dependant on anything) and I haven't read any other posts by you. Just wanted to say that although I don't know anything about Adderall, I do know that withdrawl from Benzos can cause seizures. Not sure if that's true for the Kolonopin, but just wanted to say please be safe. Definatley speak to your Dr about it, and all your concerns for treatment, and I'm sure the two of you can come up with a good treatment plan. I think once you have a treatment plan in place, maybe you'll feel better. And I'd do it before you run out of your Rx... No point in putting yourself through all that pain. Take care and good luck! You are worth getting treatment!
I wish I could delete that post on the BF and the negative one about rehabs, but we all have moments of either wanting to just escape and feelings of hopelessness.
Yes, you pretty much nailed it. Although, many times I don't take the Klonopin to sleep. I have stayed up as long as five days in a row. I usually take it to calm any anxiety or panic I have while on the Adderall. Then I take it when the Adderall is gone to just zone out or numb out. It's a real mess, I will admit. I am just very very scared. I know I can lead a clean life, but it's not going to be a cakewalk. There is a lot of past reckage. My mom has done all she can do. I am fully capable of working. I have a Bachelor's degree for crying out loud. It's getting the motivation and the ability to GET TO WORK that is the problem.
I am looking into freelancing writing online. It can pay VERY well. It actually pays more than working on staff at a publication. But I have to be free of Adderall at the very least. When I take it at a normal dose, I am not going to lie, it makes me a better writer. I can write for hours. It helps you focus and get things done. But it always goes past that and gets out of hand. I keep telling myself, just take it normally, get your body tolerant, and you won;t feel high anymore off it. (And you don't I tried this a few times.) But unfortunately by the time I figure this out and get my body to that point, I am out of the med!
It's very seductive to take something that actually helps you do something better. I'm sure you know all about the whole college "study buddy" craze. People go from C's to A's because suddenly all the boring subjects are interesting. But if you take too much of it, or don't sleep, forget about increased productivity. By day two or three you can't focus on anything and start getting sick.
I really think this drug will get more and more attention as the problems with it and abuse of it increase. I have already noticed about 40 more "Adderall addiction" videos on Youtube and more articles on it lately.
Prescription drugs are the newest addiction and the most widely spread. They also have the benefit of being somewhat "accepted" because they are not street drugs.
But the pharmaceutical companies make so much money off them, I highly doubt any of them will be made illegal. Not only that not everyone has the wiring of addiction to abuse them. That's why they are Schedule II.
Anyway, like I said, I am going to consult my psychiatrist about this. I don't know if I can wean off either of them. That usually does not work with addicts. At least I know it won't work with Adderall. The cravings are too strong sometimes. But with Klonopin, I think it can be achieved. I get no high from it. I just feel normal. I have also read a lot about rapid detox from benzos and they say it does not work because the withdrawals last so long. Rapid withdrawal can sometimes make the withdrawals stronger and last longer too. I'm going to also join an IOP and at least try to work from home freelancing.
I will keep posting. Wish me luck. I am going to need it!
I am looking into freelancing writing online. It can pay VERY well. It actually pays more than working on staff at a publication. But I have to be free of Adderall at the very least. When I take it at a normal dose, I am not going to lie, it makes me a better writer. I can write for hours. It helps you focus and get things done. But it always goes past that and gets out of hand. I keep telling myself, just take it normally, get your body tolerant, and you won;t feel high anymore off it. (And you don't I tried this a few times.) But unfortunately by the time I figure this out and get my body to that point, I am out of the med!
It's very seductive to take something that actually helps you do something better. I'm sure you know all about the whole college "study buddy" craze. People go from C's to A's because suddenly all the boring subjects are interesting. But if you take too much of it, or don't sleep, forget about increased productivity. By day two or three you can't focus on anything and start getting sick.
I really think this drug will get more and more attention as the problems with it and abuse of it increase. I have already noticed about 40 more "Adderall addiction" videos on Youtube and more articles on it lately.
Prescription drugs are the newest addiction and the most widely spread. They also have the benefit of being somewhat "accepted" because they are not street drugs.
But the pharmaceutical companies make so much money off them, I highly doubt any of them will be made illegal. Not only that not everyone has the wiring of addiction to abuse them. That's why they are Schedule II.
Anyway, like I said, I am going to consult my psychiatrist about this. I don't know if I can wean off either of them. That usually does not work with addicts. At least I know it won't work with Adderall. The cravings are too strong sometimes. But with Klonopin, I think it can be achieved. I get no high from it. I just feel normal. I have also read a lot about rapid detox from benzos and they say it does not work because the withdrawals last so long. Rapid withdrawal can sometimes make the withdrawals stronger and last longer too. I'm going to also join an IOP and at least try to work from home freelancing.
I will keep posting. Wish me luck. I am going to need it!
Why are you being like that to A member that wants to help you in the person that your are refering to is not new here. So If I was you I would not be so quick to jump in judge. There is people here to listen and maybe mayber! help. It is your choice to take it are leave it. But we are all here to support each other. Thank You
That was very very ignorant of you. I was kidding about the boyfriend thing anyway. What do you know about me? Nothing. How can you judge?. You read a few posts I wrote on a message board and you already figured me out eh? Then you insult me on top of it. If you are working any kind of recovery program you would not be talking to another addict this way. I have met people like you in AA/NA and they are usually people not working programs and that "houlier than thou" attitude you displayed. I already hate myself. You think I need more abuse? That's one of the reasons I stopped 12 step groups. I was getting insulted and controlled by other members. Addiction is not who I am. I am a very talented, deep, and intelligent person. I am also very caring and loving. I am a good person. Good people get this disease. It's not about not wanting to get better, it's about the FEAR of withdrawals and the fear that I will just end up relapsing.
Even though I have isolated myself, it does not help that I can't drive. I learned my lesson, but if I can't drive to work, how am I going to pay them the money they want? How will I gain the self esteem I need? How will I be able to live my dreams and pursue my passions with so many walls up in front of me. It just keeps me in the cycle. I end up using to cope with the hopelessness.
Anyway, just think a little before you speak.
Even though I have isolated myself, it does not help that I can't drive. I learned my lesson, but if I can't drive to work, how am I going to pay them the money they want? How will I gain the self esteem I need? How will I be able to live my dreams and pursue my passions with so many walls up in front of me. It just keeps me in the cycle. I end up using to cope with the hopelessness.
Anyway, just think a little before you speak.
ur problem is compaounding itself..the adderall is making u hyped..u think u need it//and mentally u probably do altho amphetamines/like cocaine are not physically addicting as a rule..but extremely mentally addicting/which most will admit is the toughest part of addiction anyway...then u r strung out and taking klonopin to calm urself down at night so u can sleep as u have hyped urself up all day...vicious cycle...when u r using ur amphetamine//adderal/it is no wonder u take more klonopin to feel relaxed//probably so u can sleep at night..and klonopin is dangerously physically addictive...very much so...this combo is gonna take lots of work...if ur mom wont loan u mony to get ur drivers license back, will she loan u money to keep u from slowly dying, or quickly dying..however u wanna look at it...she loves u or she would not loan u money for anything in the first place...is she aware of exactly where u r at with all of this??? Inpatient may be the thing for u as IBK mentioned...u can not go on like this...sumpin has got to give....keep posting
I think I can get off the Adderall as long as I keep busy. But the KPins are gonna be harder because they are physical. Last time I tried I started hallucinating. I am considered intensive outpatient,
I have this idea to just marry some rich dude-believe or not I get lots of offers, but never take them. That way I can keep doing what I'm doing and be able to get out the house at least and travel. If I had something to live for, maybe I would stop trying to fill a void.
It doesn't work. Especially for benzo addiction. The withdrawals last too long. I find myself hating having to listen to all the drug stories. I been to the best ones and the worst ones. If that were the answer, I would have been there already.
Hello and welcome,
Have you considered in-patient **************? I do think at this juncture for you, it would be the best decision you could make. I know you said that you do not have money. Many facilities take indigent patients, meaning those without insurance. You can go on the internet the google a center in your area.
Please get the help. And keep posting and talking. So many people here can identify and guide you. Best of luck.
Have you considered in-patient **************? I do think at this juncture for you, it would be the best decision you could make. I know you said that you do not have money. Many facilities take indigent patients, meaning those without insurance. You can go on the internet the google a center in your area.
Please get the help. And keep posting and talking. So many people here can identify and guide you. Best of luck.
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