Needing help/advice!!!

[Lacismommy1014]

I quit taking methadone daily 3 weeks ago. Then 4 or 5 days later I took a small dose, 10 mg methadone.. THEN for the last 2 days I've messed up!! Yet again!! I took 2 oxycodone 15's yesterday & 2 more today!! Why do I always do this?! I cut all my connections but somehow it still pops up out of nowhere! It's like they come looking for me or something! I don't want to do this anymore! I swear I really really really want this to stop!! How do I turn them away so fresh out of it?? I've been trying for so long to beat this! I'm so tired of it!!

I need advice on how to stay mentally prepared for it??
How do I get motivation??
I always go back every time bc I'm so exhausted & think oh this will make me feel better!
I've been feeling pretty good too! Not a whole lot of energy but WAY better than 2 weeks ago! Now I feel like I'm back at square one!! Please tell me I'm not gonna be physically sick again bc I took those!
I never give myself enough time to get my mind better! Either way, sick or not, I will not keep taking them! This has got to be the last time getting off of all this crap!! I know I've been here a few times but I really want it!! I really really do!!

If I could get my mood & energy levels up I know I wouldn't have cracked! I just felt like crap for forever it seemed & needed to get some stuff done (that was my mind talking myself into it)
I know all of this but yet I always seem to go back after I physically start feeling better!!

I just don't want to go back again this time!! Someone please help!
I need to know what OTC stuff that would help me get some energy during the day! The will to want to do something instead of feeling sorry for myself!
I was already past the physically stuff! I've been sleeping pretty good! Appetite was back full force! My body was so much better! No sweating or anything! Is this gonna set me back into the physical withdrawals??

I really just needed to write on here! I always do better when I'm on here!!

[jifmoc]

Clean in ks wrote this:"At some point, you are going to realize that worrying about how much a relapse is gonna "set you back" and how you feel physically isn't where your FOCUS needs to be.  It needs to be on how you're gonna STAY clean."   This is exactly what I was thinking.

It's called contrary action. I do it every day. Something you don't wanna do? You do it anyway. What you've been doing doesn't work.

[clean_in_ks]

At some point, you are going to realize that worrying about how much a relapse is gonna "set you back" and how you feel physically isn't where your FOCUS needs to be.  It needs to be on how you're gonna STAY clean.  

You said "how do I turn them away when I'm so fresh out of it?"
When you are ready to close ALL the doors....you'll be able to firmly tell ALL your connects and those that offer you ANY kind of pills that you are DONE and convincingly so.  The same way you would tell your daughter "no" when you mean business and something is going to harm her.
As long as you leave even a little crack in any door open....your addictive mind KNOWS this and will talk to you.  When we are truly done, we don't have a need for a safety net.  We just become willing because we are so tired of the merry-go-round.
Your family is great to support you but they cannot support you like other addicts that have walked a mile in your shoes.  You say you are scared to seek aftercare.....but until you find the courage to just "do it afraid"....you will continue this cycle.  We ALL need support from others that understand us.  Yes, having family support is invaluable....but they don't understand the battle that goes on in your mind.  They aren't holding you accountable and you NEED some accountability from someone.  Someone that is also an addict....another female friend.  Many, many avoid aftercare....and then when they continue to relapse over and over and become WILLING to try some aftercare....they wondered why they were so stubborn and resistant.

You've been at this since 2008 girl....and when you've had enough you'll find the courage to do whatever it takes.  I hope that time comes soon~

[gnarly_1]

Hi  wall this is not a ''I'' thing it is a ''we'' thing the only way to do this wrong is trying to do it alone...I have tryed most forms of aftercare but the only one that works for me is N/A it is free and if your honest with your self it works im over 1800 days clean and still got to 4 meetings a week it will give you a place to share what your going threw with people that understand the 12 step program will help you stay clean ''you never have to use again'' so it is time to google a N/A meeting in your aera  keep posting for support..........Gnarly

[Lacismommy1014]

Thanks everyone!! I haven't taken anything since a couple of days ago. It did set me back a little. I woke up kinda sweaty in the middle of the night last night. Not too bad but enough to make me remember how bad it was a few weeks ago! Heck no! I don't want to do that all over again for the 73838 time!!! I feel okay. Having mood swings here & there & just wish everyone would leave me alone! I don't know how to make that part better! When I was physically sick for 2 weeks my head felt good but now I'm physically better & you would think I would love it & be happy! I know it will pass! It has to. If I keep going back I'm just gonna have to redo all of this again. I know I need to get into aftercare but it's like I'm scare to. Everyone in my family knows about my problem but I'm too embarrassed for others to know. I don't know!

[JayFive]

AFTERCARE! yes, you must join a support group to help you. I have joined one myself and it helps a lot. i get drug tested weekly and get therapy as well. It has helped tremendously

[JayFive]

I can't tell you if you are going to be sick if you stop now but I can tell you that you will be very sick of you don't stop. Because at which point you will stop and feel very sick. I was on methadone for 2 years 270mg being my highest. It was pure hell coming off of the stuff and like yourself it only took a few months for me to relapse yet again. I think of all people on this earth drug addicts will invent a time machine before anyone else. Well probably not, but I'm sure they wish they could. lol. That said, you can't change what you've done. You can only look forward. I would consider the Thomas Recipe w/o any benzo's as this will have two complications. One being that you will be introducing a very powerful addictive substance into your body that essentially does WAY more harm than good. And the second being, you will be affiliating with people that you need not to. As far as the excuse of people contacting you to get you those pills. In the words of Nancy Reagan, "Just Say NO!" I know that may sound lame and hard but what are you're options? You're an adult and you need to start thinking of yourself and your health. Congrats on the time clean.

OTC stuff:
Potassiam, Water, Coconut Water, L-tyrosine, B-Complex, L-Theanine, Kava, Valerian root, Multi-vitamin and natural tea with natural caffeine. When I was coming off of opiates the last thing I wanted was caffeine, but if it helps you with energy then go for it. Good for you to reach out. You've let us know the problem, now you must heed the advice and stay away from the drugs and people that you know. It's up to you. NOBODY  can do it for you. My heart goes out to you. As a person that has been exactly where you have feel free to message me and I will try and help. In no way will I ever give you medical advice as I am not a doctor and I respect this site that discourages such things.

[jifmoc]

Hey Laci. I recognize your name. In your post I sensed a theme, which is lack of patience (like most of us!) You didn't feel better when YOU wanted to so you caved. The thing you need in my opinion, besides aftercare (MANDATORY, not optional) is to exhale, and to adjust your 'tude. You gotta be okay with not being okay for a while (to quote our pal Gnarly on here.) I've been told methadone goes in cycles in terms of feeling wds. And it's a beeotch to get off of. That is where the patience and aftercare come in. You gotta have support AROUND you all the time. Not just medhelp.

If folks are "finding you" w/ oxy or whatever, you need to change your ph #. But did you really delete you contacts and tell whoever offers, the answer is NO? People can't offer us anything if we aren't with them. So you are hangin w/ the wrong folks, my dear. Look inside yourself...

Are you willing to do what it takes?

[dominosarah]

Change your phone number so your sources cant get ahold of you.  The one thing i didnt notice you mention was aftercare?  Are you still trying to do this by yourself?