I've been so depressed that I started cutting myself because of all this. I know it's not healthy. I only did it twice, but now I have scars for life. It's hot and I can't wear sleeveless shirts. I had to tell my daughter that a friend's cat scratched me really bad. I never meant for her to see the cuts but she came in as I walked out of the shower. I'm letting all of this effect my life way too much. I'm not doing my homework and I'm barely spending any time with my kids. I just sit here and cry when he's not here because I know he's getting high and not thinking about me at all. I am bipolar and have been depressed for 11 years. The 6 sober months with him were some of the very best moments of my life. I've never smiled and laughed so much. I've never been so comfortable with another person. he was my very best friend. I don't have anyone to talk to because no one wants to listen. They all tell me, "leave him," "you deserve better," "your kids deserve better," "focus on school and your kids and forget about him." No one understands at all. If I leave him alone I will won't have those few sober moments that we get now. We took the kids to the Memorial Day parade and had a great time. things like that I don't want to give up. I feel a very close bond to him. it's not as intense as it was on probation, but it is still there and not going away. He is the only person I have ever loved whole-heartly, my one and only true love. I know me and I know for a fact that if i was to give up and move on to someone else, I would never be able to offer them all of me or love them with all my heart and there's just no point in being with someone else when you know your heart wants another. I'm just scared. I don't want to lose him. I'm afraid he's going to smoke something that's laced with bad stuff and end up in the hospital or dead. He has a bad heart, what if he smokes so much that his heart rate is so increased that he goes into cardiac arrest? I keep hearing that maybe it needs to happen. People tell me he needs to hit rock bottom before he'll change. What if he gets by living off of people for years and never hits rock bottom? I need someone to talk to. I need advice. I need people who understand and don't want me to just abandon him. What do I do?