A new day

[Myownstrength]

It's my first full day with vicodin.  I'm scared about the side effects of withdrawal but since this will be my third attempt to finally rid myself of the drug.  I no longer need it even though during the withdrawal my body will mimic the pain... Very tricky...  My biggest fear is length of time sine I have to be "on" at work.  I meet with clients all day (usually 10 hour days). But if not now when my resolve is strong then when?

My second fear is who will I be after I'm off.  I've taken it for so long will I be as productive?  Will life be more enjoyable?  I must think so deep in my heart since the voice to quit comes from that same place.

I will post how it goes since so many others have encouraged me with there stories (a few scared the crap out of me as well).

Here's to breaking the chain!

A new day

[tylerdirty]

I am a current user of 10to15pills a day and i want so bad what you two have done. I just read your last two weeks and i want it so bad. Thank you for your stories.

[Dav125]

And another week it is MOS :)..Mine will be tonight..That makes three with you directly on my heels...At first it was a thought,,now its becoming a reality..I love it! :)

[Myownstrength]

And another!- Monday is fast approaching and another week free of drugs!  I am so getting a month!

[Myownstrength]

I did!  Makes it easier during weak moments.  Another day done!  Yeah!!

[hiskidd]

Wow!!! Awesome thread. Way to go!!! Have you gotten rid of any leftovers? It helps in week 3 :) Blessings! David

[Myownstrength]

Hello!  Two weeks!  I just got done handling three major events and my feet hurt along with my head but I feel good inside.  I never thought I would get to this point.

Thank you to catfu for the suggestions and sharing your story.  I was literally just thinking about that on the way home because the thought of maybe just one pill to cut the pain but I quickly pushed that out of my head because of that exact thing - one pill and I'll be back on it.  

I haven't shared this as of yet but I was addicted to crystal meth 9 years ago - and one day I decided enough and changed my life.  Haven't touched it since and even with having that in my back pocket I stilled got hooked again but this time to vicoden.  The difference is that vicoden could be explained...bad back, it's prescribed, Yada Yada Yada...  Just excuses.  

I will look for a program, and I have a partner and friends that have full knowledge and very sharp eyes so I a net and I have never been proud nor ashamed of my drug addiction.  I like escaping and when I want to I want to right then.  I'm learning that doing that is fine as long as I find a healthier way to escape.  Started to work out again (got addicted to exercise before the crystals - spent 6 days teaching step aerobics class 4 times a day - obsessed with it but really I loved the retreat into my head and the europhia that came afters.  

Addiction is part of me and how a handle each one lets me learn another
Part of what I need to figure out.  It will be something that is with me all the time.  Just once more! That's my danger question - in hear that in my head and it time to get rid of it.  Balanced living Is the kicker.  I have a lot crap loaded on two gynormas scales - how it stays balanced is for me to figure out.  

So if I could stay off meth for three years before getting on vicoden for over the past six.  Then I see hope of a good 6 years.  I am fallible,  I screw up, and get stressed.  Life is hard and I'm an emotional person.  But I am also an optomist!!  I believe good things happen, that I have a purpose, I have friends that trust me with their lives, and this battle like all others I have been through will be overcome.  It's who i am.

So thank you guys for carrying,  I follow the advice, I read every word, and find something in every story to relate to me.  It's an honor!

Next goal: tomorrow - day by day!

[Dav125]

Well, the days are moving along and adding up..This morning something is a little different..For the better..I sense a calming taking place even though underneath I still can feel residual effects stressing me, but can say for sure this morning is better than the past three..Thats a good sign...Hope your morning is going well too MOS. Great job on the two week mark..Thats progress in the making :)

[CATUF]

Congrats on two weeks!  It is a difficult milestone to reach.

I will echo what Gnarly said . . . find a program.

If you're anything like most drug addicts, you have the feeling that if you can just get to CLEAN (and feeling human), you'll be fine and you'll never, ever make the same mistake again.

I lost count of how many times I made it to two weeks, 30 days, once even 58 days, only to find myself back where I started, only worse, asking myself (and the Universe) "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

I know now how it happened . . . each time it started with A pill, ONE LITTLE PILL.  Each time started with one pill and the absurd notion that I would strictly limit or control my use.  This is to be expected.  As written in AA's Big Book over 70 years ago "we are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first [pill]."

The problem is that once I put one pill in me, I'm done . . . I immediately make the jump back into active addiction.  I'm a classic example of "one is too many and one thousand is never enough."

If you're like me (a garden variety drug addict),  you will silently laugh at that notion, thinking something to the effect of "there is no way . . . maybe that's the way for most of you people, but you don't know me and you have no idea how bad I want this.  I have made up my mind . . . I am free and I will stay free."

For the longest time I had the STRONG feeling (on the order of a mandate from God or something) that I had created this problem myself and I needed to fix it myself.  

It seemed like I needed to use my considerable will and strength of character to hold everything together and make things right again.  

It seemed like if I allowed anything to "break me," if I ceased fighting and being strong, that all would be lost . . . that I would have failed completely . . . that I would (somehow) cease to exist.

I know now that all of that was my disease talking.  I didn't need to fight or be strong.  In fact, that was exactly the wrong thing to do . . . like a hooked fish, all of my resistance simply seated the hook of my addiction more firmly into me.

What I need to do was give up.  I needed to surrender.  I needed to do what felt like exactly the wrong thing to do, but which is the only thing that works . . . quit fighting and ask for help.

With addiction, the one who surrenders the most wins!

Now, off to my Saturday morning meeting . . .

CATUF
2048

[Dav125]

Smart move on your part to change now..These pills and their grip on a person over time is unlike anything I encountered over the yearsYou've got alot of good years ahead of you to enjoy now once you get clear of the residual side effects of the percs and oxy's. Thats what I was battling with and still am battling with after 2 weeks..Some say it may take a couple of months before the mental aspect changes as our brains re-stabilize from this..But thats ok with me. I want no more of the false reality they created..I enjoyed life once without them and I want that back...Thats an example of one of the things they steal from a person once they've crossed a certain line which is unpredictable and only recognized once it has been crossed..It sounds like you recognized it and are making the right move...Good job..

Congratulations to you MOS on the two week mark..See, I told you it would be here before we knew it and now it is..Soon enough it will be 3 and then 4..Your so right about the torture of the pill thought process. It's like a major burden being lifted by not having every thought or motivation being based on them..That was one of the things I truly hated about them. They never gave a person a break when actively using them..I'm so glad thats history now..:)

[Myownstrength]

Hi frangela!

Congratulations on 5 days!  It's a hard path but I'm about to hit two weeks tomorrow and I cannot believe the difference!  It's a whole new world that I'm truly enjoying even getting sick in the middle of it didn't deter me journey.  Last night I went out to see a play and it was the first time in six years that I did not have to worry about bringing pills and I remember the experience completely!  Hang in there!  The journey is worth it!

[Frangela]

My pill of choice is percocet or oxycontin and I am on my 5th day without it. The withdrawal is hell but I have had help. I have been taking suboxone. It is a lifesaver. But after tomorrow I will be off of that too. It helps with the withdrawal but I don't wanna be dependent on anything anymore so now that the percent is outta my system I'm gonna stop those too.if I were u I would see if I could get my hands on about 4 or 5 suboxone. U only have to take a half everyday for about a week. And make sure u don't start the suboxone until ur already feeling withdrawal symptoms. After the week it's all mental from then on. I am optimistic that I am strong enough to beat this and I hope u are too. Addiction to pills is so hard but after it's over I hope we will both be stronger, healthier, more independent ppl. Good luck!

[Myownstrength]

Dav - I am so proud of you!  I wanted you to know that knowing that you were going through the same thing and your encouragement is the reason I've made it this far!  Congratulations on two weeks!!

[Dav125]

The diarrehea should not be a lingering issue of the wd's at this point. It may be a leftover of that flu or bug as I had it come back at me when I was sick for a couple days..Try some immodium,,, it really helps. This darn insomnia is whats giving me a fit right now. I still can't seem to get more than an hour at a time with sleep. Hopefully I'm getting close to that changing though as all the right things are lining up for a long night's sleep, but am not quite there yet...

The days are adding up for sure :) Today is 14 for me..Another milestone.

[Myownstrength]

I am amazed!  I just never really thought  that I could do this and yet here we are!  Yesterday I only thought about v in the morning as a passing thought about how much more time I have to spend on other things!  

Tonight I'm going with friends to a play and it's the first time in 6 years that I am not worried about being caught without the drug.  Now the diarrhea is another thing...  Please tell me that is going to ease up.

One month is just around the corner!!!

[Dav125]

Sounds like the same bug that got me and the kids. Glad it was a 24 hr thing for you too :).

Days are adding up,,aren't they? Almost two weeks here for me..A month ago I would have never believed I'd be at this point again so soon..Feels good :)

[Myownstrength]

I'm back!  Thank goodness the illness lasted only a day!  I did have a moment this morning where I thought one little pill would make me feel like getting to work and then I went to shower and pushed it out of my mind.  I am so glad that I did that since I got better and better as the day went on.  By the end of the day I was almost to my old self.  Made me think that had I given in I would not be getting over my illness but restarting this whole journey again.  

So... Another successful day - congratulations dav on yours!!  

Tomorrow another day!

[Dav125]

I had a 24 hr stomach virus hit last Thurs so know what you mean..Complicated things some but got by it..Still struggling with sleep but doing the best I can to stay mildly active during the day even though I feel like a zombie at times and want to nap..Itried napping once and that made things worse

..Yes, a month is in sight. It will be here soon enough...Can't wait :)

[Myownstrength]

Still in there with you - I've caught the flu (yeah) but I'm not faltering!  Will check in tomorrow.  We can make a month!

[Dav125]

One week,,great! Thats a milestone in this process..Now my eye's are set on 30 days but taking day by day in the "get there" dept..Sleep I thought would come tonight as I had a better day than expected, energy was up (a far cry from the day before) even motivated and cooked a big dinner ,ate, sat by the fire for awhile and then laid down..Any other time I would have gone out like a light with the way things lined up and felt around 10:00pm, but not the case tonight..Gave up around 2:30am..I can tell it's pointless to try at present ..Even took some melatonin (first time I've tapped into it) to hopefully help, yet this night is not cooperating. Suppose to be snowing like crazy here, radars say "SNOW", yet nothing is falling yet..Rather weird as some area's are suppose to get quite a bit from projections..I'm near Charlotte btw..

Hang tough, expect some more bumps, but overall you sound really great compared to alot of folks at this stage..Hope you got some measure of sleep there MOS.. Not likely right now on my end ,but maybe in a couple of hours that will change..The only thing I don't like about this is it throw's my attempted sleep pattern out of wack by staying up when I get spells like this..Had them between my 9th and 12th day the last time so in a way there is no surprise.One of these days it will come back..

Time for me to look at the radars again and then go back to staring at the snow that isn't falling(yet)...:)

[Myownstrength]

And more good news!  Its official...a week under my belt!  Of course today (my busiest of the week) I had the runs and i got those creepy chills but an hour later I was making things happen.  It's the end of a long day so excuse me if I dont write to much but I wanted you to know that I made it!  I have no told a couple of friends and of course my partner knew about me quitting so I have checks in balances in place.

One week - amazing!  Congratulations Dav!  Good for you for starting to set boundaries - hard part will be to keep them.  What a difference a week makes...from feeling like I was going to die to OMG there is a live out there without being tied to V.  

Now for sleep .... I hope... :)

[Dav125]

Start of the ninth day..Not to shabby..Yesterday was a little hard on me and not sure why. Just wanted the day behind me. Got some halfway decent sleep last night in increments again.. Not to worry Gnarly..I've already started building my support thru my children and family (brother and sister's) .. This had to end..Two of them are working their own programs of sort's so it's like I reached out and scooped up 7 sponsors and of course my 4 children that now realize how much work Daddy really did and how part of the key for my success will be them taking more responsibility for themselve's..I don't have youth on my side anymore..I cannot go thru that constant bending over anymore..I'm too darn tall and back has been weakened by surgery..So "I must" make some changes..Both physically and mentally..I've got a good hold on the mental already.My radar is up and functioning and I keep reflecting on Kimbo's comment of the other day.."The No Matter What Club"..A set of words that sums everything up so perfectly....Follow those words of wisdom and it makes everything that much easier to deal with..It all good :)

[LeaAnn807]

How refreshing and such positive encouragement for all the ones starting detox!  I'm so happy for you! ;-)

[gnarly_1]

HEY the 2 of you are doing amazing your coming out of the fog and relizing the clarity
we miss wile on the pills you 2 have fought a good fight now that the physical is over
prepare for the mental mindscrew to begin ...it is really critical to have some form of aftercare in place you dont want to be in a panic and not know what to do get something in place b/4 that happens N/A or A/A both have excellent programs andI never left a meeting without taking something home give it a shot I wosh you guys all the best in recovery good luck and God bless.........Gnarly    

[Myownstrength]

What a difference each day is making!  Today I had a long long day with four clients and a rehearsal and then at the end of the night volunteer work that I do once a month calling bingo for a community center and I was good.  I had clarity, my mood was good, and I felt present.  Had a moment right before I got dressed about sitting back down - but a super hot shower, vitamins, b12, a banana and a protein shake later I was ready to handle my day.  

After tomorrow I make my week with Dav and you know what... Good for me! I am paying attention to the details, my thoughts a week ago and today are like looking at myself but through a cloudy mirror.  Sweats just once today and a little anxiety but I figured I'm here just do the best that I can.  

I really believe that I can do this now...actually that I'm doing it.  But still cautious to go day by day and relishing the accomplishment.  I'm not one to dwell to much on the past since I was very optimistic person before - perky actually and I can sense that good humor coming back.  

Thank you to you guys on here to make me feel like I was not alone on here.  It was the push I needed to make it work....and will continue to read and rely on as my second week approaches!