2 Weeks Clean... Again

[hiskidd]

Hi All! I feel like I have been outta touch a bit. Today is Day 14 for me, which is amazing compared to Day 4 - not sure if I'd make it.

I just wanted to say thank you to the people who strive to help others on this forum. In emailing a professor about her younger brother who is battling pain pills addiction, I told her I could not have made it without God, my wife, and Medhelp.org's forums.

This is my second time getting this far since Christmas time - I got to 40 days and then thought I was strong enough to take one here, or another there, etc. Strangely, I almost feel like this relapse will help me to not relapse a third time. I pray it does.

If you're in early WD's, be encouraged, eat well, exercise if you can, and fight, fight, fight. Oh, and as skeptical as I was, acupuncture has really helped a lot. Blessings to all, David

[vicki595]

You can forget without the pills. You've got a brain!!  Just think. Imagine. Pretend. It's a lot easier...
What exactly would you say to me if I told you I was going to borrow some pills from my neighbor because I feel like it and I can and I know he'd give them to me??  Though I'm not in physical pain only psychic pain. What would you say to me?

Resting my case and tiptoeing out now...

[Dav125]

Know the feeling all too well..Its the perfect excuse...Thats where aftercare comes in. To help deal with that thought pattern..Sounds like if anything, you got some of that pent up frustration and anger out the other night except it had a few consequences..I imagine you "don't" recommend that anyone attempt to get a release in such a fashion ( couldn't help myself..:),,,just glad to hear your ok,).Ahh,,look at it this way..Lesson learned, Pain pills will screw a person's life up..I'm still angry underneath about how I allowed myself to let them get their hooks in me..Take a moment of pause and then get back on track..Time will heal this..

[hiskidd]

My every flesh instinct is to go to urgent care to get oxy. I know I won't do it though. I just want to be numb and "forget."

[ImDONENoMore]

I agree with vicki - the abuse of these drugs is only a symptom of what's really going on with you.  Counseling is a great place to start to address all of that David and I'm really PROUD of you for doing that.  Go slow and keep your expectations in check for a while.  Don't put the unnecessary burdens upon yourself for a while.  You'll get there - just take your time with it.  Once you figure out why you're abusing, you have a fighting chance.  I'll continue to root for you as I always have.  You have the desire - now you just need the coping skills to succeed.  And you can do it - I KNOW you can.  :)

[vicki595]

Listen to me...this is a problem that's far bigger than you are or any of us. You simply can't do it alone!

The day you admit that you're helpless and powerless (like today) is the day you will begin to recover.  Just give it up and get some help.  Counceling is a good start and you don't have to go back to your birth. Start by discussing your destructive behaviors and go from there.

We all need support no matter where we are in recovery. You can do this so just do it!

Good luck,stay in touch,and stay out of bars!

[hiskidd]

I'm pretty sick of myself. I went back to work yesterday, and have still been feeling depressed, hopeless, tired, etc. I can attribute some of that to WDs (maybe), some to lack of exercise and nutrition, and some to my back problems that started the oxy road.

Anyway, I foolishly thought being self-destructive was the way to go yesterday after school, and went and drank. I went to do different places, and the second one was a dive bar with a rough crowd. I drank too much, got into it with some people late, and ended up being beaten up by 2-3 of them. I wanted to just go home after, the but bartender called a paramedic and they forced me to go to the ER.

My wife had to come get me with our young kids and I missed work today. My face is swollen and cut, and I'm in one of the worst mental states ever. I'm SOOOOOO effing tired of failing myself, my family, and my God. I told April I wanted to take a whole bottle of sleeping pills today. I hate myself, hate, hate, hate myself.

I was a teenage alcoholic from 15-20, and then stopped cold for 10 years with no help - just didn't want it anymore. Not long after my mom died of cancer at age 48, I relapsed in drinking off and from from age 30 till now.

What is going on with this tradeoff??? Am I just addicted to sin and destruction? Is that it? It's like my mind just won't get right, and my life is the sum of one bad choice after another. I'm so sick of living to fail.

I'm not posting because I think I'll find "stroking" in return. I don't care if you cuss me out. I looked into counseling today, since the university I'm at offers it for free to current students. I just don't know where I'd begin my stupid life story.